ESFJs of the world, I desperately need your help.
I'm a M/46/INTJ and my girlfriend of 8 months is a F/28/ESFJ. We're in a long-distance relationship and we see each other every 2-4 weeks. We're in a Latin American country. She is from here. I have lived here more than a decade and am fluent in the language and the culture.
My ESFJ is constantly breaking up with me. She has lied to me about a few different things, most prominently among them is her continued use of the online dating site we met on.
We've agreed we're in a committed, exclusive relationship that could lead to marriage. She has agreed that my continued use of the dating site would be improper and she wouldn't like it one bit. (I closed my account the day we agreed to be exclusive.) But she refuses to close her own account (I can see the profile and the active status without logging into the site) and I'm pretty sure she is collecting guys from there on her Facebook and Instagram accounts. Initially, she claimed it wasn't her using the site, her account was hacked and she wasn't looking for anyone or going out with anyone. Later, I discovered conclusively without violating her privacy (but by using a bit of deception) that it was her using the account. Now she only says she isn't going out with anyone.
Simultaneously, tho we argued not once during the first 3 months of our relationship, she has repeatedly been very critical of me because I have a son, something she had no problem with when he met. She has had other complaints but we've worked through them all except for the son (11 years old, I'm a single dad) and the trust issues resulting from the lies.
The trust issues have led to a series of showdowns where I insisted she remedy the damage caused to the relationship and she essentially steamrolled me into giving up on that demand.
We're currently at an impasse because she has been depending on financial gifts from me in order to cover her cost of living while finishing school and looking for a job. I've given her significant amounts of money. Right now, she desperately needs funds to fix storm damage to the home where she lives with her parents, who are unable or unwilling to pay for it.
That's what she wants. What I want is for her to take steps to remedy her lies, including closing the dating site account. She promised me once she would do it in order to save the relationship. Then she reneged. The finally, she did it. And within 24 hours, she had reopened it without saying a word to me.
I feel duped. She probably feels unsupported because due to the storm damage, she has to sleep on a couch in her brothers' room. Bottom line, I won't give her another cent until she remedies the lies and closes the account.
She has spent 5 months going back and forth not being able to decide if she wants to continue the relationship or not, or so she says. In between the problem times, when I receive that full blast of ESFJ anger (I can handle it), it's all love. She loves me, I'm her angel. I'm a sweet and beautiful man. The weekends we spend together are wonderful. She even sent me a cartoon of her proposing to me.
Where I need your ESFJ help: Is she genuinely this conflicted about whether to continue the relationship with me? Or is this one of those ways ESFJs cry for attention, sympathy and help?
And if she is genuinely conflicted, how do I help her make a decision? I will accept whatever she decides, no matter how painful. But the uncertainty is killing me.
I'm stuck and I love her so much. Help?
(Before anyone accuses me of being a distant, robotic INTJ, I swear to you that I am there for her 24/7. I listen patiently to all her complaints about life. I compliment her profusely. I give gifts. I have researched ESFJs, listened to her and done my best to give her what she wants, or what it seems she wants. I just can't change the fact that I'm a single dad or that she has damaged my trust by lying to me and tricking me.)
I'm a M/46/INTJ and my girlfriend of 8 months is a F/28/ESFJ. We're in a long-distance relationship and we see each other every 2-4 weeks. We're in a Latin American country. She is from here. I have lived here more than a decade and am fluent in the language and the culture.
My ESFJ is constantly breaking up with me. She has lied to me about a few different things, most prominently among them is her continued use of the online dating site we met on.
We've agreed we're in a committed, exclusive relationship that could lead to marriage. She has agreed that my continued use of the dating site would be improper and she wouldn't like it one bit. (I closed my account the day we agreed to be exclusive.) But she refuses to close her own account (I can see the profile and the active status without logging into the site) and I'm pretty sure she is collecting guys from there on her Facebook and Instagram accounts. Initially, she claimed it wasn't her using the site, her account was hacked and she wasn't looking for anyone or going out with anyone. Later, I discovered conclusively without violating her privacy (but by using a bit of deception) that it was her using the account. Now she only says she isn't going out with anyone.
Simultaneously, tho we argued not once during the first 3 months of our relationship, she has repeatedly been very critical of me because I have a son, something she had no problem with when he met. She has had other complaints but we've worked through them all except for the son (11 years old, I'm a single dad) and the trust issues resulting from the lies.
The trust issues have led to a series of showdowns where I insisted she remedy the damage caused to the relationship and she essentially steamrolled me into giving up on that demand.
We're currently at an impasse because she has been depending on financial gifts from me in order to cover her cost of living while finishing school and looking for a job. I've given her significant amounts of money. Right now, she desperately needs funds to fix storm damage to the home where she lives with her parents, who are unable or unwilling to pay for it.
That's what she wants. What I want is for her to take steps to remedy her lies, including closing the dating site account. She promised me once she would do it in order to save the relationship. Then she reneged. The finally, she did it. And within 24 hours, she had reopened it without saying a word to me.
I feel duped. She probably feels unsupported because due to the storm damage, she has to sleep on a couch in her brothers' room. Bottom line, I won't give her another cent until she remedies the lies and closes the account.
She has spent 5 months going back and forth not being able to decide if she wants to continue the relationship or not, or so she says. In between the problem times, when I receive that full blast of ESFJ anger (I can handle it), it's all love. She loves me, I'm her angel. I'm a sweet and beautiful man. The weekends we spend together are wonderful. She even sent me a cartoon of her proposing to me.
Where I need your ESFJ help: Is she genuinely this conflicted about whether to continue the relationship with me? Or is this one of those ways ESFJs cry for attention, sympathy and help?
And if she is genuinely conflicted, how do I help her make a decision? I will accept whatever she decides, no matter how painful. But the uncertainty is killing me.
I'm stuck and I love her so much. Help?
(Before anyone accuses me of being a distant, robotic INTJ, I swear to you that I am there for her 24/7. I listen patiently to all her complaints about life. I compliment her profusely. I give gifts. I have researched ESFJs, listened to her and done my best to give her what she wants, or what it seems she wants. I just can't change the fact that I'm a single dad or that she has damaged my trust by lying to me and tricking me.)
