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  1. #61
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Realistically when it comes to human emotions, you cannot just say something once, and then expect another person to not want to talk about it again.

    example: (ISTJ to ENFP: I told you I loved you three weeks ago, why do I have to say it every night, when we talk? Don't you believe me? )

    "I love you" followed by several converstaions about "How was your day? The weather is nice today? how is school? work?
    It's like what Jennifer was saying, you need to 'stoke the fires.' and repeate yourself every so often, it doesn't undermine you, it makes the other person feel loved.

    I personally listen for patterns, if I'm expecting someone to say something then when I don't hear it, I sense something is wrong.

    Personally it's common preference among most human beings in a relationship.
    Its nice to be told you are loved, and appreciated several times a week, to keep the other person aware of how you feel about them. Its hard to just go by actions. To ENFPs, words are very powerful.
    We like honesty more than anything.

    I like it when ISTjs show affection through back rubs, or asking how Im feeling, what im thinking. I find them to be good listeners.

  2. #62
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    I'll get back to responding in a bit, I'm just bleh right now.

    Oh, and sorry to the OP for hijacking your thread.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
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    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  3. #63
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hermeticdancer View Post
    ... "I love you" followed by several converstaions about "How was your day? The weather is nice today? how is school? work?
    It's like what Jennifer was saying, you need to 'stoke the fires.' and repeate yourself every so often, it doesn't undermine you, it makes the other person feel loved.

    I personally listen for patterns, if I'm expecting someone to say something then when I don't hear it, I sense something is wrong.
    The "pattern" part rings true, I was having an awful time this week at work because I saw lots of potential patterns that suggested negative opinions of my performance despite overall having gotten explicit positive reviews in the past. It was bad enough that I was feeling very paranoid and fighting trying not to withdraw... but as soon as I got a few more data points to negate the bad intuitions I was experiencing, I was okay.

    Data points do wonders to correct apprehension. Maybe NP is very susceptible. (Explanation: SP tends to just respond to the concrete data -- what actually is said, what actually is done. NP reads into the less specific impressions and potential underlying insinuations of things or their absence.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #64
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hermeticdancer View Post
    example: (ISTJ to ENFP: I told you I loved you three weeks ago, why do I have to say it every night, when we talk? Don't you believe me? )
    Yeah, that's how I always phrase it. But I've noticed that, somewhat hypocritically...
    Quote Originally Posted by hermeticdancer
    Personally it's common preference among most human beings in a relationship.
    ...I kind of expect the other person in the relationship to do the same for me. So perhaps it's like you said, that everybody wants that affirmation, even if they don't feel the need to give it out themselves. I really try to level with them, though. It's slightly irritating (and to me kind of pointless), but if I know it'll make her feel better, I'll try. In the end, it'll be worth it, right? (This comes from my limited experience...don't take it too seriously.)
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  5. #65
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    Thanks for the responses. My concern is that every time we begin talking it always, inevitably ends up in a "what are you thinking?" or "what about me do you like the best?" or we'll trade, "I miss you" but her's has a "why" tacked on the end. It brings our conversation to a stand still and nothing else can get said for its duration. I literally fear having to sit through these now. I want to be with her, but this is unreasonable. Right?

    Oh, and I guess it would help to say that we haven't been going out for long at all. A week at most. It's been shaky from the start.

    *deep sigh*...

    Another week of headache and I'm out.
    Ha, you are funny.

    Only a week and you are already starting to get frustrated. It's good that you are aware of this. Pay attention to those things, it may be that you two are not compatible mentally and no amount of work, will fix it. Cause what may happen is you will start to tune her out, and ignore her after a while, and she will get increasing insecure and needy, because she isn't hearing what she wants to hear. Sound familiar.

    I would give it some time. If it becomes uncomfortable or unbearable for you despite trying to communicate, then you know it's not going to work.

    The important question to ask is...How does the person make you feel about yourself? In an ideal situation you will like yourself more, with a person you are compatible with. You know the feeling?

    Tell her what you are really about in a nice way, just be honest and be yourself.

  6. #66
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    So perhaps it's like you said, that everybody wants that affirmation, even if they don't feel the need to give it out themselves. I really try to level with them, though. It's slightly irritating (and to me kind of pointless), but if I know it'll make her feel better, I'll try. In the end, it'll be worth it, right? (This comes from my limited experience...don't take it too seriously.)
    If your goal is to have a healthy stable relationship, it's worth it to try and understand the other person. Showing them that you understand shows you care.


    It seems like your having trouble seeing the point of it all.

  7. #67
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    a few more thoughts.....

    Think of him as both uncertain about himself and what he has to offer you,
    and also somewhat passive.
    Passive in that he believes that if things will work out, they will work out.
    Remember ISTJs are above all, stoic, and also pretty pessimistic toward
    the future.
    They're kind of like silent martyrs.

    What you can do is slowly and carefully take the reigns.
    Use lots of attachment skills. Make eye contact and smile
    and be happy to see him.
    But don't be too needy or clingy.
    Give him space but be a joyful harbor for him when he
    has time off work.
    And make use of his need to be needed.
    Go ahead and suggest doing something with him - make the
    first move. Perhaps you can do it in a way that suggests
    he is being helpful. Such as saying you really want to see
    a movie or eat somewhere.
    He wants to be helpful, productive, reliable.
    And at first, he will probably mostly talk about work.

    But hang in there, give it time and wait and see what
    you discover down the road.
    Keep in touch.

  8. #68
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    but her's has a "why" tacked on the end. .
    I'm so sorry. My friend got extremely frustrated with me because I used to ask why ALL the time too. He used to say it was my favorite question.

    I didn't realize it bothered him. He had to express to me how bothersome that question was...I hadn't realized I said it so much. You might have to endure one convo where you explain this to her, how it drains you. She will inevitably ask "why" it does, but if you tell her, and she cares and wants you, she will stop. Or at least try to.

  9. #69
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    So I talked to my friend tonight, and he brought it up, but indirectly. He basically said that he thought about it and decided that he wants to be able to "do it right" so he said I'd like to wait. I want him so I guess I gotta wait too.

  10. #70
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    So I talked to my friend tonight, and he brought it up, but indirectly. He basically said that he thought about it and decided that he wants to be able to "do it right" so he said I'd like to wait. I want him so I guess I gotta wait too.
    It sounds like maybe you encounter him fairly often in some way?

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