[ISTJ] How do ISTJs flirt?

[raz]

That's exactly how I am. If a girl is on my mind, she's on 90% of my mind. It's hard to get her off and she starts affecting every thought. Best example was when I was checking this girl out at my store the other evening. I noticed her before she came to the counter, and she wasn't THAT attractive, but enough to catch my attention. She asked me a question about a sale, and her mother was at the counter, too. I could barely make it through the answer. Her mother kept noticing that I was completely failing at answering her and bagging something at the same time.

I'm getting better at it though. Usually, I just have to pick a flaw, and focus on it. It'll turn me off of her so I can focus. Shallow, yeah, but that's how my mind works.

We're cold and critical to anyone who hasn't gained our respect yet. But, once you gain my respect, and if you can do it, gain my admiration, I'll be a puddle around you. From the time I meet someone until the time I've found a reason to respect them as a person, every second I'm with them is judgment mode. I'm watching your every action to find fault with it. I think about what you're doing. What's motivating you to do what you're doing? What are you going to gain from doing it? Is there something else you're not doing to do that?

Everyone in my life, I compartmentalize my opinion of them. I'd have to say it's like a filing system of opinions. Why are you who you are? What do I like about you? What do I not like? Do you have some incessant habit that grates on my nerves? I will remember everything. People find my memory creepy, though. That hurts my feelings. Really, it does.

 

[PinkIceTD]

I'm not answering for Fishingdude, but yes, it just plain makes me uncomfortable, even if I like the girl. I hear it coming and I think, "oh, I really don't want to put my nerves through that..." Sometimes I miss the "clue" anyway, though.

I know this puts us in the Boring column. "You mean I can't flirt with a guy I like, where's the fun in that?" If I can calm down and get closer to her first, then I'll probably be more comfortable with it. I guess.

So just trying to understand, are you saying that flirting is a turn off? Because, I've noticed my friend's discomfort when I flirt heavily with him, but most of time I can't help it it's kind of natural to be flirty. Are you at least flattered when women flirt with you?

 

[Cimarron]

If a girl is on my mind, she's on 90% of my mind. It's hard to get her off and she starts affecting every thought. ...
She asked me a question about a sale, and her mother was at the counter, too. I could barely make it through the answer. Her mother kept noticing that I was completely failing at answering her and bagging something at the same time.

Yeah, I agree with you guys about this one. Which is a good thing for the girl, I guess, if she and I ever get to the going-out stage.

So just trying to understand, are you saying that flirting is a turn off? Because, I've noticed my friend's discomfort when I flirt heavily with him, but most of time I can't help it it's kind of natural to be flirty. Are you at least flattered when women flirt with you?

Oh yeah, I'm flattered. That's what I was trying to say. In that sense, I like it. But I guess the biggest part is I can't flirt back. Flirting "heavily" does sound a little strong.

To me, it seems like a lot of people flirt to get closer to someone they like, but for me I'd prefer the other way around: getting closer first, then "flirting" once were in a solid relationship.

So it's not a turn-off. It just puts me in a spot where I don't know what to do, which like we said, is why we may just avoid it and change the subject. The only way it could be a turn-off (and it would be hard to get this far) would be if she kept doing it again and again. I would start to think that she doesn't respect my boundaries after a while.

 

[PinkIceTD]

A Random Anecdote:

I remember once I was flirting with my friend. And I guess in his attempt to flirt back, he said something totally out of character for him and it caught me off guard. My response was to kind of give him a blank look because I was thinking "Did he just say what I think he said" and then I started laughing. he probably thought I was laughing at him. Needless to say, he has NEVER done it again.


He does ask me lots of questions about my interests sometimes. And sometimes when I can tell I'm making him a little uncomfortable he'll either make a random joke or start talking about...spread sheets or something.

LOL, you make flirting heavily sound horrible. You guys are awesome

 

[Cimarron]

A Random Anecdote:

I remember once I was flirting with my friend. And I guess in his attempt to flirt back, he said something totally out of character for him and it caught me off guard. My response was to kind of give him a blank look because I was thinking "Did he just say what I think he said" and then I started laughing. he probably thought I was laughing at him. Needless to say, he has NEVER done it again.

He was kicking himself like crazy for that one. He tried to level with your style.

This doesn't mean he never wants you to flirt with him (necessarily). There is probably a balance you can work out.

 

[raz]

Those ENFJ's get us to do things that we normally don't. Now that I'm really thinking about the ENFJ's in my life, they really bring me out of my shell. A girl I work with that is probably an ENFJ is always trying to get me to do things out of my comfort zone. I don't mean things that will hurt me, just things I normally wouldn't do by myself. I end up saying things around her that surprises me.

 

[Zeldias]

I think ISTJ flirting means looking out for you. My fiancee' used to help me find deals on things I was trying to buy and she would explain things to me that I might have been uncertain about. Just the general sort of "Good looking out" kind of thing.

Also, respect. When my fiancee' (then girl I obnoxiously flirted with) grew to like me, I noticed that she came to respect the things I had to say to her, even if I get all super-flighty and philosophical. When I was a friend, she listened attentively; when I became a love interest, she listened with rapt attention and a small smile, or sometimes just with a penetrating look.

It's like ISTJ flirting is very slight. One thing she did that made me happy, after a long rant from me about playing games and fooling around emotionally (which was a way for me to beat around the bush), I confessed my like for her over a game of Yahoo Pool and she confessed right back to me without issue. She said "Well, it's true, but I wasn't just going to say it."

I think these days she flirts with me with jokes and teasing, which is right up my alley. I flirt with her with overlong, dramatic, poetic soliloquies, which is, oddly enough, right up her alley. We make fun of each other, cuddle up, and I tell her how I don't need Earth, because she's my whole world.

 

[Cimarron]

I think these days she flirts with me with jokes and teasing, which is right up my alley. I flirt with her with overlong, dramatic, poetic soliloquies, which is, oddly enough, right up her alley. We make fun of each other, cuddle up, and I tell her how I don't need Earth, because she's my whole world.

Hah! That's what I thought. Flirting, in the usual teasing and joking sense, happens last in an ISTJ relationship, instead of first.

Nice to meet you; I hope you'll stay and help us. Quite a few NFs are curious about ISTJs in their lives.

 

[firedancer42]

This post reminded me, I have a question for the female ISTJs, to see if they feel the same way I do about this.

What do you think about guys who want to give you friendly hugs? No romance or sexuality involved, just friendliness. You know, how some people think you're being unfriendly if you don't give them a hug goodbye, or something like that?

I have a few female friends, or friends of friends, who do this... I only return the hug because I don't want them to think I'm being unfriendly with them, but in my mind I'm putting a disclaimer on the hug that says "but I don't like you in any special way". Basically, hugs are a bigger deal (more intimate) to me than they are to them, so to me it already kind of implies romance.

I'm with you here, it does seem more intimate to me. That is, except for one of my male friends. He's an ENFP who hugs everyone and is a genuinely great friend to mannyyyy people. Another one of my female friends who is an INXJ is also very close to him and very anti-hugging guys (granted, she just married her high school boyfriend, and would hug him...if he wasn't so anti-PDA...). My INXJ friend would, however, hug our ENFP friend, just like everyone else. Since he's the only guy others really saw the two of us hugging regularly they asked us why and the two of us couldn't really explain it. He was just...different. Because he was SO comfortable with everyone there was ZERO awkwardness.

I have another male friend who is a STRONG type 7, and likely an ISTJ, who doesn't care at all to give "man hugs" to his guy friends but fist bumps girls. Everyone knows this and actually, it seems to be a really good system. He doesn't have to deal with any girls getting the wrong idea if he hugs them or hugs someone else and not them. Of course, if he was dating someone it would be different with them though. He's very charismatic but does get really awkward with girls, making for double awkwardness for both of us while slow dancing once...

But anyway, other than the ENFP male, I'm generally not a big hugger. I will hug other guy friends, but rarelyyyy initiate it. I tend to worry if a guy wants to hug me all the time that they want to be something more...but then the whole inferiority complex deal kicks in and I'm like "nahh, couldn't be." Which is good and bad at different times I suppose. =\

This is probably a good time to mention the subject of the original post about flirting...which I'm a failure at most of the time. I dated one guy for 2 and a half years and since that ended (and after a stupidly long period of "getting over him") I've had a hard time "starting over." My ENFP friend tells me I don't give off any sort of "vibe" that I'm even looking. I guess I'm worried about acting "flirty" and leading on guys I have no attraction to and too afraid to show any kind of major feelings for those I am interested in, not wanting to be rejected. I've also always known I was more of the "marrying type" than the "dating type" really. Like I said, my only relationship was very long term. Curse the over-analyzation of the ISTJs...at least in this area.

 

[Halla74]

Specifically females, but males are okay to know too. I'm just curious.

Most ISTJs are frotteurists, and that's basically the same thing as flirting, but different, allowing the two to be mutually exclusive, yet have common dependencies.

 

[miss fortune]

mine's approach was mixed between blushing while trying to be nice... talking about his life... or if drunk informing me that I should be with him and occasionally looking at my cleavage

I found it adorably awkward and decided that I must have him

 

[Halla74]

... or if drunk informing me that I should be with him and occasionally looking at my cleavage

Subtle fellow, isn't he?!

I found it adorably awkward and decided that I must have him

You are indeed an ESTP. I love awkward weirdness, it makes my neurons fire off, and that's kind of hard to do actually.

 

[miss fortune]

well... it's better than the time that he asked "can I touch your boob please?"

but yeah... there's definitley something about awkward weirdness that brings out my "I just want to cuddle them and protect them and take them home with me forever!" instinct

 

[Giggly]

I have trouble telling when ISTJs, INTJs and ISTPs are flirting.

 

[swordpath]

there's definitley something about awkward weirdness that brings out my "I just want to cuddle them and protect them and take them home with me forever!" instinct

I'm lousy as hell at flirting. I gots no game.

 

[TickTock]

I have trouble telling when ISTJs, INTJs and ISTPs are flirting.

So true. INTJs and ISTPs just try being nice and agreeable, and wonder why its not picked up on ( I mean how does anyone else know they're usually mean) and ISTJs get nervous.

 

[miss fortune]

I'm lousy as hell at flirting. I gots no game.

obviously you need to start hanging out with ESxPs who will find you adorable for that and will happily do most of the picking up themselves because of it

 

[Giggly]

So true. INTJs and ISTPs just try being nice and agreeable, and wonder why its not picked up on ( I mean how does anyone else know they're usually mean) and ISTJs get nervous.

I think INTPs get nervous too but they unknowingly amplify their quirkiness and that is the dead give-away.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

I flirt naturally. If I like a guy, I just go for him.

How? I´ll sum it up to these: direct eye-contact, subtle body language, and taking control of the conversation, with confidence, wit, and, sense of humour.

And, having a "plan B" in case that my tried and true techniques do not work. Which is rare.

No weird or silly pick-up lines, or obscene facial gestures for me.

 

[raz]

Mine is a mix between the not very subtle, "well, we should just be in the hot tub already" or "I think me and you need to be cuddling, let's go" and extreme teasing which leads to criticism. There's a certain girl that sets off all of my emotions but it is completely off limits. She knows I like her and our conversations turn into constantly criticizing her. I can't help it.

I flirt but don't take it further than that. I'm not much into dating. I just don't get the point. I'd rather find a hobby to invest time into than spend time on a date with someone that I barely know. It's weighing the amount of fun of each. Conversing with a stranger that I'm only sexually attracted to and likely share little common interests with is about as interesting as poking a skunk with a stick. I'd rather do my own thing and just wait to see if a relationship evolves spontaneously and naturally.