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[MBTI General] Emotional Repression

á´…eparted

passages
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I really do not know how to do that, putting feelings aside to get things done and picking them back up later. I admire anyone who can. I just can't see how my feelings can be such a portable, removable, separate part of me that way. I always constantly consult my heart and if something is done without having my heart put in there, I'd doubt if I ever let things really "done" in a "cosmic" way. Not saying it's easy better that way though.

It's something that you start to learn out of necessity. Being able to put emotion aside did not come naturally to me and I had to train myself to do it (though some ways it was natural). You're an Fi dom though so it makes sense it would be an alien concept.
 

EJCC

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Story of my life.
:solidarity:

I really do not know how to do that, putting feelings aside to get things done and picking them back up later. I admire anyone who can. I just can't see how my feelings can be such a portable, removable, separate part of me that way. I always constantly consult my heart and if something is done without having my heart put in there, I'd doubt if I ever let things really "done" in a "cosmic" way. Not saying it's easy better that way though.
There's a strength that comes with that approach, that I'll never have. You end up being so familiar with your emotions that they don't really faze you much. In comparison, strong emotions can make me feel like I'm coming unglued -- I'm so used to them not being there at all, that I don't know what the hell is going on when they show up.

I'm not sure what a good INFP comparison would be. Maybe if all of a sudden you had no feelings at all, or your capacity to feel was reduced to a tiny fraction of what it is now. You'd be completely disoriented -- all your usual ways of doing things would be rendered invalid, and you'd have no way of figuring out what had just happened to you (since your usual way, consulting your heart, would be impossible). It's like that with ExTJs, only with feelings overwhelming our logical decisionmaking ability, seemingly from out of nowhere.
 

Ribbit

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Is this thread a troll attempt? Like seriously give some more details...
 

Sil

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Less of a struggle than it used to be. Still a struggle.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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People tend to repress emotions that they don't know how to deal with or they come into conflict with their sense of self or reality. If someone identifies as objective and logical, then they will tend to repress emotions that are in conflict with that self image. If someone is religious, they may repress desires that come into conflict with the ideals. When someone sees self as empathetic, they won't acknowledge a feeling in conflict with that self-image, etc.

Repressed emotions find a way out to be expressed, but it is typically an indirect path, they become sugar coated, disguised, so that they are packaged in a way acceptable to the conscious mind. This is the ripe field for passive aggression, most of which is done unconsciously.

Edit: The archetypical example of repression is when someone hates, or feels tremendous anger towards, their mother, but they feel guilty or afraid to acknowledge it. Instead they mistreat their wife, who instills no fear, and who never had the power over them that a mother figure could (or reverse the scenario with anger towards a father). That is why people abuse and assault- it is emotional repression. It is rage being misdirected to a "safer" place.
 

SearchingforPeace

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I suppressed a lot of emotions due to childhood. It wasn't conscious. I just didn't feel a lot and decided I was a cold thinking type.

Of course, I expressed plenty of emotions unconsciously, pushing and pulling at others unintentionally.

Only rarely did I feel anything, except general depression at times. Well, I could feel intense emotions during sex and intense exhilaration other times, but I rarely felt pain and anger and such. I had walled them all off.

I worked for horrible people when no one else could. I dealt with extremely difficult emotional situations without being touched consciously.

But I was miserable, because I was living half a life.

So, back in May I awoke and was hit with 30 years of suppressed emotions. The pain was excruciating. It was like every physical pain I had ever experienced combined multiplied by 100,000.

These days I try to feel my emotions in the moment. Sometimes I acknowledge them, but don't process them immediately. It works better.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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To process repressed emotions, I've found it helps to let go of inner constructs of self and reality. Letting go of value judgments of "good" or "bad" emotions, even self concept, etc. makes it easier to see deeper feelings that are painful or at odds with one's thinking. In the end I find one might as well be honest about feelings because they are there no matter what and they come out no matter what. It is easier in the long run to work on being conscious of yourself, so you can make decisions about how to deal with emotions.

I think I can repress feelings of attachment now because there is a fear that if I recognize how much I care, that then the next step is facing loss. It's not that repressed, but sometimes I feel more detached than is ideal. That detachment is a form of repression. I suppose it can also work to be aware of what is being suppress, and not force it out, but just be honest about it and give the emotion permission to correct itself naturally.
 

ceecee

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This is something I never did a lot of but I did it enough to where it bothered me for awhile. I may have to put emotions on hold to deal with them later but I will deal with them. But there are things I just don't have emotion about - good or bad. I seem to get more flack from people about that than any type of emotional reaction I may have, delayed or not. Why is it so unbelievable to not feel something about something?
 

Hawthorne

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I dunno, maybe. Possibly. Probably. More likely than not.

Actually, no.

I'm aware of them.

I just don't know how to communicate.

Is that the same thing?
 

SearchingforPeace

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Why is it so unbelievable to not feel something about something?

Because you are human. If you don't feel, it is highly likely it is just in your subconscious.

People used to ask me why I was unfazed by certain things. I realize now I felt the emotions, just didn't acknowledge them consciously.
 

ceecee

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Because you are human. If you don't feel, it is highly likely it is just in your subconscious.

People used to ask me why I was unfazed by certain things. I realize now I felt the emotions, just didn't acknowledge them consciously.

Since I acknowledge other emotions, it wouldn't make sense for me to ignore some at random. These aren't big life changing events either, they're just things. A 92 year old that passes away in their sleep isn't a tragedy to me, for example. I think celebrating their long life would be a great idea. That's not the way others saw it. This could possibly be a religious vs non-religious thing, I don't know. And I don't care. I validated their life. I didn't weep for it. Why does that matter to anyone else?
 

SearchingforPeace

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Since I acknowledge other emotions, it wouldn't make sense for me to ignore some at random. These aren't big life changing events either, they're just things. A 92 year old that passes away in their sleep isn't a tragedy to me, for example. I think celebrating their long life would be a great idea. That's not the way others saw it. This could possibly be a religious vs non-religious thing, I don't know. And I don't care. I validated their life. I didn't weep for it. Why does that matter to anyone else?

Ha, I usually celebrate lives versus mourning deaths. I prefer the warts and all approach.

There are many things some people get sentimental about needlessly.

But even so, during my suppressed feelings era, I could coldly argued for some absolutely horrible things and ignore human consequences as mere statistics. You know, the idea that a single death is a tragedy, while 1 million deaths are merely policy and numbers.

I had someone try to recruit me into the CIA because I had the required mentality to coldly manipulate and destroy human lives, without losing the sense of mission. So glad I avoided that, but I coldly played with human lives in other jobs anyway.

In no way could I do that today.

It isn't a religious thing, at least not a Christian thing. Buddhism stresses connection to all humanity.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Because you are human. If you don't feel, it is highly likely it is just in your subconscious.

People used to ask me why I was unfazed by certain things. I realize now I felt the emotions, just didn't acknowledge them consciously.
I know this is from another conversation, but I think a tell-tale sign of a repressed emotion is if the lack of emotion is out of place for the individual. It's when there is no emotional response when a partner, child, parent, etc. dies. Emotional responses or the lack thereof to more peripheral scenarios can just be different ways people are calibrated. If you think about it, we all often lack a grief response when a stranger dies - if they are far enough distant from us and our experience. It may even come down to something as simple as our physiology. Some people's minds may release more chemicals under different sorts of stress.

Emotional repression is seen when emotions are either too intense or absent for what is normal for an individual. There may even be some natural need for some repression. When people are in shock and denial as the first stage of grief, it can serve them well to deal with all the practical issues surrounding the tragedy, and then later they can retreat and deal with the emotion. The problem is when you stay in a state of denial. That is the same as staying in a state of depression. It is being "stuck" instead of processing and letting go of an emotion.
 

SearchingforPeace

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I know this is from another conversation, but I think a tell-tale sign of a repressed emotion is if the lack of emotion is out of place for the individual. It's when there is no emotional response when a partner, child, parent, etc. dies. Emotional responses or the lack thereof to more peripheral scenarios can just be different ways people are calibrated. If you think about it, we all often lack a grief response when a stranger dies - if they are far enough distant from us and our experience. It may even come down to something as simple as our physiology. Some people's minds may release more chemicals under different sorts of stress.

Emotional repression is seen when emotions are either too intense or absent for what is normal for an individual. There may even be some natural need for some repression. When people are in shock and denial as the first stage of grief, it can serve them well to deal with all the practical issues surrounding the tragedy, and then later they can retreat and deal with the emotion. The problem is when you stay in a state of denial. That is the same as staying in a state of depression. It is being "stuck" instead of processing and letting go of an emotion.

My wife's lack of emotions at the death of her father was a great example of this and really helped me to see things I never accepted before. But her denial was from decades earlier. Childhood trauma is so lasting. And in her case, may never end. My 48 year old wife still calls herself a child and engages in many childish behaviors as she is stuck as a 13 year old girl.....
 

Galena

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I really, really thought I didn't do this/wasn't capable of it. The exaggerated disgust I felt toward people who I felt were repressing should have been a clue.

Repression isn't always cool, polite and contained, as I mistakenly assumed. It can actually be quite expressive and stormy. We can escape from emotions to secondary emotions, or express them in a misguided way that is really about discharging them or fogging them up with in-the-moment adrenaline so they don't have to be deeply felt.

I took a bunch of notes on this recently when I read a book, so here are some examples from them of not so quiet repression:

Rage - flight from more vulnerable emotions into a highly stimulating one. Most sources I've read about anger have said it's almost always secondary. This was a highly embarrassing one to learn about. Many times, I've felt I was being the only honest person in the room by expressing my anger. But when I read about its relationship with fear and sadness, I knew. Who wants to own up to running away from something at the expense of others? I have a bad McFly complex about cowardice (nobody calls me chicken!), so of course my unconscious is going to do circus acrobatics to hide any personal patterns of it of it from my awareness.

Displacement - redirection of emotions toward something other than what really triggered them. It could be positive emotions, like doting on pets because one is afraid of humans rejecting them if they show affection. It could be negative emotions, like discharging grievances on people who are less likely to strike back than the real source of the stress. Emotion can be displaced onto the self, like blaming oneself for a problem to avoid standing up to someone else. Another humiliating highlight for me, having done literally all of these examples. Again, I didn't realize the dishonesty of it because I wasn't holding it in - but hiding can be about "where" as much as about "if".

Exaggeration of an emotion is just the opposite of minimizing it - each escapes the true significance of it and the challenge of its complexity by running to one pole or another.

Splitting - between good and bad. Either something is all one, or all the other. Idealizing or demonizing to avoid the feelings of uncertainty that come with accepting complexity and ambiguity in people or situations.

Regression - escape to an easier stage of life. Not acting one's age.

Drama can preempt a feared confrontation that was not necessarily inevitable - when it serves this purpose, it's the cognitive distortion of fortune telling coming to a head. Being convinced that a bad thing is coming, the anticipation is too much to bear. It can also be a way of extracting validation from others now, instant gratification. Difficulty sitting with the need for love. Being afraid to ask for company when lonely, so attracting others' attention with pyrotechnics instead - ironic how being ashamed of one's need for attention can precipitate way more extreme attention seeking behaviors than just unashamedly admitting the need.

Humor can remove the sting from a hard truth. It can be a useful way of introducing truth to the reluctant as long as it leads into dealing with the real emotional gravity rather than numbing it indefinitely.

Projection - as in the top of this post. Judging others with a special hatred that comes from knowing the fault intimately within oneself, whether one is aware of it or not.
 

EJCC

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^ [MENTION=17945]Nixie[/MENTION] Awesome post. I want to print it out and frame it.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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[MENTION=17945]Nixie[/MENTION]
Excellent post! What is the title/author of the book you referred to on this topic?
 

evilrubberduckie

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I dont have any emotional repression. Except with porblems that I havnt solved during my childhood. Most of it include.

Maternal.
Emotional.
Social/cultural clash.
Irrationality
Fatherly.
Commitment issues
Romantic (I have commitment issues. but THIS takes the cake.)

All of these I repress. Totally healthy individual otherwise. Very expressive. Very unorthodox, very "Talk the talk but no walking" type of ordeal.

Im working on it.

Im lying to myself.

Partially.

See my issue?

Don't worry Im totally emotionally stable though :)
 

Galena

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[MENTION=17945]Nixie[/MENTION]
Excellent post! What is the title/author of the book you referred to on this topic?
It was Hide and Seek: The Psychology of Self-Deception, by Neel Burton. It was very influential for me recently - still is.

[MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION], I heard you like lists. If you do, I bet you'd love the book like I did. It basically is a list of thirtysomething defense mechanisms the author has observed in his Oxford psychiatry practice. He lays out each one in a way that reminds me of an ISTP function order - describing the logic of each mechanism (why we do it), giving examples from his field of experience, tying up the data into a core meaning, and then moving on. The chapters are seldom more than a couple pages, dense and containing nothing irrelevant.
 

Silent

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Emotional repression can come from without and from within. I have experienced both. :mellow:
 
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