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  1. #61
    Junior Member dloaded's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    • Subtle guilt trips through self-victimization
    • Actively being a paragon of virtue, to use as leverage later ("If I'm perfect, then you have no excuse to be upset with me.")
    • Generally passive-aggressive (occasionally downright aggressive if they feel justified or people they love are threatened)
    • Self-pity/withdrawal/self-castigation
    • Mentally able to block out things they don't want to address (denial and repression)
    • Can keep record of wrongs easily
    • Prone to wild speculation when things are forced outside the box (i.e., weak N abilities)
    All of this is true of my b/f, which calls into question the type he's been ID'd as (ISFP). Are unhealthy ISFPs similar in any way to ISFJs? I've been going back and for between J and P for awhile now, but haven't had enough info to pinpoint him. Any help?


    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Well, remember everyone is different, even within a particular MBTI type. Different strategies sometimes are favored based on past experience(s).
    It makes me smile when I read your posts because you're SO thorough and efficient!


    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    the ISFJ might get clingy or want a lot of their time and energy, more than they have to give.
    Yeah, that was a little annoying at first...Now I'm just as clingy! :steam:


    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    My boyfriend responds positively when I distance myself because he's acting out of line. It's how I demand respect and works a lot better than going on an emotional rant about how I deserve respect.
    Whenever I leave my b/f gets more offended and stubborn and the self-victimization becomes amplified...He usually tells me to just stay gone. He does however, actually respond well if I hang up on him.


    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    He kept a lot of this inside and it ultimately surfaced in unhealthy ISFJ behaviors directed towards me because in his mind, I didn't see that he had done everything he possibly could do and that made him feel unappreciated.
    Something that could have been avoided had he been able to vocalize those feelings to you before he imploded on himself and then consequently exploded on you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sling View Post
    Sometimes it seems they are more like problem-relishers rather than problem-solvers...

    If you deal with them calmly and logically address the problem like a T would, they won't accept they are wrong.

    Thus arguing will get you nowhere with them. Attack the root of the flame, rather than the flames themselves. In fire theory, a fire needs 3 things to burn. Fuel, oxygen, and heat. So, consider fuel as an idea or object that they can obsess over. You can't really cut these off with reasoning, as they will fabricate more. Heat could represent the emotions that react with the fuel. That is where you need to address them.
    This is a very informative insight. I am in dire need of coping options right now re: my b/f. If we [read: I] don't figure some stuff out then we're probably not going to make it. So, I definitely appreciate what you've written!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sling View Post
    You could cut off their oxygen supply, but that could cause brain damage. My dad tried it. It only got him arrested, and then the argument continued over the police telephone.


    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    ISFJ's are fairly dependent beings and I have learned that letting them be dependent on you for support actually helps them build their own confidence and become more independently confident.
    So does that mean that he has his own positive self-talk now? He's learned to play the role you played before, for himself?

  2. #62
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Hrm, I thought you dug SJ's? Maybe just ISTJ's? Do you have any stories or concerns about ISFJ's you'd like to ask about?
    i dig people not types. one of my best friends is an ISFJ and he tends to be manipulative (not to me but others). just because someone is manipulative doesn't mean i wont be friend with them. im quite good at spotting people when they are manipulative so its not a problem.
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

    Mahatma Gandhi

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  3. #63
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mlittrell View Post
    i dig people not types. one of my best friends is an ISFJ and he tends to be manipulative (not to me but others). just because someone is manipulative doesn't mean i wont be friend with them. im quite good at spotting people when they are manipulative so its not a problem.
    Hrm, okay. Is one of your best friends ISTJ too? Where in the world did I get that idea from?

  4. #64
    Senior Member Wild horses's Avatar
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    Yea ISFJs when unhealthy can really use the guilt trip like no one else I know... they can even begin to stomp their feet and scream and shout like a toddler to get thei rown way (I have actually witnessed this) The thing I find the hardest to take is the emotional outbursts.. despite being a fellow feeler there is something about their emotionality which completely overwhelms me... Did I mention that I absolutely adore them also LOLOL! (Can't live with em and all that)

  5. #65
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wild horses View Post
    Yea ISFJs when unhealthy can really use the guilt trip like no one else I know... they can even begin to stomp their feet and scream and shout like a toddler to get thei rown way (I have actually witnessed this) The thing I find the hardest to take is the emotional outbursts.. despite being a fellow feeler there is something about their emotionality which completely overwhelms me... Did I mention that I absolutely adore them also LOLOL! (Can't live with em and all that)
    EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS?!?!?!?! :steam: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!11one

  6. #66
    Senior Member Wild horses's Avatar
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    LOL!!! We love you for it (Just as long as we're not on the receiving end of it) Seriously you guys out emotion me (Scary stuff!)

  7. #67
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Hrm, okay. Is one of your best friends ISTJ too? Where in the world did I get that idea from?
    i have A LOT of friends. my SJ friends are as follows: ISTJ x 2, ISFJ x 2, ESTJ x 3, ESFJ x 2. those are good friends. i know more lol. i use many of them in my SJ examples.
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

    Mahatma Gandhi

    Enneagram: 9w1

  8. #68

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    Yes this whole MBTI thing can be quite eye-opening information on yourself and things you do and feel. Personally I think it is amazing how accurate information on a specific MBTI type can be to a person of that type.

    I read most of this thread and I can agree/confirm a lot of the things that were mentioned.

  9. #69
    Junior Member chimpuloc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quietgirl View Post
    Very true. They also can get VERY stubborn and generally uncooperative. Also, they can get very critical of others when the criticism should be pointed inwards. I can tell my boyfriend's starting to do this when I bring up a problem I have with something he did or said and he immediately starts reciting a list of every single thing I've ever done to hurt him. He's also quick to point out anything he can think of that would shift the blame to me. When it gets to that point, I just leave the room or the apartment until he calms down - and when I get back, he always apologizes and feels terrible about his behavior.

    I've found the best way to deal with these behaviors is simply by giving the ISFJ some space to calm the heck down. There are issues in my relationship with an ISFJ that have had to be settled weeks after the fact because my boyfriend's stress/depression level was so high that he started exhibiting these behaviors.

    My boyfriend responds positively when I distance myself because he's acting out of line. It's how I demand respect and works a lot better than going on an emotional rant about how I deserve respect. Simply talking to him when he's depressed or stressed doesn't get much accomplished. He needs to see consequences of his actions when he's all caught up in his "stubborn martyr mode". Usually once the consequences are laid out in front of him, he will not cross the line again. Since both of us stopped putting up with destructive behavior from each other (I have my own set of unhealthy behaviors), our relationship's gotten a million times better.
    Usually when we get stubborn or uncooperative is because you're requesting something of us that you really have no grounds on (like borrowing money from someone and not paying back and then asking again). Ah yes, the critical part I think comes from, from what I've seen others say, us analyzing and judging others quietly, gathering information and details about a person...and yes, I would apologize too if I did those things. When you corner an emotional person the only option they have is hostility.

    That's a very good way to help him calm down. My 2 best friends are INTPs and whenever I get into an argument with them, I ALWAYS lose because it seems like they're being harsh and attacking my opinion when really they're being constructive. Maturity, I think, has a big part in this, ISFJs just have to learn how to take it OR think ahead before initiating we're not ready for.
    Like I've said before we think on instinct and emotions that are tied to details, it takes time for us to analyze a person's every flaw because we don't pick singular details, we take the whole picture.
    Which is why I'm TERRIBLE at debates.
    But, alas, there are many of us that develop in drastically different ways. so this may or may not apply to your boyfriend.

  10. #70
    Junior Member chimpuloc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    • Subtle guilt trips through self-victimization
    • Actively being a paragon of virtue, to use as leverage later ("If I'm perfect, then you have no excuse to be upset with me.")
    • Generally passive-aggressive (occasionally downright aggressive if they feel justified or people they love are threatened)
    • Self-pity/withdrawal/self-castigation
    • Mentally able to block out things they don't want to address (denial and repression)
    • Can keep record of wrongs easily
    • Prone to wild speculation when things are forced outside the box (i.e., weak N abilities)


    Those are the things I generally have experienced.
    Oh yeah! And one really REALLY big flaw that I've noticed of ISFJs, specifically in myself, we are very controlling.
    Example
    It's hard for us to let stuff go. (It's like a child that has lost interest in a toy and left it somewhere where another child picks it up and starts playing with it, and out of nowhere the child before returns and snatches it claiming it's his). I can also be very forward and extreme when I want something to happen. (Like going to a friend who owes me money and I take and keep what he used that money to buy unless he paid me back. Backstabbing a person because they back stabbed someone else in the back, etc.)
    I sense that this all stems from the J in our type.
    We want order, law, justice, organization, and to have these things we need absolute control of a situation.
    Good choice of words, by the way, Paragon of virtue I agree!
    It's a good thing ISFJ's don't like taking a leadership or follower role and more of an individualistic role

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