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  1. #21
    Senior Member Grace's Avatar
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    I have had three really close friends who were all ISFJ females.
    One was my best friend for six years. She then proceeded to fool around with my boyfriend at the time. I am no longer dating the guy (INFP) and I talk to the girl a couple of times a year to keep in touch. She is probably the one person in my life who has hurt me the most (she has stabbed me in the back other times than the fooling around incidents).
    The other two I am still really close with but I do see them as fair weather friends. I think if I move out of state and our friendships are no longer convenient, then bye bye friendships.

    ISFJs make great friends when they are committed to you (sometimes almost a deep intimate relationship resembling a couple). Don't expect that to last forever, in my experience.

  2. #22
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    One of my forever best friends (since birth) is an ISFJ. She's let me down a couple of times during romantic relationships, family conflicts, identity crisis, etc. but she came back in the end without me having to run after her. Before she got married, she came to see me and reminded me of all the things I had done for her that had made her feel loved and appreciated and asked me to be her bridesmaid. We try to see each other regularly (we both have busy lives, I guess), but I would definitely say we have a healthy friendship.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    I'm an ISFJ and if you are a close friend of mine, you are my forever friend. I would do anything for my friends and they know they could call me and I would be there in a heartbeat. However, sometimes I go for long times without seeing my friends. I have a busy life and other people have things going on too. I try very hard to stay in contact with all of my close friends, but I have a family and full time job. I appreciate the kind of friendship that can be picked up right where it left off. Of my closest friends, I know I can call them and make plans with them when they are available and they won't be mad or upset if I haven't seen them for a few months. I might have to wait until they are available to see them, but I understand they are busy too.

    I disagree on the comment about us not being empathetic. I HATE it when other people hurt or I've hurt someone. I am very sensitive to the feelings of my friends and care about how they feel. I want my friends to be happy.

    When I was younger (and less healthy), I used to only have one close friendship at a time...like what is being described. I would be jealous of other people that my closest friend was friends with, etc...like you are describing. I felt like those were unhealthy friendships. If I were to be friends with someone now that was too dependent on me...it would drive me nuts. When you're married or in a long term relationship, sometimes you tend to have more couple friends as well. Life is constantly changing and to me, real friends are the ones who stick with you no matter what changes or how often you see them.

  4. #24
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wordvarc View Post
    The ISFJ is loyal but only consistant if you are obvious daily in their small sensing world. If someone else comes along and you are no longer daily useful to their plans, you are dropped. They see this as practical and get confused and upset if their insensitivity is pointed out. The are sympathetic but not empathetic. They're sorry, even despairing, that you are hurt but don't feel the way most might empathise. In fact, they 'reason', "This is why having friends is too difficult;" then inform you, "This is hard for me too."

    ISFJ's feel their own feeilngs deeply but have great trouble feeling empathy. They just see themselves as busy as you stand there and say "What happened?"
    I'm so going through this with an ISFJ right now. And it has happened before. Once, she didn't keep her word about keeping in touch with me (this was something very meaningful to me), and after two years, I wrote to her about it. She never understood why I was feeling sad, but wrote me a long letter about her own hardships.
    My feeling is that if you're not family or a close friend or neighbour, you don't mean much unless you're in the ISFJ's face (within the sensitive element). I live far from her, so it's not a priority for her to be loyal to me or keep her word.

  5. #25
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    I'm so going through this with an ISFJ right now. And it has happened before. Once, she didn't keep her word about keeping in touch with me (this was something very meaningful to me), and after two years, I wrote to her about it. She never understood why I was feeling sad, but wrote me a long letter about her own hardships.
    My feeling is that if you're not family or a close friend or neighbour, you don't mean much unless you're in the ISFJ's face (within the sensitive element). I live far from her, so it's not a priority for her to be loyal to me or keep her word.
    And where is YOUR empathy with HER hardships? Sometimes people go through things in life that are rough and they can't always be there for other people in the way they would like. If you want her to be empathetic with you you feel, you need to give the same in return. Friendship is a two way street.

  6. #26
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    One of my best friends is apparently ISFJ and I think she is one of the most loyal people I know - except she has detached herself from friendships before when she felt like someone was using her/sucking her dry in some way. I think she has had a couple of friendships end also because the other person behaved in a way she found morally unacceptable. But I wouldn't view those as examples of disloyalty or treating friendships as disposable.
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  7. #27
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambchop View Post
    And where is YOUR empathy with HER hardships? Sometimes people go through things in life that are rough and they can't always be there for other people in the way they would like. If you want her to be empathetic with you you feel, you need to give the same in return. Friendship is a two way street.
    I have been very empathetic by the way, and forgot all about my own pain to be compassionate with her. I wrote back and tried my best to encourage her, and I've been praying for her ever since.
    Last edited by KLessard; 11-04-2009 at 09:49 PM.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Shadow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    One of my best friends is apparently ISFJ and I think she is one of the most loyal people I know - except she has detached herself from friendships before when she felt like someone was using her/sucking her dry in some way. I think she has had a couple of friendships end also because the other person behaved in a way she found morally unacceptable. But I wouldn't view those as examples of disloyalty or treating friendships as disposable.
    Agree!
    I'm absolutely baffled by all those people saying ISFJs are unempathetic... I'd say they were by far the most empathetic type out there. It's one reason why they're so lovable.
    At the same time, when they have problems and worries, they can really focus on them and get in such a state about them (although they keep this well hidden and may seem to be functioning perfectly well, albeit more sulkily than usual) that they cannot see anything else.
    I do not think an ISFJ would casually 'ignore' someone else's feelings. And if they were made aware of the fact that they'd missed seeing how someone else felt bad, this would make them feel even worse about themselves.

    In my experience loyalty is also the ISFJs byword. My ISFJ boyfriend has said to me on occasion that he can't understand why some of his old friends don't speak to him anymore. He's not devastated by it, but he can't understand why they seem to have gone off with other 'more sociable and popular' people just to apparently be with the in-crowd when they used to be so close. He'd never just desert a good friend for no reason. Or a bad one, come to think of it. He will, however, avoid people that seem to think they're his best friend and are really clingy even though they've barely ever spoken to him or are a bit full on. As do I.

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