Let me play the role of devil's advocate, or maybe just be the devil.
This is all based on the female's account of the situation, correct? Makes a difference in interpretation. Technically, this is actually based on your account of someone else's account of a complex situation. Telephone, anyone?
"He won't tell her what the matter is, and keeps telling her - in spite of his describing her as smart, loving, loyal and giving - that she's trying to "manipulate" him."
- Maybe she has been told what the matter is, she just hasn't heard it.
- How did he describe these traits to her?
If it was something like:
"I really think you're a smart, loving... person, but just this one thing...sometimes I feel you're manipulating me" it's an entirely different scenario than
"I think you're smart." *Conversation carries on, quickly hostile* "...stop manipulating me you bitch."
He might be trying to explain something. Due to S-N divide it might be something that is in his body language/tone/context but isn't getting across. Personal experience with ESFPs: it won't be explicitly stated verbally to your face if it could be a point of contention. ENTJ isn't a type that would understand that well. Need to look for changes in tone as they relate to context to understand SFP unspoken desires.
- He might be using 'manipulation' as cop-out. He might just feel bad about something else entirely and is telling her he feels manipulated but really doesn't...it's just something he considers to be a bad thing and is telling her that to let her know he feels shitty. That isn't productive but we're dealing with a mere mortal here, not a computer.
- Is he just saying he's being manipulated in general? Anything specific? Are you (Pink) leaving out detail for the sake of privacy? Is she? What he feels manipulated about is probably an important point to consider.
"He has a bad past history with women trying to do this to him, and ENTJ feels this is being projected onto her."
- according to?
- manipulate him in general or in one specific instance/area?
- could be projected, could be denial. Please pick a poison.
- "She says he won't listen to her, tell her what the matter is, is making wild connections between things that aren't related, and is pulling back from her for reasons she can't fathom."
- maybe things are clearly connected but she just fails to (or refuses to) see the connection
- maybe he's scatterbrained and anxious
- connection to "is she listening?" suggested above
- maybe he's afraid of commitment or other reasons listed in other posts
"ESFPs, she wanted your opinions as to how to handle this because she loves him and wants this to stop - her fault or not, she doesn't care. She feels like she can't reach the rational part of him and is very worried."
What a sterling individual.
- maybe she's just "wants things to be alright" which means she's trying to make herself look good.
- maybe he's a total fool
- maybe she's afraid to connect to his emotional side and thus demands that the "rational part of him" is the channel of communication
-maybe he's afraid to connect to her rational side and thus demands that the "emotional part of her" is the channel of communication.
- maybe she's worried cause he's really good looking and has a cute butt and she's not prone to finding another guy like him
which is a sarcastic way to say...
what is she worried about?
I have a great idea. It's a mat, like twister. On it are conclusions. Jump on it.