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  1. #41
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    I feel like this will be one of the costs for you (in the relationship) going forward if you guys ended up dating. I think it definitely depends on how much you value being understood, but it seems you are frustrated with the lack of open communication already and you aren't even dating yet! Maybe part of his hesitation to jump in is related to your understandable differences.

    For me, ENFP, I often feel emotional understanding is vital. I don't know if I could survive without it. As much as I adore the ISTJ faithfulness, stability, friendly face to the world and caretaking abilities, I think the lack of emotional understanding would make me miserable. I flip-flop though. I like both sets of qualities. I WANT THEM ALL. Ha.

    And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for differences cause I think it can make your relationship stronger, but at the same time...

    Just a thought.

  2. #42
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    ... I don't think words count as much as my actions do with him.
    You are exactly right.

  3. #43
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    PinkIced tea,
    You sound really understanding of him and the way he is, really flexible and really accommodating. It's hard being with your opposite.

    Isn't it hard to not want to change him, and just accept him as he is?

    My thing is that I want my ISTJ bf to relax, Ive noticed he has a hard time,
    I want for him to:
    *Relax
    *validate my feelings
    *be present more

  4. #44
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post

    For me, ENFP, I often feel emotional understanding is vital. I don't know if I could survive without it. As much as I adore the ISTJ faithfulness, stability, friendly face to the world and caretaking abilities, I think the lack of emotional understanding would make me miserable.
    Just a thought.

    So true.

  5. #45
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hermeticdancer View Post
    PinkIced tea,
    You sound really understanding of him and the way he is, really flexible and really accommodating. It's hard being with your opposite.

    Isn't it hard to not want to change him, and just accept him as he is?

    My thing is that I want my ISTJ bf to relax, Ive noticed he has a hard time,
    I want for him to:
    *Relax
    *validate my feelings
    *be present more
    Well yeah at first, it was like we were clashing all the time because he wouldn't talk and he said I asked too many questions lol...so I thought instead of us both being stubborn, I tried to think as he does...and while I don't agree with it, its easier for me to understand where he's coming from. Or that for him to know what I want, giving him emotional cues will get us no where because he just isn't going to pick up on it. He takes me very literal, like sometimes I can be sarcastic and he not get it right away and take what I say literally.

    So, I learned to always say what I mean with him. He is learning to understand my humor and me more, I think. I just feel like the way I learned to deal with him so quickly, he isn't going to learn the same with me because he isn't an NF. But he is learning.

    I don't want him to change at all, I've learned alot from him, and I like him the way he is. But yeah I think he needs to relax and be present more def.

  6. #46
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    it seems you are frustrated with the lack of open communication already and you aren't even dating yet!
    I really depends how you approach the communication. I'm having a problem with my g/f, type unknown E?F?. She always starts up conversation with an emotional question/remark that sparks my emotions, but drains my energy. It's like, "We just started this conversation, couldn't we work into emotions slower? It's time for breakfast, damnit." lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa
    For me, ENFP, I often feel emotional understanding is vital. I don't know if I could survive without it. As much as I adore the ISTJ faithfulness, stability, friendly face to the world and caretaking abilities, I think the lack of emotional understanding would make me miserable. I flip-flop though. I like both sets of qualities. I WANT THEM ALL. Ha.
    We really have no idea what we're missing half of the time.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  7. #47
    Senior Member PinkIceTD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    I really depends how you approach the communication. I'm having a problem with my g/f, type unknown E?F?. She always starts up conversation with an emotional question/remark that sparks my emotions, but drains my energy. It's like, "We just started this conversation, couldn't we work into emotions slower? It's time for breakfast, damnit." lol
    Yeah...I knw I do that too. I really don't know any other way to start a conversation.

  8. #48
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    Well yeah at first, it was like we were clashing all the time because he wouldn't talk and he said I asked too many questions lol...so I thought instead of us both being stubborn, I tried to think as he does...and while I don't agree with it, its easier for me to understand where he's coming from. Or that for him to know what I want, giving him emotional cues will get us no where because he just isn't going to pick up on it. He takes me very literal, like sometimes I can be sarcastic and he not get it right away and take what I say literally.

    So, I learned to always say what I mean with him. He is learning to understand my humor and me more, I think. I just feel like the way I learned to deal with him so quickly, he isn't going to learn the same with me because he isn't an NF. But he is learning.

    I don't want him to change at all, I've learned alot from him, and I like him the way he is. But yeah I think he needs to relax and be present more def.
    Yes, I'm sure he is willing to learn, if you spell things out for him. It's not unwillingness....

    As for wanting him to be more relaxed...pfft, good luck with that.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  9. #49
    Senior Member ArbiterDewey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    Yeah...I knw I do that too. I really don't know any other way to start a conversation.
    "Hi, how are you?" works wonders (seriously and sarcastically.) Get involved in conversation normally, as though you were talking to a friend, then throw in a question like, "How do you feel?" or wait for us to bring it up. NEVER ask "What are you thinking right now?...*pause*...*waiting*...*impatience*..." because, especially if you're long winded, I'm not thinking of anything. I'm listening and processing/analyzing what has been said. I can interject thoughts as I deem them necessary, but otherwise I'm not actively thinking of something else. Rarely can I answer this question because I need silence and time to do emotional thinking, if that makes sense. (I'm aware of the oxymoron)

    The biggest reason I'm against, "what are you thinking right now?" is that that is not the question being asked. It is really, "You're thinking about me, right? What about me are you thinking about?" And, just as a heads up, I cant read minds...so I sit around mentioning things I'm actually trying to think, completely oblivious to the non-existent question that I'm expected to answer.

    Emotional validation is confusing because it is a gray area...never black and white. I don't know the cues for said responses, why? I just don't. They don't come to me instinctively as they do to most.

    Kinda ranted here unintentionally, y'all will have to excuse me. If it applies; great, if not; sorry.
    Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
    --Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"

    Nothing is worse than active ignorance.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
    --Isaac Asimov

  10. #50
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArbiterDewey View Post
    I really depends how you approach the communication. I'm having a problem with my g/f, type unknown E?F?. She always starts up conversation with an emotional question/remark that sparks my emotions, but drains my energy. It's like, "We just started this conversation, couldn't we work into emotions slower? It's time for breakfast, damnit." lol



    We really have no idea what we're missing half of the time.
    I also get all freaked out at emotional interrogation but a part of me enjoys it.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

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