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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ FEMALE : NEED ADVICE ON ESFJ MALE

    Ok...

    So this story would be funny if it happened to someone else.

    I am an INTJ female who met an ESFJ male in a sports group.

    We had been chatting online (prior to meeting) because he organizes a sports group - he sent me a welcome message, I thought he was attractive, and we messaged a bit (superficially). He offered to give me a bit of special instruction at this next occasion that this sports group met. Then he didn't show up. He sent me an email later that evening - super apologetic that he couldn't attend because of work, and in return, offering to give me a free attendance to a future group meeting. A typical INTJ, I was skeptical and didn't know if A.) he really had to work, or B.) was blowing me off, and C.) It's not like it was a date, so why was he apologizing?

    I hadn't even met him yet. And I really wanted to play the sport anyway. So I told him not to worry about it, wanted to play the sport, and would be attending the following week's event. (Very much a I don't need you vibe.) He showed up with another girl and when I introduced myself, he spent the entire night glaring at me. When the girl saw the way we were interacting with each other, she walked off. Since then he hasn't brought any other girls to these events.

    He spent several weeks acting as if he hated me. Occasionally, if it was unavoidable, I would try to make conversation, and he would be nice, but I was too nervous around him to feel comfortable. He watched me all the time, as if I was some sort of science experiment.

    He wasn't there for a few weeks, and one of his friends hit on me. He asked for my number, and I said yes, but we never got past texting - I realized he was an ESTP, and not a serious guy, and told him to mess off (more or less). I wasn't really into this guy anyway.

    The ESTP friend stopped attending these events (for whatever reason), and I got a sports injury. About a month passed, and the ESFJ sends me an email (just to see what I was doing). I emailed back, and we started flirting. I saw him again the following evening at another one of these events, and we ended up intensely flirting. I even made him blush. So he says to me out of the blue, I'll take you out. This did not sit well with me because I felt he should be asking me instead of telling me, and so I felt nervous. So all I could say was "where?" It all went downhill from there. I tried to explain that I really did want to go out with him, I was just nervous. He didn't buy it, and got really angry at me. To be honest, I know that I looked horrified that he was asking me out. However, when I explained that I just felt anxious about dating, he was just angry. So I told him that I no longer wanted to go on the date.

    Since then he has been a total asshole. I have called him on it (privately of course) and asked him to explain why he is so angry at me, and he won't.

    I am super comfortable with guys I don't like and uncomfortable with guys that I do like. This is why I normally don't date. Often other guys approach me in this group (because I am pretty) and I am not horrified, and I can tell that he is jealous. It just sucks. It has occurred to me that he is no longer interested. Just because a guy is jealous does not necessarily mean that he is interested.

    But can anyone tell me why he is acting like this and why he is still observing me like I am a science experiment? And is there anything I can do to make this a more socially comfortably situation for both of us? I really want to keep playing this sport. And I still have a bit of crush. But I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

  2. #2
    :)))))))))))))) No agentwashington's Avatar
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    He sounds like a child throwing a tantrum. IMO you dodged a bullet :P
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  3. #3
    Who Am I? Forever's Avatar
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    The title and introduction were a little misleading but after reading I see where you're getting at..

    It sounds like he is unsure because you feel anxious around him and the more you are anxious the more he feels like you don't want to be around him and so he feels hurt that he went and approached you and while you expected him to be making the moves he just kept observing until you sounded and looked "comfortable"

    He might also stick with the idea that women like men who just say things (which there are women imo who like that a lot) and do them and he was a little stunned that you prefer permission over action.

    He's probably seeing you more as a pick-up than for who you are, I'd say just be forthright in your INTJ way and tell him you are no longer interested or things can't happen between you guys. You might be F instead of T if his feelings (or for the group's sake) are much more important than what you want overall.

    Although the way you write interestingly sounds a lot like me (I might be an INFJ too).
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever View Post
    The title and introduction were a little misleading but after reading I see where you're getting at..

    It sounds like he is unsure because you feel anxious around him and the more you are anxious the more he feels like you don't want to be around him and so he feels hurt that he went and approached you and while you expected him to be making the moves he just kept observing until you sounded and looked "comfortable"

    He might also stick with the idea that women like men who just say things (which there are women imo who like that a lot) and do them and he was a little stunned that you prefer permission over action.

    He's probably seeing you more as a pick-up than for who you are, I'd say just be forthright in your INTJ way and tell him you are no longer interested or things can't happen between you guys. You might be F instead of T if his feelings (or for the group's sake) are much more important than what you want overall.

    Although the way you write interestingly sounds a lot like me (I might be an INFJ too).
    Actually, my exact words when I turned him down the night he asked me out were that we were not compatible. (Very INTJ of me.)

    My friends do mistake me for F instead of T (except when we argue), although I consistently test as INTJ, 5w4 enneagram. My father is an ISFJ and my mother is an INFP, so I tell people that I speak fluent F.

    I see that you are 4 and and I have a 4 wing (5 w 4). Both 4 and 5w4 write similarly, apparently.

  5. #5
    Who Am I? Forever's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by intjfemale123 View Post
    Actually, my exact words when I turned him down the night he asked me out were that we were not compatible. (Very INTJ of me.)

    My friends do mistake me for F instead of T (except when we argue), although I consistently test as INTJ, 5w4 enneagram. My father is an ISFJ and my mother is an INFP, so I tell people that I speak fluent F.

    I see that you are 4 and and I have a 4 wing (5 w 4). Both 4 and 5w4 write similarly, apparently.
    I see, yes. The 4 flair is very apparent in individuals who have it for sure. Nothing sticks out more than authenticity. You sound pretty cool actually.
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  6. #6
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentwashington View Post
    He sounds like a child throwing a tantrum. IMO you dodged a bullet :P
    ^This.

    This guy seems to run hot, then cold, and to be responding to whatever whims of the moment catch his fancy. He interacts with you, without learning anything or taking anything away from the interaction. This suggests it's not about you, in a bad sense. (Ideally your friends and dates should be interested in you for you -- who you are -- and thus should be responding more directly to what you present when you interact.)

    Treat him with common courtesy at your sports group, but I wouldn't rely on him for anything more (seems he is hard put to offer even this much sometimes).
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