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  1. #61
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    ROFL!!!

    *ahem*

    *steals duckie*
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  2. #62
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Domino View Post
    ROFL!!!

    *ahem*

    *steals duckie*
    Grants pardon on formal letterhead...
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  3. #63
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    About five years ago, my mom (E?S?FP) left her husband of 15-ish years because of substance abuse issues. Less than a month after that, she met a guy at a homeless shelter who is twenty years her junior and got into a relationship with him.
    Understood…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I was skeptical of his intentions, but willing to reserve judgment. He turned out to have a history of criminal fraud and he seemed to be manipulating my mom. I was not comfortable being around him or having him around my family, but my mom could not accept that and kept trying to force me to accept him into my life. Eventually, I had to break ties with her because I couldn't get her to stop. Also, she broke up with him several times and came to me for help to get away from him, then would go back to him within days. It was hard to help move her and stuff with four kids and was physically and emotionally draining.
    Wow. Altruism has its place in life, but so does self preservation. You can’t care for others if you yourself are consumed…right?

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    About six months after they met, they got married and within days her new husband was arrested for check fraud.
    OWCH.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Mom went back to her substance abusing ex, the father of my youngest brother who was then around 13.

    They were together for about six months when mom decided to leave again and resumed her relationship with fraud guy while he was in prison. My youngest brother flipped out and wanted nothing to do with her. He stayed with his dad for awhile, but when Dad fell off the wagon, he ended up staying with our middle brother and his wife (above reproach SJ pastoring family). They persuaded both parents to sign over guardianship, though neither parent agreed to any kind of monetary support.
    Your younger brother is the only one I feel empathy for. The others are adults, and have chosen their paths, and are accountable for their actions…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    There was something like an uneasy, distant peace until this summer when my aunt died and I didn't have the heart to not speak with my mother.
    I know how that works. I didn’t talk with my brother for 4 years until an Aunt died. Then we were in common space again…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    She didn't push fraud guy on me and seemed to understand where I was coming from. I don't know whether the renewed relationship had anything to do with it or not, but mom ended up divorcing fraud guy this last fall. She was having a hard time making it, so she moved in with us.
    Good on her for not pushing him on you at that time. I have a feeling your efforts in assisting her with moving in with you will be categorized under the gist of “the road to hell is paved with best intentions…” ?

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I really like my mom. She does some weird stuff sometimes, but she is also generally kind and thoughtful. As long as I don't have to deal with boyfriends that weird me out, we're really okay. I was, however, really hurt by some of the stuff that fraud guy said to me and things my mom said to me while she was with him. I felt pretty betrayed and disrespected. I think I've moved on, more or less, and I'm happy with how things are, though I know they could change at any time.
    Good for you in assessing the ground you have traversed over, accepting it for what it is, and mustering the courage to move forward…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    The problem is, my youngest brother - now almost 18, has really not gotten over any of it. Mom keeps pushing and doing stuff like showing up at his church doing weird stuff (she's kind of a cuckoo charismatic religious nut) that embarrasses him in front of his friends. The more she pushes, the more she pushes him away.
    She needs to back off. Unfortunately that is not likely to happen.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    She doesn't understand what his problem is. She thinks fraud guy wasn't really any worse than my brother's dad and that people get remarried all the time, so he should get over it.
    That’s called “DENIAL.” It’s a river in Egypt. Ironically enough it can be the first step towards recovery…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Now I'm not saying pill guy is better than fraud guy, but pill guy is dad and fraud guy is not. And it's not a normal remarriage to hook up with an ex-con young enough to be your son that you met at a homeless shelter and moved in with in a matter of months. All of us kids kind of freaked out and our personalities are pretty different from each other.
    Understood.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    So all that to ask: Is there a way to help her understand that my brother's feelings about what she did are valid and that she needs to give him time?
    Wow. I’ve seen the pain of the past denied by those who inflicted it many a time. That is a hard cycle to break. Realistically she will need to come to that realization on her own. Your brother being assertive, direct, and clear in expressing his feelings to her is one part of the equation. The other part is her actually listening, and responding in a way that your brother buys as legitimate. Communication is a two way street. Even if both sides give their best effort, if they don’t meet on a commonly understood wavelength, it can all be for not…

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Also, what are some things she could to do show my brother that she cares without making him feel pressured and invalidated?
    Easy. Tell him she knows what she did, ask him how he feels, ask him what he needs with regard to his relationship with her, and then follow through with delivering what was requested. That would be a genuine effort to her patching things up, IMO.

    Also, as a side bar, I would consider finding a positive male role model fgor your brother, other than his Dad or even Step Dad (on his best day), be it a family friend, a sports coach, a member of his church, a neighbor, whomever. A sounding board is a good thing for a young man to have, and that person need not be a family member.

    One of the most important things for your brother’s life to be as happy as possible is not to make the mistakes of his parents. This is the case for all humans. He was young when a lot of this was unfolding around him. It would be really helpful if you or another family member could relay the series of events and secondary ramifications of all this to him as he contemplates in discourse with you over time. Bringing it up strategically is OK too, but do it passively, don’t expect a response, just deliver a relevant fact here our there and move on. It will all click eventually.

    Finally, if your brother is really upset about some or all of this, it wouldn’t hurt for him to talk to a counselor of some kind. At the tender age of 35 I went to one and got a lot of stuff straightened out in my head. Some of which I didn’t even know was there…like feelings

    I hope some of what I have written is helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck.



    -Halla
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  4. #64
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Default The Analyst's Emergeny Toolkit...

    Hello everyone,

    By trade, part of what I do is business analysis/system analysis. I created a direct, summarized version of my generic analytical methodology that can be used to map out a solution to any problem, I dare say business or personal.

    Having a method by which to solve things provides you with comfort when you have to solve something you don't fully understand. SImply go through the steps, and as you do, the picture of what you must do to successfully complete your work will begin to take form.

    I'll be tweaking the formatting later today, but this is the core content.

    If there are any questions let me know and I'll be happy to answer them.



    -Halla
    ---------------------------------------
    Analyst's Emergency Toolkit:

    I. Summary:
    There will come a time every career where a problem must be solved and no obvious answer to it is in plain sight. Under such circumstances it is necessary to be able to perform analysis on the fly in order to formulate a solution to the problem at hand. This document provides a simple yet effective problem solving methodology that can be applied to any situation imaginable.

    II. Identify your Purpose, Schedule, and Budget:
    A) Purpose:
    State the problem in plain language. Solving the problem is the purpose of your team. Examples of purpose statements include:

    “Create an interface for citizens to quickly obtain their tax information from the city's web site.”

    “Design a process that allows volunteers to be assigned to work with organizations needing additional personnel.”

    B) Schedule:
    Determine when the problem must be solved. Is the time frame realistic? If not, what is the cause for urgency? Is it possible to solve the problem in phases and ask the powers that be for some flexibility in solving the problem?

    C) Budget:
    How much money is available to dedicate to solving the problem? Is it enough? If not who will ask for more and what will the justification for additional funding be based on? Before asking for more funds please complete the estimating exercise in step VII-A, 1-3.

    III. Limit the Scope:
    Scope creep is when the project team risks drifting away from its original purpose and scope into unplanned additions (CITE: Scope creep - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). There is more than one solution to any problem. The only solution that matters is that which can satisfy the problem at hand in the time allotted with the funds available. Depending on the complexity of the problem, the amount of time, and money available it is necessary to choose a solution that is attainable with available resources. Three common levels of project solutions conceived by analysts are described below:

    A) Minimum Acceptable Solution:
    The problem is solved, all requirements are satisfied, but the solution might not be the most user friendly method of completing the work. Minimum acceptable solutions are usually selected when time, money, and manpower are in short supply but the problem cannot wait to be solved.

    B) Middle of The Road:
    Middle of the road solutions solve the problem and most likely are reasonably integrated into an existing workflow. These solutions can take anywhere from 3-6 months to formulate and implement. This level of work is often a good balance between functionality, cost, and time needed to implement.

    C) Gold Plated:
    Gold plated solutions are created when time and money are bountiful. These solutions are typically provided for high profile projects. All problem elements are addressed in an environment that is seamlessly integrated into the organization's information infrastructure. Automated data feeds, automatic population of information from data sources, and contextually designed screens provide users with pop-up help files on the fly. Gold plated solutions are usually outfitted with “sticky ends” or the ability to easily integrate with other systems if/when expansion is necessary in the future.

    IV. Analysis Techniques:
    The best way to quickly determine what a problem is really composed of is to utilize a combination of top-down and bottom-up analysis and design techniques. Once these two thinking exercises have occurred, it is necessary to rely on hard work and creativity to solve the remainder of the problem.

    A) Top Down Analysis (~60% of a Problem Can Be Quickly Solved):
    “Top down analysis is a problem solving mechanism whereby a given problem is successively broken down into smaller and smaller sub-problems or operations until a set of easily solvable (by computer) sub-problems is arrived at. The disadvantages of using a top down approach for detailed design, or the identification of individual implementation statements, may be listed as follows:

    1. The designer ends up with very large tree structures.
    2. There is no clear identification of the flow of control.
    3. It is difficult to represent constructs such as selection, repetition and routine invocation.”

    (CITE: 2CS21 - TOP DOWN ANALYSIS)

    B) Bottom Up (~20% of a Problem Can Be Quickly Solved):
    “In a bottom-up approach the individual base elements of the system are first specified in great detail. These elements are then linked together to form larger subsystems, which then in turn are linked, sometimes in many levels, until a complete top-level system is formed.”

    (CITE: Top-down and bottom-up design - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

    C) Work + Creativity = Solving the Unknown (~20% of the Problem Remains):
    Now that most of the problem has been conceptualized, it is time to begin brainstorming as to how to fill in the missing elements. Utilize internal resources, stakeholders at all levels, and consultants as budget allows. If the right diversity of thought is present, the problem will be solved. Be sure to have a champion of the proposed solution willing to sell it to senior management.

    V. Gap Analysis (The Whiteboard is Your Friend, Draw a Picture!):
    Gap analysis is a technique for the steps to be taken in moving from a current state to a desired future state. It begins with listing out the current factors/attributes to dtermine “what is,” then identifies factors needed to achieve future objectives or “what should be,” and finally highlights the gaps that need to be filled in order to create the desired change.

    (CITE: gap analysis definition)

    A) Where we are now (Point A).
    B) Where we need to be (Point B).
    C) What it will take to get us there (The plan to get from A to B).

    VI. Process and Task Identification – Basic Project Schedule:
    It is critical to identify major processes, tasks, and the interdependencies of tasks if a gap analysis is performed on a whiteboard. The goal of completing the gap analysis should be to have a rough draft project schedule. “A project schedule consists of a list of the project's terminal elements (processes) with intended start/finish dates. Terminal elements are those that cannot be further subdivided. The terminal elements should be estimated in terms of their resource requirements, budget, and duration, and also linked by dependencies.

    (CITE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schedul..._management).”

    A) Major processes (terminal elements) – The big parts of the problem are identified.
    B) Tasks – What must be done to make processes happen?
    C) Task interdependencies – What tasks must be completed before others?

    VII. Determining Cost and Time of Major Tasks:
    A) Estimating cost, effort, and time is easy if kept simple:

    1. Break down big problems into manageable chunks

    2. Estimate each smaller unit's time and money to complete

    3. Then add all units of time and effort together, add some room for slack, and arrive at a rough budget and schedule.

    B) Assign work by department, subject matter expert, or via outsourcing.

    VIII. Closing Shop:

    A) Document Open Issues:
    Not everything will be solved, it is necessary to keep tabs on unresolved issues. Writing them in a spreadsheet log is useful.

    B) Document Risks:
    When brainstorming be sure to identify risks, such as what happens if a given part of the plan fails. Formulate mitigation strategies for risks when possible.

    C) Publish Formal Meeting Minutes:
    Decide who will edit final meeting notes and who will review them. Be sure to include legible copies of all diagrams made on the whiteboard.

    D) Determine Next Steps:
    When will the next meeting occur? Who will speak with the decision makers? What is the due date for the meeting minutes?

    E) Go to Lunch:
    Team building is important if you wish to keep staff happy when working under stress on a tight schedule. Food is a great reward for the participants of a serious problem solving session.

    --------------------------------------
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  5. #65
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Are you in a contest with yourself concerning "larger" more "colorful" font? It's cracking me up!

    Q: How do I stop feeling bored when I have too much to do but none of it interests me?

  6. #66
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    Are you in a contest with yourself concerning "larger" more "colorful" font?
    Yes! And I am WINNING!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    It's cracking me up!
    Good! That is part of the intent. The other part is linked to a diabolical scheme that once completed will position me to be the manager of a lemonade stand in Idaho.

    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    Q: How do I stop feeling bored when I have too much to do but none of it interests me?
    Ooooooohhhhh...boy oh boy. I have been dealing with this for a few days now.

    My "P" is in full effect. I can't get shit done.

    You think huge colorful fonts are bad? Recently I've been including animated GIFs as part of my responses here. Why? BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!!





    Honestly, I need Ritalin sometimes when I get like this. Then I'm at least able to do SOME productive stuff...until I logon here again.

    If I can come up with a better answer later I will reply.

    For now, I say convince your husband to go out and make lots of money and then employ you as the family's retail therapist, allowing you to test if the money he is making can be spent at stores in your locale.
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  7. #67
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Have you studied any martial arts? What is your opinion on the various styles?

  8. #68
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Have you studied any martial arts? What is your opinion on the various styles?
    My formal study of martial arts is limited. For information on this topic you might wish to speak to our very own DiscoBiscuit. He has actually advised me as of late, when I asked him about choice of Krav Maga as a good self defense discipline to learn. If I am not mistaken Disco is a Level II MMA (Mixed Martial Art) competitor.

    When I was 8 I attended an Isshinryu (similar to Shotkan) karate dojo with my brother. He was the full contact champion in Hessian Germany at the time in his weight class (189 pounds). Most of my study after that involved being his punching bag at home, and then getting him back for it later. He's ten years older than me, so I had to play dirty.

    After he was done with karate, he studied Wing Chun Kung Fu. He became a Bruce Lee fanatic for years. I never got into Kung Fu.

    I wrestled for 2 years when I was younger as well. This has been the most utilitarian training to me, as any time someone has decided to engage with me physically, it has been of great benefit to be reflexive in locking up with them, extending my legs back so as to create a slight buffer of distance in order to assess their strength/leverage and determine whether to go in for a take down or neutralize them by other means.

    It never hurts to know how to defend yourself. Me being a big guy is actually not a deterrent, as alot of drunk mean people want to prove themselves to the masses by getting into it with the big guy at the bar.
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  9. #69
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I don't have much input to offer to the Analysis Strategy.

    This is pretty much the strategy I use here in my job on a programming team as a dev. I'm familiar with all of it.

    We use Microsoft Project (well, my boss does) to create the itemized tasklist and calculate projected schedule and staff hours spent.

    We avoid scope creep by assembling detailed design docs up front. If you fail to nail something in place, the customer will try to milk it for all its worth; you can get taken to the cleaners if you leave the objectives for project completion open.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #70
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post
    My "P" is in full effect. I can't get shit done.
    So what you are saying is that I can't ask another P to answer that question. That only leaves J's and their answers put me to sleep!

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