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Thread: ISFP and Goals

  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    Thank you for understanding my perspective. I've asked her does she think the fact we are both introverts make the communication thing a little harder. She doesn't think so, but then again, she's doesn't study and is not as observant as I am. I think it does, since if I ask a question, it would be nice to get a more lengthy response. BUT, the fact that we are both 'I's is not a reason to break up.

    I don't want to direct her or control her. I just want to get a feeling that we are both on the same page. I do see I could be a little more creative in how I go about it.

    Concerning your last comment: I think for her a ring is that confirmation of our relationship status. She hasn't expressed it to me verbally, but my expectation is that she will become a different person. And because she doesn't have a ring yet, in my mind I feel she's playing it safe- not in the sense that she's trying to go along under the radar, but not rocking the boat too much. She says she's not, but I get that sense. I wish it wasn't that way, because I want to see that assertive side NOW. It's not stopping me from pursuing her, because I love her and am willing to deal with it should it happen, but know if she does a 180 on me after the ring, I'm going to call her on it.
    No .. just because you are both I's is not a reason to breakup, just possibly a reason for the communication difficulty. Funny, most of my best friends over the years have been introverts. No problems communicating there but then again were both female and probably more talkative with eachother than a M/F rel. between two introverts. However, whenever I did have a conflict with an introverted friend or family member we would both stay away from eachother for a good long time before we'd talk about the problem.

    I'm not sure how long you two have been together but with my husband and I, he proposed after 5 months of meeting eachother (typical ENFJ romantic he is) and then we were married 8 months later. We only saw eachother on weekends since he lived out of state. So when I say that he didn't see my assertive side it wasn't something I was hiding, it was my shadow (ENTJ) side that one doesn't normally reveal to the world. I was not comfortable in our relationship until 6 months into our marriage to show that side. Heck, to even express my wants/desires. That takes TIME!. It's like that with all relationships for me! It takes a long time for me to trust someone, study them, size them up, to see if they can handle the not so passive side of me as well as my goofy side. Anyway, not trying to say she is being sneaky and conniving, but if you haven't known her long enough, she just may be "paralyzed". Thats how I am with all new relationships.

    I understand your frustration though. Is there any hurry? Why not just let things flow a few more months? I am not sure what goals you are looking for either. (sorry haven't read all the posts). It's not so much career, family but what? You have a home already .. are you concerned with religious upbringing of kids? Sometimes if you aren't too sure about your mate, look at her family. What are they like? Is her mom or dad like her (ISFP). What are they like? How do they live? I've noticed in my family and my husbands family that most of the kids follow in the footsteps of one of their parents. If her mother is a fat lazy slob, chances are she will become like her role model.

    Not sure what else to say? Wish I could help more. ONe thing I noticed you said was she can come right into your home ... I was thinking .. does she get to decorate? ISFPs are usually into decorating and putting their own touch on the place. Is that a problem for her ... moving into YOUR space?

    Last thing, my husband and I had a friend (actually he was our little brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister program). Now he is grown up with family of his own but him and I are like brother and sister; we tease each other merselessly and fight when in disagreement. Point is, he is an ISTJ (Marine) and he is what I call OCD, anal retentive. When he would come and stay at my home for a few weeks he treated me like a soldier in bootcamp. Mocking everything I did from child raising, to house cleaning, to my schedule or recreational habits. He would rearrange my closets, put food cans in alphabetical order, clean my house from head to toe. Now .. I'm not a slob but this is how HE needed the house to be in order for him to stay there.

    Are you like this? Is this typical ISTJ behavior? Because him cleaning and organizing was one thing; I welcomed it. But when he became critical of me and my lifestyle and knocking who I was, HE got to experience the ENTJ side of me. So that is my only concern. Maybe some ISFPs don't mind being controlled, but not me. If I didn't express my anger, I'd never let him back in my house.

    Just food for thought. I have no idea if I'm typical ISFP and thats typical ISTJ or what. All I know is his wife is probably ISFJ, she is more orderly, submissive and accepting of him than I could be.

    Good luck!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie1962 View Post
    No .. just because you are both I's is not a reason to breakup, just possibly a reason for the communication difficulty. Funny, most of my best friends over the years have been introverts. No problems communicating there but then again were both female and probably more talkative with eachother than a M/F rel. between two introverts. However, whenever I did have a conflict with an introverted friend or family member we would both stay away from eachother for a good long time before we'd talk about the problem.

    I'm not sure how long you two have been together but with my husband and I, he proposed after 5 months of meeting eachother (typical ENFJ romantic he is) and then we were married 8 months later. We only saw eachother on weekends since he lived out of state. So when I say that he didn't see my assertive side it wasn't something I was hiding, it was my shadow (ENTJ) side that one doesn't normally reveal to the world. I was not comfortable in our relationship until 6 months into our marriage to show that side. Heck, to even express my wants/desires. That takes TIME!. It's like that with all relationships for me! It takes a long time for me to trust someone, study them, size them up, to see if they can handle the not so passive side of me as well as my goofy side. Anyway, not trying to say she is being sneaky and conniving, but if you haven't known her long enough, she just may be "paralyzed". Thats how I am with all new relationships.

    I understand your frustration though. Is there any hurry? Why not just let things flow a few more months? I am not sure what goals you are looking for either. (sorry haven't read all the posts). It's not so much career, family but what? You have a home already .. are you concerned with religious upbringing of kids? Sometimes if you aren't too sure about your mate, look at her family. What are they like? Is her mom or dad like her (ISFP). What are they like? How do they live? I've noticed in my family and my husbands family that most of the kids follow in the footsteps of one of their parents. If her mother is a fat lazy slob, chances are she will become like her role model.

    Not sure what else to say? Wish I could help more. ONe thing I noticed you said was she can come right into your home ... I was thinking .. does she get to decorate? ISFPs are usually into decorating and putting their own touch on the place. Is that a problem for her ... moving into YOUR space?

    Last thing, my husband and I had a friend (actually he was our little brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister program). Now he is grown up with family of his own but him and I are like brother and sister; we tease each other merselessly and fight when in disagreement. Point is, he is an ISTJ (Marine) and he is what I call OCD, anal retentive. When he would come and stay at my home for a few weeks he treated me like a soldier in bootcamp. Mocking everything I did from child raising, to house cleaning, to my schedule or recreational habits. He would rearrange my closets, put food cans in alphabetical order, clean my house from head to toe. Now .. I'm not a slob but this is how HE needed the house to be in order for him to stay there.

    Are you like this? Is this typical ISTJ behavior? Because him cleaning and organizing was one thing; I welcomed it. But when he became critical of me and my lifestyle and knocking who I was, HE got to experience the ENTJ side of me. So that is my only concern. Maybe some ISFPs don't mind being controlled, but not me. If I didn't express my anger, I'd never let him back in my house.

    Just food for thought. I have no idea if I'm typical ISFP and thats typical ISTJ or what. All I know is his wife is probably ISFJ, she is more orderly, submissive and accepting of him than I could be.

    Good luck!

    There's definitely a different dynamic between M/F introverts. I know for a fact I naturally approach it that way. She's getting the 'home' IZ, and not the 'work' or 'social' IZ, which means I'm more quiet than I am in the other situations.

    We have been dating for 14 months. One thing that's odd about both of us is that we haven't had a lot of experience with dating. Me- I was at a job that demanded a lot of time and in time I got a lot of responsibility- so I had little time to develop any real relationships. She has had a few interests here and there but nothing to ever keep her interested. She is one of 5 girls, and the only man in her life growing up was her father, and he is a very level man. He's given her some real basic information about men, but I had to help her appreciate that those are generalities- every man has those needs to some extent, but that's all we need. Some have needs that are more important to them than those general things. But it has not been a consistent 14 months. Me- I'm one of 11 kids, and I really think my dad is an ISTJ and my mother is an ISFP. I'm more sure of my dad's type than my mom, but based on descriptions I'd say she's ISFP. They are both in their 60s and I doubt they will take the test to confirm it. Let's just say I grew up on tough love. It was nothing that would destroy you, but I got a punch as affection before I got a hug. Some of it had to do with culture also. So even though I have 6 sisters, I only learned some basic things. And even so, a sibling relationship differs from what I have with my girl.

    Our history's a little wierd- but just say she told me No when I asked her early on, and then months later she came back around. I was a little suspicious at first, and I purposefully approached the beginning of our relationship very detached and careful. I'm naturally detached, so that wasn't hard LOL, but I really had to see that she was in it for me and not some other selfish motive. I can appreciate the time factor; I've realized that's what we need, and am comfortable with it. I wasn't initially but I can't control this aspect.

    Her family life is good- her mom is not a fat lazy slob (love that! LOL). She's a sweetheart. I love her mom.

    I think my problem is, as an ISTJ that is used to accomplishing my goals, I expect that this relationship would work along the same lines as everything else. But since I'm dealing with another person who doesn't think like I do, it has frustrated me.

    It's definitely a matter of time for us, and better communication. We talked this weekend, and for her, she wants to take care of me, but what was holding her back was my actions. I told her from the jump that I didn't need a woman to take care of me- meaning that I wasn't one of those dudes that is getting hitched for a live-in slave. She took that to mean that I didn't need her at all, yet she stuck around, and said nothing, until I brought it up. Why? I don't get that. If she says or does something to me that doesn't seem right, I might think about it, but I would bring it up to her. I wouldn't sit on it for months and do nothing about it. We talked it out, but I was kind of annoyed that she would not bring it up sooner.

    Even though I'm ISTJ, I'm not a control freak in the extreme respect as your friend. I'm not critical, but I do ask a lot of why questions to try to learn a person, especially someone who I have some feelings invested in. The more you mean to me, the more protective I can be and will be more aware of what you do in your life, meaning I'll have more to say about your life. If I didn't care I'd say nothing and let you go about your life the way you feel is best. My girl has taken my questions as being critical or thinking that I think I'm better than her. I hate when she speaks like that- because it has no foundation. So it's not that I want total control, it's just in some respects, I have to trust that the person in control has my best interests at hand. That is based on experience for the most part. So, since I've been a pretty independent dude for a sizeable part of my adult life, it's hard for me to immediately let go of some of that, in those little things she wants to do. It's going to take some adjustment. I am somewhat particular with what I eat, especially during the week, so it will be a matter of communicating those things. For me it's easier to just take care of these things than have to explain it to someone. With more time and experience I'll get more comfortable with her.

    Sorry for the long response....I have gotten some good info over the last few days, so instead of going to them one by one- I'm giving a sweeping reply LOL

    Thanks everyone.

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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    We have been dating for 14 months. One thing that's odd about both of us is that we haven't had a lot of experience with dating. .........She is one of 5 girls, and the only man in her life growing up was her father, and he is a very level man. He's given her some real basic information about men, but I had to help her appreciate that those are generalities- every man has those needs to some extent, but that's all we need. Some have needs that are more important to them than those general things. ........................
    14 months is a good length of time to get to know eachother. : )
    Yes .. introverts don't date as much as extroverts.
    Glad she comes from a good family and has had a positive role model for a dad. She will naturally gravitate towards a level headed man like yourself! : )
    Soooo.... what are you talking about "basic info about men"; important needs v. general things?


    But it has not been a consistent 14 months. Me- I'm one of 11 kids, and I really think my dad is an ISTJ and my mother is an ISFP. I'm more sure of my dad's type than my mom, but based on descriptions I'd say she's ISFP. They are both in their 60s and I doubt they will take the test to confirm it. Let's just say I grew up on tough love. It was nothing that would destroy you, but I got a punch as affection before I got a hug. Some of it had to do with culture also. So even though I have 6 sisters, I only learned some basic things. And even so, a sibling relationship differs from what I have with my girl.
    I read that ST/SF relationships are the most common pairing since there are so many of them in the general population. Sharing the S works well, supposedly. If you grew up on tough love ... you have to consider what that means with your kids? What do you think your parenting style will be like compared to hers? Have you discussed kids and disclipline? "Spanking v. non-violent means". Usually you parent as you have been parented, even if it wasn't healthy. And usually you "love" your spouse as your gender role model did theirs? What problems did you see between your parents? What worked? What do you want to bring to your marriage. What would you leave behind?

    You can't imagine what life will be like when you first enter wedding bliss. You can't imagine what obstacles will be thrown your way. If I knew what I was about to get into when I got married, I would have run. Luckily we have a pretty strong relationship to endure the storms. When the boat started rocking too hard after 23 years of marriage, we got counseling. We faced infertility after having 1 baby, stress of adoption, stress of quitting work to raise kids .. 1 income is hard! THen we adopted 2 kids and then found out our bio child had a serious special need (mental illness) and then our 1st adopted child was diagnosed with mild autism 6 months later. Money problems, conflicts with sibling relationships .... OMG .. it doesn't end. Only a strong relationship can survive the stress of raising special needs kids. And these days 1 out of 166 births results in a baby with autism. Anyway .. not to scare you .. just a dose of reality. Do you think you can weather a storm with this woman? As an ISFP I've needed a strong shoulder to lean on. My ENFJ was strong for the most part. Anyway...........


    Our history's a little wierd- but just say she told me No when I asked her early on, and then months later she came back around. I was a little suspicious at first, and I purposefully approached the beginning of our relationship very detached and careful. I'm naturally detached, so that wasn't hard LOL, but I really had to see that she was in it for me and not some other selfish motive
    What other selfish motive is there? How did you two meet? You had a good approach in the beginning ... when my husband told me he was falling in love with me within a month I was scared to death and almost ran!


    Her family life is good- her mom is not a fat lazy slob (love that! LOL). She's a sweetheart. I love her mom.
    That's good .. when you marry a woman you also marry her mother, if she lives close by. : )


    I think my problem is, as an ISTJ that is used to accomplishing my goals, I expect that this relationship would work along the same lines as everything else. But since I'm dealing with another person who doesn't think like I do, it has frustrated me..
    And that is what marriage is all about ... compromise, tolerance, giving a little and hopefully getting in return. I think the first "fight" we had was 2 months into our marriage, Christmas morning. We woke up and like we did in my family, I went to our tree and started handing out his gifts. He, on the other hand had grown up with a different xmas ritual; church first and then gifts later. I was not happy but gave in as I was still shy and not assertive then. However, the next 23 xmas's was gifts then church!!!


    It's definitely a matter of time for us, and better communication. We talked this weekend, and for her, she wants to take care of me, but what was holding her back was my actions. I told her from the jump that I didn't need a woman to take care of me- meaning that I wasn't one of those dudes that is getting hitched for a live-in slave. She took that to mean that I didn't need her at all, yet she stuck around, and said nothing, until I brought it up.
    Yeah .. I think we ISFPs like to feel needed but we also want to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. So .. how does she want to "take care of you". Glad to hear you are not looking for a live in slave. I told my husband from the start that my mom (ISFJ) was a slave to my dad (InTJ) and I was not following in her footsteps!


    Why? I don't get that. If she says or does something to me that doesn't seem right, I might think about it, but I would bring it up to her. I wouldn't sit on it for months and do nothing about it. We talked it out, but I was kind of annoyed that she would not bring it up sooner.
    Sounds like she must be starting to trust you. Don't worry .. one day she will be secure enough to bring up disagreements as they arise and you will miss the days she was quiet!!!


    Even though I'm ISTJ, I'm not a control freak in the extreme respect as your friend. I'm not critical, but I do ask a lot of why questions to try to learn a person, especially someone who I have some feelings invested in. The more you mean to me, the more protective I can be and will be more aware of what you do in your life, meaning I'll have more to say about your life. If I didn't care I'd say nothing and let you go about your life the way you feel is best. My girl has taken my questions as being critical or thinking that I think I'm better than her. I hate when she speaks like that- because it has no foundation. So it's not that I want total control, it's just in some respects, I have to trust that the person in control has my best interests at hand. That is based on experience for the most part. So, since I've been a pretty independent dude for a sizeable part of my adult life, it's hard for me to immediately let go of some of that, in those little things she wants to do.
    Sounds good. I think he just had some "issues" from his upbringing, etc. Is she taking your questions as being critical because of the tone it is delivered? Do you have a concerned look when questioning or a judgememental look?" I read into non verbal cues as much as to content of what is being said. Saying "why did you do it that way" can sound very differently depending on tone.


    It's going to take some adjustment. I am somewhat particular with what I eat, especially during the week, so it will be a matter of communicating those things. For me it's easier to just take care of these things than have to explain it to someone. With more time and experience I'll get more comfortable with her.
    You better get comfortable before marriage! There are no return receipts on marriage; just a bitter expensive divorce.


    Sounds like you guys will be fine. Just lots of things to consider and idiosyncrisies to get use to. Do you playfully tease her? My husband brought me out of my shell that way.

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    I wanted to add that just because someone doesn't have a clear goal, it doesn't mean things are not getting done. Maybe they just like doing things when they pop up and not with a schedule in hand.
    I would eat an artichoke down to its heart,
    then feed the heart to him.
    It was enough that he was not you and utterly foreign,
    related to no one. So easy to love.

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    IZthe411 .... soooo.... are you going to ask her to marry you or not? Hope I didn't scare you away from popping the question!

    J

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    Quote Originally Posted by ayoitsStepho View Post
    I can't say I have goals really, more like I know where I would like to be. But I usually don't know how to get there. For myself, my actual goal would have to be to improve myself. I think thats really it. I want to be the best I can be. In my head, if somethings suppost to happen, it'll happen. Why stress over it ya know? If my heart is in it, then I'll dig into almot more, but still I can't say there's a goal.
    I agree with most of this. I have goals, like getting a good job, getting married, and having children, but to achieve the first one, I must firstly know that what career I want, is what will truely make me happy, and also give me enough money to provide for myself.

    I'm really struggling with it. I want to do something, but putting this goal into reality seems scary. I really want to something with my life, but it concerns me that I have no idea what to do with it. I have taken IT, and Media based courses, but found out that IT bored me, and Media was easy to bullshit. I have just quit my course which included criminology, sociology, and psychology, because it was too fast paced for me. I also only enjoyed psychology. But to be honest, I can't see myself really sticking through with it, if I took it at a higher level.

    I'm dating an XSTJ at the moment, and he has also struggled and wanted to do something with his life, and he is now going into the Navy. I have told him about my fears, and he understands. He said he had a plan if I had trouble, and he would help me. I hate when people don't tell you things. ;] This doesn't mean that I have the choice to have no goals, it's just nice to know someone is supporting me.

    What I am saying is, if you loved this girl, you should support her, not put her down.
    6w7.

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    one of my best friends is ISFP and is on his way to reaching his goals quite well I'd say. He goes to school at Virginia Tech and it's completely covered by scholarships as long as he keeps with engineering. He's in the ROTC for the chair force and wants to fly planes. I really do not doubt he will. He's definitely a hard-worker when he needs to be. Although when he's on break he's likely to be found playing xbox or something almost everyday.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie1962 View Post
    IZthe411 .... soooo.... are you going to ask her to marry you or not? Hope I didn't scare you away from popping the question!

    J

    I'm still around-

    I still plan to marry her. I haven't asked the question.

    We are still together, though. Since I left that message, I did some digging and we've kind of opened up about some things. So we are still working it out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    I'm still around-

    I still plan to marry her. I haven't asked the question.

    We are still together, though. Since I left that message, I did some digging and we've kind of opened up about some things. So we are still working it out.
    Some things that would be helpful for you to know about typology. A lot of posters who responded to you reasoned by this inference. Someone is this or that type, therefore it means that they have this or that personality quality or that they will perforce behave in one specified way. For example, if someone is a P, they will be disorganized or if someone is an I they will be shy. Don't pay much attention to posts of that nature.

    A type is a solidified natural tendency to function in a certain way. So, if you are I, it is the most natural for you to become stimulated by passive activity that requires little interaction rather than activities demanding a high degree of interaction. So if someone is a certain type, it means their mind will tend to function in a certain way.

    So, what does this mean with regard to your predicament? If someone is a Te type, their judgment most easily responds to the external world. So, it will be easy for a person to make assessments on the basis of what is to be found in the external world such as meeting conventional goals like receiving a quality job, or procuring praise from important people. Since judgment works around the external world, its also easy to take conventional steps towards acheiving the goal in question such as making simple lists, plans and relying on typical guidelines and instructions others have established.

    Yet if someone's judgment is internally aimed, its much easier to look for what is satisfying to the person's inner being rather than what is conventionally valued by others. Since the judgment is also internally focused, its difficult to rely on the methods propounded by others or what is easily found in the external world. This is so as the introverted judgment leads a person to be more easily motivated by what appears to be internally appealing.

    In short, the easiest way to help someone with the introverted judgment disposition is to find somethign that they could find intrinsically worthwhile. In short, for a typical person it is easy to be motivated by conventional goals that they may not enjoy or find intrinsically worthwhile, yet for an Introverted judging mindset its often very important that the goal in question is intrinsically worthwhile.
    "Do not argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." -- Mark Twain

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    I have goals, and serious ones, but they're more ingrained in my subconscious than my conscious. You know, the place where I dream. And usually, I have more than one goal, and it wouldn't drastically kill me if I don't reach some or most of them.

    And then I would not talk about my goals, cause then it exposes myself before I'm ready, and then I feel like I HAVE to follow them cause I told somebody and there's no room for change or creativity.

    Actually, in the back of my head, I have some direction as to where I'm going. And I AM actually heading to my goals one day at a time. There's no rush. I'll get to them when I get to them.

    My life is like a piece of art in the process of its creation. When I'm old, I'll look back at it and appreciate what an intricate and beautiful piece I made. But as for now, I have to focus with detail on the things I must create at this stage. I can't focus on the next stage when there's so much yet to do with this one.

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