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  1. #51
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    "Hi, how are you?" works wonders (seriously and sarcastically.) Get involved in conversation normally, as though you were talking to a friend, then throw in a question like, "How do you feel?" or wait for us to bring it up. NEVER ask "What are you thinking right now?...*pause*...*waiting*...*impatience*..." because, especially if you're long winded, I'm not thinking of anything. I'm listening and processing/analyzing what has been said. I can interject thoughts as I deem them necessary, but otherwise I'm not actively thinking of something else. Rarely can I answer this question because I need silence and time to do emotional thinking, if that makes sense. (I'm aware of the oxymoron)

    The biggest reason I'm against, "what are you thinking right now?" is that that is not the question being asked. It is really, "You're thinking about me, right? What about me are you thinking about?" And, just as a heads up, I cant read minds...so I sit around mentioning things I'm actually trying to think, completely oblivious to the non-existent question that I'm expected to answer.

    Emotional validation is confusing because it is a gray area...never black and white. I don't know the cues for said responses, why? I just don't. They don't come to me instinctively as they do to most.

    Kinda ranted here unintentionally, y'all will have to excuse me. If it applies; great, if not; sorry.
    For real? 'What are you thinking about' means 'are you thinking about me?'
    Who knew...
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  2. #52
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    For real? 'What are you thinking about' means 'are you thinking about me?'
    Who knew...
    :P
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  3. #53
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    I just realized, that might sound sarcastic. I wasn't being sarcastic.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  4. #54
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    I just realized, that might sound sarcastic. I wasn't being sarcastic.
    lol. Yeah, it took me time to realize that was what she was really asking. It bugs the shit out of me. I go out of my way to validate one day, then day two arrives and she needs it all over again... "But I told you all of this yesterday...are my opinions supposed to have changed overnight? They don't do that."

    I mean...would she really prefer me to write up some bullshit fluff and repeat it with different words each day? I could, but it wouldn't be the truth. After awhile it would become a response set. It'd come so "naturally," that I wouldn't have to think of the meaning. They'd just be words...and words mean nothing without context.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  5. #55
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    He takes me very literal, like sometimes I can be sarcastic and he not get it right away and take what I say literally.
    Hehe.

    She always starts up conversation with an emotional question/remark that sparks my emotions, but drains my energy. It's like, "We just started this conversation, couldn't we work into emotions slower? It's time for breakfast, damnit." lol
    Yeeeaaahhh. Need for emotional understanding aside, I can find this communication totally endearing, especially if (WHEN) the ISTJ learns to laugh at my interrogative enthusiasm and my delight in poking fun at his unswerving mindsets and methods of life.

    I love the ISTJ. So literal. Funny, funny!

  6. #56
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    I also get all freaked out at emotional interrogation but a part of me enjoys it.
    HAHA! Yeah, you do!

  7. #57
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    lol. Yeah, it took me time to realize that was what she was really asking. It bugs the shit out of me. I go out of my way to validate one day, then day two arrives and she needs it all over again... "But I told you all of this yesterday...are my opinions supposed to have changed overnight? They don't do that."

    I mean...would she really prefer me to write up some bullshit fluff and repeat it with different words each day? I could, but it wouldn't be the truth. After awhile it would become a response set. It'd come so "naturally," that I wouldn't have to think of the meaning. They'd just be words...and words mean nothing without context.
    Do you know what her type is?
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  8. #58
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    "Hi, how are you?" works wonders
    NEVER ask "What are you thinking right now?... I'll sit around mentioning things I'm actually trying to think, completely oblivious to the non-existent question that I'm expected to answer.

    Emotional validation is confusing.
    I don't know the cues for said responses, why? I just don't. They don't come to me instinctively as they do to most.
    I am sort of paraphrasing what you said here.

    So are you saying ask HOW are you?

    That is a form of validation actually, because you are acknowledging the other person. Why? Implies interrogation, and usually upsets people.

    Validation is not something that comes naturally to everyone, even me. It takes practice, effort and the willingness to be vulnerable. It's about intimacy.

    You don't have to validate someone all the time, but when they are expressing their emotions, (not everyday chores, ie. what to put on the shopping list etc.) it is good manners to do so.

    Listening and simple phrases to acknowledge you are present will work.

    The best examples are demonstrated in a book called:
    "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better"

    Amazon.com: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Gary Lundberg, Joy Lundberg: Books

    This book is very well written and simple, and helped me with interpersonal communication.

  9. #59
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    I mean...would she really prefer me to write up some bullshit fluff and repeat it with different words each day? I could, but it wouldn't be the truth. After awhile it would become a response set. It'd come so "naturally," that I wouldn't have to think of the meaning. They'd just be words...and words mean nothing without context.
    The only comparable thing I can think of for me is that since I am so P, I am constantly flexing to the current situation.

    So someone can affirm me on one day, but as more and more time passes, depending on what has happened in the meanwhile, that affirmation can lose power and/or become distorted... especially if my interactions with said person include the possibility of some negative things (based on events, or mistakes I have made, or things they've done/said that seem negative).

    So affirmation DOES have a "half-life" for a P and the length of time it takes to lose power depends on the situation(s) that have occurred since the affirmation was given.

    You have to periodically stoke the fire back up. At least with P's, there's a lot less chance you can just set the bar once and then not touch it again, you need to make allowance for the typical erosion of any positive strokes you might have given. I'm not talking on a "schedule," I'm simply talking about making sure you keep fueling the fire and don't let it fall away.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #60
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses. My concern is that every time we begin talking it always, inevitably ends up in a "what are you thinking?" or "what about me do you like the best?" or we'll trade, "I miss you" but her's has a "why" tacked on the end. It brings our conversation to a stand still and nothing else can get said for its duration. I literally fear having to sit through these now. I want to be with her, but this is unreasonable. Right?

    Oh, and I guess it would help to say that we haven't been going out for long at all. A week at most. It's been shaky from the start.

    *deep sigh*...

    Another week of headache and I'm out.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

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