[MBTI General] INFJ Seeks Advice from ESFPs

[MrME]

*Note: Can a mod fix my title? I made a boom-boom.

My roommate is ESFP. He's a very kind, warm, and helpful person. He sees in me somebody that he needs to "help," even though I don't really need his help. He's a good friend and somebody that I really like having around, but I can't seem to convince him that I don't need help, I don't need to be fixed.

I've recently sensed a lot of frustration from him directed at me. (Mind you, I've only SENSED this, so I could be wrong.) I know my intense introversion and general INFJ-ness confuses the hell out of him. He seems to think everybody in the world is E, and he attempted a few times when we first moved in together to "get me out of the house more," only to be met with my lack of interest in going out. I've been very direct in explaining that I don't like to go out NEARLY as frequently as he does.

He has also expressed a belief that I am depressed, when I very much am not -- again, probably owing to the fact that I like spending my weekends at home, working on projects, playing video games, cleaning, playing with the cats, stuff like that. When I go out, it's usually only to the house of another pair of close friends who are also extremely introverted.

I've attempted to show him that I'm not depressed, and have even said so, directly. I've told him directly that I'm fine, that I don't want to go out, and that I'm not depressed. It works for a while, but within a few weeks he's trying to get me out of the house again.

Any suggestions?

 

[IrishStallion819]

Simple....If hes as warm and kind as you say he is, then he should have no problem to you guys sitting down and clearing up where theres been some "Misconceptions". Its important to examine yourself, and see where he possibly could be getting the assumptions that hes obviously voiceing..

 

[MrME]

Simple....If hes as warm and kind as you say he is, then he should have no problem to you guys sitting down and clearing up where theres been some "Misconceptions". Its important to examine yourself, and see where he possibly could be getting the assumptions that hes obviously voiceing..

I have had a couple of chats with him already, but they don't seem to stick. I suppose that's really all I can do for now, just keep explaining, "No, really, I'm perfectly fine."

I will also have to have a serious conversation with my Ni, "Am I imagining this frustration?"

 

[IrishStallion819]

Have you asked him "why" he thinks the way he does? Then, you guys building the conversation off of that?

 

[MrME]

Have you asked him "why" he thinks the way he does? Then, you guys building the conversation off of that?

His attention tends to wane when I get into more complicated psychological differences between us. I was hoping another ESFP would have any suggestions for boiling down the myriad of differences between our types.

Although, now that I think about it, I might be trying to piss up a rope ...

 

[King sns]

hmm. I'm not sure what to tell you about this. If he's not listening, than its going to be hard to get through to him. He probably sees you as a puzzle to be solved. (Personally, I think INxJ's are the most puzzling types for me to understand.) I don't know what it is. The ones that I know, I don't feel that they need fixing, or helping, but I get the impression that because of their kindness and niceness, they want to go out and have fun with me. They are so nice that they must be my friend, and friends go out and have fun with friends, right?

I wonder if that's what your roomate is thinking. I have also falsly accused some strong introverts to be "depressed" or "downers" as well. But now realized that they just gather their energy differently than I do. (I'm a very mild extrovert, too.) But, I think that it must be insulting for you to be fussed over like that. So, all I can tell you is where he might be coming from. But I can't tell you how to fix it.

 

[MrME]

I get the impression that because of their kindness and niceness, they want to go out and have fun with me. They are so nice that they must be my friend, and friends go out and have fun with friends, right?

I wonder if that's what your roomate is thinking.

I was afraid that he might be thinking that, too.

 

[King sns]

Well, its interesting to hear that from your point of view, anyways. I've ended a few friendships, (or let them fizzle out), because of introverts wanting to stay in the house when I wanted to go out. (I took it as a sign of them blowing me off. Seriously, who would rather stay in and clean and watch movies than go galavanting the town with ME!)

Although strong introverts usually maintain my friendship by inviting me to do whatever they are doing, (go study with them, go keep them company while they do chores, go play video games or simply go out to lunch with me, since that's not too big of an outing.)

It sounds like your roommate has a lot more extroversion than I do though so you may have more trouble getting him to go along with what you want to do.

 

[Walking Tourist]

What is your favorite activity when you're galavanting the town?
Would an introvert enjoy it???
And, yes, generally, I prefer galavanting the town to staying inside but I'm kind of borderline I/E so am probably not the best introvert example.
It just sounds like the OP is having difficulty with an extravert who cannot understand a different way of gathering energy... though, I suppose, it's really hard to understand something is not what one experiences in day to day life. For the ESFP, the way that the introvert feels is just a concept.

Well, its interesting to hear that from your point of view, anyways. I've ended a few friendships, (or let them fizzle out), because of introverts wanting to stay in the house when I wanted to go out. (I took it as a sign of them blowing me off. Seriously, who would rather stay in and clean and watch movies than go galavanting the town with ME!)

 

[defragmybrain]

i've been known to want to drag my IXTJ boyfriends out and have asked them very similar questions, along the lines of "why dont you wanna go out/why are you being so depressed, its such a nice day, blah blah blah"
the thing with ESFP's is that although we may understand that what we are hearing from the interoverts, doesn't mean we're not persistent about it.
i would be a little more firm next time in telling him that everyone has different priorities and outings are NOT your thing. this might seem hard to do because he's very nice and all else, but perhaps worth the hassle.

 

[MrME]

I approached him with a vague question today, "Are you angry or frustrated with me for any reason?" He seems pretty surprised by the question, he exclaimed, "No!" Then he hugged me.

So, it's apparent to me now that I was projecting my own worries on to him. That's a relief. He's a good person to have as a friend.

Thanks for your help and suggestions, everybody. You all kick ass.

 

[simpleamazement]

i've been known to want to drag my IXTJ boyfriends out and have asked them very similar questions, along the lines of "why dont you wanna go out/why are you being so depressed, its such a nice day, blah blah blah"

That's why I love ESFPs, they always want to be out and have fun! The only really place I see them are at bars, and it's hard to get them away from their boyfriends while in bars.

 

[Tiny Army]

ESFPs are so delightful! I really love their energy and how they are definitely the dreamiest sensing types. I always kind of resented S types for being so damnably efficient and not taking the time to space out but ESFPs have somehow cultivated an efficient way to space out!

As an extrovert surrounded by introverts I find that planning roomate activities (such as family dinner or board game night or really terrible horror movie night) is enough to satiate my extroversion while not overwhelming them. I also find that my introvert friends are fairly comfortable going to the movies because they don't really have to interact with anyone but the people they came with and I get to take them out! We get ice cream afterwards and discuss the movie.

Maybe stuff like this would keep your ESFP from fussing over you. Remember, extroverts only fuss because we just really want to hang out with you.

 

[King sns]

I approached him with a vague question today, "Are you angry or frustrated with me for any reason?" He seems pretty surprised by the question, he exclaimed, "No!" Then he hugged me.

So, it's apparent to me now that I was projecting my own worries on to him. That's a relief. He's a good person to have as a friend.

Thanks for your help and suggestions, everybody. You all kick ass.

Yea, the other thing about ESFPs.
If he was mad at you for a second, he's probably forgotten about it the next second

 

[maliafee]

Two things:

1. You (the lovely INFJ) are probably reading into more than is there (please don't take offense, it's just SFPs don't hold onto lingering resentments like that).

2. He is probably saying all that stuff as an instantaneous reaction to seeing you inside at that moment, but not as evidence of him having a problem with you being inside in general. He feels good at that time, wants to spread it to whomever he encounters, including you, and he feels that going out or whatever is the fun to spread.

ADVICE?

Ignore it, and when he offers to get you to go out, say something funny and sarcastic and smile and laugh but just end up staying home. He doesn't care if you stay home all that much. Just banter with him. "Come on!" he'll nudge, "It's a beautiful day. Let's go out and... blablabla!" Just say something funny like, "I know it's great out. Let me get my coat." Then roll your eyes (but don't forget to giggle afterwards). And then (and this is important), DON'T look at him with that INFJ squint like you're trying to read his reaction!!! He will know you are not ok with everything. Just go back to doing whatever and smile.

 

[Tiltyred]

Buy him a copy of "Please Understand Me," and bookmark your type?

 

[King sns]

Two things:

1. You (the lovely INFJ) are probably reading into more than is there (please don't take offense, it's just SFPs don't hold onto lingering resentments like that).

2. He is probably saying all that stuff as an instantaneous reaction to seeing you inside at that moment, but not as evidence of him having a problem with you being inside in general. He feels good at that time, wants to spread it to whomever he encounters, including you, and he feels that going out or whatever is the fun to spread.

ADVICE?

Ignore it, and when he offers to get you to go out, say something funny and sarcastic and smile and laugh but just end up staying home. He doesn't care if you stay home all that much. Just banter with him. "Come on!" he'll nudge, "It's a beautiful day. Let's go out and... blablabla!" Just say something funny like, "I know it's great out. Let me get my coat." Then roll your eyes (but don't forget to giggle afterwards). And then (and this is important), DON'T look at him with that INFJ squint like you're trying to read his reaction!!! He will know you are not ok with everything. Just go back to doing whatever and smile.

I have to say, if someone did this to me, I would become very angry. Like they are minimizing me. I would rather the cute INFJ reaction of simply telling me how they felt. Would make me feel more connected and less like they are minimizing my feeling of wanting to go out or outright ignoring me.

 

[maliafee]

I have to say, if someone did this to me, I would become very angry. Like they are minimizing me. I would rather the cute INFJ reaction of simply telling me how they felt. Would make me feel more connected and less like they are minimizing my feeling of wanting to go out or outright ignoring me.

Whoops. Well, never said I was an "N"... haha. I guess don't trust my advice on ESFPs now?! I've never been close friends with one, to be honest; that could be my problem. I thought I had it in the bag!

Malia
ISFP

 

[King sns]

Whoops. Well, never said I was an "N"... haha. I guess don't trust my advice on ESFPs now?! I've never been close friends with one, to be honest; that could be my problem. I thought I had it in the bag!

Malia
ISFP

lol, not quite.
Now you know what not to do!

 

[maliafee]

Yes! I'll never do that ever now... what else would work? Saying thanks but no because "you know me"? Now I'm curious...

Malia
ISFP