[ISTJ] Needing relationship advice! (for an INFJ!)

[doxdox]

First: hi there!! I'm new on this forum and I hope not to be very redundant, so I'm sorry if this kind of thing has been already discussed.
I really need advice, I feel very confused and I can't seem to get this situation straight. I'll try to be as clear as I can:
I'm an 29 years old female INFJ who had many relationships (really, lots, long term, short term, casual...) who met a 32 years old ISTJ guy through Tinder (well, we are I's) last year. Of course, I've found he's an ISTJ a month ago and some things started to make sense.
He never had long term relationships. Not even short ones. Had some one night stands and nothing more. He is a beautiful guy, really interesting but very quirky. We share a very similar view in life and enjoy the same kind of things, so we escalated the relationship quickly. Or at least, I did.
When we met, he told me that he was not interested in long term dating, that he didn't believe in relationships or love, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see what happened. Of course, I went mad lots of times because that approach was too rational for me to handle, but I still managed to be patient. He spent the first 6 months saying that we were friends. I already knew his family and closest (all) friends, and we spent at least 3 days a week together. I got really angry when he was unable to define us as a couple, but when I told him that we should split, he changed and started to adapt to the 'girlfriend experience'.
Next month is our first aniversary. We shared quite a lot of deep feelings, lots of times. He opened up to me quite easily, and always was sharp honest, sometimes giving me the nerves.
I'm in love with him, but he always says that he can't lie to me, that he doesn't love me but he wants to, that he feels a deep affection for me and would kill (sic) for me, and that we are still getting to know each other. Did I mention that we dated for a year already?
I know that words aren't his thing, I don't expect that anymore. But he acts like a loving partner, making lots of generous acts for me and giving me lots of time and space inside his life. So I'm so confused here. I'm afraid that he will never commit, I don't want to be stuck inside a relationship that is going nowhere.

So, he fits the ISTJ definition as if he was the exact example for that. For the exception of the weird fear of commitment that he has, opposite to what I've read. The question is: Have you had any similar experiences with ISTJ's? I don't really know what to think anymore and I don't want to push him, because that's what I tend to do as an INFJ and I know that would scare him.

Thank you very much for your time <3

 

[Cloudpatrol]

Welcome!

So I'm so confused here. I'm afraid that he will never commit, I don't want to be stuck inside a relationship that is going nowhere.

No one here is going to be able to provide a definitive answer for this: based on typing.

Why? Because, what you are really asking is: “What does the future hold”?


One of the (many) things I appreciate about men is how straight-forward and honest they can be. This sounds like a good man in many respects. He ‘tells it like it is’.


When I was in my (very) early 20’s I was engaged to someone that I had been in a relationship with for years. He was (and is) a great person. He also was VERY introverted and introspective. During our relationship he told me many times: that although he loved me deeply, he wasn’t sure he could give me the level of interaction or emotional depth I deserved. I was in love with him and each time reassured him that I was satisfied we could work this out.

Eventually, we mutually decided to end the engagement because of his unresolved concerns. It was devastating and it took time for my heart to recover. I literally couldn’t imagine anyone else. But, ultimately he was right. I am now thankful to him that he released me to find the right connection.

Years earlier my Auntie had told me: When someone tells you something about themselves: BELIEVE them.

When she told me this it made me angry. I felt she didn’t understand my unique situation and why this man was worthy of my belief.

He was worthy of my belief. He ended up a good husband and a GREAT Father. But, it was irrelevant because HE didn't believe in himself. I couldn't 'love him into it'. He had to grow on his own terms. (It took a decade).

If I had paid more heed to her words, I would have avoided hurt and not have gotten in ‘as deep’.


This ISTJ is telling you who he is. Where he is.

He never had long term relationships. Not even short ones. Had some one night stands and nothing more.

When we met, he told me that he was not interested in long term dating, that he didn't believe in relationships or love, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see what happened.

I'm in love with him, but he always says that he can't lie to me, that he doesn't love me but he wants to, that he feels a deep affection for me and would kill (sic) for me, and that we are still getting to know each other.

Is there a chance that his feelings will deepen to L O V E? Of course. But, you need to be clear; this is a gamble.


It seems less about 'who HE is as an ISTJ', and more 'what YOU can accept or be content with'.


He likely CAN’T offer more at this time. He cares for you as deeply as is possible (for him), up to this point.


~ If you feel that you can’t ‘waste time’ waiting to see where it ultimately leads OR that you need someone who loves and appreciates you more quickly and certainly… Then, I would ask: is he meeting your needs?

OR

~ If you are content to ‘wait and see', then can you happily exist in the moment? Grateful for the quality interaction that IS and not worrying (borrowing trouble) over what ‘will be’.

[MENTION=26163]FutureInProgress[/MENTION] do you have any insights on the ISTJ dynamic?

 

[SearchingforPeace]

ISTJs can be horrible at understanding themselves and their desires. Usually they need a E to move things along.

One ISTJ I know dated his first wife for 4 years before she pushed him into marriage. He didn't know what he wanted and after 25 years, she dumped him. He is currently with a ENFP who moved things along quickly. He is not interested in marriage after 5 years, and may never.

My ISTJ father dated a girl for 4 years until my ENFP mom came along and they were engaged in a week (my mom proposed). They divorced 22 years later. My father then dated a woman for seven years, but was not sure. He met a vibrant ESFP and he was sprung. They got married in a year, but my father wanted someone like her.

ISTJs don't know what they want for a long time and rushing it leads to bad results.

So, be advised.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

First: hi there!! I'm new on this forum and I hope not to be very redundant, so I'm sorry if this kind of thing has been already discussed.
I really need advice, I feel very confused and I can't seem to get this situation straight. I'll try to be as clear as I can:
I'm an 29 years old female INFJ who had many relationships (really, lots, long term, short term, casual...) who met a 32 years old ISTJ guy through Tinder (well, we are I's) last year. Of course, I've found he's an ISTJ a month ago and some things started to make sense.
He never had long term relationships. Not even short ones. Had some one night stands and nothing more. He is a beautiful guy, really interesting but very quirky. We share a very similar view in life and enjoy the same kind of things, so we escalated the relationship quickly. Or at least, I did.
When we met, he told me that he was not interested in long term dating, that he didn't believe in relationships or love, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see what happened. Of course, I went mad lots of times because that approach was too rational for me to handle, but I still managed to be patient. He spent the first 6 months saying that we were friends. I already knew his family and closest (all) friends, and we spent at least 3 days a week together. I got really angry when he was unable to define us as a couple, but when I told him that we should split, he changed and started to adapt to the 'girlfriend experience'.
Next month is our first aniversary. We shared quite a lot of deep feelings, lots of times. He opened up to me quite easily, and always was sharp honest, sometimes giving me the nerves.
I'm in love with him, but he always says that he can't lie to me, that he doesn't love me but he wants to, that he feels a deep affection for me and would kill (sic) for me, and that we are still getting to know each other. Did I mention that we dated for a year already?
I know that words aren't his thing, I don't expect that anymore. But he acts like a loving partner, making lots of generous acts for me and giving me lots of time and space inside his life. So I'm so confused here. I'm afraid that he will never commit, I don't want to be stuck inside a relationship that is going nowhere.

So, he fits the ISTJ definition as if he was the exact example for that. For the exception of the weird fear of commitment that he has, opposite to what I've read. The question is: Have you had any similar experiences with ISTJ's? I don't really know what to think anymore and I don't want to push him, because that's what I tend to do as an INFJ and I know that would scare him.

Thank you very much for your time <3

TBH, if this guy is telling you he isn't *that* into you? I would back off a bit. Let him figure it out.

Take away the fact that you are in love with him and he says he "wishes he could be with you but he can't" (Ok. Either the guy is playing with your head - or - he is so green, it's ridiculous).

I don't know which it is so here is both scenarios but you may not be ready for any of this:

Let's say he is sincere but inexperienced - if you expect him to move further with you? Making him comfortable, won't do anything for him.

You gotta go with your gut here but you gotta put some sort of pressure on him. Without it, they don't get out from the comfort zone. They don't need to examine what they have until it isn't there.

My first bf was an ISTJ, and they take a while to warm up but a year should be about right, if this is his first relationship. I think it's time to make it or break it.

Still, you gotta shake him up a bit. Indirectly or directly (but politely) tell him you need more and then back off big time.

If he isn't that into you, he may rekindle but *nothing* will change. Tell him to kick rocks because you can't get blood from a turnip.

If he comes back and is different toward you and it will be obvious, then he just needed to figure it out.

But either way, if you want something different than what you have now, you have to risk moving on. I think it's worth it as there are so many men who would love the chance to date you. See?

 

[ZNP-TBA]

....

You met him on tinder...

Isn't that exactly what you'd expect from a person you meet on tinder?

After a year if he doesn't love you then why are you wasting your time? Do you think you can change him?

 

[Tilt]

If an ISTJ tells you straightforward that he does not believe in something, then he MEANS it.... You can calmly discuss the rationale behind things but for the most part his mind is made up.

If he doesn't believe in relationships or love, then don't force it. He already told you HIS boundary... you are just setting yourself up for disappointment with unrealistic expectations.

The dynamic you guys have sounds amazing for what boundaries were originally laid out but you are disappointed because you ultimately want something else.

Give him time and space to think about it and if you are still unhappy, then it's probably not a good fit.

 

[yoliyoli]

As an ISTJ, maybe I can provide some help? Obviously I don't speak for all ISTJs but I can try.

Let's see, ISTJs know their boundaries. They really do. They know what they like and dislike. They can be like INTJs in this way. It's all or nothing, one or the other. Let's go with I hate turnips. I just hate them. Can't eat them. But my mom makes me turnips for breakfast or some shit. I say no, of course not. And she says, "Honey, you need to get out of your comfort zone." First of all, what comfort zone? I'm not comfortable here. I'm fine here. A difference, you know. It's not something I need to get out of. It's just something I need to experience. That's what Si is. But Si is pretty flexible - it can take on anything, experiences, you name it. You just have to give them time. It's like introducing a raptor to a new environment. They're probably fine with it but they just need time to adjust. Forcing me to eat a turnip is not going to change my mind - it's only going to make me madder.
So same for your relationship - if your relationship is a turnip, then don't force it. If he doesn't like it, he will come to you. Same if he does. You can't force somebody to like a turnip. You can only make them a good meal, you know? I hope that made sense. If not, I'm sorry.

The fear of commitment is the Ne, man.

 

[maximilianmuel]

Hi doxodx,

I am new too, so I can’t really welcome you But welcome anyhow

Please allow me to add my thoughts as a fellow, but male INFJ to your problem-I know the following is rather big and difficult to define, but just indulge in it if you want:

How would you define “being in love”?

Or how would you concretely imagine your perfect relationship to be?

What is the difference of him being really close friends with benefits to you and being your partner in a romantic-loving relationship?

For example:

Is it important to you that he “labels” your relationship to the outside, that he goes around telling everyone that you are a couple, acts like it in public and tells you that you are in love or does he make you feel in love?
Or is it more important for you that he shows you that he really does care deeply [=love you] about you? How important is it to you and him that you are there for each other, that in each other’s company time seems not to move too fast? How important is it to you that he puts your needs first and vice versa?

I am asking you this because I had struggled with this in my life before, were I had the idea that someone telling me “I love you” automatically results in that person taking certain actions for you as a couple and as individuals.

It is important that you make it clear to yourself what exactly you want and if you are getting it out of your ISTJ.

Relationships are always a gamble: even if someone does marry one at some point (which ought to be the ultimate expression of love) one could leave one at a later date because things have changed. So you could try to pressure him into saying that you are a couple, that you are “exclusive” (that is where I think you want to go with your definition of being a couple) or you could just be content with the fact that you have met in the first six months of your relationship his family and his friends (which both are important-he would not have taken you there if he would not envision a future with you, trust me), that he shares his deep feelings with you and you with him (wouldn't do that either if you are just a short-term hook-up), that you spend the majority of time with each other (would definitly not do that). Above all else, he is honest with you. If he wouldn't be interested of keeping you and not hurting you he would just tell you whatever you want to hear, use you and toss you aside afterwards. But he doesn't.
He is willing to put himself out of his comfort zone to be with you (see “threat of split”).
He says he only had one-night stands, doesn’t believe in long term dating and relationships and yet you have a one-year anniversary coming up.

This does sound to me like you are, in fact, in a romantic-loving relationship. This sounds like you are a couple and in love.

Maybe his definition of “love” is different. Maybe he reserves it for long-term relationships that carry on over years and that only come from being in a relationship that started with a crush (in which you are attracted but not knowing the other person well) – so that he sees you two getting to the point of love-labeled relationship only after some time and some crisis that have shown the both of you who you truly are. Maybe he doesn't know how love is supposed to feel like, if he only ever followed his groin but not his heart.

I think you ought to talk to him (not on your anniversary ) about how really and deeply happy you are to have him in your live, to share your live with him. Tell him, that you think of the two of you as a couple and as exclusive but make it clear that he can refrain from putting the label on as long as he is uncomfortable with it. But demand that he, should he ever get the desire to not be with you anymore, or be with you less, that he is honest about it so that you can deal with it and perhaps together find a solution.

Personally, I would be perfectly fine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t tell me that she loves me but shows me through her actions that she does. Action, not Words, are what really matters.

I hope my thoughts help you. Let us know how it goes.

Remember who you are. Be happy. Take care.