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  1. #11
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    He's saying he's not planning on making time for you in his schedule.
    If it were me, I would take it this way too. This is what he said literally and I would not assume anything else.

  2. #12
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    If it were me, I would take it this way too. This is what he said literally and I would not assume anything else.
    Hmm...then how come all the male ISTJs just missed that? That is strange.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Hmm...then how come all the male ISTJs just missed that? That is strange.
    Are you male too?

  4. #14
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    I had this ISTJ guy interested in me recently.

    He was really good at talking on the phone.
    He was courteous and respectful and polite.
    He was thoughtful and intelligent and articulate.
    He didn't want to impose.
    And he was willing to talk just about any subject.

    I did notice on the phone that he would give me advice -- like when I told him I had hurt my foot, and he told me I should really see a doctor, etc. etc.
    That partly felt nice to have him look out for me, but it also felt somewhat patronizing because I am fully capable of deciding whether or not to see a doctor and I felt like he was admonishing me a little bit.

    What happened the one time we tried to get together, though, is that he had his set ways of doing things and the sort of life he wanted to lead, and I realized very quickly that he was set in those ways and did not want to budge.
    He was very happy having his own little pocket world, his own little house by himself, and he might include someone from the outside who he liked, to come in, but he controlled the environment and had made it just the way he liked it, and any time I inadvertently bumped up against those boundaries, he put the fix on it.

    He consistently would refer to things I did as, "Wow, that just sounds like too much energy."

    He definitely had a set schedule. I asked him to meet me for coffee on a Monday evening, and despite being single and having nothing else to do, he just said he doesn't do things during the week, that's not his schedule, even if on the weekends he'll stay up until 3am commonly. There were other things too that were similar (i.e., he had no LOGICAL reason to not do them, they just did not conform to his chosen schedule).

    So that's what I noticed: He was a very sweet, very respectful, very considerate guy who also kept a fairly neat house and had things basically in their place... but he did not like to have things moved out of the place he had put them in. He had created his world and did not want it to be modified, although he wasn't rude about it.

    I bet he'd be utterly faithful, utterly responsible, utterly kind. But he didn't really like risk, he didn't really like expending energy, and he didn't really like change. And he wasn't really happy about the last gf, who had decided she wanted someone more active; he was disparaging of her choices, although when he told me, I was thinking, "hmm, I can understand why she did that."
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #15
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Are you male too?
    Haha, yeah.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer
    I bet he'd be utterly faithful, utterly responsible, utterly kind. But he didn't really like risk, he didn't really like expending energy, and he didn't really like change. And he wasn't really happy about the last gf, who had decided she wanted someone more active; he was disparaging of her choices, although when he told me, I was thinking, "hmm, I can understand why she did that."
    Yeah, that whole post was a good analysis, of strong points and of potential relationship flaws. The part I quoted has been very true in my experience. He may have tried harder to compromise, but it would've been uncomfortable for him to even try, I bet.
    Last edited by Cimarron; 10-09-2008 at 03:09 PM. Reason: story
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  6. #16
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Well see, the thing is, he explained that he's been through this a few times in the past with other women, so if it were me, I would think why would it be any different with me? If I were emotionally capable of it, I would be his friend though because he seems to still want/need that.

  7. #17
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    ... The part I quoted has been very true in my experience. He may have tried harder to compromise, but it would've been uncomfortable for him to even try, I bet.
    Yes, and that is the thing: Is it WORTH that much investment for at least one of the partners to deal with so much discomfort in a LTR? Each person must decide that for themselves, but in general, I don't think it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkIceTD View Post
    ...He said nothing expect, I have to go, but have a good night and Ill talk to you later. And I was already pretty nervous having this convo with him, and when he said that I got flustered and said ok later
    That part made me laugh -- the last conversation I had with this guy, I called him at the start of a 2hr car ride to talk, and he said, "Uh, I'm ordering a pizza online," and he ended up hanging up within 30 seconds and never called me back. (I was like, wth??? The last two conversations we had, we had talked for hours.)

    I definitely felt like I was breaking his style.

    Because I know that if I wanted to talk to someone but was ordering a pizza, I'd say, "Hey, can I call you back in a minute after I order this pizza?"

    He just ended the whole conversation.
    Alas.
    More love's labours lost.

    I find it really funny now, though.

    anyway, I agree with the consensus: He was basically saying, "I've heard this before, and apparently how I interact with you, you always want more than I can give, and I'm not going to change, so let's not waste our time."
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #18
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    What is the point of trying to guess what he is saying? You should be able to ask him. Let him know what helps you, and what action he can take...coach him on how to give feedback you need. (good luck with that)
    He sounds highly introverted, and like a workaholic. If this kind of pattern continues (you wanting to emotional support, and openness, and him going into retreat and silence) it will become very frustrating for you. Two people should be able to understand each other and support each other in a relationship. You have to understand him, and he you, and except eachother for it to work. He is private, take time alone to think, and doesn't like to make decisions based on emotion. You want immediate dialogue, openness, emotional support and feedback. It will feel like he is putting you on the back burner unsure about the relationship, working all the time and his focus is on HIMSELF. He is confused how to communicate with you and what you want. As others have said, take him at his word.
    In some respects it takes a lot of emotional energy and reserve to talk to an ENFP, and his approach is to listen to what you have to say, and then try and fix it. If he starts wanting to fix all your 'problems' then you'll know he's really into you.

  9. #19
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    The OP never really said whether or not she would begin to resent him if they were together for having little time for her and such a busy work schedule and for planning things so much. I think that is what he wants to know.

  10. #20
    Senior Member hermeticdancer's Avatar
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    I have had a hard time with my ISTJ bf.
    He doesn't understand me, and has admitted it over and over. He claims that he is simple and that he doesn't need to be analyzed to understand, that he's very basic. Perhaps it's true, which is the scary part.

    I just have trouble connecting to him emotionally, and I feel like I have to coach him, and that is emotionally exhausting. I feel like I don't get the feedback that I need, and that he is not interested in my feelings. Which is probably true. So this leaves me to think the worst.
    The fights are the worst though, when he goes from being nice, to an outburst of anger and starts catastrophizing about everything, you would think it was armageddon. I actially dont find him to be calm and stable at all. Maybe half the time, but I see an angery insecure person, who wants secruity, and I am the one who is providing it.
    I dont feel like he is the Rock at all...
    Not all ISTJs are alike, though, which I understand.

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