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Thread: ESFP & ISTP

  1. #1
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Default ESFP & ISTP

    Haven't posted in this SP forum much, but I need some advice to give my friend..

    She's an ESxP (pretty positive it's F, but she takes pride in the fact that she's always referred to as a 'b*tch') and she's dating her long time friend of 8 years, an ISTP.

    I am not too knowledgeable about ISTPs, and I need to know some things about them.

    Their relationship seems to be failing. He's way too 'careless' 'unemotional' 'uncaring'. He never enjoys himself, especially if we do ANYTHING that involves people. Nothing to him is ever fun, or worthwhile. If you spend a day with him, I can't tell you how many times you hear him critique someone/something or talk about how annoying something is. He is a cloud of bitterness.

    They never do anything besides hang out at his house. She thinks of cute dates or even dates that are 'guy-ish' that he still won't do. He thinks they're dumb, pointless, or too expensive. Even cheap-no-cost dates are out of the question--like taking a walk through a park!!

    Now, their big problem is him not letting her in emotionally. They also see each other only 2 times a week, and they live only about 15 minutes away. He never ever invited her over, she always has to invite herself. He doesn't act like he cares about her. If he has a bad day at work, he doesn't want to see her. She worries that if she never asked to come over, she would never ever see him.

    When they argue, he gives her a run around. "There's no point in arguing. I love you" is his main phrase. Or "What's the point of arguing, this happened one time..." So its like he fails to see her point of view, or even chooses to ignore whatever conflict occurs.

    Is this typical of ISTPs? Is this just him? Is she not understanding ISTPs? Is there something I could give her to help her?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Well, regardless of his type, she should dump him if she is unsatisfied.

    Nonetheless, I have a close ISTP friend. I'll try to give some insights.

    Their relationship seems to be failing. He's way too 'careless' 'unemotional' 'uncaring'.
    I'd say those are typical issues with ISTPs.

    He never enjoys himself, especially if we do ANYTHING that involves people. Nothing to him is ever fun, or worthwhile. If you spend a day with him, I can't tell you how many times you hear him critique someone/something or talk about how annoying something is. He is a cloud of bitterness.
    My ISTP friend tells it how it is. He doesn't sugarcoat anything and can come across as mean and insensitive. Nonetheless, there isn't anything bitter about it. That isn't a type thing; that's a personal flaw.

    They never do anything besides hang out at his house. She thinks of cute dates or even dates that are 'guy-ish' that he still won't do. He thinks they're dumb, pointless, or too expensive. Even cheap-no-cost dates are out of the question--like taking a walk through a park!!
    That's odd. I know that my ISTP friend is opposed to PDA. However, he never has a problem going out. He loves being outside. That may be a personal flaw as well.

    Now, their big problem is him not letting her in emotionally. They also see each other only 2 times a week, and they live only about 15 minutes away. He never ever invited her over, she always has to invite herself. He doesn't act like he cares about her. If he has a bad day at work, he doesn't want to see her. She worries that if she never asked to come over, she would never ever see him.
    That sounds more familiar. 2 times a week is a lot for some ISTPs. They require a lot of space. My ISTP appreciated his girlfriend because he could go several days without calling her and she wouldn't take it personally. When their emotions are high, like on bad days at work, they handle it by isolating themselves. I don't believe that is personal.

    I also used to worry that I would never see my ISTP friend if I stopped messaging him, since I almost always initiated communication. Then, there was this one incident where I contacted him after several weeks of silence. He said something on the lines of: "Wow, it's been awhile since I've heard from you! That's weird!" I was surprised that he had noticed, and wondered: "if he had been so bothered by it, why didn't he contact me himself?" O_o Nonetheless... as our relationship progressed, he got a lot better at initiating get togethers.

    When they argue, he gives her a run around. "There's no point in arguing. I love you" is his main phrase. Or "What's the point of arguing, this happened one time..." So its like he fails to see her point of view, or even chooses to ignore whatever conflict occurs.
    This sounds familiar too. They see things extremely objectively and impersonally. No matter how much I emotionalize a situation, my friend doesn't join in. He will just bluntly state his opinion if I ask for it. He has no tolerance of drama and does nothing to add to it. Things don't bother him the way that they bother most people. I would recommend to clearly state what is bothering you, why it is bothering you, and what you want him to do. They generaly respect boundaries. Although my ISTP friend doesn't match my level of effusiveness, he's able to see my point of view objectively and adjust accordingly.

    Hope that helps!
    Everybody needs love.

  3. #3
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Thank you SO much!! I appreciate that you commented on all that I noted. That makes sense to me as you explained it further.

    Your ISTP friend.. his girlfriend-- what was her type? I'm just curious to see what types aren't affected by ISTPs distance in relationships.

    I agree, I think she should break up with him, but she doesn't want that. She can't really give me details as to why she thinks it can work though..

  4. #4
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Thank you SO much!! I appreciate that you commented on all that I noted. That makes sense to me as you explained it further.
    Glad to help! )

    Your ISTP friend.. his girlfriend-- what was her type? I'm just curious to see what types aren't affected by ISTPs distance in relationships.
    ENFP, maybe??

    I agree, I think she should break up with him, but she doesn't want that. She can't really give me details as to why she thinks it can work though..
    Huh... in that case we'll just work with what we have.
    Basically:
    1. Have her explain her emotions in a clear, objective manner. Have her [nonaggressively] state what she wants. Don't assume that he SHOULD know something to do with politeness or feelings. He legitimately might not see it that way and not understand why people are getting upset.
    2. Have her change HER ideas of what a guy in love would want or would do. That will make her feel unloved, which most likely isn't the case. Have her focus on his good points. He may not be emotional, but at least he doesn't overreact and start fights. Etc.
    3. As for getting him outside... Maybe find outings that correlate with his interests? Maybe he needs to see why something is worthwhile before doing it. There needs to be a reason. Why would he go outside when he could just as easily bond with her in the house with expending less energy? ISTPs can be lazy. This reminds me of my ISTP/J father.
    Me: "Can I hang out with my friend?" [I would get there on my own... take care of myself... etc]
    Him: No.
    Me: Why not?
    Him: Because.
    Me: Is there a reason?
    Him: It's unneccessary.
    You see, as an engineer, he doesn't seem to understand the concept of love and community as a valid reason in itself. x__x When I explained that she as going through some troubles and that she needed my support, he let me go. He just had to have a reason.
    Everybody needs love.

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    Senior Member man's Avatar
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    He sounds like a dumbass.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    He's way too 'careless' 'unemotional' 'uncaring'. He never enjoys himself, especially if we do ANYTHING that involves people. Nothing to him is ever fun, or worthwhile. If you spend a day with him, I can't tell you how many times you hear him critique someone/something or talk about how annoying something is. He is a cloud of bitterness.
    Quote Originally Posted by man View Post
    He sounds like a dumbass.
    agreed.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    She should dump him.

    They were friends for 8 years? Why? He sounds like a jerk - details are missing here.

    He's probably depressed. He needs his head sorted out.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  8. #8
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    He wasn't like this during their friendship/beginning stages of dating. He would do whatever she wanted. They hung out every day, he went out with her friends, you name it. But, the moment they were exclusively dating and official he stopped. She confronted him about the transformation and he simply said "I was trying to date you. I wanted to go out because you were going out. Now I have you so I don't have to do that stuff anymore"

    o.O

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    Senior Member mcmartinez84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bamboo View Post
    She should dump him.

    They were friends for 8 years? Why? He sounds like a jerk - details are missing here.

    He's probably depressed. He needs his head sorted out.
    I think I agree with that right there. He may not admit it, he may not even suspect it. But I think he's probably down about something...
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  10. #10
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mcmartinez84 View Post
    I think I agree with that right there. He may not admit it, he may not even suspect it. But I think he's probably down about something...
    Interesting... I can see this too with some personal details I know about him...
    Is there a way my ESFP friend can suggest him getting help? Will this backfire? I could see him denying it and thinking that whatever depressed feeling he may have (regardless if he admits it or not) is stupid and he won't want to acknowledge that its even a possibility. Since he thrives on letting everyone know how apathetic he is about people and life in general.

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