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  1. #71
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    example: (ISTJ to ENFP: I told you I loved you three weeks ago, why do I have to say it every night, when we talk? Don't you believe me
    LOL!! Sooooo True. This is exact.

    I personally listen for patterns, if I'm expecting someone to say something then when I don't hear it, I sense something is wrong.
    I do the same thing. I immediately ask what's wrong and they're like Nothing.. and I pester and pester cause I'm certain something's wrong!

    I like it when ISTjs show affection through back rubs, or asking how Im feeling, what im thinking. I find them to be good listeners.
    They are awesome at listening.. but their verbal feedback during a 'venting session' isn't so great. I usually get a "I see... man, that sucks. I'm sorry". All i can think is "Come On! I need more than that! Get emotional Like I'm getting emotion right now! BACK ME UP!"

  2. #72
    Per Ardua Metamorphosis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    So I talked to my friend tonight, and he brought it up, but indirectly. He basically said that he thought about it and decided that he wants to be able to "do it right" so he said I'd like to wait. I want him so I guess I gotta wait too.
    I know that sucks.

    Is he actually expecting you and him to just wait without talking to anyone else? That equals all the negative aspects of a relationship with none of the positive ones. Tell him to cowboy up.
    "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

    Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office
    than to serve and obey them. - David Hume

  3. #73
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Is he actually expecting you and him to just wait without talking to anyone else? That equals all the negative aspects of a relationship with none of the positive ones. Tell him to cowboy up.
    From my experience, it is a bad idea to rush an ISTJ or use guilt to try and get your way. if you WITHOUT A DOUBT want to wait for him then don't let him know right now that you feel this is unfair.

    If he sees that you waiting for him is hurting you in anyway. He will view that as "unfair" then he will choose to not have you wait. ISTJs aren't selfish.

    Don't rush him

  4. #74
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by batumi View Post
    It sounds like maybe you encounter him fairly often in some way?
    Yeah, we talk almost everyday. I don't get to see him often, though. He is an excellent phone conversationalist though. I don't even like talking on phones much, I like face to face so I can read body languange...but I can talk to him for hours.

  5. #75
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    From my experience, it is a bad idea to rush an ISTJ or use guilt to try and get your way. if you WITHOUT A DOUBT want to wait for him then don't let him know right now that you feel this is unfair.

    If he sees that you waiting for him is hurting you in anyway. He will view that as "unfair" then he will choose to not have you wait. ISTJs aren't selfish.

    Don't rush him
    Yeah I learned that much the hard way. I don't want to wait but I will because I want him. He sounded very decided when he said that, so I don't EXPECT him to change his mind. But if he does...

  6. #76
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    Yeah, we talk almost everyday. I don't get to see him often, though. He is an excellent phone conversationalist though. I don't even like talking on phones much, I like face to face so I can read body languange...but I can talk to him for hours.
    I'm kind of the opposite. I dislike the telephone, but I am a good conversationalist.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    Yeah I learned that much the hard way. I don't want to wait but I will because I want him. He sounded very decided when he said that, so I don't EXPECT him to change his mind. But if he does...
    lol
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  7. #77
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Alright, assuming I can still use this thread for my problem, I have typed my g/f: ENFJ with BPD. I talked with her quite a bit last night, she was interested enough in reading my type description to want to know her own. She revealed to me after that that she had Borderline Personality Disorder. Read up the BPD link to understand a bulk of my difficulty. I don't know if I can give that much of myself that much of the time. It begins to hurt and feel as though I'm changing just to allow her to feel good, while I'm left feeling like hammered dog shit. I don't know...but I feel bad thinking that.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  8. #78
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    I am reminded of my ISTJ roommate and his decision-making, including those regarding romantic relationships.

    I often ask ISTJ-roommate (with great enthusiasm), "What are you waiting for?!!" And he says (in a dry matter-of-fact tone), "I don't know. It's pending." "Hmm... you have a lot of pending matters, it seems," I say.

    ...

    Sometimes I can convince ISTJ to take a deadline in less pressure-filled situations like switching the cable or continuing our Blockbuster subscription. Usually though, as others have pointed out, he stubbornly works on his own timetable. My theory is he primarily waits because he can only concentrate on one monumental task at a time (which a relationship certainly is).

    Anyway, he took months to tell this girl he wanted to date her. And, it's not like he didn't have the opportunity or that he was afraid to be vulnerable. He just waited. And waited. And waited. For what seemed to be eternal and for no apparent reason. He would come home and sheepishly admit, "Rach, you're going to be disappointed in me... I didn't tell her."

    The reason for waiting is mostly inexplicable, but it does seem to be a trend.
    You know, after I posted the other day, I asked two ISTJ guys that work in my office if they'd ever told a girl that they would 'let time decide' on the relationship front, and both of them admitted to doing it repeatedly.

    I asked them why, since they are both so task-oriented at everything else they would risk losing a woman that they liked by not telling her about it or by dragging out the 'courting' phase for so long. Their response? Because they can't control what the woman thinks. They both agreed wholeheartedly that their opinion doesn't matter in the situations that we're talking about here because they can't make someone else do something.

    It is weird for me to think about pre-relationships in this way... almost as if they are standing still, holding their breath, waiting for some kind of inspiration to strike them when the 'time is right' to proceed. All the while they are watching the woman like a hawk, hoping she hangs around.

    One of them said he had told his good friend that he would 'let time decide' with his current wife. I asked him if he was always 'waiting for the right time' how they eventually ended up together. He said "I sent her a pink teddy bear". Hehehe So apparently, he felt at some point that he could safely make his offer of connecting to her.

    The whole idea seems preposterous to me. I've heard that INTJs want closure and decisions to be made, and maybe this is where the fallout happens, but I have discovered that I am much happier if I simply speak my mind and get it over with rather than holding it in. A kind of 'laying the cards on the table' kind of attitude that says 'Here is your chance, take it or leave it'. If they leave it, it hurts and it takes me a while to deal with the rejection, but I do feel better for at least having said something.

    ISTJ's are weird. :

  9. #79
    No me digas, che! Recoleta's Avatar
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    Sadly, even as a female ISTJ I relate to this thread a lot. I always wait it out until I think it's the right time...and I've never been the first to lay my feelings on the line. Granted, perhaps this is not as "socially unacceptable" for females as it is for males.

  10. #80
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Recoleta View Post
    ...and I've never been the first to lay my feelings on the line.
    My ISTJ friend got ME to bear my heart and soul. That almost never happens

    Originally Posted by PinkIceTD
    So I talked to my friend tonight, and he brought it up, but indirectly. He basically said that he thought about it and decided that he wants to be able to "do it right" so he said I'd like to wait. I want him so I guess I gotta wait too.
    Heres the part where I go 'huh?' I think its hilarious that it was another INTJ who said he needs to 'cowboy up'. Those were my thoughts exactly.

    Who says you have to wait too? One of the things my co-workers said the other day was that they deeply believe in the mentality 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was yours, if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.'

    I would recommend finding a social group, activity or otherwise to occupy your time with. Step back for a while and tone down the frequency and duration of your conversations. In other words, appear to get a life.

    No one says you have to walk away... just go find a shady tree near the path and watch him from a distance for a while.



    Edit: You know, I say this with such confidence because its what I've decided to do with my ISTJ dilemma... but I'm terrified that I'll never hear from him again *sigh*

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