Ok Halla, I need some ESTP wisdom for a situation, please…
A couple of months ago, I managed to piss off an ESTP (or maybe ESFP but haven’t figured it out. I think he is ESxP with a close T/F split but a bit stronger T.) Let’s be honest – this is the guy who I have posted a couple of threads about before, along the lines of “mixed messages/does he or doesn’t he like me” etc. Partly I was trying to figure out whether or not I should tell him about my feelings before he went away for six months, or possibly permanently, which he has now done.
Before taking this longer trip, he was away for about six weeks visiting family. During that time, a situation arose. Basically, he had confided in me (or gossiped to me) previously about some information that I wasn’t really entitled to but that someone else (who didn’t have the information at that point) was. I made the mistake of passing on that information to another mutual friend – who then passed it to the people who were entitled to it. Messy, messy, messy. Basically, this placed Mr ESxP in a very awkward position because he became known to have been in possession of this information and to have kept it from the people involved. (sorry for being so vague about this, but trying to explain it properly would be too difficult.)
I decided it was best to tell ESxP about this before he returned because he was definitely going to be confronted with the situation in some way, shape or form. I wanted to be honest with him. He was angry with me and accused me of betraying a confidence, more or less. Which was true, but he had kind of done a similar thing in passing on the info to me. It was a bit of a moral dilemma all around. I was VERY careful to not take the high moral ground, or to accuse him, or whatever – I apologised for the way things had unfolded, but I also said I thought that perhaps it was for the best. He didn’t acknowledge my apology or the “for the best” aspect at all – he just said things which I found self-centered, accusatory and cruel. I got very upset, it didn’t really come out in my messages to him but after a few exchanges I stopped writing to him. I was extremely stressed and upset about the whole thing.
He was back for only about ten days before setting off on his current trip. He didn’t contact me at all for almost a week and then texted and asked if I was coming to his leaving drinks. I didn’t respond and wasn’t sure what to do, but eventually I went. I thought I would just show up and be polite, but he actually brought the matter up with me. He said “everything is ok, [ie. he had been confronted with the situation but it hadn’t gone too badly] but I’m still a bit annoyed.” That kind of raised my hackles particularly because I had already apologized more than once, perhaps more than I even should, in a way...did he want me to grovel? I said “do you realise I was very upset about your reaction and the whole situation?” and he said “well, if that’s the case, I apologise, but I don’t really know what you had to be upset about.” Then he said again “I’m still a bit annoyed” and I said “Likewise…” Then he said “I guess like you said, I shouldn’t have told you about it in the first place…let’s just forget about it.”
That was the last I saw of him. We did exchange a couple of goodbye texts but that was it. I am still upset because I didn’t get a chance to discuss the matter properly with him and I felt like he blamed the whole thing on me when he certainly had a measure of blame too, failed to see the bigger picture, and didn’t take my feelings about the matter and the way he’d dragged me into it into account at all. I also found it hard to believe that he didn’t realise I was upset or couldn’t see what I had to be upset about. I think it should have been pretty obvious.
I haven’t heard from him since he went away. I have heard from mutual friends that he is having a wonderful time travelling, etc and as much as this makes me the smaller person, all that does is irritate me and upset me. It seems typical that he would have left me feeling upset and he is off having a wonderful time. I know that’s my bad and I’m working on it, but I still feel resentful and upset.
I guess I’d like your input as to: a) whether or not you think he’s still mad at me or whether he really did “forget about it” and still considers me a friend; b) whether he is likely to realise that I am still upset; and c) any comments on what you think my next move should be. Your own opinion is fine, I am collecting opinions on this situation from a few people to get a bigger picture…that’s part of my way of working through this.
Part of me thinks I should write to him and explain the situation and my feelings about it and see how he responds. But another part thinks I should just let this go and do my best to forget about it. The thing is, I have always been vulnerable to this guy because of my feelings for him. I think we have established conclusively that we’d make a lousy couple and that he’s probably not interested anyway. So in a way, that’s no longer an issue, but my residual feelings make it an issue.
In a way, my dilemma is this: If I never try to discuss this with him, it may remain festering within me as unfinished business for quite a while, despite my efforts to just let it go. But if I do try to discuss it with him, I am afraid I’ll get another hurtful reaction which will wound me more. And also, trying to discuss it with him suggests that I want to keep the friendship alive – which I’m not even sure is a good idea at this point.
What do you think? Thanks in advance for your input!