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  1. #31
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    from one ENFP to another: i have two good ISTJ friends. my one friend is an excellent musician so i help him record his music and give him advice on structuring his songs. basically, we do something, which tends to be a scheduled thing. i do this every saturday with him. while im doing so we can discuss modern events/politics, women, music, cars, movies, and whatever. my other ISTJ friend I currently go to the gym with. at the gym, i do the same thing as my other friend, talk about whatever. i found that with ISTJs a common interest is a good thing to have because it opens up conversation quite a bit easier. its even better if its a scheduled thing. this is, of course, all my own personal experience. ya, dont talk about emotion unless they bring it up. and in my experience, they only bring it up if they REALLY need help. the gym friend never has, the music friend has on multiple occasions but only when he REALLY needs it. i never bring it up.
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

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  2. #32
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    I talked to my ISTJ friend, the one I initially asked about in my other thread...

    Tonight he shared something very personal with me that I asked him about ages ago and he REFUSED to even think about talking to me about it, and today he just started telling me. i felt special

    Anyway, of course there were quiet moments and I tried not to feel compelled to fill up the space with some random topic just to talk. It was cool, I didn't feel pressured to talk, and eventually he would just start telling me things that I never could get him to before when I asked him straight out. Nice.
    Yes, that's nice.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  3. #33
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    PinkIce, that is good to hear! Neat. That small little change was all it took, huh?
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  4. #34
    Senior Member moonbaby's Avatar
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    Do you mind explaining "it is very girl on the play ground with boy"? I don't get it.
    Typical scenario: INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy-(this would be a typical email)
    (they rarely come to you, I dont get it....it is true though so having a relationship generally requires you finding them)

    girl: hey! quit hiding from me!!!!!!

    boy: hey.......I am not, been busy....how are you?

    girl: yeah, yeah, ALWAYS busy! I think you are just scared of me.....I still am going to beat you in wrestling

    boy: really hum, well I think you might try....but you will only beat me if I let you

    girl: well maybe, but I think if you let me win I will let you pick the prize



    okay, this is typical of me and my ISTJ if we had a day or two and had not touched base...and we have an on going theme similar to this.
    I am not going to say I come into every single conversation that way, however we have a very playful way of communicating.
    He used to be really paranoid and over explaining what he has been doing or even shutting down on me and making me feel like he though he was being punished or something. Now, it is fun and good every single time. Quality of our time together has been important........it drew us closer.

    (I miss him....... whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!!) <---------- my breakdown lol, sorry

    anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

    I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

    I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonbaby View Post
    Typical scenario: INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy-(this would be a typical email)
    (they rarely come to you, I dont get it....it is true though so having a relationship generally requires you finding them)

    girl: hey! quit hiding from me!!!!!!

    boy: hey.......I am not, been busy....how are you?

    girl: yeah, yeah, ALWAYS busy! I think you are just scared of me.....I still am going to beat you in wrestling

    boy: really hum, well I think you might try....but you will only beat me if I let you

    girl: well maybe, but I think if you let me win I will let you pick the prize



    okay, this is typical of me and my ISTJ if we had a day or two and had not touched base...and we have an on going theme similar to this.
    I am not going to say I come into every single conversation that way, however we have a very playful way of communicating.
    He used to be really paranoid and over explaining what he has been doing or even shutting down on me and making me feel like he though he was being punished or something. Now, it is fun and good every single time. Quality of our time together has been important........it drew us closer.

    (I miss him....... whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!!) <---------- my breakdown lol, sorry

    anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

    I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

    I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.

    Wow, I'm still reeling from "INTJ girl seeks out ISTJ boy" lol! That happens?

    Okay, I understand the rest now.
    Is this ISTJ officially your boyfriend?
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  6. #36
    Senior Member moonbaby's Avatar
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    Yes indeed....it does happen. I tend to be playful in general.......but it seems to be a game with ISTJ's.........they push me, one up me...and it just takes off.

    As for my ISTJ, we have a very deep caring/bond........though circumstances and time have driven it to a place I think we may never be 'together'. It is on the ISTJs side...because I would move heaven and earth to be beside him.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonbaby View Post
    Yes indeed....it does happen. I tend to be playful in general.......but it seems to be a game with ISTJ's.........they push me, one up me...and it just takes off.

    As for my ISTJ, we have a very deep caring/bond........though circumstances and time have driven it to a place I think we may never be 'together'. It is on the ISTJs side...because I would move heaven and earth to be beside him.
    Ah, geez... I don't know what to say.
    I hope it happens for you two.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  8. #38
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonbaby View Post

    anyhow.....it is learning that just because YOUR ACTIONS might reflect one thing, projecting them onto another person is not going to help your relationship. ISTJs are not going to give you a lot of warm and fuzzies..... you need to go somewhere else for that. Pushing them for it is not going to be fruitful. If you truly want to understand, you have to shift your perspective.

    I think it is hard on women such as ISTJ women and INTJ women like myself, people and men see us as cold and unfeeling.

    I think it is hard on ISTJ and INTJ men to deal with women, because they always question their feelings (oh gawd I despise the questioning from the men I have been with!!!) and pushing them to fullfill something they dont understand.
    Double Plus Good.

    I also agree with the silence aspect of bonding. Of course I never have "awkward silences." I don't understand them, and can't understand people who always have to fill the gap of silence with mindless chatter. I inevitably ask them, "do you fear silence?" To this they normally always respond, "no..."

    (in my head, "then shut the fuck up.")

    Actually, "Okay, well I don't believe in awkward silences, so you can stop having them," followed by a smile.

    Was at a restaurant last night with a friend and two of her friends who were down from somewhere. One of them noticed that I was being more quiet than "normal," so I was inquired about my interests (something I don't mind talking about at all). I also explained during this to not be concerned about my being quiet, it's just a part of me. If I look uncomfortable, then yeah, I probably am. If I'm just listening casually, I'm fine.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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  9. #39
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    I talked to my ISTJ friend, the one I initially asked about in my other thread...

    Tonight he shared something very personal with me that I asked him about ages ago and he REFUSED to even think about talking to me about it, and today he just started telling me. i felt special

    Anyway, of course there were quiet moments and I tried not to feel compelled to fill up the space with some random topic just to talk. It was cool, I didn't feel pressured to talk, and eventually he would just start telling me things that I never could get him to before when I asked him straight out. Nice.
    I noticed this during my teenage years...as an ENFP.

    Several things Ive noticed about talking:

    I feel like I am compelled to talk a lot to demonstrate my knowledge, and be whitty, and entertaining. I make a lot of jokes, because I am being somewhat defensive, its a way of protecting myself, because I expect to be humiliated and exposed. Silence, or pockets of silence are uncomfortable.
    Arguing is uncomfortable. My father was very critical, and I did not get a lot of approval, so I created a lot of defensive conversational style. I find it hard to believe what people are saying. Growing up with two ITJ parents did not help, but our relationship is better now.

    But I think it is better to just shut up and be. I want to believe what people are telling me and just go along with it. It is better to listen and care about what people are saying. I find that truly listening to people, is really really hard though. I'm always thinking of what I want to say next.

    Scary, but true...

    How do I just shut the f*@k up and be?

  10. #40
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Hm. I did not read the entire thread, but a large percentage of my bonding with ISTJs has to do with time. It definitely took me a while to feel close to them. This is a foreign method of bonding to me because with other types I can usually speed up the intimacy process through verbal communication.

    The feeling of connection I have with ISTJs is mostly based on a string of (in-person) shared experiences (often involving others) over the course of a few years. It seems to me that the level of commitment and loyalty that sets in has to do with how long you have known them. When I talk to ISTJs about why they consider so-and-so their best friend, I am often told, "Well, I have known him/her my whole life!" A defining connecting point. It definitely seems to carry weight.

    Perhaps, ISTJs can feel connected to me (ENFP) based on shared activities alone, but I don't start to feel connected to them unless we have shared activities together over the course of time.

    Maybe the ISTJs can provide more insight on this thought. This is just what I have observed.

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