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  1. #61
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I am also awaiting a response...



    I've wondered this...
    Seeing as how ISTJ's thoroughly rely on past experiences... would they ever return after a breakup?
    Personally, no. I'm not one to do the breakup/get-back-together cycle. Once I have determined it "hopeless" I drop all interest. I guess it would deal with the past experience as well. The thought process would be, "This didn't work then, this, more than likely, wont work now. As soon as I spot one consistency with said problem prior to getting back 'together' I am out."

    Can't speak for all, however.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  2. #62
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    eww this is a little tough to answer. We had some probs. that we couldn't overcome, there were very big communication difficulties. I wish that hadn't bothered me so much but it did, deeply. We worked on those, that didn't split us up per se. It was very hard work bridging that divide though and mostly initiated by me because it wasn't something of interest to him. It did put me off for a while cos it was so tiring. But I've come back around to thinking (hoping) if someone is willing to do their own share of work in the relationship as needed then it could work out. And the INFJ can over-tinker with the relationship, let's face it. I definitely don't do that anymore and I stopped doing that in that relationship.

    I think there's a really strong attraction for INFJs to ISTJs. I think whether or not it's warranted, an INFJ may feel somewhat unheard and disconnected from an ISTJ in a relationship because we seem to have very different ways of going about things in terms of day to day living. This is just what I think after one relationship with one ISTJ.
    Oh my word, I can see that happening. That's what I'm scared of the most about any future, serious relationships - communication. Mine's not so good.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  3. #63
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP
    I've wondered this...
    Seeing as how ISTJ's thoroughly rely on past experiences... would they ever return after a breakup?
    If I had dumped her? It would probably take a lot to convince me it's worth another shot, and I don't think it would be the same as the first time. But that's all speculation.

    I guess that sounds pretty general...
    Last edited by Cimarron; 10-19-2008 at 08:05 AM. Reason: on topic
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  4. #64
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    You know what my ISTJ brother-in-law did? He would invite my sister over to watch tv with him. It took quite a while for my sister to realize that he thought they were "dating". It's kind of cute, really.
    My good friend and neighbor that lives right above me in an identical apartment is a definite ISTJ... Pretty awkward socially. Very direct at most things... He got lucky a few months back. He's dating a very smart and horribly beautiful girl... But it started out as them watching TV I think they abandoned that about a month back, though. I've heard moans and stuff, and he gets all red when I ask how things are progressing.

    Mightier than the tread of marching armies is the power of an idea whose time has come

  5. #65
    Rats off to ya! Mort Belfry's Avatar
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    If they're anything like my ISTJ mother; the answer is giggle like a idiot.
    Why do we always come here?

    I guess we'll never know.

    It's like a kind of torture,
    To have to watch this show.

  6. #66
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I am also awaiting a response...



    I've wondered this...
    Seeing as how ISTJ's thoroughly rely on past experiences... would they ever return after a breakup?
    I guess I need to clarify. We haven't ever dated. It has been discussed and I've been given the whole 'Time will tell' line. I've completely fallen for him, but he is in a spot right now where he's trying really hard to just be happy on his own, and a relationship with anyone right now apparently seems completely off 'the list' (which it sounds like a lot of ISTJs have). We've been friends, hanging out together and texting a lot for almost two years, but he never made a move and me, being an INTJ of course didn't even realize that I was falling for him through the whole thing.

    Suffice it to say that one night we... broke from our 'friend' tradition, had a great night and thought we could continue on that path without actually being in a 'relationship'. For me it just didn't work, even though I thought I'd be OK with it and in the midst of trying to change my opinion of him I realized that I was actually in love with him and he has said before that he also has feelings for me. The bottom line is that it just isn't possible right now for him.

    We kind of have 'unfinished business' as far as I'm concerned, since I know we both like each other, and when I basically walked away for a few weeks after telling him that I was in love with him and getting his 'I can't do a relationship right now' response, he sent me a text to let me know that I 'had been in his thoughts'.

    At this point I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to be the thorn in his side, constantly reminding him that I'm waiting for him to finish whatever he's trying to accomplish. But I also don't want to end up in a situation where he forever and evermore insists that we remain just friends while I don't move on with my life because I'm waiting around for him, hoping he'll change his mind. This is where the Feeling/Thinking war comes in... the 'INTJ Turmoil'. Logic says that I need to walk away and if he gets to a point where he wants a relationship with me, he'll come find me. The Feeling side wants to just sit down on the floor and cry, knowing that this is exactly what I'm going to do.

    Embrace the possibilities.

  7. #67
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    At this point I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to be the thorn in his side, constantly reminding him that I'm waiting for him to finish whatever he's trying to accomplish. But I also don't want to end up in a situation where he forever and evermore insists that we remain just friends while I don't move on with my life because I'm waiting around for him, hoping he'll change his mind. This is where the Feeling/Thinking war comes in... the 'INTJ Turmoil'. Logic says that I need to walk away and if he gets to a point where he wants a relationship with me, he'll come find me. The Feeling side wants to just sit down on the floor and cry, knowing that this is exactly what I'm going to do.

    and this is the crux of my dilemma.

    i'd like to hope that in future relationship endeavors, all ISTJs on this board remember us. Hopefully you will try not to put some unsuspecting girl or guy (seems to be mostly the women though) through this.

  8. #68
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    I guess I need to clarify. We haven't ever dated. It has been discussed and I've been given the whole 'Time will tell' line. I've completely fallen for him, but he is in a spot right now where he's trying really hard to just be happy on his own, and a relationship with anyone right now apparently seems completely off 'the list' (which it sounds like a lot of ISTJs have). We've been friends, hanging out together and texting a lot for almost two years, but he never made a move and me, being an INTJ of course didn't even realize that I was falling for him through the whole thing.

    Suffice it to say that one night we... broke from our 'friend' tradition, had a great night and thought we could continue on that path without actually being in a 'relationship'. For me it just didn't work, even though I thought I'd be OK with it and in the midst of trying to change my opinion of him I realized that I was actually in love with him and he has said before that he also has feelings for me. The bottom line is that it just isn't possible right now for him.

    We kind of have 'unfinished business' as far as I'm concerned, since I know we both like each other, and when I basically walked away for a few weeks after telling him that I was in love with him and getting his 'I can't do a relationship right now' response, he sent me a text to let me know that I 'had been in his thoughts'.

    At this point I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to be the thorn in his side, constantly reminding him that I'm waiting for him to finish whatever he's trying to accomplish. But I also don't want to end up in a situation where he forever and evermore insists that we remain just friends while I don't move on with my life because I'm waiting around for him, hoping he'll change his mind. This is where the Feeling/Thinking war comes in... the 'INTJ Turmoil'. Logic says that I need to walk away and if he gets to a point where he wants a relationship with me, he'll come find me. The Feeling side wants to just sit down on the floor and cry, knowing that this is exactly what I'm going to do.

    Wow, that is so tough. I don't know if this fits your guy, but have you ever read about "Ambivalent Men"? There's a little bit out there, it's quite illuminating if it fits for him. If you want my opinion, as I also have a war going on inside between the idealist and the realist... ultimately he is setting the tone of all of this... you're going to be doomed to waiting around for him to be ready - if he is ever ready. Presuming he is not an "Ambivalent Man" in which case he will love having you around but he'll never really reciprocate, (unless he does a lot of work to break his own patterns.)

    You're in love with him, you can't just be friends. I think sometimes you have to look out for your future self, if that makes sense. Also, while *ahem* 'going there' with someone can make it hurt even more, (dear god yes) in some ways it allows you not to sugar-coat it and think "if only". Anyway, that's just what I think and I would be asking myself what this is really costing me... I feel for you tho.

  9. #69
    No me digas, che! Recoleta's Avatar
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    For the ladies out there that are hurting because your ISTJ male won't budge, I think you need to step up and let your voice be heard. If you're at the point where you know they have feelings for you, then IMO it's not fair for them to call all the shots about when it is and is not an appropriate time for a relationship. Of course there are exceptions and special circumstances that places them in a position where a relationship would really not be viable, but if you think they're copping out on you, don't be afraid to call them out on it.

    For me (which, this may be different because I am a female) if I know I truly love someone I don't care how busy I am, I make room in my life for them. The only time I use the whole, "I'm not going to change my schedule for you" is when I am not in love with the other person, and I really don't see myself in a future relationship with them. That's what happened with the guy who was a boxer in my earlier post. I felt like a complete jerk for distancing myself like that, but something didn't feel right, and I knew I didn't love him, so I cut the ties and made myself unavailable.

    I think one good way to get to an ISTJ is to write them a letter than outlines very logically the way they make you feel, and the reasons for why and how they are hurting you emotionally. ISTJ's hate disappointing people, and like even less hurting those they are close to. With ISTJs, you need to be very direct and unwavering. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings or stepping on their toes...they'll get over it. By writing them a letter (trust me), they will read it over and over like a thousand times picking apart everything you say and will likely go into crazy analyzation-mode within their own lives. It might be the only way to get into their thick skulls. Say everything you want to say to them...they'll likely thank you for it. Then, give them time to mull over it, but tell them you want to hear back from them. If they are open to talking about it, it's a good sign. If they remain rigid and unwavering once you've shared your feelings cut your losses and move on.

    Any ISTJ guys wanna verify that for me? Do you think that is a good idea?

  10. #70
    Senior Member moonbaby's Avatar
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    Recoleta,

    Two things:


    1. Your INTJ. He is going to be very similar to you, though I think the difference is he isn't as caught up in the moment as much. ISTJ's seem more caught in the moment.
    My question, do you have any physical contact at all? If he touches you, it is very purposeful. The few other INTJs I know are only physically affectionate to someone they have deep feelings for. To me, it is a sign or invitation to touch me in return. Kiss him if so...


    2. I did just what you said to do with a very detailed letter back when my situation 'blew up'.
    A. Letter stating I was hurt by his reaction and choice of sharp words. He explained his position, told me how he felt about me appologised.
    B. Sent letter stating I wished him all good things and I was departing communication perhaps we could be friends in time stating I didn't think I was appropriate in his life with a recociliation. He still contacted me and told me he would ask God to forgive his unpure thoughts but never for forgiveness of the relationship and that he didn't pick his spouses friends and she is not going to pick his.
    C. After a few days of awkward communicating I sent another, wishing him good things yet not slamming the door closed so hard thinking it would allow him to give it time and not immediately contact me.
    Honestly, I don't think I could not answer him. We agreed a few years ago no matter what, we would always be in the others life.

    Now, he has begun the endearment dropping, though not formally (like an email etc). Since I took the last one and copy and pasted it in a formal communication (alone, no other words) he hasn't dropped any more, though purposely in my personal area when there is no need to be, commenting/kudos on my work and always, always defending my points if questioned by any other...he rushes in out of the blue on his white horse.

    So, I am left to wonder...what does all this mean. I laid it all down, he has all my thoughts and words.

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