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  1. #1
    Senior Member lauranna's Avatar
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    Dear ISTJs or whoever feels inclined to read/give advice!

    I'm in a somewhat tumultuous relationship with an ISTJ and could use some advice. I feel like we don't understand each other at all.

    I'll give you a few details then if you get chance and could give some wisdom on how, if indeed it is possible, I can understand her better, and how we can move forwards, I would massively appreciate it.

    I'm a 31 year old ISTP and she is a 32 year old ISTJ. We have been together 18 months and we live together. She was previously in a relationship for 10 years with what I think was an INTJ and was very set in her ways and very set on how things should be and how she wanted her life to be. I am clearly very much the opposite, I tend to just let life happen and do whatever I feel like at any given time. I'm not big on making plans and this is a real issue for us. She has all these expectations for what she wants in a partner and I consistently fail to live up to them.
    She has a very stressful important job and I think that affects how she is with me .

    For some reason, I am totally in love with her. She intrigues me, I find her fascinating and clever. And the sex is awesome. But we argue all the time about shit ! She gets angry about me not having done the washing up or something equally as banal and sees it as signifying a lack of my commitment to the relationship. When really it's just because I'm lazy. She gets pissy about me going to play rugby because it signifies me preferring rugby over her when In reality I just like playing rugby. I find that I'm repeatedly in trouble for one thing or another like a naughty child and then she goes all cold and won't talk to me and I take it very personally . I don't even recognise myself any more I get upset when she gets all cold and distant and that's not like me.

    Anyway it's basically sometimes all loving and perfect (usually revolving around sex) and sometimes a fucking nightmare where I I drive her fucking crazy. And then she drives me fucking crazy with her icy response.

    Any advice much appreciated. Sometimes I think the best way is out but then I feel too emotionally invested to just leave. However I'm sure eventually I would reach that point. There seems like so much that is actually good that if only we could understand each other better then there would be no problem.

    Sorry for rambling on, if you have the time and inclination to respond I'd very much appreciate it.
    L x

  2. #2
    Member Jstrazz's Avatar
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    Hello Lauranna,

    I guess I will be the brave one to answer since none of the other 50+ will for some reason. Don't ever apologize for rambling: it gives us ISTJ's more details and if you don't know by now, ISTJ's love details.

    To answer your very general question at the forefront of your post, if you want to know her better, ask her specific questions and be very blunt: we ISTJ's don't mince words and we do not cower away from difficult questions.

    Now, into the nitty gritty, she works at a stressful job and therefore a lot of that stress is probably internalized/compartmentalized and brought into your household. There is no avoiding that. 1) She likes order and she gets it in most aspects of her life except for the one area that no one can control: her relationships, as in you. Dishes and whatnot are a control issue for her (and rightly so ) but they are not for you: hey, that's what makes us different. You need to get on that and tell her "hey I don't put a ton of importance on doing the freakin' dishes." I will say this time and again: honesty is the most important thing to an ISTJ.

    When it comes to rugby and you doing things you like: DO NOT BACK DOWN. Those are your interests and she needs to respect your independence (you ISTP's you ) and give you some space. If it were any other type, I would say ease into it or some other crap, but it's an ISTJ: go for the jugular and tell her that is what you like doing and it is your time and that if she wants more time with you, she needs to voice that very clearly. We ISTJ's need to be made uncomfortable once in a while (which we hate). The icy response isn't icy in our minds, that is our default (sad to say).

    Look, she loves you/likes you for who you are. We don't want another ISTJ to be with (oh lord how boring). Capitalize on your differences. This is what I would do: use the "banal" things she wants you to do as leverage: they shouldn't be assumed but should give you points towards what gives you both the most pleasure (sex).

    Please tell me your thoughts. I believe ISTJ's are worth it. We are just stubborn, control-freakish assholes sometimes and we need to be put in our place. What you described as your behavior is driving me crazy from across the interweb, but you know what: too bad. Relationships are always two-way streets: she needs to recognize that and understand your personality and where you are coming from. I'm not giving you a free pass to not do the dishes and clean up after yourself, etc. I am, however, recognizing that your priorities are different than mine (and hers) and that is what is an important first step in solidifying your relationship and taking steps to come closer together (what every ISTJ loathes but also longs for).

    Good luck Lauranna ( I hope I have not rambled too much).

  3. #3
    Senior Member lauranna's Avatar
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    @Jstrazz thank you. I so appreciate your response. I can't reply properly now but I will when I can. Just wanted to say thanks.

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    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lauranna View Post
    @Jstrazz thank you. I so appreciate your response. I can't reply properly now but I will when I can. Just wanted to say thanks.
    And where have you been?
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"

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    Senior Member lauranna's Avatar
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    Oh you know gem, having dramatic relationships saving the world etc etc!

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    Get out.

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    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lauranna View Post
    Dear ISTJs or whoever feels inclined to read/give advice!

    I'm in a somewhat tumultuous relationship with an ISTJ and could use some advice. I feel like we don't understand each other at all.

    I'll give you a few details then if you get chance and could give some wisdom on how, if indeed it is possible, I can understand her better, and how we can move forwards, I would massively appreciate it.

    I'm a 31 year old ISTP and she is a 32 year old ISTJ. We have been together 18 months and we live together. She was previously in a relationship for 10 years with what I think was an INTJ and was very set in her ways and very set on how things should be and how she wanted her life to be. I am clearly very much the opposite, I tend to just let life happen and do whatever I feel like at any given time. I'm not big on making plans and this is a real issue for us. She has all these expectations for what she wants in a partner and I consistently fail to live up to them.
    She has a very stressful important job and I think that affects how she is with me .

    For some reason, I am totally in love with her. She intrigues me, I find her fascinating and clever. And the sex is awesome. But we argue all the time about shit ! She gets angry about me not having done the washing up or something equally as banal and sees it as signifying a lack of my commitment to the relationship. When really it's just because I'm lazy. She gets pissy about me going to play rugby because it signifies me preferring rugby over her when In reality I just like playing rugby. I find that I'm repeatedly in trouble for one thing or another like a naughty child and then she goes all cold and won't talk to me and I take it very personally . I don't even recognise myself any more I get upset when she gets all cold and distant and that's not like me.

    Anyway it's basically sometimes all loving and perfect (usually revolving around sex) and sometimes a fucking nightmare where I I drive her fucking crazy. And then she drives me fucking crazy with her icy response.

    Any advice much appreciated. Sometimes I think the best way is out but then I feel too emotionally invested to just leave. However I'm sure eventually I would reach that point. There seems like so much that is actually good that if only we could understand each other better then there would be no problem.

    Sorry for rambling on, if you have the time and inclination to respond I'd very much appreciate it.
    L x
    I noticed this was a couple months old - so you may have gotten out of this situation by now.

    Are you emotionally invested or just not bored? lol....

    I kept being with an STJ because I did care and felt cared for but shit got old trying to communicate. A prime example of a fight.

    I wanted to go to a party. My friend was moving to another state. I told him I would get a taxi since I would probably be drunk. He offered to pick me up. I told him he didn't have to because it would be late. No problem, he wanted to. Cool right?

    I called him to pick me up at 3am. He does. Flips his shit because I am drunk (do you see the WTF cloud forming in my drunken mind?). He tells me he is upset not because I'm drunk but because while being drunk it would be much easier for me to possibly cheat on him. (something I have never done before and now I'm in trouble for something I "could have" done! WTF!). Told him flat out that I didn't have to be drunk to cheat on him and it was his problem if he didn't trust me.

    Cold shoulder and silent treatment all the next day. He was pissed.

    Now I had to smooth over a problem that was caused by him putting himself in a position that would upset him? IDK. That shit makes me angry just retelling it. I have no time for that kind of communication. So if that sounds familiar, I say dump the girl and find someone who is good in bed and less maintenance.

    I've currently been with an ENFP for two years. It's got it's negatives but overall it is awesome sauce.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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