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[ISTJ] Understanding Male ISTJ Minds

PinkIceTD

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I think there is a communication error here. Direct and blunt does not mean without emotion or consideration. I am saying, you will know where you stand with me. There will be no confusion. My words and actions will match. With him, who I adore/admire/respect I get words that do not match his actions. If you take note...in these threads, there is a lot of confusion by those who care for istj's because of the signs/words/actions...or lack of them. I relate on a lot of levels, however you will never wonder if I care about you or not. ISTJ's seem to veil that, leaving a lot of confusion.
That makes it very difficult to build a bridge...no matter how badly I desire to do so.

You said it perfectly. The words and actions must match for the message to be clear that's like saying "go away" while pulling me closer.
 

moonbaby

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You said it perfectly. The words and actions must match for the message to be clear that's like saying "go away" while pulling me closer.

that would be a good thread.......we should start it. The push pull of the ISTJ. :devil:...
 

d@v3

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Bacl to the Loyalty Idea-

I remember a few girls who would act as if they liked me in fact, one even went to dinner with me! (although it "wasn't a date" according to her) things went well for a month or two then I went to Philadelphia one weekend to pick up a new car and when I came back she was gone!:shock: Needless to say, I DIDN'T feel good about myself. I even brought her back a nice gold necklace from Gettysburg! :cry: I threw it in the trash- that is the worst feeling in the world for me, therefore a major thing for me is loyalty- the only way a girl will get rid of me is if she says (or shows in some obvious way) that she is no longer interested or if she cheats on me. I HATE taking risks! That is why we ISTJ's need to find people who will NOT say one thing or act one way, then end up leaving us. ;)
 

Cimarron

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Yup, when I get down to the root of it, taking risks is one of the most frightening things in the world to me.
 

Spectre of the spam

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Heck, I was TERRIFIED of going to a new junior high a few years back. I would rather have DIED. I think if I had been fifty I might have had a heart attack. I'm more mellow now, but that residual fear of new things is still there. Keep the statis quo for me.
 

d@v3

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I went to a Christian (protestant) school and when High school hit, I was dumped into a catholic school, needless to say it was not my cup of tea. I lasted two weeks then was shipped out to the public school system from which I originally started. I lost all my friends because of the distance between the schools and when I got to the public school- I was horrified. I saw all my old public school pals with heavy substance abuse and violence. I saw a broken system and it was something I wanted no part of, unless it was to help fix it. THerefore, I remained quiet and didn't do much for the rest of my time in high school.

I actually was going to attempt to go to prom though, hearing about how people were spending $500 on limos and crap like that sounded insane to me- so I thought I would stick to driving. I asked a girl I was interested in since I transferred back to go with me and she said no of course, then she said "well, if you asked before i might have gone with you". Maybe she said that just to keep me guessing? Anyway, I never went to prom.

Now I have a bigger issue- one of my sisters is getting married and guess whos going to be "in the wedding"?! My loyalty to my family (sister) is getting in my way of "letting her go" get married to this guy I feel I don't trust!
 

Cimarron

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Okay, new question. I hate hogging threads, but this has been bugging me. (I pasted it from my thread in the NF Personal Forum....)

This has happened with two girls before: one was a few years ago, and we were friends until I asked her out, she turned me down, and started treating me differently (see below); the other one is now, someone who I really don't know well, but I just kind of have a small crush on, and I think she figured that out, and now she treats me differently--a lot like the first girl, actually. The one now is someone I will still see in a group setting anyway.

Once they realized I liked them, they would become a lot more blunt and straightforward when talking to me. This is usually kind of embarrassing, (since they often like to do this in front of other people) and I get the feeling they do it that way on purpose. From some angles, you might even say it looks like they're being playful in a mean way, like the way you might pick on a little brother, maybe. The girl from the past liked to use it as a wild card, like she had some dirt on me now.

Now that probably sounds worse than it actually is, but that's the general situation.

Does this sound familiar to any of you girls (or anybody)? What's going on here?
 

swordpath

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Girls have been letting me down lately. Where are the interested yet not fickle and frivolous ones at?
 

substitute

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Cimarron, if someone finds out you like them in that way and they don't feel the same, it's extremely rare that it doesn't affect the dynamic between you, this is almost always the case with everyone. In the case of women, it can usually go one of two ways: either they become more gentle and soft, not wanting to hurt your feelings, or more blunt and direct, not wanting to give you reason to believe they like you more than they do, or to be accused of leading you on, giving false hope etc.

In both cases, they are actually demonstrating that they care about you at least in a platonic way, otherwise they wouldn't bother considering your feelings or how their actions affected you at all.
 

Cimarron

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it's extremely rare that it doesn't affect the dynamic between you
Sure, that just makes sense.
either they become more gentle and soft, not wanting to hurt your feelings, or more blunt and direct, not wanting to give you reason to believe they like you more than they do, or to be accused of leading you on, giving false hope etc.
I guess I'm just not used to getting Treatment #2 above. But that also makes sense.
In both cases, they are actually demonstrating that they care about you at least in a platonic way, otherwise they wouldn't bother considering your feelings or how their actions affected you at all.
Well, I think you may be romanticizing this a bit. Maybe (I kind of hope) this was the case with the girl who acted this way years ago. With the recent girl, it's not like I know her that well, but maybe it is still true in a milder way...

Thanks for helping out.
 
Last edited:

d@v3

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Okay, new question. I hate hogging threads, but this has been bugging me. (I pasted it from my thread in the NF Personal Forum....)

This has happened with two girls before: one was a few years ago, and we were friends until I asked her out, she turned me down, and started treating me differently (see below); the other one is now, someone who I really don't know well, but I just kind of have a small crush on, and I think she figured that out, and now she treats me differently--a lot like the first girl, actually. The one now is someone I will still see in a group setting anyway.

Once they realized I liked them, they would become a lot more blunt and straightforward when talking to me. This is usually kind of embarrassing, (since they often like to do this in front of other people) and I get the feeling they do it that way on purpose. From some angles, you might even say it looks like they're being playful in a mean way, like the way you might pick on a little brother, maybe. The girl from the past liked to use it as a wild card, like she had some dirt on me now.

Now that probably sounds worse than it actually is, but that's the general situation.

Does this sound familiar to any of you girls (or anybody)? What's going on here?

Yes, this has happened to me EVERY time, (well, at LEAST 90% of the times I have asked). The girl usually says something along the lines of "I don't want to ruin our friendship" even though I know very well I already did (at least change it) by asking! Indeed they usually become blunt and mean, and i guess sometimes they will feel sorry for you and speak more softly, but that's never happened to me! :doh:

Usually if you ask and they say no, it's a loose loose situation and they will be more "cautious" around you. Does this sound like your situation?
 
B

beyondaurora

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This thread has brought me closer to inner healing. The comments by NF's and responses by ISTJ's completely describe my relationship with my ex-husband - I don't even have to elaborate in the slightest.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
 

PinkIceTD

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This thread has brought me closer to inner healing. The comments by NF's and responses by ISTJ's completely describe my relationship with my ex-husband - I don't even have to elaborate in the slightest.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

aww, that's great. I'm also very thankful that it wasn't just me. I'm glad that we have a place to be open so that we can try and better understand each other.:blush:
 

ArbiterDewey

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This has happened with two girls before: one was a few years ago, and we were friends until I asked her out, she turned me down, and started treating me differently (see below); the other one is now, someone who I really don't know well, but I just kind of have a small crush on, and I think she figured that out, and now she treats me differently--a lot like the first girl, actually. The one now is someone I will still see in a group setting anyway.

Once they realized I liked them, they would become a lot more blunt and straightforward when talking to me. This is usually kind of embarrassing, (since they often like to do this in front of other people) and I get the feeling they do it that way on purpose. From some angles, you might even say it looks like they're being playful in a mean way, like the way you might pick on a little brother, maybe. The girl from the past liked to use it as a wild card, like she had some dirt on me now.

Nothing bugs me more than ruining the "way things were" and never being able to get it back that way. That's been the case most of my life. :ugh:

Rejection simply sucks, especially in this form.
 

Cimarron

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Hey Dewey. What I don't get is whether she (meaning the girl from years ago) still liked me as a friend, or didn't like me at all. It was hard to tell which one.
 

ArbiterDewey

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How goes it Cimarron? It is hard to tell. I think that she may still have liked you as a friend, but with different feelings for each other it may have been too awkward for her to be around you. Honestly I don't know.

I've completely destroyed a friendship by telling a girl how I felt (do note I was trying to steal her from her girlfriend, lol). I can't even call over there now.
 

d@v3

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As an ISTJ, I sometimes find myself thinking the girl should at least let me know why things weren't working out instead of leaving me guessing. In my opinion, that would be the considerate thing to do. However, there have been times where I just think...you know, she doesn't need to explain herself to me. I find myself usually thinking the latter though, and just end up burrying the hatchet myself- sort of a "forgive and forget" attitude.

Of course, there are so many variables in these kinds of situations...
 
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