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  1. #11
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    perfectgirl!

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Seems to me that if you guys trust one another, you could do the 'divide and conquer' tactic. Aka, if you know what your strenghts are and you recognize your weaknesses as her strengths and vice versa (and you respect each others strenghts and realize the other person's not this adept at it, and therefore are patient with them), you can rely on each other to deal with everything the world throws at you. Standing as a team against the world though is essential to survive a relationship, imo. And I do admit this is easier said than done.
    Our real problems dont revolve around trust though. It revolves around her complaining and my lack of complaining. Both actions can cause huge problems.

    Alot of my problems arise because my ENFJ likes to find blame, I like to find a solution. So when a problem arises with her things go south because of blame and I either struggle to get past the blame and to the solution or I fight the blame and things go south really fast. But either way everything still starts out, its your fault. Thats how my morning started. I got snapped at and blamed for something after getting past the complaining and blaming, I tried to direct her where to look and she found it. I understand the stress, I can see why she is stressed, but she focused the stress directly at me by blaming me for the problem when the problem was because I had tried to help her and didnt put something back in the exact same spot and she couldnt find it. A simple, "im stressed, I cant find XYZ, what did you do with it" would have garnered a much better response.

    Instead of just calling me, while stressed out and saying I cant find XYZ, what did you do with it, it came across as attacking because she focused solely on how its my fault and how much problems its causing her.

    So I do feel attacked, but not exactly in the way you mention.

    The way that I expect it to be handled is to call me stressed ask me where it is and then work to fix the problem which would be working together to get me to put things back where I grabbed them. To me this is getting to the root of a problem not the the root of a situation.
    Im out, its been fun

  3. #13
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I wholeheartedly agree with that, Poki. Is it the stress that makes her then 'abuse' Fe instead of use it properly? Perhaps that's a question for Fe-doms out there to answer.

    It's a good example though. You use Se to find stuff and spot things more easily, where as she does not. However, instead of respecting the fact that you help her out, she seems more frustrated that she cannot do it alone, resulting in redirected aggression. Right?
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  4. #14
    Self sustaining supernova Zoom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    ...I don't totally agree with you poki. We are all speaking English aren't we? It's not complicated to "see" what an ISTP is saying. I do not think this is a mis-communication issue (verbal or otherwise), I think it has more to do with what mcmartinez84 and sLiPpY seem to be saying, which if I interpreted them accurately, then I agree with them. In summary, the OP is "making a big deal" out of stuff, rather than "going with the flow" of things... AND the OP's continual badgering and confrontation is coming across as "annoying" and "whining", thus creating unnecessary "drama".
    Yes, we are, but dismissing the OP's concerns is part of what started their relationship difficulties in the first place. Looking for reassurance that one is heard and understood is not unreasonable, nor is wanting one's problems to be considered valid.

    This drama-seeking, as you put it, is not the best way to go about it - but neither is dismissing someone's expression of their feelings as "annoying" and "whining", instead of assisting them figure out a better way to do it.

    A meeting point somewhere near the halfway mark really should be the focus here, not speaking on how one is better than the other - going with the flow or openly expressing and discussing everything.

  5. #15
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    I think the OP is interesting because of this whole indirect/direct communication connundrum that I always hear people talking about.

    I sympathesize with toast because I have similar problems with my ISTP sister. I suppose it's a matter of perception; someone views it as nagging and another person views it as being proactive.

    If one person doesn't see there is a problem and another sees a problem then of course there will be miscommunications.

    I also know with my ISTP sister, she's not a very forward-thinking person and doesn't do much forecasting or preventative measures. That's the downside of a "take things as they come" type of person. If you have a person who sees prevention of a possible problem as a more effective strategy to even needing to solve the problem in the first place then yes there will be friction. Using myself as an example, I'd rather prevent a easily preventable problem (if I view it as preventable) than go into problem-solving mode. I find needing to fix something that didn't need to break as creating needless drama and headache.

    But then again, I'm a very vigilant person.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Winged View Post
    Yes, we are, but dismissing the OP's concerns is part of what started their relationship difficulties in the first place. Looking for reassurance that one is heard and understood is not unreasonable, nor is wanting one's problems to be considered valid.

    This drama-seeking, as you put it, is not the best way to go about it - but neither is dismissing someone's expression of their feelings as "annoying" and "whining", instead of assisting them figure out a better way to do it.

    A meeting point somewhere near the halfway mark really should be the focus here, not speaking on how one is better than the other - going with the flow or openly expressing and discussing everything.
    I don't think the intent was to dismiss the concern, more so to point out the reality that the conflict is due to the inherent nature of trying to make a relationship work with a type that is the "LEAST" compatible with one's own.

  7. #17
    Senior Member McRumi's Avatar
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    I am a male ISTP and became friends a with an ENFJ female. Essentially, she talked non-stop and my eyes were permanently glazed over. In my experience ENFJs have a physical need to talk as much as ISTPs have a physical need for silent space. I had little problem adjusting (easy to tune out the outer world) but she was always frustrated until she found another outlet (actually many outlets) for all that extraverted chatter and activity. Again, fine with me. She still struggles.

    ISTPs are inscrutable and impossible to control in any way shape or form. Very annoying to controlling types!

  8. #18
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    The highest compliment I ever got from an ENFJ is that "You are un-trainable."



    And McRumi nailed it.

  9. #19
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    The highest compliment I ever got from an ENFJ is that "You are un-trainable."

    HOLY CRAP are you kidding? I think it takes a shit-load before an ENFJ admits that.
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Linguist View Post
    HOLY CRAP are you kidding? I think it takes a shit-load before an ENFJ admits that.
    hahahaha

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