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  1. #11
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    me: laughs
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

    Theory is always superseded by Fact...
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    “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.”
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  2. #12
    Pumpernickel
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    Quote Originally Posted by teslashock View Post

    it's just a fundamental internal difference, and I don't think it has anything to do with how he really feels about you. Just because you can understand this word "love" and directly correlate it to a feeling doesn't mean that you should expect him to have this same ability. I don't really think it's accurate to assume that the fact that he can't say "I love you" points to an "unhealthy" relationship
    But on the other hand, if your primary functions are Ne and Fi, you couldn't just stop yourself from being consistently hurt by the lack of verbal validation. Doesn't Ne LOOK for patterns and connections between behaviours and wouldn't it uncontrollably pick up on every little thing and interpret it in some unpleasant way before rationalizing it? (Not an Ne user, that may be more Ni). I don't think intuitives can really help but dig deeper into every little thing.

    Don't you think it would make an unhealthy relationship if one partner consistently hurt the other one unintentionally? Or if one partner had to force validation all the time and the other had to rationalize their hurt all the time?

  3. #13
    Geolectric teslashock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justxher View Post
    Don't you think it would make an unhealthy relationship if one partner consistently hurt the other one unintentionally? Or if one partner had to force validation all the time and the other had to rationalize their hurt all the time?
    Yes of course I think this makes for an unhealthy relationship. I was trying to convince her that she shouldn't interpret it in a such a personal way and that she shouldn't need explicit validation all of the time, as her ISTP is operating on a completely different plane. If she can't escape the boundaries of her own scope, then the relationship is doomed to fail. If she can, though, she'll gain a new perspective on something, and that might be great.

  4. #14
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    yeah, that's what's so strange to me. all his actions say that he does... so i don't get what the big deal in him just saying it (since yes, i am the verbal one in the relationship). puzzling. hahaha.
    As hard as it may suck, if you see that his actions are showing love towards you then maybe at this point that should be enough. Its not to say that he doesn't love you. In fact, you both could have the exact same feelings but you both show it separate ways. I wouldn't break the deal just because he can't verbally say it yet. If anything, I think its precious that he's to physically show you he cares about you through his actions.
    Also remember that love isn't just a feeling, feelings are fleeting, but its more of a commitment. So this could very well be a source of his confusion as well. I can't completely say because I am not a T of coarse, but just from where I'm at thats what first came to mind.

    I hope this helps a bit.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
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  5. #15
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by teslashock View Post
    your ISTP probably does not have this desire for and understanding of direct emotional communication. He probably uses his Ti to completely overanalyze what the word "love" really means, and since he can't figure out a logical, systematized definition of "love", he is reluctant to use that word.

    Don't take personal offense to the fact that he can't express his feelings as readily as you. It really probably has nothing to do with you at all; it's just a fundamental internal difference, and I don't think it has anything to do with how he really feels about you. Just because you can understand this word "love" and directly correlate it to a feeling doesn't mean that you should expect him to have this same ability. I don't really think it's accurate to assume that the fact that he can't say "I love you" points to an "unhealthy" relationship or situation for you, so long as you just don't take it personally. Realize that he is operating on a completely different value system than you, and while according to your definition of love, he may love you, he probably can't figure out a logical definition of love, so he just doesn't often use it as a part of his vocabulary.

    Of course this is all speculation, as I don't know you or him or anything about your relationship really. But just don't get too upset about this whole "love" thing; it's ultimately just an arbitrary word with no concrete definition. His actions and the way he treats you and the way you guys connect with each other are all ultimately much more important.
    i love what you wrote here. very insightful. thank you.

    i guess i am wondering that since he has been in love once before... why he wouldn't just reference those previous feelings and know if he did or not? i feel like he is really bent up on the time frame thing and knowing when it is appropriate to say certain things. i don't really understand that since the connection is so intense.

  6. #16
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    Look at his actions, not his lack of words.

    You put him on the spot. Immense pressure to reciprocate your feeling caused him to freeze up, not his lack of feeling.

    Then you made things even more difficult for him bursting into tears.

    At that point, what did he do? Did he leave? Did he act cold towards you, as if you were the one who caused the situation?

    No. Despite his discomfort, he stayed by your side, and tried his best to comfort you, and even resorted to blaming himself.

    If that's not proof he sincerely cares about you, I don't know what is.

    His actions in the future will be the best clue as to how he really feels about you, now that you've revealed how you feel. Did you drive him away, or pull him in closer?

    Intuition will drive you crazy endlessly dissecting words and situations. Instead, let feeling be your guide as to how his actions make you feel inside.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    i love what you wrote here. very insightful. thank you.

    i guess i am wondering that since he has been in love once before... why he wouldn't just reference those previous feelings and know if he did or not? i feel like he is really bent up on the time frame thing and knowing when it is appropriate to say certain things. i don't really understand that since the connection is so intense.
    May be he is afraid that the connection is to intense and doesnt want to act hastily on feelings. Its not realitic to expect that intensity to continue forever. In love is different then love.
    Im out, its been fun

  8. #18
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    i guess i am wondering that since he has been in love once before... why he wouldn't just reference those previous feelings and know if he did or not?

    Every relationship and person is different. Love is the same way. It never feels the same way twice.

    i feel like he is really bent up on the time frame thing and knowing when it is appropriate to say certain things. i don't really understand that since the connection is so intense.
    Simply put: It has to feel right to say those kinds of things. Three months isn't a lot of time to get to know someone or for someone to get to know you. That's a big thing.

    I think ISTP's take those sentimental words very seriously. Keep this in mind. We really think about the definition of what that means to us and we aren't going to say it unless we know we can fulfill our part in our own definition of what that means.

    Just let it ride and enjoy the ride. You like him. He likes you. Why wonder about more?
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  9. #19
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    why he wouldn't just reference those previous feelings and know if he did or not?
    You assume he really understood the feelings the first time.

    Plus, we love different things about different people, which can change the specific nature of our love towards them. His previous experience may not prove all that useful with you.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Heinel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenity View Post
    Look at his actions, not his lack of words.

    You put him on the spot. Immense pressure to reciprocate your feeling caused him to freeze up, not his lack of feeling.

    Then you made things even more difficult for him bursting into tears.

    At that point, what did he do? Did he leave? Did he act cold towards you, as if you were the one who caused the situation?

    No. Despite his discomfort, he stayed by your side, and tried his best to comfort you, and even resorted to blaming himself.

    If that's not proof he sincerely cares about you, I don't know what is.

    His actions in the future will be the best clue as to how he really feels about you, now that you've revealed how you feel. Did you drive him away, or pull him in closer?

    Intuition will drive you crazy endlessly dissecting words and situations. Instead, let feeling be your guide as to how his actions make you feel inside.
    I wholly agree with this.

    I mean, didn't people always say those perfect couples can understand each other without exchanging words? Why get hung up on four letters when there are so many other ways to express love.
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