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  1. #1
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Default Understanding Male ISTJ Minds

    So I am an ENFP female, and I have this ISTJ friend that I feel strongly attracted to.

    Iíve been friends with him for about 10 months now and I have learned so much about him in that time. First, he is so structured to the point of annoyance. He plans everything, including fun. For the most part I really admire this about him because as Iím more ďgo with the flowĒ and he must have a plan and I think that makes him focused. So, I admire that.

    What I am attracted to most in him is that he is complete opposite of me yet we have similar interests and goals on nearly every level.

    Anyway, almost right away, I was ready to date him and I approached him. He said ďnoĒ and nothing else. So, I backed off a little and just started talking to him a little every day and I learned that he isnít going to do ANYTHING that he doesnít think about and come to a conclusion about on his own, but when he does he shows up fully. He is a man of his word.

    So I havenít brought up dating to him in nearly 5 or 6 months so 2 days ago, he brought it up. He explained to me that he works a lot (which he does, about 4 jobsÖcrazy) and he is about to buy a home. But that he wants to date me, and canít see where in the long run how I will tolerate for very long his crazy schedule. And based on his past relationships the women end up resenting him because of it.

    Itís pretty rare that he shares any thoughts or feelings beyond surface emotion so I was caught off guard and didnít say much.

    Today, I brought it up again, because not to kill a dead horse, but I felt as if we didnít really finish the conversationÖI asked him what he wanted, or what the ideal dating situation for him would beÖ and he said well Iíve dealt with this before and women all say the same thing but you all end up hating me because I donít have time. And basically I told him that I understand what heís telling me and I have been waiting for him for 10 months and I want to at least try it, or I can wait, or I can move on.

    He said nothing expect, I have to go, but have a good night and Iíll talk to you later. And I was already pretty nervous having this convo with him, and when he said that I got flustered and said ok laterÖ

    So now Iím confused. I think he wants to think about what I said and come to me on some later date with his answer, but I donít understandÖ was he nervous, or did I make him uncomfortable with my openness, or did he just not care?

    Obviously as an ENFP, my thought process or the way I perceive him may be totally wrong. How can I better understand this ISTJ male?

  2. #2
    Per Ardua Metamorphosis's Avatar
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    I don't want to be a dick since I don't really know the whole situation, but this is what I see.

    He's attracted to you, but too insecure to really do anything.
    You're attracted to him because he's not doing anything (inadvertently teasing you)
    "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

    Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office
    than to serve and obey them. - David Hume

  3. #3
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    So I am an ENFP female, and I have this ISTJ friend that I feel strongly attracted to.

    Iíve been friends with him for about 10 months now and I have learned so much about him in that time. First, he is so structured to the point of annoyance. He plans everything, including fun. For the most part I really admire this about him because as Iím more ďgo with the flowĒ and he must have a plan and I think that makes him focused. So, I admire that.

    What I am attracted to most in him is that he is complete opposite of me yet we have similar interests and goals on nearly every level.

    Anyway, almost right away, I was ready to date him and I approached him. He said ďnoĒ and nothing else. So, I backed off a little and just started talking to him a little every day and I learned that he isnít going to do ANYTHING that he doesnít think about and come to a conclusion about on his own, but when he does he shows up fully. He is a man of his word.
    Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD
    So I havenít brought up dating to him in nearly 5 or 6 months so 2 days ago, he brought it up. He explained to me that he works a lot (which he does, about 4 jobsÖcrazy) and he is about to buy a home. But that he wants to date me, and canít see where in the long run how I will tolerate for very long his crazy schedule. And based on his past relationships the women end up resenting him because of it.

    Itís pretty rare that he shares any thoughts or feelings beyond surface emotion so I was caught off guard and didnít say much.

    Today, I brought it up again, because not to kill a dead horse, but I felt as if we didnít really finish the conversationÖI asked him what he wanted, or what the ideal dating situation for him would beÖ and he said well Iíve dealt with this before and women all say the same thing but you all end up hating me because I donít have time. And basically I told him that I understand what heís telling me and I have been waiting for him for 10 months and I want to at least try it, or I can wait, or I can move on.

    He said nothing expect, I have to go, but have a good night and Iíll talk to you later. And I was already pretty nervous having this convo with him, and when he said that I got flustered and said ok laterÖ

    So now Iím confused. I think he wants to think about what I said and come to me on some later date with his answer, but I donít understandÖ was he nervous, or did I make him uncomfortable with my openness, or did he just not care?

    Obviously as an ENFP, my thought process or the way I perceive him may be totally wrong. How can I better understand this ISTJ male?
    I think you've got the right idea. I say definitely give it some time. It shouldn't take him anywhere near another half year, but I think he'll get back to you with his thoughts in a reasonable manner. Depending on how you came back to the conversation may have been emotionally hard on him or spiked his emotions to uncomfortable levels, thus his quick exit to calm down or celebrate in secret, lol.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Ok you have my full attention and then some. Your post is soooo familiar to me in so many ways. He will talk with you later about it. On his time schedule. And I think if you date this man you should expect things to move very slowly for some time.
    And oh let me see, there are some good tips on this board for dealing with this type.
    I found them to be quite handy actually.
    Good luck and contact me anytime if you want to talk more. I am six months into the most fascinating relationship I have ever experienced with an ISTJ man.

  5. #5
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    ArbiterDewey already covered good points.

    So now Iím confused. I think he wants to think about what I said and come to me on some later date with his answer, but I donít understandÖ was he nervous, or did I make him uncomfortable with my openness, or did he just not care?
    Hard to tell if he cares, but I think you made a good observation that he went out of his way to share his feelings with you. Now, depending on how you brought this topic back up, you might have surprised him. If you just switched to it too suddenly, he was probably not ready for it...

    If he has feelings for you, it was probably completely out of nervousness. First thing is just to let him think things through, I would say.

    Edit: As Batumi says, don't expect this relationship to move quickly. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! (You know, if things get that far.)
    Last edited by Cimarron; 10-09-2008 at 02:51 AM. Reason: Batumi
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  6. #6
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    PinkIce, what was the reason given behind his initial "no" answer? Was it his busy schedule or was there even one stated?

    Does he give any signs ever that suggest he has more than friendly feelings toward you? Needless to say, I bet he feels fortunate to have you in his life. One of my best friends is a female ENFP. You guys rock and bring a good element in an ISTJ relationship. Kind of like sunshine .

    Commitment can be hard when it comes to romantic interest. I guess we want to make sure all our ducks are lined up and that things aren't going to go to shit. We're cautious and very analytical typically. As for his situation, I really don't know though. It could be anything...

  7. #7
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    I can relate to you here. I'm currently in a 'stall pattern' with an ISTJ. We've been friends for a year and a half, worked together for much of that time, and eventually I ended up developing feelings for him. I'd read some tentative 'I'm interested' vibes from him on occasion but the first time the idea of dating came up he responded with a 'let time decide' kind of answer.

    As a J, it seems that the whole 'leave it up in the air' thing would have been frustrating for him (I know it was for me) but he seemed to be very at peace with the idea. In work aspects, he's very decisive and quick to make things happen, but on a personal level he's very skittish.

  8. #8
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    I totally fed this to my ex-gf a lot. The "I don't know where things are going, time will tell" sort of thing. I frustrated the hell out her... :/

    I don't know what we're waiting on when this happens, but like I said, it's that commitment when we aren't set that makes us feel uneasy.

    PinkIce, it could just be that he is legitimately busy and doesn't want to make a commitment when he fears that it won't work out in the long run. I can be a cop out myself in a few areas in life, where if I'm not confident in the success of something, I'll just throw it out or put it off.

  9. #9
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    ...
    So now Iím confused. I think he wants to think about what I said and come to me on some later date with his answer, but I donít understandÖ was he nervous, or did I make him uncomfortable with my openness, or did he just not care?

    Obviously as an ENFP, my thought process or the way I perceive him may be totally wrong. How can I better understand this ISTJ male?
    He's saying he's not planning on making time for you in his schedule.

  10. #10
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    i really do believe him when he said what he did, and it seems a typical ISTJ thing, and I am pretty certain that he will do as much as possible to make an eventual relationship work
    good luck with it, ISTJ's are really great people if you know how to handle them

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