[ISTP] ISTPs, close friends and need for space

[Rachelinpa]

This is what I want to know about.

When does a person transition into a "close friend" -- do you term it that way? I want to know how you define that.

Also, do you need space? How much space?

My ISTP female friend and I seem to be connected a lot. Like, we can talk on IM all day long and then text throughout the day randomly and call each other randomly... which to me feels normal...

My ISTP guy friend from years ago and I used to talk on the phone every night. Never a romantic relationship.

In both relationships, I do most of the initiating, but it seems like they don't really mind it and in fact, maybe even appreciate that. It's more that they don't think to do it (stay connected) as much as I do. There is a difference in that they are not CLINGY relationships, but certainly HIGH COMMUNICATION. Is this so for other ISTPs too?

 

[jixmixfix]

This is what I want to know about.

When does a person transition into a "close friend" -- do you term it that way? I want to know how you define that.

Also, do you need space? How much space?

My ISTP female friend and I seem to be connected a lot. Like, we can talk on IM all day long and then text throughout the day randomly and call each other randomly... which to me feels normal...

My ISTP guy friend from years ago and I used to talk on the phone every night. Never a romantic relationship.

In both relationships, I do most of the initiating, but it seems like they don't really mind it and in fact, maybe even appreciate that. It's more that they don't think to do it (stay connected) as much as I do. There is a difference in that they are not CLINGY relationships, but certainly HIGH COMMUNICATION. Is this so for other ISTPs too?

yeah the non clingy high communication part seems to be true.

 

[slant]

This is what I want to know about.

When does a person transition into a "close friend" -- do you term it that way? I want to know how you define that.

Also, do you need space? How much space?

My ISTP female friend and I seem to be connected a lot. Like, we can talk on IM all day long and then text throughout the day randomly and call each other randomly... which to me feels normal...

My ISTP guy friend from years ago and I used to talk on the phone every night. Never a romantic relationship.

In both relationships, I do most of the initiating, but it seems like they don't really mind it and in fact, maybe even appreciate that. It's more that they don't think to do it (stay connected) as much as I do. There is a difference in that they are not CLINGY relationships, but certainly HIGH COMMUNICATION. Is this so for other ISTPs too?

Usually I consider someone a close friend if:

We talk a lot, but not too much. At minimum once a month, and at max three times a week. We hang out once every 1 or 2 months, at max twice a month.

OR

We may not talk a lot, probably minumum and max is once every two or three months, and we hang out probably once every three or four months, but we were good friends in the past and have been friends for a number of years.


I do need a lot of space. Look at it this way: If I was in a relationship, I wouldn't move in with my partner, even if we were married. I'd keep everything seperate- money, cars, bills. That's actually one reason from a long list of why I don't believe in marriage--- you have to share everything.

 

[man]

My "I" is pretty slight, so for my "close friends" I wouldn't mind if we hung out the majority of the days a week. I don't care if people initiate communication with me multiple times a day if I like them, and I'll certainly reciprocate.

I definitely would not want to talk on the phone every night with a non-girlfriend though. I hate phone calls and I'd much rather just meet in person or communicate through text/IM.

 

[Rachelinpa]

My "I" is pretty slight, so for my "close friends" I wouldn't mind if we hung out the majority of the days a week. I don't care if people initiate communication with me multiple times a day if I like them, and I'll certainly reciprocate.

I definitely would not want to talk on the phone every night with a non-girlfriend though. I hate phone calls and I'd much rather just meet in person or communicate through text/IM.

"I DON'T CARE" and "IF I LIKE THEM" -- interesting. Yes, it seems that you do not mind it, but again, it is not like you naturally would do it on your own? True?

My newest ISTP said that about the phone thing too. Rather would meet in person. But, wouldn't you rather talk than not talk... rather to WAIT to meet in person? No?

 

[man]

I guess "I don't care" was the wrong choice of words. I mean, I actually enjoy getting contacted by people I like/find interesting. I don't like initiating contact with others so much, but I like to spend time with my close friends/party/etc. more so than I like being alone.

The phone thing I just don't know. I think it's cause I like being able to see the person I'm talking to, mainly so that I can read their body language and react accordingly.

 

[Rachelinpa]

I don't like initiating contact with others so much

Why do you think this is?

 

[man]

Why do you think this is?

I'm too busy and I don't think about it. Usually I'm invited to something, but on the chance where I'm completely bored and I have absolutely nothing to do I'll reach out.

 

[mcmartinez84]

This is what I want to know about.

When does a person transition into a "close friend" -- do you term it that way? I want to know how you define that.

Also, do you need space? How much space?

My ISTP female friend and I seem to be connected a lot. Like, we can talk on IM all day long and then text throughout the day randomly and call each other randomly... which to me feels normal...

My ISTP guy friend from years ago and I used to talk on the phone every night. Never a romantic relationship.

In both relationships, I do most of the initiating, but it seems like they don't really mind it and in fact, maybe even appreciate that. It's more that they don't think to do it (stay connected) as much as I do. There is a difference in that they are not CLINGY relationships, but certainly HIGH COMMUNICATION. Is this so for other ISTPs too?

I just don't think to call people. Plus, I'm not big on phone conversations. I can have long, drawn out conversations if it's someone I don't talk to very often....once every couple of weeks at most.

And as far as I know, we like ENFPs! You guys are a bunch of random stuff waiting to happen around us. (If we didn't like you, we'd stop answering the phone...)

As far as how often we hang out... I've got a few friends from work that I probably wouldn't be friends with if I had a different job. It's not that I don't like them, 'cause I do! But the fact that our schedules can be the same and the fact that we're in the same building all of the time facilitates being friends. Even with sites like Facebook, I find it hard to maintain contact with people I don't see on a regular basis. I see my work friends a good 2+ times a week for lunch, not to mention I see them around the building as well. I even hang out with a couple of them outside of work quite a bit.

I've found that with the right people I'm much more willing to be a bit less "I" and a little more "E"

I do need a lot of space. Look at it this way: If I was in a relationship, I wouldn't move in with my partner, even if we were married. I'd keep everything seperate- money, cars, bills. That's actually one reason from a long list of why I don't believe in marriage--- you have to share everything.

Having roommates was the pits, and I'll be darned to heck and back if I ever have to have one again. But! I've found that I'm willing to share time and space with some people. They have a certain quality that makes me comfortable around them. Some of it is trust... That being said, I'm not a fan of marriage. I think it's stupid. Sharing parts of life with some people is nice tho. I like taking it one day at a time (mmm, SP!). At some point you realize you could spend a LOT of time and share more of your space with someone. I've never been married or even lived with a boyfriend, but I'd imagine you don't share *every*thing ever. Not if you both know you want space. At that point it seems like a lack of respect or invasion of privacy if that needed space isn't taken into account. I would distance myself from someone if I felt that way about them before it got that far along.


Reasons for not initiating contact are pretty much 'cause I don't think about it. One major factor is that my free time isn't necessarily when your free time is. I feel like I'm bothering people when I call them up and they're in the middle of something. Also, I don't usually have much in particular to say.

 

[tetsuwanatom]

This is what I want to know about.

When does a person transition into a "close friend" -- do you term it that way? I want to know how you define that.

Also, do you need space? How much space?

My ISTP female friend and I seem to be connected a lot. Like, we can talk on IM all day long and then text throughout the day randomly and call each other randomly... which to me feels normal...

My ISTP guy friend from years ago and I used to talk on the phone every night. Never a romantic relationship.

In both relationships, I do most of the initiating, but it seems like they don't really mind it and in fact, maybe even appreciate that. It's more that they don't think to do it (stay connected) as much as I do. There is a difference in that they are not CLINGY relationships, but certainly HIGH COMMUNICATION. Is this so for other ISTPs too?

1) Close friend:
this is really hard for me to say... i dont know when it happens... its just that suddenly i realise that this person is very close to me.
before this happens, we usually would have shared some significant experiences together where i go beyond my normal introverted's "extroverted" persona and share my inner world with the other person within that experience.

2) Space:
Oh yes! space where i can do all my shite and not be interrupted.
how much? hmm...
this depends on the other person too... i would say i would need a minimum 1 full hour to myself per day... actually make that 2... with some people it could be weeks... hehe

3) With people in my inner circle, yes i communicate A LOT. Also with people in my inner circle, i do initiate quite a lot...

 

[Willfrey]

I'm too busy and I don't think about it. Usually I'm invited to something, but on the chance where I'm completely bored and I have absolutely nothing to do I'll reach out.

I am sort of like this, but if I have a love interest in somebody I'll definately be more forward, I don't like the thought of letting somebody I had a chance with slip away. Though usually reaching out involves invitations to go do something, catch a movie, dinner and the like, I don't mind idle chatter though I always get the sense I'm bothering people when I text them with nothing remotely important to say.

 

[Rachelinpa]

thanks for all these responses... interesting to me.

 

[slant]

Having roommates was the pits, and I'll be darned to heck and back if I ever have to have one again. But! I've found that I'm willing to share time and space with some people. They have a certain quality that makes me comfortable around them. Some of it is trust... That being said, I'm not a fan of marriage. I think it's stupid. Sharing parts of life with some people is nice tho. I like taking it one day at a time (mmm, SP!). At some point you realize you could spend a LOT of time and share more of your space with someone. I've never been married or even lived with a boyfriend, but I'd imagine you don't share *every*thing ever. Not if you both know you want space. At that point it seems like a lack of respect or invasion of privacy if that needed space isn't taken into account. I would distance myself from someone if I felt that way about them before it got that far along.

Well there are also inherent flaws to marriage likes its religious implications. Also, I kind of wane from being interested in someone or not. For one day I could feel absolutely obsessed and crazy about someone, and the next day I wouldn't care if they were run over by a bus. So it's quite hard to imagine having someone live with me when it's possible I won't even enjoy them the next day. That's why I like having space, it gives me room to ignore people and initiate contact if I want to. If I don't want to, hell, what are they going to do about it? Plus, I feel like I'd never want one partner for the rest of my life. The spice of life is having a ton of different people.

 

[Bamboo]

I'm not really sure where the line is where someone becomes a close friend. I suppose there's everyone I hang around a lot and then there's the people who I actually talk to and I feel like there's reciprocity between us? I don't know how to define it really, but when someone is close I know it.

I do like my space. If I don't get time to myself, I get irritable, kinda crazy, and have trouble thinking. I find that I can get over exposed at parties for instance, and I need to chill out on the porch for a bit/take a walk to really feel right. It's not that I'm not enjoying myself, it's just I'll enjoy everything a lot more if I take breaks. In college I had a forced triple, so I had no time in the dorm to myself. I spent lots of time biking/outdoors just to be on my own. Although, I just really like biking.

 

[StephMC]

Um... well I pretty much agree with what everyone has said, but especially all of this:

(If we didn't like you, we'd stop answering the phone...)

Hahaha... yeah... that's actually a really, really good indicator. I don't pick up the phone for just anyone. My time is valuable I feel bad admitting it, but for the friends that I like but don't necessarily feel close too, they'll contact me a lot... and I usually get back to them whenever I feel like it. It's the people I feel close to that I'll pick up the phone for right away. And if I happen to be super busy, I'll at least make an effort to let them know I'll get back to them when I can. Although all this varies... just look for consistency

I've found that I'm willing to share time and space with some people. They have a certain quality that makes me comfortable around them. Some of it is trust...
....Reasons for not initiating contact are pretty much 'cause I don't think about it. One major factor is that my free time isn't necessarily when your free time is. I feel like I'm bothering people when I call them up and they're in the middle of something. Also, I don't usually have much in particular to say.

Pretty much... Since my time seems so elastic and I work around things as they come to me day-to-day, I'm very open to people randomly calling/texting/aiming me. As long as I get at least 2-4 hours to myself, and get what I need to get done, I'm down for whatever. I really appreciate the friends that are aware of my need for space and freedom, and don't hold it against me if I disappear for a bit. I definitely rather others initiate, though. The only people I initiate with are people I've either known for several years, or have talked to on almost a daily basis for a long ass time. So yeah, the time/comfort factor is huge when deciding whether I consider someone a "close friend."

I've found that with the right people I'm much more willing to be a bit less "I" and a little more "E"

1) Close friend:
this is really hard for me to say... i dont know when it happens... its just that suddenly i realise that this person is very close to me.
before this happens, we usually would have shared some significant experiences together where i go beyond my normal introverted's "extroverted" persona and share my inner world with the other person within that experience.

Definitely. When I seem more extroverted, that's probably a pretty good indicator that I'm at least comfortable around you. Which in turn, is a great step towards being a "close friend."

I guess I also might add that while I'm not really down for a relationship at the moment, my willingness to let people share my space is increasing with age. So I'm pretty sure I'd be fine with marriage/living together. I actually lived with a boyfriend for three months (ESTJ) this past summer. It suited me just fine... but we agreed we'd keep it to that because I had to move back to my home city for a job.