I'm not sure how long you two have been together but with my husband and I, he proposed after 5 months of meeting eachother (typical ENFJ romantic he is) and then we were married 8 months later. We only saw eachother on weekends since he lived out of state. So when I say that he didn't see my assertive side it wasn't something I was hiding, it was my shadow (ENTJ) side that one doesn't normally reveal to the world. I was not comfortable in our relationship until 6 months into our marriage to show that side. Heck, to even express my wants/desires. That takes TIME!. It's like that with all relationships for me! It takes a long time for me to trust someone, study them, size them up, to see if they can handle the not so passive side of me as well as my goofy side. Anyway, not trying to say she is being sneaky and conniving, but if you haven't known her long enough, she just may be "paralyzed". Thats how I am with all new relationships.
I understand your frustration though. Is there any hurry? Why not just let things flow a few more months? I am not sure what goals you are looking for either. (sorry haven't read all the posts). It's not so much career, family but what? You have a home already .. are you concerned with religious upbringing of kids? Sometimes if you aren't too sure about your mate, look at her family. What are they like? Is her mom or dad like her (ISFP). What are they like? How do they live? I've noticed in my family and my husbands family that most of the kids follow in the footsteps of one of their parents. If her mother is a fat lazy slob, chances are she will become like her role model.
Not sure what else to say? Wish I could help more. ONe thing I noticed you said was she can come right into your home ... I was thinking .. does she get to decorate? ISFPs are usually into decorating and putting their own touch on the place. Is that a problem for her ... moving into YOUR space?
Last thing, my husband and I had a friend (actually he was our little brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister program). Now he is grown up with family of his own but him and I are like brother and sister; we tease each other merselessly and fight when in disagreement. Point is, he is an ISTJ (Marine) and he is what I call OCD, anal retentive. When he would come and stay at my home for a few weeks he treated me like a soldier in bootcamp. Mocking everything I did from child raising, to house cleaning, to my schedule or recreational habits. He would rearrange my closets, put food cans in alphabetical order, clean my house from head to toe. Now .. I'm not a slob but this is how HE needed the house to be in order for him to stay there.
Are you like this? Is this typical ISTJ behavior? Because him cleaning and organizing was one thing; I welcomed it. But when he became critical of me and my lifestyle and knocking who I was, HE got to experience the ENTJ side of me. So that is my only concern. Maybe some ISFPs don't mind being controlled, but not me. If I didn't express my anger, I'd never let him back in my house.
Just food for thought. I have no idea if I'm typical ISFP and thats typical ISTJ or what. All I know is his wife is probably ISFJ, she is more orderly, submissive and accepting of him than I could be.