• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ESFP] Fallen for an ISFP beauty

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
I’m an INTP, and I’ve fallen for an ISFP girl. We were friends first, but then she came after me pretty hard, but I was oblivious to her overt flirting. Eventually, I figured it out and pursued her, but by then she had moved on.

Ever since then, we’ve been hot and cold. It seems like we’re going to start dating, but then we don’t. I get mixed signals from her (not that I’m good at reading signals). One moment it seems like she’s totally in love with me and I start planning on taking it to the next level, but then the next time I see her she’s cold and aloof.

I care about her immensely. We’ve become pretty good friends thus far, spending hours on the phone together, but I can’t tell if she wants more or will ever want more. We’ve hung out a few times, and she’s always laughing at everything I say and continually saying that we need to hang out again soon. She has completely opened up to me, and I catch her staring at me sometimes, beaming with a huge smile like I’m the best thing that ever happened to her. But after we say goodbye, she never calls or texts me. I always have to initiate, but when I do, she generally gets back to me quickly.

I can’t tell if I’m only a friend to her or if she’s just taking it slow and is worried about me hurting her because I think I give off mixed signals too. I'm not really pursuing her very strongly despite my feelings. (I'm worried about suffocating her.) Plus, I often come off as aloof too. I’m an INTP, so I’m not good at showing my affections. I haven’t even tried to hug her. If she was just a female friend, I probably would have hugged her a thousand times by now, but since I’m attracted to her, I’m petrified of losing her by making it weird.

I really don't think I would be having this much trouble with her if it wasn't for the fact that she's so damn pretty. I've never been good with pretty girls to begin with, and it's worse that she's got one of the most mysterious personalities around.

Without making me feel too pathetic, anyone have any advice? Can someone tell me if I'm in the dreaded friend zone and whether it's possible to escape it with an ISFP?
 

Jeffster

veteran attention whore
Joined
Jun 7, 2008
Messages
6,743
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx
I don't know what the "trouble" is. It sounds like you have a good thing going already. I mean, if you really have to know if you are "in the friend zone" because if you are you will try to find a romantic relationship somewhere else, then I would say just ask her how she thinks of you.

People are individuals, so I think it's tough to respond to these things based on type. Annd I'm not female, obviously. But I have never had a problem with someone just asking me straight up where they stand with me. I mean, the worst thing she could do is probly give you an awkward "i dunno" type answer, but even then, if you stay cool in your response...something like "Okay, well can you let me know when you do know?" It's likely she will either have an answer because she's had a second to process it, or she will say "ok" and really will think about it after that and come up with an answer for you.

Again, this is all speculation on my part based on the little info you have given. I don't know how old either of you are or anything about your environment or situation, so it's tough to be specific. My reactions were very different ten years ago from how they would be now. I'm much more confident in communicating now.
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
Thanks for the help, Jeffster.

Here's some more info: early 20's, college.

The trouble is that her aloofness kills me. I get so excited about talking to her, and then she blows me off. If we're just friends then I can accept that. It's part of her personality. But would an ISFP act that way toward someone they like? I'm guessing not, but I don't know. I don't know if she's just trying to keep it slow.

I also worry that if I don't make a move soon, she'll move on, believing I'm not interested in her. But I also know that she does not respond to "weirdness" very well. If I get gushy or try to force her to talk about her feelings, she becomes cold and retreats.

I'm over-thinking this, I know. But that's an INTP thing.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I agree with Jeff. It does sound like you have a good thing going. Maybe just tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. I also agree that it might take her a while to figure it out, so don't get discouraged if she's initially can't find the right words to express herself (IS's are like that). Give her time. After all, you will have had time to think about how you wanted to express yourself to her. :wink:
 

Just another ISTJ

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
117
MBTI Type
IsTj
Enneagram
1w9
The trouble is that her aloofness kills me. I get so excited about talking to her, and then she blows me off. If we're just friends then I can accept that. It's part of her personality. But would an ISFP act that way toward someone they like? I'm guessing not, but I don't know. I don't know if she's just trying to keep it slow.

ISFPs supposedly might be aloof towards someone they like according to another thread that I don't recall the title of. It certainly doesn't make things easy.
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
I agree with Jeff. It does sound like you have a good thing going. Maybe just tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. I also agree that it might take her a while to figure it out, so don't get discouraged if she's initially can't find the right words to express herself (IS's are like that). Give her time. After all, you will have had time to think about how you wanted to express yourself to her. :wink:

Do you mean I should ask her right away, and then give her time to respond? Or do you mean, I should just let this thing play out and continue being her friend which I enjoy even though it kills me sometimes.

I feel like she's this gentle creature. One false move and she's gone forever. I asked her out once before, like on a real date, and I think I was too pushy. She turned me down in a rather cold manner, stating that she couldn't do it then. I figured it was over, but then weeks later she winds up inviting me to hang out with her. I'm terribly confused.
 

Jeffster

veteran attention whore
Joined
Jun 7, 2008
Messages
6,743
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx
Thanks for the help, Jeffster.

Here's some more info: early 20's, college.

Okay, see, when I was early 20's, if I was having a good time with a hot girl, and she asked me if I wanted to me "more" than a friend, I would've been like "uhhh..yeah!" In fact, that's not a hypothetical. It happened. That's how I ended up a single dad. :blush:

The trouble is that her aloofness kills me. I get so excited about talking to her, and then she blows me off. If we're just friends then I can accept that. It's part of her personality. But would an ISFP act that way toward someone they like? I'm guessing not, but I don't know.

What's an example of where she blows you off?

I also worry that if I don't make a move soon, she'll move on, believing I'm not interested in her. But I also know that she does not respond to "weirdness" very well. If I get gushy or try to force her to talk about her feelings, she becomes cold and retreats.

If she's anything like me, she wouldn't do that on the basis of your not "making a move." Now I can't promise some other dude wouldn't come along and attract her interest. We are easily distracted, after all. ;)

I'm over-thinking this, I know. But that's an INTP thing.

Yep. Yep. :newwink:
 

wolfy

awsm
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
12,251
Thanks for the help, Jeffster.

Here's some more info: early 20's, college.

The trouble is that her aloofness kills me. I get so excited about talking to her, and then she blows me off. If we're just friends then I can accept that. It's part of her personality. But would an ISFP act that way toward someone they like? I'm guessing not, but I don't know. I don't know if she's just trying to keep it slow.

I also worry that if I don't make a move soon, she'll move on, believing I'm not interested in her. But I also know that she does not respond to "weirdness" very well. If I get gushy or try to force her to talk about her feelings, she becomes cold and retreats.

I'm over-thinking this, I know. But that's an INTP thing.

I will tend to blow off invitations. Often regretting it the next second. So I could act that way towards someone I like. I have done it to be honest.
Like she could have done. Blown it off then reflected on it and decided it was a good idea and wanted to go out.
I know that it must be frustrating.
The only advice I can give is be clear about how you feel tell her that you want to go out and give some options. Then back away and hope like hell she picks one.
It takes time to sort through feelings.
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
What's an example of where she blows you off?

I kind of feel like she blows me off almost every time I see her. It's like I have to befriend her every single week. It drives me crazy that she's able to live in the moment, and when I'm not around she probably never thinks about me. Meanwhile, I obsess every day about every moment she and I have spent together.

Other than turning me down for a date, she's never actually blown me off. It's just more of a general coldness. Sometimes when I call her, she has this tone like, "What do you want? Hurry. I don't have time for you." But once the conversation gets rolling, she begins to warm up to me. By the end of it, she's acting like I'm the best person in the world. And then the next time I talk to her, it's back to square one again. It's tiring and confusing, but getting her to fall in love with me every week is also a little addicting.

When I tried talking to her frequently, she got really cold. But I don't know if I should be reaching out to her more now that our "relationship" has developed further. As of now, I only contact her probably twice a week. Should I give her more attention or continue to give her space?

Thanks for the help, everybody.
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
I will tend to blow off invitations. Often regretting it the next second. So I could act that way towards someone I like. I have done it to be honest.
Like she could have done. Blown it off then reflected on it and decided it was a good idea and wanted to go out.
I know that it must be frustrating.
The only advice I can give is be clear about how you feel tell her that you want to go out and give some options. Then back away and hope like hell she picks one.
It takes time to sort through feelings.

That's great to know. Thank you. I'm learning that ISFP's don't really like plans. I think I'm learning that I shouldn't propose plans to her, but rather I should just do my research and be prepared so I can make suggestions while we "live in the moment." Do you guys think this is a good strategy? Should I just see if she wants to get together and figure it out, or should I say, "Let's go do X or Y or Z?"
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
It sounds to me like you may have been friendzoned. :/
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
It sounds to me like you may have been friendzoned. :/

Yeah, it kind of seems that way. But I don't know if her coldness is based on my coldness too. I'm not a naturally affectionate person. I'm not really sweet or kind to her, and I rarely contact her.

Eventually, I think I'll have to tell her how I feel. But I don't know if I should just let this play out, or if I should do it soon. Basically, I'm trying to figure out if the ISFP's friendzone is a death trap. If it's inescapable, then I need to tell her how I feel ASAP. If the friendzone is just a temporary state, then telling her how I feel might put her on the defensive and then my chance to get out of the friendzone is gone.

It seems like the friendzone is always inescapable, but I used to be her friend, and I know for a fact that she fell for me at one point. Maybe it will happen again? Maybe not? I don't know.
 

SolitaryPenguin

Active member
Joined
Dec 20, 2007
Messages
824
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
9w1
This is just me being devil's advocate as I do, but it sounds to me like you're already over-thought yourself right into an uncomfortable corner. I know it is different for women than for men, but I've missed opportunities for dates just because I was completely oblivious to the "subtle hints" someone was sending me at the time. I need concrete statements like "Are you into me the same way that I am into you?" or "Hey dumbass, I like you, want to go out?"

I wouldn't worry about her moving on because you didn't make your move or not. She's probably not even aware of it either way to begin with.

Short version, tell her exactly how you feel. She has no idea, and she probably doesn't think too much about it. The worst that happens is she doesn't reciprocate, and that at least will get you to stop thinking yourself in circles. :)
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so

maliafee

Active member
Joined
Feb 10, 2009
Messages
1,127
First of all, just because she stated she was busy the one time you asked her out, that doesn't mean she was blowing you off. She probably was busy. You coulda saved it by laughing and asking her when she would be free.

ISFPs aren't always averse to plans. From my experience, some types don't like plans because they want to keep their options open and not be pinned down. This is true of ISFPs unless it's about something that excites them. In that case, they'd rather do it NOW NOW NOW because they want the fun. But, if you made a plan with her in the future I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with that if she is into you... she would probably anticipate it with excitement and have fun dressing up to go out.

That said, I also disagree that you are in the friendzone. You either are someone she won't ever date, or you're someone she might date. There is no friendzone. I am ISFP and have been friends with boys who turned into boyfriends after months of effort. The thing is, if only they had been more direct or forward, we would have gotten together earlier.

One boyfriend told me he tried to drop lots of hints beforehand (even taking me out to dinner, helping me out a bunch, commenting on the kind of friendship we had, saying he knew we'd both understand if the other one someday confessed feelings to the other) and I didn't have a clue until he rubbed my back and played with my hair while we hugged goodnight one time, and then we kissed. So you must be direct. She's an S, she's an S, she's an S...
 

maliafee

Active member
Joined
Feb 10, 2009
Messages
1,127
Oh and also, if she likes you, she wants you to pursue her. I have a tendency of going after boys only if they don't put effort into going after me... but it always gets me into trouble. It is always best for me for some reason when I've let the boy take the reigns in pursuing me. Dunno why.
 

Schema

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INxP
I don't think the friendzone was ever a problem as you ISFPs so accurately stated. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure she has moved on. She's looking for something else in a guy, and may have already found it. She may have been dating several guys at once, so it looks like I lost out.

I'm pretty sure she still cares about me dearly though. She gave me the cold signal the last time I saw her and dropped plenty of hints that she's starting to see someone else. She seemed very sad about this. She almost looked like she might cry at the end of it. She also kept promising for us to talk or hang out soon.
 

markscol

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2009
Messages
24
I HAVE THE EXACT SAME ISSUE WITH A CURRENT ISFP RIGHT NOW. I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE WHETHER SHE LIKES ME OR NOT...AND HER DAMN MOOD SWINGS! LOOKING BACK IN RETROSPECT, WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
 
Top