[ESFJ] ESFJ- dealing with

[Poussin]

I'm having a bit of an issue with my sister (ESFJ) at the moment, in terms of her behaviour towards the rest of the family. Nothing serious but exhibiting basic lack of consideration for other people. In your opinion what's the best way to point out to an ESFJ/encourage them to become aware of the unfairness of this kind of behaviour? My approach has been to try to reason with her but it hasn't been working to well up to date... any new ideas would be gratefully received.

 

[Lubed_Goat]

Hm... I have ESFJs in my family. I've tried reasoning with them, it doesn't work. The typical ESFJ seems to have trouble seeing rationality as far as the consequences of their actions and how loved ones might react to the negative side of their actions. The problem is that they take criticism too personally and that, in effect, amplifies their more negative ESFJ tendencies. Mother dearest is an ESFJ, I stopped talking to her. Seems to be working well so far. However, you and your family might not be willing to take that extreme. Maybe you could try making a point of how much of an issue her behavior has become by sitting her down with the family and all of you politely confronting her about it. Try throwing in just a little touch of drama just to show her that her actions hurt and upset you (you don't have to take that path if you don't want to, just a suggestion). If you pull it off just right, it may very well improve the situation. If not, you can just drive her insane by giving her the silent treatment.

 

[Geoff]

I find a cattle-prod is helpful for reprogramming an overzealous ESFJ.

 

[Lubed_Goat]

Indeed.

I sometimes like to take it a step further with a car battery and some jumper cables.

 

[Jack Flak]

I couldn't tell you of a specific male ESFJ I've known in the real world...But female ESFJs? We hate each other on sight, every time. It's uncanny. If we're "forced" to converse by way of politeness and social convention, the psychic conflict is palatable. It's obvious that after every exchange of words we both have the same thought: "I wish this person didn't exist." Sound familiar? If so, I advocate avoidance if you value one anothers sanity.

My best friend had an ESFJ girlfriend for a while, needless to say we hated each other. She accused me (to him) of being in charge of his life, and causing the problems in the relationship.

And I had an ESFJ Mythology teacher in High School. That was just bad. It makes me sick, just thinking about it. She gave me an F on a paper I actually worked on (Not a given in my high school days!), and I said "What the FUCK?!" right in the middle of class. Hey, she changed it to a C! She had the gall to have the poster "What is right is not always popular; What is popular is not always right." The exact opposite of her philosophy.

 

[Geoff]

She accused me (to him) of being in charge of his life, and causing the problems in the relationship.

Presumably you weren't?

 

[Virtual ghost]

Presumably you weren't?

Of course he weren't, he is not an INTJ. :rolli:

 

[Jack Flak]

Presumably you weren't?

I don't believe so...The worst I can remember doing is agreeing with him when he complained. He's ESFP fwiw.

 

[Jeffster]

Man, you guys are harsh.

Poussin, how old is your sister? Give me some more specifics about what she's doing that's causing a problem and maybe I can come up with something.

 

[entropie]

Hmm, I just read the thread and I wonder, if some issues concerning the family problems, we have at the moment, can be related to my sister being an ESFJ.

She is just 15 years old and I am no expert on psychology. But I thought her to be a SJ just was not sure, which one. Definitly not ISFJ that is my mum and they are different.

My sister is pretty much doing her own thing at the moment. She shouts at my mum and dad, when she is not getting what she wants. It escalates from time to time and she has attacked my mum physically. Her grades are worse and she needs to decide on a job education this year, because she is in the final class.

Her behaviour towards our family members ranges from rude and overbearing to nice, calm and childlike. It is just like two persons are living in that body.

We have contacted a family theraphist and we are having sessions, I hope this will help a bit.

I have done a lot of kinky shit, too when I was young, but I was never this cruel to the people next to me. So my parents and I are somewhat overstrained with the situation.

 

[Gabe]

oh great, one of these threads. Don't you guys ever get tired of this shit?

 

[Jack Flak]

oh great, one of these threads. Don't you guys ever get tired of this shit?

I'm not sure exactly what you're referring to, but it is natural for "Relations of Conflict" to coincide with typical stories of mutual disgust.

 

[Kora]

... Why ESFJs can be so troublesome?

 

[Jack Flak]

Being that we're both apparently INTP, yes. But ESFJs feel the same way about us.

 

[Kora]

I don't know how I can be 'attacking' an ESFJ the same way they 'attack' me. Or is just that not attacking them makes them feel attacked?

 

[Poussin]

Just swooping in to clarify- I like my sister, I like ESFJs, I like people (that last one is a slight exageration) and I just wondered the best way to approach her about this. To be perfectly frank given she's 18 and a bit self-centred I very much doubt her problems have anything to do with her type- my best friend is an ESFJ who is a lot more mature and I love her to bits- but I was wondering the best way of getting through to her that's all.

 

[Jack Flak]

Post 16, in other words: "She's my sister, so I should like her. But I hate her."

 

[Jeffster]

Just swooping in to clarify- I like my sister, I like ESFJs, I like people (that last one is a slight exageration) and I just wondered the best way to approach her about this. To be perfectly frank given she's 18 and a bit self-centred I very much doubt her problems have anything to do with her type- my best friend is an ESFJ who is a lot more mature and I love her to bits- but I was wondering the best way of getting through to her that's all.

Well, be more specific about what the problems are. All you've said was "basic lack of consideration for other people." Can you give some specific examples of how she does this?

 

[Jack Flak]

I don't know how I can be 'attacking' an ESFJ the same way they 'attack' me. Or is just that not attacking them makes them feel attacked?

'Tis merely existing in the same Universe how INTPs and ESFJs attack each other.

 

[Poussin]

She's tends, rather than checking if its okay for her to go places with my parents etc (Which I feel she should do given she expects to both be brought there and given money for whatever she's doing) to come in and announce she's going there and that she wants to leave in ten minutes. If requested to wash up after dinner she flatly refuses and stalks off. Generally her aggro is not with me, but the atmosphere afterwards is not pleasant and its a kind of tension that I can't stand. I suspect it's a question of maturity but as I didn't display my immaturity in that way, I don't really understand it. For me she could make her life so much easier by a few steps but she doesn't see it.