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  1. #11
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21lux View Post
    I'll pass this thread off to you then!
    What do you like the most about your friends?
    A lot of the time, I like people who like me.
    Not judging me negatively for who I am, but at the same time giving me honest insight into myself.
    Being able to discuss ideas, and appreciating my contribution.
    Not minding that I don't say much, and if I do manage to say something, listening and not talking over the top of me.
    I like kind people with good morals.

    What bothers you the most about people/what are your biggest pet peeves?
    Dishonest/manipulative tactics, such as talking about me behind my back and not ever saying anything directly to me or otherwise intentionally hiding the truth from me when doing so hurts me.
    People who take advantage of my lack of confidence and kindness to push me around.
    When people take advantage of anyone, knowing/assuming that there will not be ramifications for themselves.

    Also, what is the best way to help/support you when you're going through tough times?
    For me, I tend to have a lot of thoughts about things like if something is wrong with me, if something is going on that I don't know about, if something bad will happen etc. I need someone who can give me insight into what the truth is behind these thoughts.
    I need to be reminded that, whatever bad place I am in, that is not where I will stay and things will, or at least can improve if I try.
    Also you can't take it too personally if I push you away when I am feeling bad or if I say something hurtful, because my perception of how things are is at the time very skewed and I would never do that under normal circumstances, so be forgiving (though if you are the sort of person to engage in behaviours listed in pet peeves, I may have just decided you are a toxic person and chosen to distance myself for more rational reasons).
    Tell me good things about myself, but only if they are honest (as mentioned before, I do not like dishonesty, and if you are telling me a lie about myself then that is going to hurt me). For example, if you do enjoy my words or company then let me know, so I can feel that I am more important to you than I give myself credit for. Likewise, telling me when I am doing something wrong will be of great assistance. Basically be truthful with me, the good and the bad.

    This is what I can think of for now.

  2. #12
    Junior Member grenouille's Avatar
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    I have a brief romantic question. My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional. He has, however, asked me to move in with him when I graduate with my AA degree (in about one year), and has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything, and introduced me to his sister and her family (but not his parents, for reasons he gets really touchy about. He says he doesn't get along with them; end of story). I know he cares, and I'm wondering if him not saying he loves me is more semantics than a huge issue. I am almost afraid to ask him, because if he said no, that would really hurt. Ugh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  3. #13
    Sweet Summer Dik Dik yama's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grenouille View Post
    I have a brief romantic question. My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional. He has, however, asked me to move in with him when I graduate with my AA degree (in about one year), and has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything, and introduced me to his sister and her family (but not his parents, for reasons he gets really touchy about. He says he doesn't get along with them; end of story). I know he cares, and I'm wondering if him not saying he loves me is more semantics than a huge issue. I am almost afraid to ask him, because if he said no, that would really hurt. Ugh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    I'm no ISTJ but my best friend is, and he's not a spokesperson for the type of course, but he is the type who expresses love entirely in actions and pretty much never in words. He just finds the words too awkward. He feels a lot and he feels it pretty intensely but it is very private for him. Is this the same for other ISTJs?
    MBTI: ESFJ
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    not a type description

  4. #14
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    To me it was a big thing to say "love" out loud. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it has to do with being vulnerable. To me it's of utmost importance to be a steadfast and ever supporting person of safety. Being vulnerable and safe don't go easily hand in hand. At older age I have found the confidence to be open about what I love without actually being vulnerable.

    Besides, words are cheap. Cooking a meal takes time and dedication.

    has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything

    Quote Originally Posted by grenouille View Post
    My ISTJ boyfriend [...] has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything.
    Funny thing, it never worked out for me whenever I'd pay date's dinner. Those relationships would always end rather quickly. Whenever I didn't offer to pay, it always worked better.

    ISTJs like being supporting and providing. In some relationships little too much, to a point of being patronizing. Later on they might use it as a weapon ("I paid your expenses, you are mine now"). Better not base your relationships on that.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  5. #15
    deplorable basketcase Tellenbach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grenouille
    My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional.
    This problem should be sorted out asap. It might be a cultural quirk or how he was raised, but you really should let him know that it's bothering you. It's entirely possible that the guy is a jerk or a sociopath.
    Senator Rand Paul is alive because of modern medicine and because his attacker punches like a girl.

  6. #16
    Junior Member grenouille's Avatar
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    Lol, I have known him for two years, and am absolutely certain that he's neither. He's a really kind, supportive person, if also quiet and sarcastic, and was raised in a Methodist family (but is now agnostic). He has not had a speeding ticket since age 18, and is now 38; he has also held a job in the same company for the past ten years. I am no expert in psychology, but I do know that sociopaths are not noted for their consistency in much of anything aside from their own self-interest, and generally use charm to con their way into getting what they want. Although I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't charming, he is very blunt yet polite and does not see the point in sugar-coating things. As for being a jerk, everyone is at some point. But if he occasionally is, at least he's not a lying jerk.

    People tend to throw around the word "sociopath" a little too freely these days.

  7. #17
    Junior Member grenouille's Avatar
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    Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful and made sense from what I know of him. We generally take turns paying for stuff, or did before I went back to school. He is aware I'm dealing with student loans and getting financing for my program, so that's part of it.

    I know you guys are not all exactly the same person, but it does help to get feedback from someone who knows the thought process behind the behavioral patterns.

  8. #18
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    So can I ask a question about ISTJ?

    I am dating an ISTJ male, and recently found out my tattoo artist is also ISTJ. This is complicated for me as an INTJ because I don't like dealing with feelings but I have been realizing that a lot of paranoid thoughts I have been having are stemming from the fact that I do feel very "in tune" with my tattoo guy, and last time I went he seemed pretty irritable / frustrated with me because I never talk to him much. So, I decided OK I will be appreciative of what you've done for me, and I got him a card for his birthday and gave him my Wolverine Dog Tags (legit movie replica - because I identify with Rouge and have plans on getting a tattoo of her. I was hoping he would understand the reference - I like the relationship between Rouge and Wolverine because they have similar wounds, and seem to understand each other / get into each others heads without intending to so they kinda have this "friendship" throughout the series.) So yeah. he said thank you, and we chatted a bit on FB, and he said he would rather talk to me in person than on FB, so I said OK we can talk at the next appointment for my tattoo to be finished. I just feel like there are a ton of subconscious / underlying feelings going on and I hate feeling like someone might have an inadvertent influence over me so I want this shit sorted out and settled and decided so I don't feel on edge about it.

    I've been asking him off and on for probably 6 months to do the MTBI test, and he just took it and typed as an ISTJ. So I was pretty psyched by it because I've got a ton of abstract theories that make complete sense to me and I started chatting excitedly about the type and asking him questions, and explaining the differences in our personality. He pretty much stopped responding to me. I know that because he is an "S" instead of an "N" that most of the information I get will be non-verbal, because I've learned a TON from my man about just "being" in reality from being around his "sensing" type. The problem here is, I am super sensitive to rejection, and I really want to be friends with my tattoo guy, because I feel like he actually understands a lot of my craziness, and he's kinda been there and listened to me. First, I know as a female this is can be rough territory - some guys just want to be friends with "hot chicks" because they think they are gonna get laid. I do not think this guy is like that. He's just as deep and serious as I am, and that's why I am so psyched someone in the area can relate to me. But he just stopped responding to me at all. Now I have no idea what to think, so I basically just told him that I was gonna stop "running at the mouth" and wait until the next appointment which is June 13th.

    WTF, I am so confused so I've basically just decided not to say anything to him at all and just put it out of my head because I have no idea what to think. I don't share my theories with just anyone and the fact that he said nothing at all is kind of insulting and hurtful to me. But in the same, it's been my experience that ISTJ males don't know wtf to do with me. They just watch me and listen. It's infuriating. Why can't they fucking talk or at least say something so I don't feel like I am word-vomiting and making a fool of myself? HAAALLLPP!!

  9. #19
    Member cameo's Avatar
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    Welp--I guess it's been a few weeks now so maybe the most appropriate thing would be to begin by asking how things have gone since you posted this, as I am curious. Care to give an update?
    So what if I don't have a lot to talk about?/
    I shut my mouth and keep it locked until it counts/
    And what if I don't ever want to leave my house?/
    Stay on the couch while all my friends are going out/
    I'll make the journey down the hall back to my room/
    And kill more time, and let it rot inside its tomb/
    See, I ain't one to climb some social ladder to/
    Some Shangri-La that all the cool kids will abuse/

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