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  1. #1
    Member Unionruler's Avatar
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    Default How do you internally deal with failed relationships?

    Additional background info: I am a Christian; I like building relationships but I'm not popular or anything.

    I'm just wondering, have any of you ever felt like this before. Say you initiated contact with someone you were fond of (to be a SO or close friend of the opposite gender) and everything went well for a few weeks, shared stuff about yourselves online, perhaps went out or perhaps not, and then the person discovers something they don't like about you when you feel it should be trivial compared to all the good you have on offer. And then you start getting ignored, or at least the care you get decreases quite noticeably, and then you confront the person as sincerely and gently as you can, but they don't want you any more. This has happened with multiple people so it's not a single issue of incompatibility kinda thing.

    And in my mind it's like--I don't want to blame the person, I don't want to blame myself, I usually blame God at least somewhat because he has full control and there seems to be some kind of 'command responsibility' there. But at the end of the day I still feel like I'm being punished when I tried my human best.

    There is no direct question here it's free response, but those further from my type please try to be sensitive kaes? Fellow ISFJs can say anything harsh so long as it's sincere.

  2. #2
    Sweet Summer Dik Dik yama's Avatar
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    I haven't had this problem with any "romantic" relationships, but I have had something similar with friendships, so I'll just use that as my reference. In cases like those, at first I get really self-conscious and sad (because it's something about me they don't like, so I start to beat myself up about it). After that, I might get angry with the other person for being insensitive and petty, which leads right back into me beating myself up because I then feel guilty for thinking bad things about them.
    It hasn't happened to me multiple times though, so I can't imagine the pain I'd (probably) feel of being rejected time after time, especially if it was romantically. Let's just say, there would be a lot of crying. It helps me to move on from difficult situations to talk about my feelings to one of my really close confidant friends. I'm not religious myself, but if I was, I would probably do the same thing as you and kind of blame God since I'd feel like he's the one putting me through it all.
    Don't give up though!! Eventually it has to work out somehow. Or at least I hope so.
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  3. #3
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Blaming God? Why don't you ask why It did it?

  4. #4
    Senior Member senza tema's Avatar
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    How do I deal internally with failed relationships?
    - Very, very poorly. I don't cope well with rejection. Especially when I've poured time, effort and emotional involvement into a connection with another person.

    At the same time, if someone decided to take a dislike to me because of something trivial or something I didn't consider a flaw or maybe even considered a virtue ... I think I would question their judgement. And that would make it easier for me to deal with the loss because why would I want to be with someone who misunderstands and devalues me? Fuck that. It would still cause me pain though, especially if I really liked them ...

  5. #5
    Member Unionruler's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21lux View Post
    I haven't had this problem with any "romantic" relationships, but I have had something similar with friendships, so I'll just use that as my reference. In cases like those, at first I get really self-conscious and sad (because it's something about me they don't like, so I start to beat myself up about it). After that, I might get angry with the other person for being insensitive and petty, which leads right back into me beating myself up because I then feel guilty for thinking bad things about them.
    Ya the cycle for me goes self-conscious sad, then looks at the other person for being insensitive and petty, but not in a bad sort of way like I feel more helpless, then from there I think why am I being punished when I tried my best.

    It hasn't happened to me multiple times though, so I can't imagine the pain I'd (probably) feel of being rejected time after time, especially if it was romantically. Let's just say, there would be a lot of crying. It helps me to move on from difficult situations to talk about my feelings to one of my really close confidant friends. I'm not religious myself, but if I was, I would probably do the same thing as you and kind of blame God since I'd feel like he's the one putting me through it all.
    Don't give up though!! Eventually it has to work out somehow. Or at least I hope so.
    Thanks for the encouragement. ESFJs will cry under such circumstances too...?
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  6. #6
    Member Unionruler's Avatar
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    I get this conflict too. I can logically understand that most likely it wouldn't have worked and/or it's not worth being with people that don't appreciate me, but it still hurts quite bad. The latter affects me more because Fe > Ne.

  7. #7
    climb on Showbread's Avatar
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    @bronte27 is also a Christian ISFJ. She may have some useful insight.
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

    3w2 6w7 1w2
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  8. #8
    Member bronte27's Avatar
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    As a Christian ISFJ I could totally understand that reaction. I have never really had that happen in a romantic sense, but I've definitely had friendships where things just stopped for some reason and the other person just stopped being interested in being friends. I tend to put blame on myself first, and then sometimes transfer that to God in a "well you made me this way so its your fault!" type thing. It's always hard to put effort in and then have the other person turn their back. I'd say it just takes time to move past that, and I guess some training on trying to not immediately jump to blaming anyone involved (myself, God, the other person etc). I don't think it needs to be a matter of blame, but more a situation of "well that didn't work out too bad, I'll just keep trying" But hey such things are easier said than actually done. I wish you the best of luck and I'd encourage you to just keep trying. Put yourself out there and do your best and that's all it really comes down to. Best wishes to you!
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  9. #9
    Junior Member cheapsunglasses's Avatar
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    In not just romantic relationships, but most any relationship that goes wrong, I blame myself and examine what I could have done better, wiser, more, even if it wasn't my fault. It's really hard for me to let go of people that I let get close to me, so I don't let many get close. I've had to remove myself and end relationships that grew healthy. When someone removes themselves from me, I mourn internally, almost as if they died. It takes a while, but eventually it gets easier to handle.

    HTH
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  10. #10
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Very...privately, and too myself. The more I'm hurt, the more I withdrawal. When I broke up with my ex, I moved to another county and withdrew from all of my friends at the time. Most of those friendships ended because of that. They didn't seek to renew them and I don't have a lot of interest in renewing them myself.

    I don't like talking about it too much because I always feel like I'm burdening the people around me, so I usually keep my feelings to myself. I'm also very guilty of ruminating over my failures repeatedly.

    Sometimes being an Si-dom isn't fun.

    Fortunately I'm in a really good relationship now and while I get echoes of anger and hurt feelings every blue moon, by and large I'm doing really good now
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson
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