User Tag List

First 678910 Last

Results 71 to 80 of 91

Thread: ISFP and Goals

  1. #71
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    No, I'm trying to see things from your perspective. And I have a lot of experience with your perspective, considering my dad is the same type as yours and I know how it works. Maybe I'm not understanding what you are trying to get at. What issue? The goal issue? Because it sounds like your goal is to be married to someone who will do things the way you do them. So that's what gives me pause. Because that is not a good way to start a marriage. A marriage is about both perspectives coming together, working together. So she's going to have her own way of doing things, as you do, and you both will have to sacrifice, let some principles you hold dear go in order for it to work.

    We know so little of your gf because we are getting only your perspective, not hers. So I guess maybe I should just stop talking because I have no advice to give you aside from the fact it sounds like you have a lot of communicating you need to do with each other before you should even consider getting married.
    It is communication, I think our styles are very different and cause some issues. But again, you don't understand where I'm coming from, and while you are trying to see things from my perspective, you can't. Your experience with your father, for one, is over a very long period of time, where you really had no choice but to deal with him. My situation involves 2 independednt adults, who are pretty much set in their ways, and who love each other and are trying to work out a difference. A parent/child's relationship is different from a man/woman intimate relationship. The goal issue is symbolic of me trying to get an idea of where she wants to go in life. Goals are a basis of what type of future you want, and based on her communication I don't get a good feeling of what she wants and where she wants to go.

    I'm not dissing you, or what you said. I appreciate the input, but you have incorrectly concluded on me and my relationship.

  2. #72
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinebrighter View Post
    I agree. You definitely want to work with her and do not want to change who she is.

    It is unfair to expect you change for her and her not to change for you. With a potential marriage you both have to learn to compromise. Like you said before it's not the actually goal that is important. It her showing that she can be serious. I certainly do not want to marry someone who acts like they don't care 24/7. It would hurt my feelings when something important comes up. What you are asking her to do is not a lot.

    I think it's great that you are trying to understand her. You are trying to make her feel more comfortable. You being here and trying to make it work shows that you care.
    And what's bolded here is what no one seems to see. I have asked myself many times should I end it, but there's no reason to end it. Nobody's doing anything wrong. A relationship is work and it takes time and effort, and that's what I'm giving it.

  3. #73
    brainheart
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    I'm not dissing you, or what you said. I appreciate the input, but you have incorrectly concluded on me and my relationship.
    Good, I'm glad. Sometimes I'm pleased to be proven wrong.

    And I mean it when I wish you luck. And I do think there are some miscommunication issues with ISTJs and INFPs so I can see why we've had some of that. It's like that with my dad, too, which I know isn't the same as a marriage. We both try but there are certain things we just can't communicate to each other effectively, no matter what. But I've found if we talk about the 'safe Si' stuff- you know, we both like old buildings, identifying birds and plants, going on walks and noticing things, period PBS mystery adaptations, stuff like that... we're good.

    I'll be sending good vibes your way.

  4. #74
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie1962 View Post
    I think that is the problem with a relationship between two introverts, there is not enough communication going on. I knew when I was dating my ENFJ husband what he wanted for his future. I then had time to reflect if I wanted the same things in life so by the time he proposed to me, 5 months into relationship, I knew we were on the same track.

    I'm glad you are putting alot of thought into this before proposing. I think you may have to take the lead in communicating now .. hinting around about what you see for your future and see how she reacts. If she doesn't know what she wants, at least you may get her thinking about it now.

    LOL .. by that comment I meant that ISFPs, who are like me, tend to be shy, passive and insecure in a relationship. I wasn't able to show my more stubborn and/or assertive side until I was very secure in my relationship with husband which was after we got married. I felt more confident to state what I wanted or needed then.

    Good luck!
    Thank you for understanding my perspective. I've asked her does she think the fact we are both introverts make the communication thing a little harder. She doesn't think so, but then again, she's doesn't study and is not as observant as I am. I think it does, since if I ask a question, it would be nice to get a more lengthy response. BUT, the fact that we are both 'I's is not a reason to break up.

    I don't want to direct her or control her. I just want to get a feeling that we are both on the same page. I do see I could be a little more creative in how I go about it.

    Concerning your last comment: I think for her a ring is that confirmation of our relationship status. She hasn't expressed it to me verbally, but my expectation is that she will become a different person. And because she doesn't have a ring yet, in my mind I feel she's playing it safe- not in the sense that she's trying to go along under the radar, but not rocking the boat too much. She says she's not, but I get that sense. I wish it wasn't that way, because I want to see that assertive side NOW. It's not stopping me from pursuing her, because I love her and am willing to deal with it should it happen, but know if she does a 180 on me after the ring, I'm going to call her on it.

  5. #75
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    Good, I'm glad. Sometimes I'm pleased to be proven wrong.

    And I mean it when I wish you luck. And I do think there are some miscommunication issues with ISTJs and INFPs so I can see why we've had some of that. It's like that with my dad, too, which I know isn't the same as a marriage. We both try but there are certain things we just can't communicate to each other effectively, no matter what. But I've found if we talk about the 'safe Si' stuff- you know, we both like old buildings, identifying birds and plants, going on walks and noticing things, period PBS mystery adaptations, stuff like that... we're good.

    I'll be sending good vibes your way.

    Thanks.

    As an INFP you and my girl both share that dominant Fi. And some of your arguments sound like something she would say, especially the clone thing.

    But one thing is for sure, she knows I'm genuine and I want this to work. That's why she's toughing it out with me.

  6. #76
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    IXFP
    Posts
    82

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    And what's bolded here is what no one seems to see. I have asked myself many times should I end it, but there's no reason to end it. Nobody's doing anything wrong. A relationship is work and it takes time and effort, and that's what I'm giving it.
    Nobody is doing anything wrong huh? If everything was fine and dandy you wouldn't be here.

    A lack of communication is a good reason to break up. You questioning many times whether to break up with a girl who you may marry is not good. Now I'm not suggesting that you break up now. Keep trying to connect with her BUT if she still does not get it and she does not seem to want to get it then I suggest breaking up.

    You are not that young anymore. *Assuming you are around your girlfriends age* Don't waste your time on something that is not willing to work with you.

  7. #77
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    I'm thinking that you're afraid that she doesn't love you for you.

  8. #78
    Senior Member LeafAndSky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Posts
    308

    Default

    Hi IZthe411,

    This is my first post here (and I guess I should go do an intro post, will get to that later, I'm writing this one at a library).

    It looks like you got much good feedback and a workable way to move forward (breaking your concern about compatible goals into detailed questions). So the issue you asked about is probably solved to your satisfaction as far as this thread goes.

    But reading this thread bought up a few concerns, and I'd like to share them with you. Take whatever you think applies, leave the rest. Of course!

    You wrote, "But if she works part time or not at all, I do expect the house to look a certain way at all times, and food should be cooked. I hate eating out unnecesssarily and if she's not doing that, what is she doing?"

    And you wrote, "See, I already own a house, and pretty much have things laid out. I want my wife to be able to come in and maintain what I already have going, not throw it off."

    I was in a 19-year marriage that as far as I could tell was ISTJ male and ISFP female (me). Who filed for divorce? Me. While I originally appreciated our differences and how they worked together, the relationship ultimately wore me down. I tried, tried hard to stay, for years. We have kids, teens.

    Communication is key, and I see that you are willing to work on this on an ongoing basis. That's absolutely wonderful. Please don't let up after rings are on fingers!

    Some 'heads-up' things to remember as you move forward with this woman, if you do:

    Marriage is a partnership. Equals. Equals is a critical concept.

    Unilateral decision-making on your part will damage the relationship. What I mean is things like: "I do expect the house to look a certain way at all times." Do you know yet how she would like the house to look? If your preferences differ in some areas, can you reach a compromise? (Add kids to the equation and can you reach a second compromise?) This is just one example; any unilateral decision-making that affects the other person is going to be a problem, things like changing her health insurance without discussion.

    If you make more money than she does, will you nonetheless make financial decisions as equals? I don't mean that you both have to agree on details of a mortgage; she may be happy with you handling the 'high finance.' But what about preferences on how much is available for vacations and how much to save and at what level of risk? If you see things differently now or later on, can you both compromise? Will you have the accounts and assets in both partners' names? Having money in one person's name only is very damaging to a partnership. So is 'giving' your wife an 'allowance.'

    She will likely appreciate your dependability and financial contributions very much, especially if you have kids. You may feel you are showing love through these things, and you are, from your perspective. But can you also show her affection other than sexual? Hugs, touches, playfulness. Can you make regular time for her in your structured life? These are the things that bond people; this is not trivial.

    Without the above, she may eventually come to feel that she is disliked for who she is, and viewed as inferior or a possession, and feel that although you want a family, you do not want a relationship. If you truly do like who she is, and do truly want to spend time in her company, let her know in ways that she understands -- not solely in ways that you understand.

    You two are very different people. If she ever asks for marriage counseling, jump right in. Do it even if insurance doesn't cover it. I do think such a pairing could work, but only if there is ongoing effort over the long haul.

    In fact, could you two, if the relationship continues, eventually look into taking a premarital counseling course of some kind, something reputable and well-done?

    I wish you happiness and fulfillment.

  9. #79
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinebrighter View Post
    Nobody is doing anything wrong huh? If everything was fine and dandy you wouldn't be here.

    A lack of communication is a good reason to break up. You questioning many times whether to break up with a girl who you may marry is not good. Now I'm not suggesting that you break up now. Keep trying to connect with her BUT if she still does not get it and she does not seem to want to get it then I suggest breaking up.

    You are not that young anymore. *Assuming you are around your girlfriends age* Don't waste your time on something that is not willing to work with you.
    I agree with that.

    That's why I'm trying to avoid saying a lack of communciation. We talk, but I feel like there's something not being said. Again, it's not deceit, but it's probably something she doesn't discern I need to hear and I haven't approached it the right way.

  10. #80
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    2,591

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    I'm thinking that you're afraid that she doesn't love you for you.
    Giggly!

    It was a feeling, at one point. I no longer feel that way.

Similar Threads

  1. [ISFP] ISFPs and fluid identity
    By Quinlan in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: 01-29-2010, 07:17 AM
  2. [ISFP] ISFPs and kindness
    By warm8 in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 08-13-2009, 04:55 PM
  3. [ISFP] ISFPs and Codepency
    By kštzchen0812 in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 08-07-2009, 11:13 AM
  4. [ISFP] ISFPs and Gender
    By Sunshine in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 42
    Last Post: 03-04-2009, 08:20 AM
  5. [ISFP] ISFP and hiding emotions
    By NYmac86 in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 12-31-2008, 03:03 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO