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Thread: ISTJ fathers...

  1. #11
    Senior Member Array meanlittlechimp's Avatar
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    I have had an estranged relationship with my ISTJ father my entire life. He always provided for us, but he wasn't exactly the kind of parent that tried to understand his kids or partake in their lives (or even seemed interested). His way of showing his affection was by working his ass off and providing for his family. I didn't care all that much about the lack of affection (it was the controlling aspect without any rational explanation for why I had to do things his way that drove me nuts).

    To be fair, I was kind of trouble maker and would openly defy him constantly to the point where he just gave up speaking to me most of the time. Some of the time the defiance was just immature petulance on my part but more often than not I had a real reason. I was always jealous of friends and cousins who had "cool" parents but looking back a lot of those parents, fucked their kids over in other ways - so I don't think I got a raw deal in the end and wouldn't trade him.

    He recently became much more laid back and relaxed in his old age (late 50's) so we get along better than we ever had, but I really believe there was nothing I could have done to make the relationship "work". The only thing that worked for me was waiting for his age to mellow him out.

  2. #12
    no clinkz 'til brooklyn Array Nocapszy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by meanlittlechimp View Post
    I have had an estranged relationship with my ISTJ father my entire life. He always provided for us, but he wasn't exactly the kind of parent that tried to understand his kids or partake in their lives (or even seemed interested). His way of showing his affection was by working his ass off and providing for his family. I didn't care all that much about the lack of affection (it was the controlling aspect without any rational explanation for why I had to do things his way that drove me nuts).

    To be fair, I was kind of trouble maker and would openly defy him constantly to the point where he just gave up speaking to me most of the time. Some of the time the defiance was just immature petulance on my part but more often than not I had a real reason. I was always jealous of friends and cousins who had "cool" parents but looking back a lot of those parents, fucked their kids over in other ways - so I don't think I got a raw deal in the end and wouldn't trade him.

    He recently became much more laid back and relaxed in his old age (late 50's) so we get along better than we ever had, but I really believe there was nothing I could have done to make the relationship "work". The only thing that worked for me was waiting for his age to mellow him out.
    This is like a carbon copy of my relationship with my ESTJ father. The only detail I'll point out as difference is that he doesn't give up trying to take control. Not surprising for an extravert. A lot of the time I have to just give in or keep fighting, until I have to give in. Often enough though I get my way, so it works. Hopefully he'll do what yours did, but I somehow doubt it. Seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel - he's set in his ways, and does everything in his power to see that I'm set in his ways as well.

    Moving out soon though

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by meanlittlechimp View Post
    I have had an estranged relationship with my ISTJ father my entire life. He always provided for us, but he wasn't exactly the kind of parent that tried to understand his kids or partake in their lives (or even seemed interested). His way of showing his affection was by working his ass off and providing for his family. I didn't care all that much about the lack of affection (it was the controlling aspect without any rational explanation for why I had to do things his way that drove me nuts).

    To be fair, I was kind of trouble maker and would openly defy him constantly to the point where he just gave up speaking to me most of the time. Some of the time the defiance was just immature petulance on my part but more often than not I had a real reason. I was always jealous of friends and cousins who had "cool" parents but looking back a lot of those parents, fucked their kids over in other ways - so I don't think I got a raw deal in the end and wouldn't trade him.

    He recently became much more laid back and relaxed in his old age (late 50's) so we get along better than we ever had, but I really believe there was nothing I could have done to make the relationship "work". The only thing that worked for me was waiting for his age to mellow him out.
    I do notice a slight mellowing in him now as compared to when I was younger (he is also in his late 50's).

    As an update, my father and I are still working on our relationship. I've found that setting boundaries is working fairly well. It's similiar to how I deal with my mother, but I seem to have to do it more frequently with my father. The second he starts getting hardheaded about his "right way to do things" & insulting me for not living up to these standards, I just get off the phone (or if we're in person, I say that I want to talk about something else). The more I do it, the more he seems to learn that I'm not going to deal with it. It also opens the field up for different sorts of conversation - surprisingly enough, we do have a LOT of interests in common & I've been enjoying our discussions (and learning a lot! He is SO fact oriented and I am the complete opposite, so no matter what I'm getting a new perspective on many issues).

    So, I think it's coming along. I have had to let go of the idea of any sort of emotional, father/daughter sort of connection (in a way I envision one to be, anyway), but I am finding some sort of connection and that is satisfying to me.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Array chippinchunk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    I noticed in the family thread that a few people had ISTJ fathers.

    I'm in the process of TRYING to rebuild an estranged relationship with my ISTJ father. Personal issues aside, we simply cannot seem to see eye to eye on things. I find we are concluding to agree to disagree on just about everything. I really want to find a way to relate to him - even on an interest basis, but I continue to hit a wall with his "moral obligation" bent - and not living up to what he sees his daughter should be at this point in my life. As an INFJ, the lack of connection between the two of us is ultimately what made years of not speaking somewhat easy. I am striving for some sort of connection now.

    So, ISTJs... how have you related to others, specifically INFJs? What sort of approach would you most prefer for relating? What sort of hot button issues should I avoid until our relationship is a little more stable? I really want to take this opportunity to get to know my father, but his walls just seem ridiculously high & his strongminded opinions in complete conflict with mine & my life in general. I would hate to have to retreat back into years of not speaking.
    Another from your point of view, my father is ISTJ and relating to him, is something I don't do. For some reason I can't really see what he sees and at the moment it doesn't really hit me so hard as it does you. I will agree with the "years of not speaking" it's not that I dont talk to him, it's more like I- I don't know. (...I dont want to )

    I speak to my dad like he's just someone that's there (Not really a daughter/father relationship). I don't ask him for much (I dont ask my mom for much either) and he never converses with me, so there's not much talking going on. Only when he's into something and wants to share his strange joy/fascination for it, is when he speaks. I dont get much from him and it goes both ways.

    I'm not much help.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Array niki's Avatar
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    ISTJ parents...sigh.
    when I was a little kid, I was probably a very "good boy" to my ISTJ father (ie: i'm cute, 'weird', goofy & funny, nice, kind, and generally being a "good kid"!),
    ..but now that I'm already 25-yrs old (an adult with his own mind & interest & dreams) , it's sad to know that we're sometimes (actually often) on the verge of losing our cool-talks & becoming more distanced each time I grew!

    it's the same.
    I'm having so much troubles with my ISTJ father (not to mention my ISFJ mother); heck, even with my ISTJ girlfriend often.
    These people are soo detail-oriented, straightforward, fact-oriented BUT often can't see things past-behind the "traditional or common" ways of doing things!
    I've argued with my ISTJ dad in almost everything now!
    ...and what could be the worst, other than talks about my choice of career & future!
    he always, and always want me to have secure job, and ah, has to be BIG, and I mean really BIG - money-making career! he's very very traditionalist, and can only see success = have lots of money, have 2 cars, have a house, can provide for my family later-on, and period.
    While I appreciate his very fact-of-the-matter approach on life, I always hate how he always NEVER want to be so open-minded or imaginative or intuitive that there are MANY more (or MANY OTHER) path to succesful life!

    and when we're arguing about this 'success' term, .......it's like each of us is hitting a hard brick-wall.
    he always called me "dreamy, childish, immature" ,
    and I always called him "very narrow-minded, robot-like" !

    it's sad,
    but yeah,..it'd be really really great if I could work on the relationship, to heal the relationship,...though i'm afraid that it'll just getting harder from this point forward
    it's just soo much different when I'm already such an adult like this.
    now I am probably the least favorite kid in his family, compared to my other ISFJ brother, for example!
    my parents are never proud of me anymore,...and that hurts!
    and god, how i hate conflict a lot, and how i hate if I someday have to resort to slamming the dinner table & confront him directly & unleash & pour-out all my 'hidden emotions/feelings' and correct all his 'rigid' perceptions.
    but i even don't know if THAT would also make him realize & accept me fully...as I am! not to become like other kid he's proud of! :/

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