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Thread: ISTJ's... I could REALLY use some input here

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array pennyg703's Avatar
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    Dec 2013
    7 sx

    Default ISTJ's... I could REALLY use some input here

    hey, new here. and after 14 years of up and down with my husband we finally took an assessment... i think it explains a lot about why we fail to get each other most of the time. and its either learn to work in ways that the other can relate to or say goodbye to 14 years and 3 kids. I know we can adapt but how? I'm an ENFP and he is an ISTJ.... I'm beginning to get that what I often called "him being a dick" is simply how he functions and typical of the ISTJ which are totally foreign to how I relate and I know he is doing the same thing over me.

    Its complicated by me having bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder severe anxiety disorder severe depressive episodes and PTSD. The Severe depressive episodes are triggered by the anxiety which is triggered by the PTSD which he is the causal factor of which gets triggered by him creating distance when i have anxiety which cycles and creates even more of an issue... my PTSD stems from his abandonment of me by leaving all of my possessions on my dead (recently) parents back porch and leaving me waiting at the house I thought we were moving in to whiel he drove to TX with our kids. SO its pretty harsh for me when he shuts down.

    his socionics type is ISFj and his Enneagram is a 3 so & my socionics is ENFp and enneagram is 7 sx if that helps.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Habba's Avatar
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    Jul 2008


    This is a difficult post to answer, so I guess which is why no one has done so yet. I'll give you my input since you asked it, but feel free to ignore it if you feel I'm wrong (and there's a good chance that I am).

    Its complicated by me having bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder severe anxiety disorder severe depressive episodes and PTSD.
    Having gone through moderate depression myself, I know it's difficult, hard to understand and a very personal issue. I hope you have a working plan (effective psychotherapy, right medication, a supportive environment and strong commitment) with you to help you through these issues. However, if I may, I'd still say that they are your issues and yours to resolve. It feels wrong that you blame your husband for evoking these feelings in you. In the end, the trigger is in you, not with him. It is also wrong to blame yourself for these issues as well. I feel that gone unsolved these issues will poison your marrige to a point in which there is no return. But as I have really no knowledge of what's going on with you and your husband so don't take my words too literally.

    As for ENFP - ISTJ dynamics, I have some more concrete input to give. For some reason, these two types feel compatible from the start, but quite quickly turn to be very much the opposites they are. The greatest challenge these two have is the communication (well, as always). It's very much about the expectations and things between the lines that can cause much grief between these two. Being in a NF-SJ relationship myself, it takes great energy to match up our levels of communication. The most effective way so far for me has been is trying to imagine the way she would say the same thing I'm about to say. By mimicing her actions and thoughts helps me understand her logic through the situtation and gives me better understanding of her nature. I find myself asking a lot more often "how does this make me feel?". On the other hand, I'm happier when she leaves all the logistics and scheduling to me as she can't really manage them and they can even be intimidating to her. To me, all that comes naturally.

    Whenever we have an argument, she usually becomes more heated (as she hates arguments and feels repulsed by them) and I become calm, analytical and logical. I'm trying to keep calm, but as a matter of fact it worsens the situtation as she views it as me not giving a damn, shutting down or remaining distant. We both have the goal (to solve the argument), but have different tools (showing emotion vs. showing reason) to achieve it and that keeps us from working together. Best way would of course be using both tools together.

  3. #3
    Permabanned Array
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    Aug 2010


    if he's in fact an ESI, you probably don't give him enough conflict, or you aren't enough of an asshole to keep him interested.

    You're probably so sweet that it drives him crazy. Ever try being an ass hole? It probably goes against your moral code but it works.

    /Se problems

  4. #4
    failed poetry slam career Array chubber's Avatar
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    Oct 2013
    5w4 sx
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