[ESFJ] ESFJs and social constructs

[Annaifiwas]

Many ESFJs are very traditional, it's a known SJ trait. I have noticed how some ESFJs react BADLY when members of their inner circle or family break those traditions. Normally, those traditions are more social constructs, so as an intuitive, I find myself rather frustrated with their lack of acceptance for diversity and new thinking.

Say a female ESFJ has two daughters, both intuitives, and they are going to celebrate the youngest sister's (INFJ) 13th birthday in a couple of days. The older one (ENTJ), a junior in high school, is a vegan, which the parents (ESFJ and ESTJ, I've found this mix quite often), already aren't very happy about. The mother doesn't want to make ANY kinds of vegan food, but she DOES want the old daughter to eat something sugary on the youngest sibling's birthday. "Why?" one may ask. The daughter certainly did. And the mother answers that she does need something, because it is polite and social to eat things that others are eating, and to enjoy cake, ice cream etc. in the company of others. Daughter says it is absolutely cool, and that she didn't need to have anything, but the mother gets angry and asks why she has to stand and be weird. It's not like she doesn't eat good food other times. "I can eat dinner or something, but don't go through the trouble of buying me anything. And by the way, cake isn't food." Daughter's thoughts are "Why do we have to eat unhealthy in order to "have fun"?", "If I sometimes happen to eat something unhealthy, it's because I choose to do so, and because I want it at that time, not because everyone else is eating something.", "Why does the world revolve around food?" and "Why isn't it enough that I'm even there?"

This was just one of the many cases I've heard about from my friends and coworkers.

• What motivates this need for not standing out and social traditions?
• Why are some trying to mold others into believing in such simple-minded social constructs?
• Could enneagram and instinctual variants play a role in this?
• What factors is this behavior based upon?
• Or are simply all ESFJs unhealthy, and therefore are far too stuck in their own ways? (Which would be silly)

 

[Yama]

Or are simply all ESFJs unhealthy, and therefore are far too stuck in their own ways?

Definitely not this.

Also, I would not call being traditional an SJ trait per se. It comes with assumptions that are not true of many younger SJs (which is why many of them mistype as Ns, especially those with little knowledge of the MBTI).

This doesn't strike me as an ESFJ problem so much as a "parents" problem (because personally, I don't know any SJs who would throw a fit over something as small as this). Just tell the ESFJ that you don't want cake or whatever and that if they buy it, you're not going to eat it unless you feel like it, and if they get upset, well, it's a stupid thing to get upset about and they'll get over it eventually. Remind them that it's the bonding with friends and family part of the birthday that's more important than the food, if you want. And that it's an incredibly trivial issue in the grand scheme of things, and getting upset about something so small will "ruin" the birthday spirit more than not eating cake would.

 

[Haven]

Yea you don't have to be SJ to be stuck in one way of thinking

A good FJ would go the extra mile to make sure everyone feels included

I've never encountered an esfj/estj couple, I'd imagine it would be a disaster