Warning - heavy teenage angst will follow.
I'm turning 18 and I'm most likely spending my last year at home with my parents. The problem is that I'm having serious issues with my stubborn and bad-tempered ESFJ mother. I'm trying to tiptoe around, talk mainly about weather and engage in my own introvert activities in order to avoid fighting, but naturally we occasionally clash - and when we do, we clash hard.
I suppose that one of the things that causes the problems is that I'm consciously trying to be responsible for my own things and slightly pull away from the other family, as I know they won't be there for a long time anymore and I'm going to have to take the more or less full responsibility sooner or later. My mother is very sociable, somewhat clingy and she values closeness and intimacy. She is also very authoritarian and conservative. I very clearly see how she absolutely hates my introvert independence and my Ne slightly-revolutionary ideas. She has started to tell me to do ridiculous things just because she says so and that I have to obey because she's my parent, like to move things that I'm using at the moment to other places without any obvious reason or to start shopping as a hobby because I'm a girl. (She also accuses me for no longer watching TV with my family. )
She believes that she is extremely and above-average intelligent - she says that aloud. Well, she's extremely practical and sensible when it comes to everyday matters and I admire her because of that (I can't cook macaroni without ruining it) but when it comes to deeper things she's, honestly said, closer to dumb. (This is not to be taken as a generalisation, as I know several very smart ESFJs.)
She is extremely easily angered. Last time she nearly threw a chair through our kitchen window. She can also be very mean and even cruel, and she isn't afraid of aiming at the spot where she knows it hurts. She isn't guilty after that - she has managed to make me cry several times (I don't very easily cry because of negative or bad things) but she never apologises, she just tells me to develop a sense of humour or says that she has to "let it out". A few weeks ago during a fight I forced myself to calm down and told her, along with my sister, that she can't always force others to adapt to her and that it's rather selfish. I tried to make the message softer my assuring that I value her good traits. She responded by calling me unintelligent, humourless and hypersensitive. It was very frustrating.
Nothing is ever her fault - and the few times it is she plays martyr and melodramatically announces how she is mean and bad and can never do anything right.
Another frustrating thing is that she blames me for our arguments and she claims that I'm always trying to make up something to argue about, though I absolutely hate arguing. I try to avoid it as much as possible and I'm constantly going out of my way to keep our relationship as calm as possible. She misinterprets a lot of the things I say. (Of course it is likely the other way around as well, and that's why I try to ask questions to understand. MBTI has also helped somewhat - our arguments have fortunately become less frequent after me learning more about it.)
My mother of course has many very admirable traits as well (and we're not arguing all the time). I have listed only the negative ones above. I know that she's not a bad person. We just speak a very different language and we're on so different wavelengths that cooperation is often hard.
Do you have any ideas or experiences how I/we could improve the situation? I don't deny my responsibility of the situation and I'm sure that I'm the reason to at least part of the problem. It's just a little difficult to see all the angles, and that's why I ask for feedback (and there are many older-and-more-experienced-than-me people here ).