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  1. #1
    Junior Member MissxMassacre's Avatar
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    Default A friend of mine (ENFP) needs advice

    Hi everyone

    One of my friends, an ENFP, needs some advice. She's in love with an ISFP for almost 5 years now. It all started with he was one of the three guys she liked. But now he's pretty much the one to her.

    She's not very liked at school, and she doesn't like these people. So she's pretty much a loner because romance and silly stuff isn't liked at her school. Whenever someone says something bad about her ISFP, she loses her respect for that person and chooses not to talk to them anymore. Friends that say bad things about the ISFP in question get dumped for it. They usualy don't know why the ENFP is dumping them and then they assume that she probably has autism.

    There's also this mutual hate between his friends and her, because she thinks they're boring and they don't like her because they barely know her or these who know her somewhat better think she's schizophrenic. Also he's one of the reasons why she doesn't befriend anyone at school.

    When she was about to switch schools she didn't cry, but she feared she would never see him again. But later she heard it wasn't happening so she was pretty relieved. A half year later she heard he was crying in class, without anyone knew why, she had sleeping problems for a few weeks. He also causes her moodswings, if he smiles, her day is perfect. When she doesn't see him for a long time, she cries.

    Once she also bought him a quite expensive watch, but it wasn't always the right time to give it him but she is planning to give it to him on his gradutation ceremony. That's how a package with a necklace and perfume to him was made, she delivered it in the middle of the night, not telling it's her. She did an action like this before, she stole his school library card and gave it back a few days after in the middle of the night as well because she felt guilty. Because he never greets her when she says hi but he just stares and she didn't want to him going to the school party as punishment.

    He's almost on the point of gradutation and she has still one year, and she's completely hopeless on this situation. She would like to have help on this situation.

    Thanks for reading.
    Just a dying faith on heaven's gate.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    This might be more appropriate in the relationship thread, but that seems like quite a heavy case of infatuation, some would even deem obsession. I'm not sure it's a wise idea that this ISFP finds out that she has been crushing on him for that long, and that his actions have such a huge impact on her. It's quite a responsability...

    Regardless what's the interaction between these two people like? Does she actually know what the ISFP is like or is this from an idealistic NF distance perspective? Eitherway I'd have thought the quickest solution would to be actually get to know the person if that step hasn't been taken after 5 years.

  3. #3
    Junior Member MissxMassacre's Avatar
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    Thanks for your advice. But let me explain this situation with more depth.

    She actually hasn't spoken to him for almost 3 years. She tries to talk to him after that last time, but he's so sucked up in his own mind that he dosn't notice, so she gave it up. When she greets him, he just stares back. Even though the ENFP is in love with him, she finds it really annoying and she wishes he at least just answered for once. Before thar last conversation, they didn't really talk a lot to each other, but that was because she was really shy and depressed. But they sometimes had a nice laugh together. The ISFP was always nice to her and she felt he really ment it (he was the only person back then), and that was one of the reasons why she stayed in love with him for such a long time.

    About that idealistic thing: she did know him quite well, even though she didn't talk to him that much. Whenever she heard him talking to others she listened to everything he said and she remembers most of those things pretty well. She knows that he isn't perfect. When you ask her if there is anything bad about "her" ISFP, she can give you a long long LONG list with things that aren't good about
    him. But she doesn't really mind most of the things (him having boring friends and being too laid back and being satisfied to easily). But if there is anything bad about him that he wants to get rid off (like his low self-esteem) then she would really like to help. He just should let her try to help.

    This love thing started really slowly. At first she just thought he was cute. When he got a girlfriend a month later, she just wanted to make them break up and become his girlfriend for prestige. After that it became some kind of pressure like "OMG I'm almost turning 14 and I haven't had my first kiss and when I don't get my first kiss before I'm 14 I'm a loser and then everyone will start teasing me and then I'll never get a boyfriend whoohoohoo!". When she was 14 she became depressed and, just like I said, he was the only person who was really nice to her and who meant it. He didn't treat het like a mental retard or a psychopath.

    He just treated her like everybody else. At first she didn't realize. After a while the depression came to an end and then someone she knew killed himself. It was a year later and she was still in that "OMG I still haven't got my first kiss and now I'm a loser and blablabla"-fase, but a week after that suicide she realized that that kid it could have been her. So she started to search for the reason why she was still alive and what made her not want to kill herself and she realized it was the ISFP who was the only person who didn't treat her like a psychopath of a mental retard. She has told me that she doesn't feel that physical attraction towards him anymore like she did in the beginning. "That feeling that I got every time I saw him, like I wanted to throw up, that's totally gone. I just want him to be happy now. And I don't want to miss him." Like It told you before: when she was supposed to switch schools she didn't care about the fact she wouldn't see him anymore at all. A few months later she got sleeping problems when she heard that he cried in class. She thinks she still exists because of him. Can't tell you for sure if it really is that way.
    Just a dying faith on heaven's gate.

  4. #4
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissxMassacre View Post
    Thanks for your advice. But let me explain this situation with more depth.

    She actually hasn't spoken to him for almost 3 years. She tries to talk to him after that last time, but he's so sucked up in his own mind that he dosn't notice, so she gave it up. When she greets him, he just stares back. Even though the ENFP is in love with him, she finds it really annoying and she wishes he at least just answered for once. Before thar last conversation, they didn't really talk a lot to each other, but that was because she was really shy and depressed. But they sometimes had a nice laugh together. The ISFP was always nice to her and she felt he really ment it (he was the only person back then), and that was one of the reasons why she stayed in love with him for such a long time.
    He doesn't like you her. It happens. Now stop creeping him, get over it, and move on with your life. Or if you have to, ask him out and go from there. (Semi?)-stalking him won't get you anywhere positive. There's a lot more to life than high school, thank god. Get some hobbies or something, and meet new people. If people don't like you, find out why and change it if it's negative.

    Has your friend talked to the school counsellor about it? Because I really, really think she should.
    -end of thread-

  5. #5
    Junior Member MissxMassacre's Avatar
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    Well, that's just one of the problems with this ISFP which our ENFP is aware of: he totally lacks social skills. He ignores most people he knows. He only greets old friends of his if they punch him. Even then he just giggles. When he just met someone, he greets them everytime he sees them for like a month, but when that month is over, he ignores them again.

    If he hates someone he just looks at that person very angrily. In fact: he never greets anybody. When he sees a friend somewhere, he just walks over to them and talks to them without even saying "hi". To be more specific: the ISFP stares at the ENFP when he meets her at school, when they meet outside of school he just smiles and then he starts touching his hair. Yes, he is a weirdo.

    He doesn't even really know how to handle his friends. He usually does crazy things to them which they don't appreciate (if I told you the things he did, you wouldn't believe me) and he loses most of his friends after 2 years.

    About our ENFP: she's just as crazy as the ISFP is. She's paranoid and never speaks her mind. She also thinks that everybody hates her. I know it sounds crazy, but the ISFP is one of the few people of who she
    doesn't know whether they like her of not. She did get a social skill training two and a half years ago, because she was so shy. It didn't work at all, but that shyness disappeared when her depression got cured. She loves doing things outside school and she regulary joins theater projects. But until this day she never found anyone who she could admire the way she admired the ISFP.

    When another guy likes her, she rejects him for the fact that he isn't as perfect as the ISFP. She truly got blinded by love. She doesn't even see how crazy she acts because of him. Sometimes I'm just scared that she will hurt herself when the ISFP leaves the school. She is a real emotional wreck and I know she doesn't trust the school counseller anymore. That's because the counseller refuse to help her when she was depressed.

    Well, psycho + psycho = perfect match? However, I don't know who is the craziest, but who knows, maybe they can help each other become more normal?
    Just a dying faith on heaven's gate.

  6. #6
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i can't read much more then that sorry just read the op...but girl sounds off balance...she needs to really snap out of it...it doesn't sound even a lil bit healthy...she needs to gain some self confidence...makes me wish i was there to tell her what's up. i don't know how to tell you to do it..just do it though...be blunt tell her she's lost her friggin mind...tell her this enfp said so..
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  7. #7
    Junior Member MissxMassacre's Avatar
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    I just told her what you huys said. The ENFP admits that she is psychologicially damaged by the depression. She says that the time that she was depressed was just like she would have had cancer: when she finally cured herself from the depression itself (nobody wanted to help her), it still wasnt really over. Someone who just had cancer got skinnier, weaker, sometimes even bald.

    Our ENFP got paranoid her mind became a giant mess, she started seeing and thinking things that werent real, she even became a bit avoidant. She has asked for psychiatrical help, because she wanted someone to fix her mind, but the psychiatrists refused to help her because she would have been just an average adolescent with average problems that everyone has. The only advice they gave her: Get a job. And that didnt help at all.

    Right now she seems to think that the ISFP is her only hope (because he was the only one who treated her like a normal person). She decided to become a psychiatrist herself, so nobody would ever have to go through something like what shes been through and so nobody will ever get so damaged as she is.
    Just a dying faith on heaven's gate.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    She doesn't need to go to a psychiatrist. She needs to see a psychologist. Does the school not provide aid like that? I'd say the whole thing is pretty serious if she views this person as her lifeline and I'd think it's pretty damn irresponsible of the school, if suicidal thoughts can/have been entertained.

    Either way I think she's going about it the wrong way by viewing herself as permenantly damaged by depression. She'll have to sort herself out before any possible relationship. Frankly two unhealthy individuals in a relationship does not work, it'll just produce an unhealthy relationship. It honestly doesn't help that you as a friend view her as slightly psychopathetic as well >.<'

    What the hell. The school sounds really sort of messed up. =/
    At first I thought you were talking about Katlina but she doesn't seem that messed up psychologically. Must be a different person.

  9. #9
    Dali
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    God, deja vu.

    I had a female ENFP friend fall in love with me too. Unfortunately, she fell in love with an idealised version of me and ascribed values to me that I did not have. She's also an extremely sensitive, extremely conflicted person and describes herself (aptly) as a bubble trapped in a human body. The difference with your friend is that she's incredibly popular and can get any guy she wants (I've noticed guys get starry-eyed after just half an hour of talking to her) but she's adamant that what she wants is (an idealised version of) me. She trusts me completely and we're really close friends and, if I was a different sort of guy, I might have taken advantage of her long ago.

    What's helped her 'get over' her crush was advice from a mutual INFJ friend and an indication from myself that all I wanted was to be friends. It's great that you're there for your friend and I shall also join the chorus suggesting you get her into counseling.

  10. #10
    Dali
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I'd think it's pretty damn irresponsible of the school, if suicidal thoughts can/have been entertained.
    I disagree; teachers are not substitutes for parents.

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