[ESFP] Motivating an ESFP - is it possible?

[Unique]

I can understand where you are coming from but spreadsheets? Surely any perceiving type will laugh at you and say "I have a memory you know".

It's like telling a perceiver to have a diary/planner

I agree with the princible but you would be going about it all wrong, adhere to his strengths not his weeknesses

 

[alicia91]

Perhaps you can help him by helping him discover his passion and help him build a career of it? In addition, I would set some very firm guidelines and basically say 'you have two choices, you can either enrol in college full-time or you can live at home for 6 months while you save some money for first and last month's rent on a place of your own. We love you and support you but you are an adult now, this home was where we raised you but since you are done being raised - the time has come for you to leave the nest.'

Hopefully he will choose to go to school. Even though I'm SP I firmly believe that getting a good education is key these days to living the life you want. Personally I need the security of a steady income to allow me to 'play.' So many SPs I know have low-end jobs with no security and are forever job hopping and don't actually end up getting to do what they want - which are often expensive hobbies.

 

[Udog]

I can understand where you are coming from but spreadsheets? Surely any perceiving type will laugh at you and say "I have a memory you know".

All I meant was to compile all the bills into a spreadsheet and show him that, instead of going over each bill individually. It was actually meant to save his time by getting straight to the bottom line.

 

[iwakar]

My son is 20 and ESFP (E to the maximum). Intelligent, and has no plans or direction for his life yet. Has spent the last year working part-time and playing video games. Is procrastinating about even getting his driver's licence. (I'm basically going to have to set a deadline now, saying that I won't drive him anywhere save for emergencies. We paid for driving lessons but he hasn't got around to taking the test.)

He's not motivated by material gain, how people view him or social status (which is cool.) Likes to have fun (basically.) But at some point he needs to go to school and do ... something with his life. Is there anything that I can do to help facilitate his decision-making? Ummm, I ask this even though nothing I have ever tried historically (all through high school, positive or negative) made much difference.

SP's, would appreciate your advice here. What did you need from your Mom & Dad to help you focus on planning? I often think I in particular facilitate his procrastination by being too "nice" and helpful.

You just described my ESFP ex-fiance word for word. I never figured out what motivated him, nor did his parents.

His ESTP father just left him to his own devices thinking he'd sort things out on his own as he had. His SJ mother brought the hammer down again and again only to alienate him entirely. I cannot suggest an approach, but I can discourage those two approaches.

 

[Udog]

His ESTP father just left him to his own devices thinking he'd sort things out on his own as he had. His SJ mother brought the hammer down again and again only to alienate him entirely. I cannot suggest an approach, but I can discourage those two approaches.

Even though the types of my friend's parents were different, this is exactly how it played out with my friend's brother. ESFP mom tried to let him do his own thing, until xNTJ father finally started having enough when he was 26 and no closer to moving out. After 2 years of almost daily arguments, the son finally moved out at 28, with the relationship severely damaged.

My advice might be full of it, but surely it's better than those two approaches.

Oh, and the parents had plenty of empty threats in the process. Empty threats are a third technique I would discourage. Either don't do anything, or follow through.

 

[defragmybrain]

Finding out what inspires him is realy the key i think.
There isn't any thing better than figuring out how you can relate to him. ESFP's love being pumped up about what THEY are interested in. Once you find that up beat energy, suggest ways to utilize them in the real world, but don't enforce them.

 

[Unique]

Agreed, the key is getting an ESFP excited about something

 

[thisGuy]

tough love...i think having that talk with him where you tell him how disappointing you are in him might get the ball rolling

 

[Udog]

Agreed, the key is getting an ESFP excited about something

How do you get an ESFP excited about something if they are already pretty happy with their life?

 

[iwakar]

We must trickz them my precioussss!

 

[Udog]

What we need is a few good taters.

 

[defragmybrain]

How do you get an ESFP excited about something if they are already pretty happy with their life?

i think a better term is 'content' with their lives. Nobody is ultimately happy, there are always some small inconveniences in daily life that bother us.
If the guy likes video games,
man there are billions of indirectly related jobs that he could pick up, eventually.

I'm VERY happy with my life right now, but there are plenty of things to get me excited about when i'm out there getting a taste of it: figure drawing on an idle sunday morning, etc. Mmmm.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I'll preface this by saying I adore my ESFP sister & I think she is brilliant, but my parents did her NO favors by coddling her. She's 30, still lives at home & is jobless. Granted, she has mental health issues now, but nothing so debilitating she could not have become independent in the past or be working towards it now. Right now, she is waiting on government money to finish her schooling. All the years she worked & she never saved a dime, but blew it on partying & clothes. She could have finished school by now & be on her own if she'd had any self-discipline.

She has also never fully bought her own car - someone always pays the down payment at least. She has never paid rent. She has never held a job for more than 2 years. She dropped out of college and never repaid the debt she owed. She has borrowed money from friends/family & never paid it back. Now that she has nothing, her friends pay for her to socialize because they love her so much & she is so much "fun". :rolli:

My mom has always said she thinks my sister will never move out unless she marries someone who can take care of her (god help that man). She is simply incapable of being financially independent & responsible. She doesn't connect how her actions affect her family & the people around her either. She's been a huge financial burden on everyone. She wants adult freedom, but not adult responsibility.

The ESFP needs to realize that their happiness & fun is not the only issue. Their decisions affect other people, people they care about, and they need to stop being selfish & grow up.

The point of my little rant here is a warning, that's all. I have an ESFP friend who is similarly dependent on everyone around her & irresponsible in many ways. I'll spare you that drama....

I think with ESFP children, you gotta throw them out to sink or swim. Most will swim, because most people are capable of independence, IMO. If they sink badly, then you can scoop them as any caring family would, but not to the point of shouldering all responsibility again. As mentioned, REAL consequences have to be implemented, and that may mean seeing your little baby hurting (something my mom cannot deal with...).

 

[PeaceBaby]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and feedback. It is appreciated.

I think I will set some inspirational limits ... and continue to try to engage his natural enthusiasm.

I'll update the thread from time to time. I think the first is a driver's licence timeline. Get licence by 1 August. Or momma's not drivin'.

 

[Udog]

I think that's a wonderful first step. Good luck - just remember the follow through if he decides to test you!

 

[ColonelGadaafi]

I think that's a wonderful first step. Good luck - just remember the follow through if he decides to test you!

Yes... be rash aswell and dont back down. Search for your inner ISTJ, and stand firm on the battle of wills.

 

[mortabunt]

OP, point a gun at them. I also second Orange Appled's decision. That's how you use your T!

 

[PeaceBaby]

UPDATE: ESFP son got driver's licence yesterday. Took 4 months of having no one to drive him, aside from having to pay for a cab.

But he did it, and passed. Yay!

 

[Jeffster]

UPDATE: ESFP son got driver's licence yesterday. Took 4 months of having no one to drive him, aside from having to pay for a cab.

But he did it, and passed. Yay!

Yay! Now get ready for him often taking off driving and not coming back for awhile.

 

[Totenkindly]

UPDATE: ESFP son got driver's licence yesterday. Took 4 months of having no one to drive him, aside from having to pay for a cab. But he did it, and passed. Yay!

yay!

The only way I've found to motivate my ESFP kid is to offer him something he wants and that isn't some vague abstract goal to him.

... usually, it's money.