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  1. #41
    Pumpernickel
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    It really depends: if his actions are saying that he cares, and you feel content in the relationship outside of "saying those words" and can live without it, then I say stay in the relationship.

    However if you feel like your emotional needs aren't being met and you constantly have to stifle who you are or feel "crazy" around your ISTP, then yeah I would say this relationship is unhealthy.
    I agree with this. I think some of these Ti doms think they can avoid developing Fe forever.

  2. #42
    Senior Member ubiquitous1's Avatar
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    I had an identical experience with my istp husband. I shrugged it off, I suspected that he wouldnt reciprocate and he didnt. About 3 months later, he returned from a long trip and told me he loved me, proposed, gave me an AR 15 and a night shirt from the Mustang Ranch that said Trainee on it. Nothing says love like an assault rifle and a tee-shirt from a brothel.

    I think for him saying I love you = I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I am not sure if this is typical istp behavior. However, if he takes the time to see you and talk to you, if he is anything like my husband, this means you are very important.

  3. #43
    Senior Member LEGERdeMAIN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    yeah, it's a shame he's so gosh darn amazing or i'd cut him loose.

    i think i'm just going to sit on it and not do anything. maybe it'll go away on its own cause i can trick myself into thinking it's unrequited.
    Sitting on it will probably solve all of your problems.
    “Some people will tell you that slow is good – but I’m here to tell you that fast is better. I’ve always believed this, in spite of the trouble it’s caused me. Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube. That is why God made fast motorcycles, Bubba…”


  4. #44
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post

    at the same time, istps, how long do i give him to reciprocate? to tell the truth, i think it's unhealthy for me to stay in a relationship with someone who can't tell me how they feel about me eventually. i'm happy to be with him and i've accepted how he is, but i don't like feeling like it's one-sided. and THAT, i can only take for so long before it will wear on me.

    ?
    If it's any consolation it took me five years to say "I love you" to my ex. I said it first and I consider him to be the love of my life. So that tells you a lot. I wouldn't take it too personally that he couldn't after 3 months. In fact, now that I think about it I've never said it before a years time.

    But yeah. If you need this verbal expression it's something to evaluate now. Judging from your exchange I don't believe that it's one-sided...at all.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  5. #45
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    If his actions say he does, he does. I'm pretty sure an ISTP could love you just as much as you love them & still be unable to comfortably say it because the words are a kind of commitment in themselves. They may not seem that way to you, but I think ISTPs naturally shrink from saying anything that could be used or tested against them in the future. If he makes any commitment, even a verbal one, he wants to know that it was entirely his choice. I wouldn't think about it as meaning that he doesn't feel the same, but that he is waiting for a way to make it really matter because he said it when he was so sure that saying just came freely. He may need it to be comfortable.

    I went through this ages ago... Got the "thank you." I said it for months before he did. Eventually he started texting "I love you", then he said it during sex, now he says it multiple times a day & every time we part pretty much. Do what poki said and be carefree about it. Say it because it makes you feel good & don't expect it back. It'll come twice as fast if he doesn't feel you looking for it.

    Just please, please, please don't think about it if you can't keep yourself from thinking its unrequited or that you love him more than he loves you. You'll go through hell doing that & so will he.

  6. #46
    Senior Member McRumi's Avatar
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    Default I Love you

    For an ISTP, love means never having to say "I love you."

    We show that we love someone by doing things and making things for them. Of course, we do and make things for those we don't love (since we are really into the performance of it regardless of the recipient), so it can be confusing.

    ISTPs live in the moment, and with them, love is less like standing in a river whose currents and water levels fluctuate and more like standing under a shower that shuts on and off at will.

    As the ISTP ages, he or she hopefully learns how to keep a trickle of water flowing in those relationships he or she values most so that the loved one has no reason to feel real doubt or confusion about the water supply.

    To understand the ISTP, it's all about virtuoso activities and retreats into re=energizing solitude.

    I suspect that ISTPs enjoy their best intimate relationships in middle and elder age. At least for those who work on their NFJ deficiencies, as they must to find balance and self-actualization.

  7. #47
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    thanks for all your comments. i appreciate all the insight very much.

    i had a follow-up conversation with istp on saturday. i laid it out in a quick 5 minutes (cause his friend was waiting outside for us), and i said "there is truth at the heart of what i said even though it was delivered in an emotion-filled way." and also said, "i don't need you to say it back to me because i love where we are right now, but at the same time, i wanted you to know where i am at." i also acknowledged that i am obviously more verbal than he is and it is easier for me to express my feelings in that way than it is for him.

    he was great. he let me say my little speech and then he told me where he was coming from... long term relationship ended, planned to "relax" and live the single life for a while... but then his plans were interrupted when he met me. was surprised he liked me so much and now had to readjust his whole mindset. of course, he said, he had no control over the timing of when he met me, and that he is so glad that he did. he just wants to be careful.

    i appreciate all of this. i am happy.

  8. #48
    Senior Member McRumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    thanks for all your comments. i appreciate all the insight very much. .....

    i appreciate all of this. i am happy.
    fabulous.

  9. #49
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    thanks for all your comments. i appreciate all the insight very much.

    i had a follow-up conversation with istp on saturday. i laid it out in a quick 5 minutes (cause his friend was waiting outside for us), and i said "there is truth at the heart of what i said even though it was delivered in an emotion-filled way." and also said, "i don't need you to say it back to me because i love where we are right now, but at the same time, i wanted you to know where i am at." i also acknowledged that i am obviously more verbal than he is and it is easier for me to express my feelings in that way than it is for him.

    he was great. he let me say my little speech and then he told me where he was coming from... long term relationship ended, planned to "relax" and live the single life for a while... but then his plans were interrupted when he met me. was surprised he liked me so much and now had to readjust his whole mindset. of course, he said, he had no control over the timing of when he met me, and that he is so glad that he did. he just wants to be careful.

    i appreciate all of this. i am happy.


  10. #50
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    I mean "crazy" in a negative sense. Not "crazy in love" as you seem to be implying, but crazy like he's making her feel as though he's saner or more sensible than she is, causing her to feel bad about herself in an unecessary way.
    Quote Originally Posted by Heinel View Post
    I don't think craziness can inherently be positive or negative. All it shows is a conflict. The way you approach this conflict is what gives it a "good" tag or a "bad" tag.
    I completely agree with both of you on this... at different times... and because of it I've had one of the most difficult & rewarding relationships of my life. The funny thing is, I think the "approach" to the "crazy" can be good whether or not you stay or leave. So it is still very challenging to decide what to do when you start to feel that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Heinel View Post
    It's only bad when you continue to dwell on it and let it consume you. And that does not necessarily have to be the case.
    Also, this is far more challenging for some than for others... which is usually the source of that "I'm crazy" feeling marmalade is describing. If you're unable to get over negative feelings about yourself that come up because of conflict in the relationship, but your partner - who appears just as conflicted, can be fine in a moment or two... it makes you wonder about yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    i appreciate all of this. i am happy.
    yay!

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