[ISTJ] Connecting/Bonding with ISTJs

[BlackCat]

I have similar issues with an ISTJ friend as mentioned earlier in the thread.

She and I played video games together, and did some small talk. But after that got mundane and boring... We got distant. There was nothing to talk about that was interesting, we had no drive to want to see each other. What makes it worse is that when she opened up on me about a few things I got offended by a couple of things (her cheating in a few of her romantic relationships, two of which were with very good friends of mine). Forgive and forget... That is what I tell myself. She hates herself for cheating... So why should I hate her?

I haven't spoken to her in almost a month... It really bothers me. It feels awkward, because she knows how I feel about her and I have no idea what to say.

If anyone from either POV could enlighten me, I would much appreciate it. I want to continue being her friend... but something's gotta change. How do I avoid this distance with you guys, or how did you avoid it? Please share.

 

[d@v3]

An ISTJ cheated on someone? I think thats unusual..still more unusual is that she told you about it. She must have trusted you a great deal. I take it she didn't know you were good friends with the people she cheated on? You said you got offended by a couple of things, did you yell at her? I know this may be hard to do, but maybe you could try to apologize for your reaction. After all, you did say she already hated herself for doing it. You can't go back and change the past so there is no point in staying mad.

 

[NewEra]

Honestly, starting up a discussion with a common interest (with the ISTJ) is the best way, according to me.

 

[phoenix13]

Male or female ISTJs how do you bond with friends, gf/bf, husband/wife? I know that I am able to bond with people by talking, sharing information or giving advice, but as I've recently learned ISTJs aren't big on talking about personal/emotional stuff. So what type of things make you feel as if you have a connection with another human being? WHat type of things help you to trust another person?

The one ISTJ I know likes to bond by simply spending time with me. We don't usually have deep profound conversations (although, every once in a while, we'll go there). Instead, we do silly things like drawing comics, playing pool, watching star wars, eating food, etc., etc. So spend time with your ISTJ... over time a connection can be made stronger just by being in his/her presence.

Oh yeah, and with my ISTJ buddy, words don't go too far in showing you care. Their dominant function is Si, so they've got a great memory for things you've done in the past to show you care. Iow, express love through actions.

 

[Cimarron]

She and I played video games together, and did some small talk. But after that got mundane and boring... We got distant. There was nothing to talk about that was interesting, we had no drive to want to see each other.

I haven't spoken to her in almost a month... It really bothers me. It feels awkward, because she knows how I feel about her and I have no idea what to say.

I want to continue being her friend... but something's gotta change.

I have lost a few friendships like this in the past. My oldest friend, who I met 15 years ago, drifted away because we didn't have many common interests anymore, and neither of us really took initiative to keep a friendship going. What did I expect? Of course the friendship dissipated.

Take that step and stay in touch with her?
Try doing something new together, but not too different? Like going from pool table to ping pong table.
Do these sound like good ideas or bad ideas?

What makes it worse is that when she opened up on me about a few things I got offended by a couple of things (her cheating in a few of her romantic relationships, two of which were with very good friends of mine). Forgive and forget... That is what I tell myself. She hates herself for cheating... So why should I hate her?

You said in the first quote that you want to be her friend, and you make it sound like she wants to be your friend, too. That's a good start. She didn't mention the cheating casually, did she? It probably was really eating away at her if she decided she had to tell you about it. To me, it shows that she wants you to trust her.

 

[BlackCat]

An ISTJ cheated on someone? I think thats unusual..still more unusual is that she told you about it. She must have trusted you a great deal. I take it she didn't know you were good friends with the people she cheated on? You said you got offended by a couple of things, did you yell at her? I know this may be hard to do, but maybe you could try to apologize for your reaction. After all, you did say she already hated herself for doing it. You can't go back and change the past so there is no point in staying mad.

I didn't yell at her. I was just highly disturbed... One of the people she cheated on just so happens to be my best friend. Like... The person who knows everything about me best friend and vice versa. Funny thing is they are still dating and they really like each other.

She said the exact same thing what I expressed my feelings, that she couldn't fix the past but that you can prepare for the future.

But I have no idea what to do... I'm kinda "wounded at the core" in this situation. Which was why I was asking how I could get back to talking to her casually . There used to be so much to talk about... Our differences made things a lot more entertaining. But once we talked about stuff it just kinda... came to a screeching halt. Then after that I found out about that stuff and it just got worse in my mind.

She knew at the time that they were my good friends (known them since 3rd grade) that she cheated on (a couple of NFs). That must have taken a lot of courage on her part... Since I realize you guys are the most private type.

 

[BlackCat]

You said in the first quote that you want to be her friend, and you make it sound like she wants to be your friend, too. That's a good start. She didn't mention the cheating casually, did she? It probably was really eating away at her if she decided she had to tell you about it. To me, it shows that she wants you to trust her.

It kinda makes me hate myself that I don't trust her very much yet she has trusted me with her deepest secrets (nothing I want to say in public... Scarred for life material on her part).

 

[raz]

I was just in my business math class and was able to strike up a conversation with a girl in it. Definite conversation keeper upper for an ISTJ = bank reconciliation forms. Haha!

 

[swordpath]

Oh yeah, and with my ISTJ buddy, words don't go too far in showing you care. Their dominant function is Si, so they've got a great memory for things you've done in the past to show you care. Iow, express love through actions.

Totally.