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  1. #1
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Default ESTP's, lend me your aid

    My ESTP 15 yr old sister has run away from home. She is staying with my other sister in the mean time, but she won't talk about it, she won't open up about whatever is bothering her.

    Basically my parents found out she has a boyfriend, my parents are strict muslims (my sister had to wear a scarf/hijab), and beat her so she called the police, the police came and she ended up going to my sister house.

    This is basically the end of my family, all 6 children who could run away, have now run away from home. My enfp brother lives with me for similar reasons, and of course I ran as did all my other sisters and my other brother.

    I understand why she has run away, but she has closed everyone out. She cries, but not like I would cry. It's a few tears and she gets mad and forces herself to stop. You can tell she is tough, but unless she opens up how can we help her deal with the trauma she is feeling right now?

    I want to help her, but unlike with my enfp brother (who did open up to me) she is a closed book.

    How can I help her?
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  2. #2
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Anyone?
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I'm no ESTP, but I'd take her for a walk,for instance somewhere in a park, and try to explain to her that you've been there, that it is ok to feel sad, and scared, and to show it to you. Maybe, if you sense she's interested, even talk about your own experience. Then give her time to let it sink in. Show her a good time, go to the movies and occasionally touch upon the subject, respecting her wishes if she doesn't wanna talk, but being there if she does.


    Good luck, this isn't an easy situation
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  4. #4
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I'm no ESTP, but I'd take her for a walk,for instance somewhere in a park, and try to explain to her that you've been there, that it is ok to feel sad, and scared, and to show it to you. Maybe, if you sense she's interested, even talk about your own experience. Then give her time to let it sink in. Show her a good time, go to the movies and occasionally touch upon the subject, respecting her wishes if she doesn't wanna talk, but being there if she does.


    Good luck, this isn't an easy situation
    I did that with her yesterday as it happens, it's like my natural way of approaching someone who needs to know that someone understands their position.

    I'm just second guessing my approach because she is an ESTP, and mine is an NF approach.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Yeah..I can imagine that that requires a different approach..can't help you then myself
    Why don't you approach Luke..isnt' he an ESTP?
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  6. #6
    Senior Member "?"'s Avatar
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    I am not ESTP as well, but from all accounts I have read that ESTPs are the first to leave home anyhow. Since she has witnessed the physical abuse of her siblings have you considered that she may be thinking there is really nothing to talk about? What happened, happened and she may be moving on. That in itself is not healthy, but may be her way of dealing with it for now. In ten years her account of what occurred may be different than yours, becasue she (assuming that she is ESTP) will reinvent her life and deny much of what occurred in her childhood. All SPs look at the past in a pessimistic manner.

  7. #7
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Yeah..I can imagine that that requires a different approach..can't help you then myself
    Why don't you approach Luke..isnt' he an ESTP?
    I shall direct him to the thread.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  8. #8
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by "?" View Post
    I am not ESTP as well, but from all accounts I have read that ESTPs are the first to leave home anyhow. Since she has witnessed the physical abuse of her siblings have you considered that she may be thinking there is really nothing to talk about? What happened, happened and she may be moving on. That in itself is not healthy, but may be her way of dealing with it for now. In ten years her account of what occurred may be different than yours, becasue she (assuming that she is ESTP) will reinvent her life and deny much of what occurred in her childhood. All SPs look at the past in a pessimistic manner.
    I can understand that, but she is 15 and the situation is that my sister currently looking after her is a temporary thing.

    She wouldn't talk to the police when they turned up, she won't speak to a social worker, and without speaking about it, or at least expressing her reasons for wanting to leave home (obviously the violence) she will have nowhere to stay.

    I can't take her in, I'm happy to try but I have 3 kids, plus my brother here and he sleeps on the couch.

    Meh fuck it, if my other sister says she has to go she can come here, she can share my bed with me if necessary.

    It's just a very messed up situation now. Social services are totally crap. :steam: They took me and my eldest sister away from our parents when I was 13, the violence was extreme so they stepped in. With all of this on record they have still turned away all my other siblings when those siblings have reached an age to admit they are being abused, they didn't help my 16yr old brother, told him to go back home so he ended up coming to me, same with another brother.

    I even had my other sister sleeping on the floor with me when I was living in a hostel aged 17, again because they wouldn't help.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  9. #9
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    My ESTP 15 yr old sister has run away from home. She is staying with my other sister in the mean time, but she won't talk about it, she won't open up about whatever is bothering her.

    Basically my parents found out she has a boyfriend, my parents are strict muslims (my sister had to wear a scarf/hijab), and beat her so she called the police, the police came and she ended up going to my sister house.

    This is basically the end of my family, all 6 children who could run away, have now run away from home. My enfp brother lives with me for similar reasons, and of course I ran as did all my other sisters and my other brother.

    I understand why she has run away, but she has closed everyone out. She cries, but not like I would cry. It's a few tears and she gets mad and forces herself to stop. You can tell she is tough, but unless she opens up how can we help her deal with the trauma she is feeling right now?

    I want to help her, but unlike with my enfp brother (who did open up to me) she is a closed book.

    How can I help her?
    Wow, I really feel for you and your family right now. I am off the charts ESTP and will do my best to help a bit. Also, I went to high school and college in Northern Virginia/D.C. area and know many Muslim families, some very traditional and some that are less strict, so I am not ignorant as to what type of stresses can occur in domestic situations like this.

    OK, here's the deal from my perspective. Forcing rligious customs, wardrobe, and limiting a young person's life experiences will no doubt cause some type of trauma, in the case of Muslims, females are more severely affected.

    It is very likely that your parents have voiced their cultural beliefs and associated fears (sex before marriage, getting bad grades and not amounting to anything, etc.) to your sister, and that your sister feels they are accusing her of being capable of realizing these fears, instead of them trying to dissuade her from living them.

    This is a big deal, especially to an ESTP. We are generally easy going and let things go that other people would carry grudges about for years, but when it comes down to someone marring our personal image, or if we come to believe that someone (parents, lovers, friends, etc.) thinks very bad things about us, then we have very real potential to turn those people off in our hearts and shut them out of our lives so we can go about being ourselves without dealing with their baggage.

    In your case, I would be sure to let her know that you are there for her, but don't try to get her to open up. Just spend some time with her if you can, go get some food, go see a movie, whatever, just get some air and let a few positive experiences between you and her occur without having to dwell on this issue. She'll open up pretty quickly if you do that, I expect, as we ESTPs are pretty much an open book, and love to talk, but just need to be in the right frame of mind to do so, because just like anyone else we can get upset too, especially more so when we are younger and still formulating our self image.

    Hey, I wish you the best and hope your family steers through this as unscathed as possible.

    People will live up to your worst expectaions of them. If you have only positive, good expectaions of people then that is what they will live up to in your eyes, as they are happy as hell you think highly of them. If someone knows you have low expectaions of them, then they will not feel bad when they do screw something up for you because they know you never thought much of them in the first place. Your parents need to learn this!

  10. #10
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post
    Wow, I really feel for you and your family right now. I am off the charts ESTP and will do my best to help a bit. Also, I went to high school and college in Northern Virginia/D.C. area and know many Muslim families, some very traditional and some that are less strict, so I am not ignorant as to what type of stresses can occur in domestic situations like this.

    OK, here's the deal from my perspective. Forcing rligious customs, wardrobe, and limiting a young person's life experiences will no doubt cause some type of trauma, in the case of Muslims, females are more severely affected.

    It is very likely that your parents have voiced their cultural beliefs and associated fears (sex before marriage, getting bad grades and not amounting to anything, etc.) to your sister, and that your sister feels they are accusing her of being capable of realizing these fears, instead of them trying to dissuade her from living them.

    This is a big deal, especially to an ESTP. We are generally easy going and let things go that other people would carry grudges about for years, but when it comes down to someone marring our personal image, or if we come to believe that someone (parents, lovers, friends, etc.) thinks very bad things about us, then we have very real potential to turn those people off in our hearts and shut them out of our lives so we can go about being ourselves without dealing with their baggage.

    In your case, I would be sure to let her know that you are there for her, but don't try to get her to open up. Just spend some time with her if you can, go get some food, go see a movie, whatever, just get some air and let a few positive experiences between you and her occur without having to dwell on this issue. She'll open up pretty quickly if you do that, I expect, as we ESTPs are pretty much an open book, and love to talk, but just need to be in the right frame of mind to do so, because just like anyone else we can get upset too, especially more so when we are younger and still formulating our self image.

    Hey, I wish you the best and hope your family steers through this as unscathed as possible.

    People will live up to your worst expectaions of them. If you have only positive, good expectaions of people then that is what they will live up to in your eyes, as they are happy as hell you think highly of them. If someone knows you have low expectaions of them, then they will not feel bad when they do screw something up for you because they know you never thought much of them in the first place. Your parents need to learn this!
    Thanks for that halla that really makes alot of sense.

    Where she is right now, with my other sister (esfj) things aren't any better, she might not be suffering violence, but my esfj sister is criticising her so much right now.

    I had to step in and tell her to stop and take my estp sister to the side and tell her that I disagreed with my esfj sister, and that I had total faith that she was smart enough to make the right choices and that whatever was going on in her head was no ones right to judge. She hugged me so I guess I said the right things.

    I think she needs to be here with me, I am not judgemental, nor do I put pressure on anyone to conform like my esfj sister does.

    My estp sister is getting bad grades aswell, but unlike my esfj sister I don't blame that on a lack of intelligence, just on the issues surroudning her right now.

    I know she is tough, I just ache for her having to go through the same shit we had to.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

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