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  1. #31
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    I wish I was ranting but I'm not... He really does/did have great qualities... especially when we first started dating. Then, over time, after some stuff happened and we both hurt each other, our relationship began to deteriorate. Unfortunately, I think it was both of our faults but he is the one who won't try to fix the problems. I wish there was some way I could figure him out and know whats going on inside of his head.
    Ok, I was just wondering.
    When you say he wont try to fix the problems, does he agree with that statement? Is he intentionally sabatoging your relationship maybe? Perhaps to get you back for something he feels you did to him(you said you hurt each other)?

    Even if you could figure him out, what would you do with the information? If he's a real ESTP, then he is the persuader, not the persuadee. ESTPs, at their best and worst, are master manipulators of people. If he's mad at you or resents you, trust that this ability(to play puppet master) works against your favor in the worst way. I suspect that you're doing exactly what he wants you to do(feeling guilty, obsessing about the relationship, considering all the reasons why he's doing xyz, etc).

    If you've hurt him and done all you feel you can to reconcile to no avail; if I were you, I'd just get out of the way. You can't tell someone how long to hurt or be angry when they've been slighted. But you can usually determine for yourself how much revenge you are willing to allow them to exact on you. Reduce the intensity of your attachment to him as best you can. Easier said than done, I know.

  2. #32
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    All I'm saying is don't seriously make up your mind on whether to end a relationship based on what some random people say on an internet forum.
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  3. #33
    PEST that STEPs on PETS stellar renegade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    I wish I was ranting but I'm not... He really does/did have great qualities... especially when we first started dating. Then, over time, after some stuff happened and we both hurt each other, our relationship began to deteriorate. Unfortunately, I think it was both of our faults but he is the one who won't try to fix the problems. I wish there was some way I could figure him out and know whats going on inside of his head.
    Ah, well I wish I'd known this before. I know how it is for a relationship to deteriorate into a very bad place.

    Have you tried giving him gifts, putting your best foot forward and when he's negative just responding positively? This is where tactics might be a good thing to learn. He'll respect you for it if you can get the hang of it.

    You just gotta look at it from a practical point of view. Go in knowing that he may pull out all stops, remember the type of things he's said before and just brace yourself for it all while deciding to be as sweet and endearing as possible. Do this a few times, and he just might turn around. (I'd say bring along chocolates and flowers, but of course he's not a girl. I'm sure you can think of something to replace those with.)

    If that doesn't work though, then it might just be time to bail. Regardless of how good of a guy he might be, you just shouldn't have to take that kind of emotional upset.
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  4. #34
    PEST that STEPs on PETS stellar renegade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeffster View Post
    All I'm saying is don't seriously make up your mind on whether to end a relationship based on what some random people say on an internet forum.
    Agreed. I'd hope nobody would lack the sense to take anything said over the internet with a grain of salt. I generally work from the assumption that they don't and just speak my mind figuring the other person knows their circumstances better than I do and is going to be skeptical anyway, but I forget that not everybody has as clear of a head as some of the more observant and earthy folks like we SPs (don't know how it works for SJs).

    Yeah, definitely don't end it JUST BECAUSE we say so; just take our ideas into account and weigh them seriously against your real-life circumstances. If it doesn't fit, just throw it out. Please. You'll be doing me more of a service that way.
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  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by stellar renegade View Post
    Agreed. I'd hope nobody would lack the sense to take anything said over the internet with a grain of salt. I generally work from the assumption that they don't and just speak my mind figuring the other person knows their circumstances better than I do and is going to be skeptical anyway, but I forget that not everybody has as clear of a head as some of the more observant and earthy folks like we SPs (don't know how it works for SJs).

    Yeah, definitely don't end it JUST BECAUSE we say so; just take our ideas into account and weigh them seriously against your real-life circumstances. If it doesn't fit, just throw it out. Please. You'll be doing me more of a service that way.
    Yeah, I am using all of the things that have been said as more of insight than actual advice. As an ISFJ, I absolutely need to think things through completely before I go ahead with it. And, I actually had a pretty nice talk with him last night about the way we've been acting. He said that sometimes I make him so mad that he just wants to make me feel bad, too. And he also told me that he gets upset a lot when I try to have a conversation with him and my information is all jumbled up and he doesn't follow it. And then I don't explain it well when he tries to get me to repeat what I said in a better way. The other thing was that I really did hurt him when everything began to deteriorate and he hasn't gotten over it. Oh and he said he doesn't think I open up to him about anything, even if he tries. He said "You are beautiful on the outside but when I try to get to know you, you just clam up. I want to see your inner beauty, too." aww how cute! We've been dating for about 15 months now and he still feels like I don't know him and he doesn't know me and he has to chase after me all the time. Which I guess is a good thing since ESTP's tend to not care about relationships? Is that right, y'all?

    Anyways, today was a better day though, so far. I think we reached an understanding for now about the way we've been treating each other. I'm going to try to open up more and he is going to try to stay calm when I have a hard time expressing myself. Does this sound reasonable to everyone? And any more ideas of things I can do to help this process along?

    OH, one more thing... I think I'm going to send him a love letter and a mixed CD in the mail of his favorite songs. We live about six hours away from each other so I think this would be a nice gesture on my part. I actually feel like I haven't realized how much he has tried to commit to me and I go off and do my own thing and expect him not to worry about me.

    Wow that was long. Sorry!!! But thank you for all the advice!! Keep it coming...

  6. #36
    PEST that STEPs on PETS stellar renegade's Avatar
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    Not much time since I need to get some good sleep today before work, but...
    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    Yeah, I am using all of the things that have been said as more of insight than actual advice. As an ISFJ, I absolutely need to think things through completely before I go ahead with it. And, I actually had a pretty nice talk with him last night about the way we've been acting. He said that sometimes I make him so mad that he just wants to make me feel bad, too. And he also told me that he gets upset a lot when I try to have a conversation with him and my information is all jumbled up and he doesn't follow it. And then I don't explain it well when he tries to get me to repeat what I said in a better way. The other thing was that I really did hurt him when everything began to deteriorate and he hasn't gotten over it. Oh and he said he doesn't think I open up to him about anything, even if he tries.
    That sounds about right. I'm friends with an ISFJ and she does tend to be like that alot. Although she opens up to me more than she does other people, she still keeps alot of her feelings to herself. It's much more of a healthy relationship now, though. But we did have our rocky roads!

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    He said "You are beautiful on the outside but when I try to get to know you, you just clam up. I want to see your inner beauty, too." aww how cute!
    Okay, I officially feel 100% better about this guy. No ESTP would ever come within 100 miles of saying anything about "inner beauty" unless he meant it. :eek: We avoid stupid mushy words like that like the plague. :yim_rolling_on_the_

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    We've been dating for about 15 months now and he still feels like I don't know him and he doesn't know me and he has to chase after me all the time. Which I guess is a good thing since ESTP's tend to not care about relationships? Is that right, y'all?
    Hmmm... not if it's a constant struggle like he's saying to get someone to open up and get some kind of reward from them. Yes, we enjoy the chase, but we absolutely hate spinning our tires in mud or ice at the same exact time. But don't lose hope, we also like a good complex mystery, too. Someone who continually unfolds more of their personality as time goes on or has something else to offer, because variety is the spice of life as far as we're concerned. So, yes and no. But make sure to reward him with substantial bits of yourself along the way and you should be good to go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    Anyways, today was a better day though, so far. I think we reached an understanding for now about the way we've been treating each other. I'm going to try to open up more and he is going to try to stay calm when I have a hard time expressing myself. Does this sound reasonable to everyone? And any more ideas of things I can do to help this process along?
    Yeah, but one thing I can give advice about being an ESTP myself is that you must try to be less ambiguous when you do open up. This is the major cause of his frustration, because my ISFJ friend will divulge her everyday trials (in detailed format, which I enjoy) but when she gets to spilling her emotions she's so vague that it's like braille sometimes trying to follow her. Try to tell him what event caused what emotions, if you can, and if you can't, just tell him what effect those emotions are having on you so he can give you some practical advice. Sometimes I just feel lost when she starts talking about that. If you can't, don't force it, but the best you can do is put a good effort forth; it's a simple principle, after all. We ESTPs are rooted in present reality and it seems that you SJs are just a tad bit more abstract than we SPs. We need something tangible that we can hold onto right now to relate to. Something we can help with.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    OH, one more thing... I think I'm going to send him a love letter and a mixed CD in the mail of his favorite songs. We live about six hours away from each other so I think this would be a nice gesture on my part. I actually feel like I haven't realized how much he has tried to commit to me and I go off and do my own thing and expect him not to worry about me.
    Excellent, that sounds extraordinary! Just make sure it's music he really likes! Just kidding, I know you have that covered.

    Now, it's funny because in my friendship I'm the one who tends to not worry about her and she was the one frustrated. But if I were going steady with a girl who wasn't worried about communication it would really super bother me. I want the attention all on me!!! We want our friends to give us enough space to do what we want (if they're not interested in doing it with us, their loss, we can always find someone else) but we want our girls doing those things with us, or at least talking to us if they're not around, y'know? You'd seem like a really strange ISFJ if it weren't for the obvious relationship struggles, you know that? haha I'd even question your type. No, but I get it.

    Also, it makes MUCH more sense that you guys were having such problems since there's a distance issue. Next time you might want to provide all this info from the outset. It's all good in the hood, though. haha.

    No worries, you guys should be good if you continue at this rate. Transparency is always healthy as fuck (sorry, have to be crass when I'm talking about this kind of shit )

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunni518 View Post
    Wow that was long. Sorry!!! But thank you for all the advice!! Keep it coming...
    hah, no prob babe!

    I'm lovin' it, gives me something to feel good about and a reason to shoot off about my personality type! If you ever need more help, just ask away! I await the opportunity!



    I just love the banana llama, donchuu?
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  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by stellar renegade View Post
    hah, no prob babe!

    I'm lovin' it, gives me something to feel good about and a reason to shoot off about my personality type! If you ever need more help, just ask away! I await the opportunity!



    I just love the banana llama, donchuu?

    Thank you sooo much!

  8. #38
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    and yes... the banana llama is pretty ballin' lol

  9. #39
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeffster View Post
    All I'm saying is don't seriously make up your mind on whether to end a relationship based on what some random people say on an internet forum.
    People pay hundreds of dollars for professional advice they don't listen to, so I doubt this is going to happen. People rarely follow advice. They ask and they usually do what they were going to do anyway.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #40
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Yeah this doesn't sound like a good relationship...
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