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Thread: ISTJ Heartbreak

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Default ISTJ Heartbreak

    My ISTJ roommate just was let down by this girl that he really liked. They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out, they dated for two weeks and she swiftly backed out on him. He is completely shocked and sad.

    How can I be a good friend to him? Suggestions? I want to support him.

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    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    In your blog, you mentioned being obligated to "hate" her by default, but I think that is not a good way to help him get over her, because he will defend her in his heart and in his mind if you say anything bad about her. Love has its strange ways.

    Just listen to him. He will probably need to talk. A lot.

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    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Oh, I will never tell him that. The meaning of what I was saying is that I feel so strongly about it that I want to come to his defense... I don't actually hate her. I just hate to see him get crushed. He never gets crushed.

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    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    I don't know, we all have to go through this... just let him be miserable, and for the love of all things beautifull, don't try to make him talk, just let him know that you are willing to listen, if he should want to talk. Then carry on as usual.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

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    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    *shudders*

    That's one of the few big fears I have. Falling hard for someone, pursuing them and then confessing it and being rejected. I think it's a tough thing in general for ISTJs and it's probably going to be hard for him to sort out his emotions and let the steam seep. I think talking and affirmation is the best you can do.

    Edit:
    Good luck getting through to him though. He'll appreciate any effort you make to comfort him, but he'll probably blame himself and wonder what went wrong and why. That's how it'd play out for me anyways...

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    Senior Member Hexis's Avatar
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    One of my best friends is an ISTJ so I now how shocking it is when something like this that we could so easily deal with destroys them utterly.

    The best advise I can give is just listen to them, and you will probably have to initiate the conversation which could be difficult. Approach him about the subject minus the beating around the bush BS, from my experiences with ISTJs they cant stand that crap. Which I know most ENFPs are experts in, so just ask him right out if he wants to talk about it and if he does your probably in for a long long conversation.
    SDMF

  7. #7
    soft and silky sarah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    My ISTJ roommate just was let down by this girl that he really liked. They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out, they dated for two weeks and she swiftly backed out on him. He is completely shocked and sad.

    How can I be a good friend to him? Suggestions? I want to support him.

    Be a good listener -- IF he wants to talk about it, but don't expect him to want to talk about it necessarily. Tell him about his talents and his good points. Find some way of reassuring him that "this too will pass", and that he's a good person who's loveable, regardless of the fact that the woman he's set his heart on didn't have the good sense to love him back. Make contact with him -- check up on him to see how he's doing every now and then. Do little acts of kindness for him, to show him in concrete ways that you respect him as a friend and think he's a good guy.

    (this seemed to work when my ISTJ sister was heartbroken over the loss of a romance about half a year ago)

    Sarah
    ISFP

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    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Yeah, it's totally the worst to watch him go through it. He so carefully planned it all out and everything. And, he is most frustrated with her because she just gave it a "try" whereas he took time to know it was what he wanted. He thought everything was fine and then she just changed her mind. Ugh. I empathize with her because I know a lot would have been on the line, but it feels like she played him a little bit...

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    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Yeah, he is so puzzled by it. He thinks she is just scared and doesn't want to take a risk, which makes him mad because he firmly believes in taking (carefully planned) risks in life. It goes against the essence of all he is.

    Yes, listening and affirmation. Anything else I can do specifically? Anything you want to hear or NOT hear?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    They were close friends, he finally got up the nerve to ask her out.
    My hero.

    I agree with other posts about letting him talk rather than asking him. Remind him that his strength is in being like a TV ad. If he can be himself every day she will realize that she misses that addictive part of him that she can't quite put her finger on, but she knows it only comes from him.

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