[ISTJ] Understanding Male ISTJ Minds

[moonbaby]

Thank you for sharing that. I truly do appreciate it.
I will tell you what I did do. I have not reacted at all to him. He continues and I just let them slip by. However, he was gone for about 2 weeks...and I went back and took a sentence he left for me and I sent it to his email. Just that sentence, nothing else at all.
He was back one day, and has been gone several since.......not a word. I didnt expect a world right away anyhow as anything emotional he has to sit on a bit.
I wonder what he might be thinking.......

Honestly, I feel like a deer in the headlights. First, I dont care to really sit much longer on the fence, as next year he will have the children in school and I have no formal anything about his leaving.....nothing just small talk. Second, I am afraid it is a hook and if I react it will develop into a whole new part of our relationship with him as a married and happy man (??? not sure about that part) and me as his emotional pacifier for infinity. I cannot do that. It goes against my morals and values...and is self-depreciating at the least. I wouldnt disrespect him that way either.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

Welcome to the forum! Hopefully we can help to some extent.

Hello all,
I have been following this thread as I have been involved with an ISTJ also. I am an INTJ though.......slightly different than those trying to understand as NF's.

I had an off topic question if you dont mind as I am about to go insane with the behavior I am experiencing with this ISTJ.

This ISTJ had been separated/divorcing and then involved with another (me) in an emotional relationship.
During their divorce, the wife became mentally unstable and fearing for their children he reunited with the spouse to stablize the home and agreed to go to counseling to see how things might go (for the sake of the children he claims) yet has continued contact with me the entire time...I told him I would give him the time he needed to make his decision and be sure- knowing it could go either way. This has lasted a couple years, with his implying that as the youngest got into school he would be leaving the marriage. There has been no physical contact as we decided it would be adding more problems and clouding up the issues. We tried to keep it at a friend level as much as possible.

Recently he had a traumatic event in his life and at the same time she (ESFJ) has gotten on medication that helped the mood swings.
When I mentioned something one day at the end of July about how I had been enjoy his relaxing and being so close to me over the prior 2 months-it resulted in his blasting me out of the blue that he is now again in love with his wife and completely minimized our relationship to a friendship with an undertow of feelings (down from where we had discussed our future of being together for the rest of our lives). I respectfully stepped out of the picture and wished him luck and told him in the future perhaps we could be friends though I needed to part ways for a time so I could move on and he could mend his relationship (he understood, though tried to continue to stay in touch). My heart is broken. I have never felt near the feelings for another than I have found for him.

That was a massive emotional reaction; not typical of ISTJ's unless the shit has clearly and accurately hit the fan. I'm inclined to ask how soon after his "traumatic event/medicated ESFJ" did this occur? He seemed clearly overstressed to the point past breaking. He probably didn't include any indicators to his mood until he lashed out, which is also predictably ISTJ in catastrophe-mode.

So now that about a month has gone by with no contact (which is miserable), and suddenly he is being very obvious in words/tokens to me such as telling me I am beautiful etc.......within a group we both belong (a place where no one has ever known about our relationship beyond a very close friendship and where we met-Military/civilian mixed). Which in itself is very odd.....he rarely expressed that even in private.

I am completely confused? Can someone please tell me what might be going on here?

Thank you so much for your help.....if I didnt feel so close to him and have so much invested in time and in emotion I would have left/withdrawn/disappeared by now. I just feel tied to the very core/soul of this man.

Ask him what the deal is up front and directly. Mixed signals are not a fun "game"... Confront him, but be tactful. He may not realize that he hurt you as badly as he did the previous outburst.

We (ISTJ's) occasionally have to do a LOT of repair work after events like those to get things going smoothly again. I wouldn't know this first hand...noooo...lol

 

[quietgirl]

Thank you also for your time and efforts to help me understand.
We have been talking about living together, but not until next summer.

I am pretty nervous about the idea, mostly because it would
be my moving into his home. Whenever he brings it up, I always
silently thank my lease for holding me where I am until summer.

What kinds of obstacles were there when you began living together
and what helped to overcome them?

Well, initially we had to move into his parent's house which was a whole 'nother set of obstacles. However, after that we moved into a new apartment so neither of us had a comfort level there yet. I did find moving into his parents' house difficult because it was "his" environment and I had problems getting comfortable there.

The biggest obstacle I feel we've had is getting used to one another's daily habits. Since we're together every day, we are prone to get annoyed at one another easily. We've both had to learn how to pick our battles. We're trying to get used to the differences between us - he's cleaner & way more organized, I like to have a full refridgerator of groceries while he chooses to get by on the bare minimum to save money, etc. The other obstacle I've personally had is not taking things personally. For example, I worked a really long day yesterday. I picked up some Thai food on the way home from work because I hadn't gotten a chance to eat all day. When I walked through the door, I was literally about to collapse. What did I get greeted with the second I shut the door behind me? "Hey, could you clean up the pile of papers on the counter? It's really driving me nuts." About 6 months ago, I would've gotten REALLY offended & went on a tangent about how neglectful he is to my needs. Now? I just said that I'd do it after I ate my dinner & plopped on the couch to tell him about my day. It really doesn't bother me anymore because I know he means nothing by it.

 

[quietgirl]

Probably "Don't mess up my stuff. Everything is just the way I like it. And if you're going to mess with it, warn me first." I wonder if he's that territorial, or if it's just me.

Thanks to Quietgirl, also, for some more good analysis!

You're welcome!

Yea, my boyfriend's kind of weird about his stuff but it's not too bad. He's super neat and hates seeing my not so neat pile of clothes when he walks in the room, so we switched sides of the closet as a compromise. That way, he doesn't have to see my mess when he walks in the room! Haha. I don't go through his stuff as a matter of respect, though, because I'd hate it if he went through mine.

 

[E.Thomas]

He's saying he's not planning on making time for you in his schedule.

Ding Ding Ding

My last two relationships ended because of this. First time I was made aware that I wasn't planning time or changing my schedule, second time I came right out and said it.

For me, a yes is emphatically a 'yes', but a maybe, hesitation or explanation is most likely a no. He likes you, but knows that he can't or won't make it work. He doesn't want to hurt you by saying 'no' so he is giving you the best reason for you to say no.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

He likes you, but knows that he can't or won't make it work

what the heck Ts?! If you like them, date them! lol

 

[PinkIceTD]

what the heck Ts?! If you like them, date them! lol

LOL

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

what the heck Ts?! If you like them, date them! lol

Heh, it doesn't work that way. The T needs to reason it out, see if you are a good match BEFORE you start dating to find out if the benefits outweigh the risks.

 

[PinkIceTD]

Heh, it doesn't work that way. The T needs to reason it out, see if you are a good match BEFORE you start dating to find out if the benefits outweigh the risks.

But how can you know if you are a good match if you haven't even tried. If you feel attracted to this person you should try then once you have experience then you can do this weighing/reasonig thing to see if you should continue.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Heh, it doesn't work that way. The T needs to reason it out, see if you are a good match BEFORE you start dating to find out if the benefits outweigh the risks.

See, maybe this is where I differ from ENFPs but I do tend to reason out risks and benefits before exclusive dating.. However, if I saw that there was major risks, my heart wouldn't like them. I feel there would be no conflict of Head Vs. Heart (like I questioned in my previous topic posts).

I mean, personally, I can't just go out on dates with people to "See" if there's something there, there already has to be a crush developed. But, I could never really let myself not date someone that i was attracted to without TRYING to see if the problem I am scared of is actually worth losing that person.

 

[moonbaby]

Welcome to the forum! Hopefully we can help to some extent.



That was a massive emotional reaction; not typical of ISTJ's unless the shit has clearly and accurately hit the fan. I'm inclined to ask how soon after his "traumatic event/medicated ESFJ" did this occur? He seemed clearly overstressed to the point past breaking. He probably didn't include any indicators to his mood until he lashed out, which is also predictably ISTJ in catastrophe-mode.



Ask him what the deal is up front and directly. Mixed signals are not a fun "game"... Confront him, but be tactful. He may not realize that he hurt you as badly as he did the previous outburst.

We (ISTJ's) occasionally have to do a LOT of repair work after events like those to get things going smoothly again. I wouldn't know this first hand...noooo...lol

The event was being deployed during the military surge in the late winter. Several under his direction were killed, he had several personal near misses. Month of night patrol and sweeps and losses. As things were winding down in the late summer there was a family member he was called to fly home to (step parent) as they were in hospice care dying. He reconnected w/newly medicated ESFJ then. He was home abt 2wks. Back to war. He was in touch with me from that point forward, daily. I had no idea he was mending things w/her.
His explosion came during his last month of deployment, 6wks after the trip home.
About 3wks prior to going home which was the end of August.
*note, explosion came after abt 3 days after he got a card I sent and he said to me, 'I got your card...I took the kiss. '

I haven't said a word to him since he is back around.
Just sent him the email quoting his words back: 'as beautiful as ever, tongue as sharp as ever'

I some how wondered if that was encrypted because I told him I could never involve myself again even as a friend if he was minimizing the meaning/history of our relationship. And since I had said he was awfully confident burning such bridges with untested circumstances with a relationship that starts over again and again w/ESFJ and fails each time.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

I haven't said a word to him since he is back around.
Just sent him the email quoting his words back: 'as beautiful as ever, tongue as sharp as ever'

I some how wondered if that was encrypted because I told him I could never involve myself again even as a friend if he was minimizing the meaning/history of our relationship. And since I had said he was awfully confident burning such bridges with untested circumstances with a relationship that starts over again and again w/ESFJ and fails each time.

I dunno...it's difficult to judge. Like I said before, speak directly with him and find his true intentions. I really can't determine any more than that, unfortunately.

 

[moonbaby]

Somehow it made me laugh to see even another ISTJ equally as confused!

I was the last to directly contact him, even if it was his own words. I figure the door is slightly cracked if he wants to enter. If so, I will ask him then. Thank you so much for your help!

 

[swordpath]

You shall never understand our minds. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

You shall never understand our minds. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

Green thing = ME
yellow dude = ISTJs

 

[swordpath]

 

[Jack Flak]

You shall never understand our minds. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

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[ArbiterDewey]

Somehow it made me laugh to see even another ISTJ equally as confused!

I was the last to directly contact him, even if it was his own words. I figure the door is slightly cracked if he wants to enter. If so, I will ask him then. Thank you so much for your help!

Yeah, it does confuse me.

I dunno...

When I say "directly" I imply call him or speak face to face, lol. By waiting for him it could literally take forever. We don't keep things of an emotional nature on our minds very often.

The way you've done it thus far, via cryptic email, is open for interpretation...and we suck at deciphering..anything really. The more forward the better.

Just my opinion.

 

[moonbaby]

Thank you. I think I will let it rest. I had already recatagorized him in my life. I just got caught up in his unnatural behavior, and I miss him. He is a very good friend along with all the other things. It is time to move past where we have been, it feels good in many ways to be honest.


BTW, the message was from him. I was trying to figure its meaning out. I just repeated it back to him.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

Thank you. I think I will let it rest. I had already recatagorized him in my life. I just got caught up in his unnatural behavior, and I miss him. He is a very good friend along with all the other things. It is time to move past where we have been, it feels good in many ways to be honest.


BTW, the message was from him. I was trying to figure its meaning out. I just repeated it back to him.

Oh, whoops.