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  1. #11
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Colors View Post
    Well, it's pretty easy for me to say that, when I've got the most sucessful (relatively) kind of codependent friendship- members of equal introversion/ codependency/ social laziness! We actually made a pact to each other this summer to make new friends, separately, in the following "school" months.
    Our friendship was pretty codependent too, just now she has transferred that dependency to someone else and I have no one left to be dependent on


    I guess the trials of living different lives taught me it wasn't best to be like the way I was.... And that the thought that I would expect a significant other to have other friends, other interests, and hobbies outside to our relationship (and for him to respect my outside friends and interests)- so how could I have completely different expectations in a friendship?
    The person she was, that she told me she was, was very clear that our friendship would not fall to the side in favour of a man, that he would have to have his own life and her too, but this was before the man came into the picture.

    Now I see someone who is so afraid that saying "No, I'm hanging out with my friend today, see you later" will result in him leaving her, she can't be the strong woman I know she is.

    She's afraid that if she is not there unconditionally and at all times for him, that he will replace her.

    My expectations have changed, but the forging-new-relationships part? Easier said than done. Growing up is such a bummer.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  2. #12
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    BerberElla, I've been on both sides of that coin in the past so I understand this situation well.

    Also, I hear voices.

  3. #13
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    BerberElla, I've been on both sides of that coin in the past so I understand this situation well.
    Well I'm not as upset now as I was this morning, I realise now that I shouldn't have placed so much expectation on her and that she is still my friend in whatever capacity she can cope with.

    I sort of forgot that as an introvert herself she could possibly be finding it draining too.

    Now I remember why I liked this place.


    Also, I hear voices.

    I knew my telepathic powers were working.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  4. #14
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Well I'm not as upset now as I was this morning, I realise now that I shouldn't have placed so much expectation on her and that she is still my friend in whatever capacity she can cope with.

    I sort of forgot that as an introvert herself she could possibly be finding it draining too.

    Now I remember why I liked this place.
    Tell her exactly how you feel and don't be embarrassed to say it. Like I said, I've been on the same side of the coin as your ISFJ friend in the past and I got told and it....worked.

  5. #15
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    Hi! About ISFJs-- I have observed that although they are caring and loyal, they do not always have the intuitive ability to understand how much and what kind of nurturing a friendship needs, particularly when they are preoccupied by other events and relationships in their own lives. They are maybe not the greatest at entering imaginatively into the experience of another, but it isn't that they don't care-- sometimes they just need stuff spelled out to them. We are all clueless in different areas and in different times. I am sorry your friend's callousness is causing you pain right now but if she is truly your friend and not intentionally trying to drop you, I would say an honest communication of your feelings is definitely worth a shot. It may just change everything. I have had this experience with ISFJs before.

    Good luck!
    "There ain't no doubt in no one's mind that love's the finest thing around. Whisper something soft and kind." --James Taylor

  6. #16
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    The person she was, that she told me she was, was very clear that our friendship would not fall to the side in favour of a man, that he would have to have his own life and her too, but this was before the man came into the picture.

    Now I see someone who is so afraid that saying "No, I'm hanging out with my friend today, see you later" will result in him leaving her, she can't be the strong woman I know she is.

    She's afraid that if she is not there unconditionally and at all times for him, that he will replace her.
    That's really sad. I hope you can mend this bridge (Hmm and Helen seem to be giving good advice). Good luck.

  7. #17
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    Default Yes, this is typical ISFJ behavior.

    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Is it normal for an ISFJ to replace friends when something or someone better comes along?

    I have, or feel like I had, a very close ISFJ friend. Having had so many crap friends in life, I honestly thought that this one would be a close friend right up until old age and death kicked in, and although I am sure we will remain "friends" for as long as I can handle the sort of friendship on offer now, it isn't the same.

    Now I know that when your girlfriend starts a new relationship you can expect to lose out on some of the time you used to spend together, but it's more than that, now I get to spend no time with her whatsoever. Now I'm lucky if I get a quick phonecall when her man is out, or when she is upset with him. Other than that our friendship has taken a massive nose dive and I am struggling to make sense of it.

    Is it that she had no real values when it came to friendship all along and I was too blind to see it?

    It takes alot for me to commit myself to a friendship, and I also can't handle having more than one friend at a time so if a friendship goes belly up I am in deep doo doo because I have no one else to fall back on. I can't handle having aquaintances so any other budding friendship I ever had going on, I have faded out from because it's all too much for me. (makes me a pretty shit friend to others, maybe this is karma)

    And no, I'm an INFP so I haven't said anything to her, I have just been letting it all build up inside knowing full well that I am likely to explode in anger anyday now.

    Aside from being tossed to the side in favour of a 6'6", nicely packed where it matters, fella, she is fantastic, couldn't have asked for a better friend so it really surprised me to find out she could be so.........I want to say disloyal but the word doesn't quite fit, or fairwether friend, but even that doesn't quite fit, although I'm sure you get what I mean with all my ramblings.

    Typical of an ISFJ, or just typical of women?
    The ISFJ is loyal but only consistant if you are obvious daily in their small sensing world. If someone else comes along and you are no longer daily useful to their plans, you are dropped. They see this as practical and get confused and upset if their insensitivity is pointed out. The are sympathetic but not empathetic. They're sorry, even despairing, that you are hurt but don't feel the way most might empathise. In fact, they 'reason', "This is why having friends is too difficult;" then inform you, "This is hard for me too."

    ISFJ's feel their own feeilngs deeply but have great trouble feeling empathy. They just see themselves as busy as you stand there and say "What happened?"

  8. #18
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    Default ISFJ's seem relationally autistic.

    Quote Originally Posted by helen View Post
    Hi! About ISFJs-- I have observed that although they are caring and loyal, they do not always have the intuitive ability to understand how much and what kind of nurturing a friendship needs, particularly when they are preoccupied by other events and relationships in their own lives. They are maybe not the greatest at entering imaginatively into the experience of another, but it isn't that they don't care-- sometimes they just need stuff spelled out to them. We are all clueless in different areas and in different times. I am sorry your friend's callousness is causing you pain right now but if she is truly your friend and not intentionally trying to drop you, I would say an honest communication of your feelings is definitely worth a shot. It may just change everything. I have had this experience with ISFJs before.

    Good luck!

    ISFJ's focus on organizing and controlling details in a relationship that seem absured in light of any shared purpose. Yet if those details are important to all parties and they are frequently validated, they will be great partners.

  9. #19
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Hi.

  10. #20
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    Hi back.

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