[ISTJ] Connecting/Bonding with ISTJs

[moonbaby]

(in my head, "then shut the fuck up.")

this is a part of them i adore and amuses the hell out of me.....truly.....

 

[Bella]

I noticed this during my teenage years...as an ENFP.

Several things Ive noticed about talking:

I feel like I am compelled to talk a lot to demonstrate my knowledge, and be whitty, and entertaining. I make a lot of jokes, because I am being somewhat defensive, its a way of protecting myself, because I expect to be humiliated and exposed. Silence, or pockets of silence are uncomfortable.
Arguing is uncomfortable. My father was very critical, and I did not get a lot of approval, so I created a lot of defensive conversational style. I find it hard to believe what people are saying. Growing up with two ITJ parents did not help, but our relationship is better now.

But I think it is better to just shut up and be. I want to believe what people are telling me and just go along with it. It is better to listen and care about what people are saying. I find that truly listening to people, is really really hard though. I'm always thinking of what I want to say next.

Scary, but true...

How do I just shut the f*@k up and be?

You're not supposed to. You're an E. lol

 

[PinkIceTD]

I noticed this during my teenage years...as an ENFP.

Several things Ive noticed about talking:

I feel like I am compelled to talk a lot to demonstrate my knowledge, and be whitty, and entertaining. I make a lot of jokes, because I am being somewhat defensive, its a way of protecting myself, because I expect to be humiliated and exposed. Silence, or pockets of silence are uncomfortable.
Arguing is uncomfortable. My father was very critical, and I did not get a lot of approval, so I created a lot of defensive conversational style. I find it hard to believe what people are saying. Growing up with two ITJ parents did not help, but our relationship is better now.

But I think it is better to just shut up and be. I want to believe what people are telling me and just go along with it. It is better to listen and care about what people are saying. I find that truly listening to people, is really really hard though. I'm always thinking of what I want to say next.

Scary, but true...

How do I just shut the f*@k up and be?

Amen.

 

[E.Thomas]

Hm. I did not read the entire thread, but a large percentage of my bonding with ISTJs has to do with time. It definitely took me a while to feel close to them. This is a foreign method of bonding to me because with other types I can usually speed up the intimacy process through verbal communication.

The feeling of connection I have with ISTJs is mostly based on a string of (in-person) shared experiences (often involving others) over the course of a few years. It seems to me that the level of commitment and loyalty that sets in has to do with how long you have known them. When I talk to ISTJs about why they consider so-and-so their best friend, I am often told, "Well, I have known him/her my whole life!" A defining connecting point. It definitely seems to carry weight.

Perhaps, ISTJs can feel connected to me (ENFP) based on shared activities alone, but I don't start to feel connected to them unless we have shared activities together over the course of time.

Maybe the ISTJs can provide more insight on this thought. This is just what I have observed.

Quite the opposite for me. My two closest friends, one very much an E the other an I, happened so fast I don't even remember it. My time is too valuable to spend years deciding if someone is my best friend. They either represent the same ideals and morals as I do, or not.

 

[fishingdude]

Male or female ISTJs how do you bond with friends, gf/bf, husband/wife? I know that I am able to bond with people by talking, sharing information or giving advice, but as I've recently learned ISTJs aren't big on talking about personal/emotional stuff. So what type of things make you feel as if you have a connection with another human being? WHat type of things help you to trust another person?

First of all, you have to do something with me that's free of distraction and people. Like fishing or chess or something like that. One on one time is the only way to get an ISTJ to open up. I'm a statue when people I don't know are around, but when it's just me and you, I'll loosen up a bit. I'll probably ask you a lot of questions to see if you check out or not. If you appear to be genuine and not a threat, then and only then, I'll let you in. This must be some kind of self preservation thing built into us.

 

[Dali]

Being quiet with someone.

+1

Me and my closest pal (an ISTJ) spend a lot of our time together saying absolutely nada.

One more thing that we've bonded over is our similar dry (but non-cruel*cough*un-INTP*cough*) wit.

 

[saieditor]

Quiet time alone sounds like a good tip for relationships (romantic bonding) with ISTJs.

 

[Cimarron]

No? This was a question I really wasn't sure how to answer. But that one seems right...

 

[saieditor]

No, you are spot on. I thought that was very funny answer, the E's think it's quiet time alone with them.

The I's think its quiet time alone.

 

[Cimarron]

Oh wow, that was a funny subtle difference there. That puts my post that you quoted in a different context...

 

[saieditor]

Quite the opposite for me. My two closest friends, one very much an E the other an I, happened so fast I don't even remember it. My time is too valuable to spend years deciding if someone is my best friend. They either represent the same ideals and morals as I do, or not.

I think you are right on the nail with that observation. With ISTJ's good friends suddenly happen, and they are few and far between.

 

[Anja]

Okay sorry, I had to be a biiit silly. But games seem to be the best in my opinion when it comes to my ISTJ friend. Common interests tend to help, and games are easy emotion-devoid ways of connecting to people in a lighthearted manner so it's convenient for either party.

My ISTJ husband and I get along the best when we at at play. This year I ran across a statement which confirmed this in the MBTI literature.

It's easy for him to slip into a daily routine which becomes a rut and my personality seems to help pull him out of it.

 

[PinkIceTD]

Well the E's only think that because Bella said "Being quiet with someone."

 

[d@v3]

I think you are right on the nail with that observation. With ISTJ's good friends suddenly happen, and they are few and far between.

^ Sounds like something I would say! At any rate, I agree. I also agree with what I think someone else said earlier on the thread: friendships also seem to happen when ISTJ's are forced to be with other people- at work,maybe even in class (as long as someone else initiates the conversation), especially in stressful situations such as during combat when it forces the ISTJ's to use their J and communicate to others what to do.

 

[Cimarron]

If I ask your advice to help me make a decision, it's a sign that I'm starting to trust you and your judgment. We are bonding. This might be true for IJ (Introverted Judgers) in general, though.

 

[d@v3]

Sorry if Iam repeating but, to give you a scenario of what I think Bella means is, a good place to "bond" with your ISTJ friend is to talk one on one in the car ride home. Or in another place where there is noone else to bother or listen in on the conversation. But remember, YOU have to take the initiative.

However, don't use the above scenario to pummel the ISTJ with questions nor should you make small talk. Make sure your conversations have an objective. Don't be afraid to make obvious statements and don't be afraid to be blunt- just be considerate, don't back the ISTJ into a corner with your questioning because it would inevitably put them on the defensive.

Not sure how other ISTJ's feel about this scenario but that is what I would like if I were your ISTJ friend.

 

[Habba]

I don't see how that "quiet" thing is supposed to work. Two people just sitting around the table, doing nothing? I'd find it awkward.

Sharing common activities, especially games and work, works for me. Schedules are just fine for the ISTJ, atleast I find it much more "emotional-safe" option, than suggesting a spontaneous meeting with someone personally. This kinda gives the ISTJ an excuse for the meeting, rather than openly admitting he likes the company. At least I would find it difficult to suggest something like: "Hey, you are a nice person! How about if you come to my place and we watch some movie and stuff?"

And of course, the fewer people involved, the better. One-on-one is the most suited form for us ISTJs, because this way we can truly control what's happening.

I don't mind someone telling me about his/her emotions, but they shouldn't expect me to do the same. And actually, I feel that it's easier to talk about emotions if the other person has opened the game already. So I'm expecting them to make the initiate, but still hoping for a gentle one.

 

[Cimarron]

I don't see how that "quiet" thing is supposed to work. Two people just sitting around the table, doing nothing? I'd find it awkward.

Me too, actually. Probably because I almost always have a feeling that the other person "expects" me to start talking.

 

[Habba]

Me too, actually. Probably because I almost always have a feeling that the other person "expects" me to start talking.

Even though I'm not a chatty person, I try to keep the conversation up... well, atleast if the other person doesn't look like he's bored of me, or doesn't want to talk anymore.

But I avoid small talk! If I have to talk, I want to be of some use at least.

 

[Cimarron]

Even though I'm not a chatty person, I try to keep the conversation up...

But I avoid small talk! If I have to talk, I want to be of some use at least.

I try to, I just usually fail at it. I need an extrovert to help me out.

And I agree about the small talk.