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  1. #1
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Default ISFJ's, loyalty and friendship?

    Is it normal for an ISFJ to replace friends when something or someone better comes along?

    I have, or feel like I had, a very close ISFJ friend. Having had so many crap friends in life, I honestly thought that this one would be a close friend right up until old age and death kicked in, and although I am sure we will remain "friends" for as long as I can handle the sort of friendship on offer now, it isn't the same.

    Now I know that when your girlfriend starts a new relationship you can expect to lose out on some of the time you used to spend together, but it's more than that, now I get to spend no time with her whatsoever. Now I'm lucky if I get a quick phonecall when her man is out, or when she is upset with him. Other than that our friendship has taken a massive nose dive and I am struggling to make sense of it.

    Is it that she had no real values when it came to friendship all along and I was too blind to see it?

    It takes alot for me to commit myself to a friendship, and I also can't handle having more than one friend at a time so if a friendship goes belly up I am in deep doo doo because I have no one else to fall back on. I can't handle having aquaintances so any other budding friendship I ever had going on, I have faded out from because it's all too much for me. (makes me a pretty shit friend to others, maybe this is karma)

    And no, I'm an INFP so I haven't said anything to her, I have just been letting it all build up inside knowing full well that I am likely to explode in anger anyday now.

    Aside from being tossed to the side in favour of a 6'6", nicely packed where it matters, fella, she is fantastic, couldn't have asked for a better friend so it really surprised me to find out she could be so.........I want to say disloyal but the word doesn't quite fit, or fairwether friend, but even that doesn't quite fit, although I'm sure you get what I mean with all my ramblings.

    Typical of an ISFJ, or just typical of women?
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    My experience is that ISFJs are about as loyal as you can get. It's fairly normal for people in new relationships to devote most of their time to the relationship at the cost of other relationships/activities. After some of the new wears off, she will probably have more time to spend with friends again.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  3. #3
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    I think it's troublesome that you've labeled yourself as someone who's only capable of having a single meaningful friendship at a time. I do this all the time. When you've already got one great friend, it's easy to slack off and back away at the difficult "getting to know you better" stage with acquaintances/ possible-friends. I mean, so much cost- and vulnerability and awkwardness when on the other hand I've already got something fun and trusting. So I shut it down. It's much easier to rely on friendships you've already solidified.

    I'm not saying your feelings of abandonment are not valid. (And some people really do disappear at the beginning of romance.) Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations a little?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    It's fairly normal for people in new relationships to devote most of their time to the relationship at the cost of other relationships/activities. After some of the new wears off, she will probably have more time to spend with friends again.
    Agreed. I don't think this is an ISFJ trait. I have known ESFPs and ESFJs who do this as well. Even my INTJ friend would cancel on me for her boyfriend.

  5. #5
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Colors View Post
    I think it's troublesome that you've labeled yourself as someone who's only capable of having a single meaningful friendship at a time. I do this all the time. When you've already got one great friend, it's easy to slack off and back away at the difficult "getting to know you better" stage with acquaintances/ possible-friends. I mean, so much cost- and vulnerability and awkwardness when on the other hand I've already got something fun and trusting. So I shut it down. It's much easier to rely on friendships you've already solidified.

    I'm not saying your feelings of abandonment are not valid. (And some people really do disappear at the beginning of romance.) Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations a little?
    Most excellent point!

    And I kind of expect when friends start a new romantic relationship that they'll slack off with me a bit. It's been done to me and I've done it. You do feel a bit slighted and there are things a person can do to control for any hurt feelings but I wouldn't make the friend entering the new relationship spread themselves so thin. Is this a pattern for her? Some people place greater priority on romantic relationships than friendships. I don't think that's wrong or right, but it happens and if the balance doesn't tip in your favor feelings get hurt. Plus your friend is an introvert like you and probably prefers fewer which may come at the cost of an existing friendship. How long has this been going on? A few weeks? A few months?

    And coming from the other end, when I've had friends who I can see over rely on me for their one social outlet or their one true friendship I start backing up. I don't want to have that kind of pressure on me so I'll start scrambling away.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  6. #6
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Hi BerberElla, forget her, she sucks. I'll be your new friend and I'll never abandon you.

    (am I being an opportunist?)

  7. #7
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    It's been coming up to 10 months so far and maybe my hurt feelings contribute towards the drawing away because I've stopped replying to every phone call and I've stopped making an effort to stay in touch because I thought I saw the future I went with my gut instinct that the friendship as I had known it was gone, so that's not helpful.

    I guess my expectations were far too high because I expect better from a friend, I expect equal in return and I haven't tossed a friend away in favour of a man, I always made it clear that my friend was a permanent fixture.

    I think she is quite like me, one close relationship and everything else seems too draining to manage, and of course she loves him so I get pushed to the side.

    I'm happy for her, I spent years convincing her that 6 years of mourning a past relationship were too much and it was time to give love another go, I guess I just didn't expect to fall to the wayside so easily. I feel like I wasn't really valued in the grand scheme of things.

    @ Colors, it really hit me over the course of losing this friendship that my one friend at a time policy was a bad thing in the long run. Live and learn as they say.

    I just don't think I can change that part of me, it's really hard devoting myself to too many people, practically sucks the life right out of me.

    I will try though.

    The only reason I asked this question was that I trusted that as an ISFJ, who are known for loyalty, I wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing happening so it was a safe bet to commit my friendship........but this is what happens when you use mbti to hedge your bets.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  8. #8
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Hi BerberElla, forget her, she sucks. I'll be your new friend and I'll never abandon you.

    (am I being an opportunist?)

    I'm almost insane you know, I wouldn't be so quick to commit to me
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  9. #9
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    Well, it's pretty easy for me to say that, when I've got the most sucessful (relatively) kind of codependent friendship- members of equal introversion/ codependency/ social laziness! We actually made a pact to each other this summer to make new friends, separately, in the following "school" months.

    I guess the trials of living different lives taught me it wasn't best to be like the way I was.... And that the thought that I would expect a significant other to have other friends, other interests, and hobbies outside to our relationship (and for him to respect my outside friends and interests)- so how could I have completely different expectations in a friendship?

    My expectations have changed, but the forging-new-relationships part? Easier said than done. Growing up is such a bummer.

  10. #10
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    This is why feeling types should never be friends (I mean, F-F)
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