[ISFP] ISFP confuses me-- shed some light?

[markscol]

What do you have to do to REALLY break through to the ISFP?

I have an ISFP friend who is a really amazing person, but i think majorly depressed. She has these depths that she keeps to herself, yet she sheds enough light on them that sends me the message that she is just dying to break free, dying for something to discover her. Yet, I sense that she consistently cocoons herself and pulls away, or at least keeps to herself too much to ever establish something really substantial. I know her self-esteem is not the highest.

I can't help but be drawn to her, though. She is really unique and beautiful, i just wish she could see what i see. I have offered my unconditional affection. I dont think she is the best at expressing, or at lesat doesnt always feel comfortable. But how can you tell you are appreciated by an ISFP? We go on random adventures, and have interesting talk..where i know she opens up. I just wish she knew how i felt. I have strong feelings, even some romantic, but i can never tell if they are reciprocated. I get mixed messages, which could be a symptom of her own internal back and forths. I wish i could tell her how i feel, but i am afraid this would push her away..... anyways, how do you know if an ISFP likes you, especially when they are guarded, and inhibited quite often?

...their elusive mysteriousness-- so torturing! such a masochist i am..hehe

 

[wolfy]

If she goes on adventures with you she probably likes you. Tell her.

 

[Kingfisher]

i agree with wolfy. tell her how you feel, or show her.
i am not one to express emotion openly, so i guess this is a case of do as i say not as i do. but if you have strong feelings you should tell her.

 

[markscol]

do ISFP tend to be depressed in your opinion?


Went out again tonight..and it just seemed as though from the get-go, the beginning she was defeated. easily irratable.... i can never feel consistent, because she changes like the weather...

 

[Quinlan]

do ISFP tend to be depressed in your opinion?


Went out again tonight..and it just seemed as though from the get-go, the beginning she was defeated. easily irratable.... i can never feel consistent, because she changes like the weather...

I don't think we tend towards depression any more than other types, I think maybe sometimes we can seem depressed/down/blue when we're actually perfectly content inside.

 

[INTPness]

When I first started dating my ISFP, I couldn't read her to save my life. I never knew how she was feeling or what was going on in her head. In time, I discovered that if she's smiling, she's happy. She just simply wants to have fun. Things that make her unhappy are usually when she has a really busy day full of responsibilities (a lot on her plate), or any type of discussion that points out any flaws in her whatsoever (criticism). She just wants to have fun and keep things light, for the most part.

Before I started dating an ISFP, I heard that, generally speaking, they need to hear reaffirming words and they love affection. This has definitely held true with my ISFP. When you're doing activities that are fun for her, she should be happy. When things start to get heavy (whether in conversation or work, etc.), they may get depressed and feel overwhelmed/frustrated.

Remember, P's like to play first and work later, while J's like to work first and play later. Also, I read this somewhere (maybe on this site or another site):

SJ's are primarily looking for a "help mate" in life
SP's are primarily looking for a "play mate" in life
NF's are primarily looking for a "soul mate"
NT's are primarily looking for a "mind mate"

I found that this fit very well with my ISFP. I told her that if humans were a bunch of rabbits interacting in an open field, I'd be one of the few rabbits with bifocals and a book. Only occasionally would I look up from my book to see what the other rabbits were doing, and even then I'd be observing the other rabbits from a distance. She'd be the rabbit bouncing around all day looking for something really fun to do, even it meant getting in trouble at times - as long as it didn't involve too much work. SJ's would be digging holes, and diligently gathering food. NF's would be batting their eyelashes and admiring the beauty of their surroundings.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

The ISFP in my life lets me know she's happy by involving me in whatever she loves. If she looks at your and you see happiness in her eyes when she's doing something she enjoys, you're good. Enjoy recreation together...fun time together (without any too direct, serious topics) is being serious to an ISFP. That's loving someone, for them. They're not being avoidant; they're engaging you! "I like you, so let's play!"

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I don't think we tend towards depression any more than other types, I think maybe sometimes we can seem depressed/down/blue when we're actually perfectly content inside.

Yep!

 

[INTPatricia]

ISFPs Just Want to be Tuned Into

My ISFP friend seemed so greatful that I "took the time to get to know" him (in his words). He seemed astonished that I focused so much attention solely upon him...learning his type, about his family, his preferences, etc.

Truth be known, being an NT, I just couldn't stand the thought of not knowing his "type" and I also had to know his "birth order" and this other book I have on the "Five Love Languages"...not to mention, he had driven hours to help me pack up for a pending move and I was frantic to do anything to avoid 3Dimentional Actual Reality-based W O R K (a four-letter word). So, every time I found a good book (and there were thousands of them), instead of sorting and packing it, I would clear bubble wrap from the sofa and plop down, eagerly reading out "test questions" until I had him pegged. He loved it! However, he managed to stay on task and got me packed up while I cooked, fed him, read aloud, enthusiastically psychotherapized him, made a few executive decisions about the packing, and napped intermittently...all in a hard day's work for an INTP...it is tough being us. (oh, yeah...and he did the dishes...what's not to love?)

Anyway...after the weekend, and his long drive home, he emailed that he "was smitten"...and that he appreciated the time I took to get to know him...I raved about his packing up my entire condo and garage for the movers...he hardly noticed that, BUT APPRECIATED MY SPECIFIC THANKS...he, in turn, raved about my home-cooked meals and hospitality...wow...it takes so little to make an ISFP feel loved...but those are the things I naturally provide...and the services he provides, those are things I am incapable of...he is a steady, sweet, non-threatening, reliable functioning human being...something I have never been accused of being. I don't think ISFPs crave attention, I think they are deprived it. So, just turn off the music, the television, your cellphone and listen...ask probing questions...dig deep...discover the treasures...give the ISFP the Quality 1:1 attention that they won't claim for themselves.

 

[Jeffster]

My ISFP friend seemed so greatful that I "took the time to get to know" him (in his words). He seemed astonished that I focused so much attention solely upon him...learning his type, about his family, his preferences, etc.

Truth be known, being an NT, I just couldn't stand the thought of not knowing his "type" and I also had to know his "birth order" and this other book I have on the "Five Love Languages"...not to mention, he had driven hours to help me pack up for a pending move and I was frantic to do anything to avoid 3Dimentional Actual Reality-based W O R K (a four-letter word). So, every time I found a good book (and there were thousands of them), instead of sorting and packing it, I would clear bubble wrap from the sofa and plop down, eagerly reading out "test questions" until I had him pegged. He loved it! However, he managed to stay on task and got me packed up while I cooked, fed him, read aloud, enthusiastically psychotherapized him, made a few executive decisions about the packing, and napped intermittently...all in a hard day's work for an INTP...it is tough being us. (oh, yeah...and he did the dishes...what's not to love?)

Anyway...after the weekend, and his long drive home, he emailed that he "was smitten"...and that he appreciated the time I took to get to know him...I raved about his packing up my entire condo and garage for the movers...he hardly noticed that, BUT APPRECIATED MY SPECIFIC THANKS...he, in turn, raved about my home-cooked meals and hospitality...wow...it takes so little to make an ISFP feel loved...but those are the things I naturally provide...and the services he provides, those are things I am incapable of...he is a steady, sweet, non-threatening, reliable functioning human being...something I have never been accused of being. I don't think ISFPs crave attention, I think they are deprived it. So, just turn off the music, the television, your cellphone and listen...ask probing questions...dig deep...discover the treasures...give the ISFP the Quality 1:1 attention that they won't claim for themselves.

 

[Julie1962]

What do you have to do to REALLY break through to the ISFP?

anyways, how do you know if an ISFP likes you, especially when they are guarded, and inhibited quite often?

...their elusive mysteriousness-- so torturing! such a masochist i am..hehe

Do you ever communicate by email with her? I find that I express my inner feelings through email much better than in person. I let it all out when I can type, edit, re-type and get out exactly how I feel. I'm very closed mouth in person.

Just the fact that she spends time with you would be an indicator that she likes you. I don't spend time with people I don't like, esp. men.

What type are you, btw? When my husband (ENFJ) and I were dating, he expressed that he was falling in love with me within a month. Not good. Scared the crap out of me. So if you push it, she may not know how she feels and bolt. Iv'e done that in the past, but's that me.

Good luck! I hope it works out.

 

[markscol]

I am an ISTP, however (and i am not sure this makes a difference( i am within 10% of the IST part of my "type"....so many of the descriptions are dead on while many are a little off. Also, not sure if this matters either, but i am female, so the description about not expressing myself etc. is not really true. I am actually one of the most candid people i know. And have heard from several people that this is a refreshing part of my personality.

Julie--actually, we communicate ALL the time through e-mail. This is where we have had some of our most intense conversations..through e-mail. I don't think i push it with her, however, i am very open about showing my affection (buying random things, letting her know what's on my mind regarding something i like about her, or something she has done...) She sometimes has a tendency to be down on herself, or aloof to certain things....when i ask simple questions like "how are you" through text, she once said "thanks for asking"...so i know she appreciates the little things. She once told me she didn't usually "hang out" with people, but she liked "hanging out with me." She has also called me cute before....and i didn't know whether she meant like a teddy bear or what. We have a good balance between being serious and being REALLY silly. Of c ourse i love the silly moments, but i also know she has had a rough home life...and i think she continues to deal with them to this day. We have similar backgrounds, so i always thought it was a good thing that i could show her attention on this topic without coming off as threatening or judgmental. And she usuallly tries to answer my questions/ open up. I am always encouraging her to appreciate her emotions and to never shy away from things...telling her i'm "always here." Even though she doesn't always take me up on it, i continue to do it unconditionally in a way, because i think that is what she needs--someone who is consistent despite her inconsistency.

i guess i know she appreciates me..she tells me she adores me, has serious affection. My confusion comes in with what type of affection is it exactly? Is it strictly platonic? Is it somewhat romantic? too hard to tell...although i heard with her last girlfriend things went at a VERY SLOW pace..so perhaps i just should make a move and see how it goes! I once held her hand and she gave me this almost scared puppy dog look at first! but she didn't pull away...soooo... hmm. The nerves that come with the unknown! ha!

 

[Quinlan]

Romantically ISFPs (speaking for myself here) can be a bit complacent, we are mostly responders and go with the flow so much that things sometimes move slowly. From what you have said I think it is worth making a move.

 

[markscol]

Yeah, that is the sense i get as well. What are little things that make you go wild, or take a step back and say "wow, this is an amazing individual.' ANd not necessarily in the romantic sense but in just a person sense.

I know i really appreciate a person who is genuine. Even if i dont agree with everything that comes out of their mouths, if i feel that a person is passionate or really genuine and has good intentions..i think this makes me feel refreshed. Also, an interest in people is attractive. Too many people are enrapped in their own issues, it's nice to see people who are actually emotionallly available.

 

[heart]

Find ways to engage her Se that are playful, comforting and fun. This should make it easier for her to extravert out anything that she wants to share.

 

[markscol]

how true?

"The ISFP in a Crystal Ball"

Real and enduring self-seteem for ISFPs comes from feeling consistent and unfailing love, support, and understanding from the people they care about. Since they give their love so completely to others, it is imperative that their trust never be violated and their need for affection and physical closeness always be respected and reciprocated. ISFPs need to be told and shown that their values and feelings are legitimate and that the people they love return their love in spite of the roller coaster of emotions they are often riding. Actions speak much louder than words to these children. Unwavering acceptance of the child, regardless of the behavior, helps ISFPs learn to see themselves as capable and in control of their emotions. Teaching ISFPs to courageously communicate their opinions and beliefs even in the face of criticism, negativity, skepticism, or direct confrontation helps them develop faith in themselves.

At their best, ISFPs are deeply faithful, loyal, and compassionate people with strong convictions and great empathy. They are practical, realistic, and great immediate short-term problem solvers who are willing to spring into action to help others in real and tangible ways. With support and encouragement, ISFPs can grow up to trust their inner voice and confidently live the quiet and modest life they are drawn to. Parents who encourage their ISFPs to look inward for confirmation and balance and teach them how to ignore the sometimes corrosive and contradictory messages of the world around them give their ISFPs the lifelong treasure that is the gift of self-acceptance.

 

[Julie1962]

how true?

"The ISFP in a Crystal Ball"

Since they give their love so completely to others, it is imperative that their trust never be violated and their need for affection and physical closeness always be respected and reciprocated. ISFPs need to be told and shown that their values and feelings are legitimate and that the people they love return their love in spite of the roller coaster of emotions they are often riding. Actions speak much louder than words to these children. .

Wow .. this explains why my marriage is so on the rocks! My ENFJ husband does not respect my values and feelings as well as opinions. Plus .. understandly he doesn't enjoy my roller coaster of emotions.

 

[Julie1962]

do ISFP tend to be depressed in your opinion?


...

I've struggled with depression for 30 years mostly in the winter. But I have strong feelings and if I don't express them, I get very pessimistic and severely depressed.

In fact, I've been seriously depressed the last few months and went to doctor's today and was put on anti-depressants. I have a stressful life but I'd say that being a housewife is the biggest culprit. I am a stay home mom and I use to have an active social life with other moms. But within the year they all returned to work and I've been isolated. Making new friends is never easy. I returned to college but I am a mature woman among 20 year olds who want nothing to do with me. I find the internet helpful to a certain extent.

Anyway ... I don't know about others, but I know I struggle with depression.

 

[Julie1962]

I am an ISTP, however (and i am not sure this makes a difference( i am within 10% of the IST part of my "type"....so many of the descriptions are dead on while many are a little off. Also, not sure if this matters either, but i am female, so the description about not expressing myself etc. is not really true. I am actually one of the most candid people i know. And have heard from several people that this is a refreshing part of my personality.

Julie--actually, we communicate ALL the time through e-mail. This is where we have had some of our most intense conversations..through e-mail. I don't think i push it with her, however, i am very open about showing my affection (buying random things, letting her know what's on my mind regarding something i like about her, or something she has done...) She sometimes has a tendency to be down on herself, or aloof to certain things....when i ask simple questions like "how are you" through text, she once said "thanks for asking"...so i know she appreciates the little things. She once told me she didn't usually "hang out" with people, but she liked "hanging out with me." She has also called me cute before....and i didn't know whether she meant like a teddy bear or what. We have a good balance between being serious and being REALLY silly. Of c ourse i love the silly moments, but i also know she has had a rough home life...and i think she continues to deal with them to this day. We have similar backgrounds, so i always thought it was a good thing that i could show her attention on this topic without coming off as threatening or judgmental. And she usuallly tries to answer my questions/ open up. I am always encouraging her to appreciate her emotions and to never shy away from things...telling her i'm "always here." Even though she doesn't always take me up on it, i continue to do it unconditionally in a way, because i think that is what she needs--someone who is consistent despite her inconsistency.

i guess i know she appreciates me..she tells me she adores me, has serious affection. My confusion comes in with what type of affection is it exactly? Is it strictly platonic? Is it somewhat romantic? too hard to tell...although i heard with her last girlfriend things went at a VERY SLOW pace..so perhaps i just should make a move and see how it goes! I once held her hand and she gave me this almost scared puppy dog look at first! but she didn't pull away...soooo... hmm. The nerves that come with the unknown! ha!

I'm not sure what to say. It sounds all good but here you are looking for answers. You have to look to her ad just come out and ask her. Don't prolong your agony. : ) I have been married forever .. so I don't remember how I was in the falling in love stage. All I know is that fear of him finding out who I really was .. was always on my mind. He was an ENFJ and very charistmatic and successful. I remember questioning why he would fall in love with me. I came from a bad home situation as well, unlike him. He fell in love with me in a month and asked to marry me with in 5 months. We got married 8 months later and have been married 23 years. While we have had our ups and downs, it was a pretty good marriage until the past few years. Anyway ... I'm getting ahead of you. You'll never know if you don't ask.

 

[Icefire]

Yes just like any other human on this planet ISFP can get depressed depending on whats going on in the home or maybe being forced or pushed too do something crazy like meet a deadline on a paper on time or if like me have a husband whos pushy and when you pretty much say screw you do it your self or I don't want too, then give the ISFP a guilt trip bc they didn't get their way and are experts at manipulating then yea after years and years of a free spirit becomes a dead spirit. Go take that girl to the club or something, buy her a camera but a REALLY nice one so she can express herself of what she believes is beauty. Also reality check us girls mostly feel insecure so yea give her small compliments lots of them. But don't suffocate her with it either, she might think your just trying to get laid. I personally rather see love when its expressed by doing something nice, not I love you's or miss you 3-4 times a day, although I enjoyed it in the dating stage but the marriage life... yup not gonna cut it!!!