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[MBTI General] ESFJ's help an INTJ out, please. (INTJ female needs help with ESFJ male)

Harlow_Jem

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
219
MBTI Type
eNTJ
Enneagram
8w9
So when I first met ESFJ I really did not like him, I wanted to get as far away from him as possible; something about him rubbed me the wrong way. And it wasn't because he was rude or anything like that; in fact the opposite. But he was just too goddam friendly. Anyway, to make a long story short, he was very intent on pursuing me so I decided, "it's summer and he's adorable, why the fuck not." We had been hooking up and hanging out/getting close when one night I completely fucked it up. I was drunk and completely messed up on xanax and half consciously laid down on his best friends bed and ended up sleeping with his best friend.

I told him about it right after because I didn't want to lie to him but he was understandably cold about it and said something like, "nah I dont care you do what you gotta do" and sent me several sarcastic/mean texts and kept saying, "just kidding" afterwards. And last night, coming back from a party I texted him with, "I'm driving back from (town), are you up to chill or should I call it a night?" and he replied with, "call it a night." ouch. I still can not believe I sort of fell for an ESFJ AND fucked it up so badly. Is there any way to salvage this or is this too fucked up to reconcile?


--------------------------------------
UPDATE:
Ok, I need more help. He's been out of state for the past week and a half and last night I got really drunk and texted him with:
"I miss you darling"
He texted back: "Lies"
Me: "Sweetie, I'm being straight up...I miss you"
Him: "ehh idk, well ill be back sat"
Me:"baby tell me you miss me"
Him: "well i do but i don't really believe you"
Me: "ive been thinking about you this whole time...fuck everyone else its just you and me"
Him: "well i guess we'll see what happens...im kinda shaky about this whole thing since all that happened"
Me: "me too...the next time I see (best friend) i will punch him in the face for both of us...i miss you!"
Him: "miss you too"

An hour later, he texts me with: "what are you doing"

And tonight, he updates me with: "im coming back sunday night now"
I reply with: "alrightey...still miss you foo'"
Him: "alright alrighttt i miss you too"
Me: "haha shut up...btw sorry for being a drunken fool yesterday"
Him: "dont worry about it i was JUST as drunk as you were haha"

Please help, what does this all mean, if anything? ESFJ's work so completely differently from INTJ's that I am so lost right now. Is he just updating me that he's coming back on sunday out of obligation or would he not even bother to reply/text me if he didn't care? Am I coming off too strong? This is all so completely stupid and yet I can't get myself out of it.
 
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Didums

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2008
Messages
680
Uhhh, you fucked up. Sorry to say but I think its game over for you two :(
 

01011010

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2008
Messages
3,916
MBTI Type
INxJ
Sleeping with the best friend is a death sentence. It's hard to believe your really in love with him.
 

Magic Poriferan

^He pronks, too!
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
14,081
MBTI Type
Yin
Enneagram
One
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Just to make sure...
Do you mean sleeping, as in really just sleeping? Or did you actually make the whole mistake of having sex?
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yeah, I don't think you're in love with him either. I also say it's over. Even if he did chill with you, he probably could only use you for sex and I'm sure you don't want that.
 

hidden

New member
Joined
Jul 9, 2008
Messages
17
MBTI Type
ISTJ
It's done. Just let it go and move on. Lesson learned. When choosing to drink alcholic beverages and take any kind of medications...stay home. If you continue to try and 'fix' what you broke, he will continue to pull your chain, play with your emotions, and play mind games with you. I personally don't take very kindly to mind games (no matter with the motive is). That, in my book, gives me enough incentive to cut that person off. Because of your actions, he may never see you the same again which will give him enough of a motive to continue to treating you as if you did not matter. Just do yourself a favor...cut.him.off...completely. Move on. Judging from his reactions towards your recent 'activies' it appears that he's done the same. You may want to give his friends the same treatment as well or you could end up giving his friends motive to treat you like you don't matter either. Not to sould harsh...but...seriously...just do yourself a favor...move on and leave him alone.
 

Veneti

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2007
Messages
264
MBTI Type
XNTX
INTJ

Interestingly...

INTJ women seem nothing like us INTJ men.

I have yet to meet an INTJ woman (and I know a few that must be that type) that I have had any affection for after speaking to them for any period of time.

I think INTJ women are so alienated from the clan of women that they are truly messed up. Unemotional b*tches really, its a pity they somehow default into the male category of INTJ.

Male INTJs seem generally to use their T to counteract their almost F side, whereas INTJ women seem to just not have an F side and by implication type as a T.

If life is snakes and ladders... then I'm afraid you're in the snake pit. Possibly not a bad thing... just depends if you ever want some form of long term relationship...

Ask most INTJ males... they'll take a traditional and kind woman (ISTP or anything) over a heartless and unemotional slapper for a long term partner.

lol... I hope you're playing devils advocate...:devil:
 

Harlow_Jem

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
219
MBTI Type
eNTJ
Enneagram
8w9
So you're all saying that there is absolutely no way to salvage this?? I mean, come on...there's a way to solve everything. I know it's my fault that I got completely trashed but I laid down on the bed and his best friend literally grabbed me like a ragdoll and after that, I don't remember shit. If I was any less fcked up and had any control of my mental functioning, I would have punched him in the face if he touched me otherwise. Isn't there any way to explain this to him? How does a T woman learn to appeal to/get through to an F male?
 

Didums

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2008
Messages
680
Strategize. Say that the guy raped you (it wasn't consentual) to draw sympathy from the ESFJ guy and get rid of his best friend so that you two can spend time together. Problem solved? I mean its a heartless plan but who knows it could work lol. Also, you didn't get this advice from me :ninja:
 

Economica

Dhampyr
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
2,054
MBTI Type
INTJ
I know it's my fault that I got completely trashed but I laid down on the bed and his best friend literally grabbed me like a ragdoll and after that, I don't remember shit. If I was any less fcked up and had any control of my mental functioning, I would have punched him in the face if he touched me otherwise. Isn't there any way to explain this to him? How does a T woman learn to appeal to/get through to an F male?

Hi, INTJ female overe here sympathetic to the desire to be able to solve everything. :hi: ;)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but technically you were raped, right? Leaving aside for now the question of whether you are repressing an emotional reaction to that (others can probe that better than I can and I'm sure they will now that I've thrown the 'r' word out there), I have to say I don't wonder at the ESFJ reacting as if you willingly slept with his friend when your focus seems to be on winning the ESFJ back rather than on reacting to the rape. This discrepancy between your behavior and expected/normal behavior steals verisimilitude from your version of events. If you were to win the guy back, your best bet would be to stop trying and to instead start somehow reacting to the rape - although I have a feeling it's too late.

I'd write more but I'm out of time! :doh:

Edit: Didn't see Didums' post until now obviously.
 

Angry Ayrab

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
600
MBTI Type
ENFP
Strategize. Say that the guy raped you (it wasn't consentual) to draw sympathy from the ESFJ guy and get rid of his best friend so that you two can spend time together. Problem solved? I mean its a heartless plan but who knows it could work lol. Also, you didn't get this advice from me :ninja:


holy crap, I can't believe I just read that before going to bed, funny yet really effed up in a funny sort of way.
 

Harlow_Jem

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
219
MBTI Type
eNTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Well, it wasn't rape because I didn't say no nor did I care at the time because I was so fcked up that it never even occurred to me that I shouldn't sleep with his best friend. That's how temporarily insane you get when you get wasted on xanax. Anyway, I guess you guys are right. I should probably just let him be.
 

Didums

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2008
Messages
680
It isn't consentual unless you say "Yes"! (I learned something in Health class who would've thought). If you were not in the mental condition at the time to say "Yes" or "No" then it is rape, simple as that.

Edit: Didn't see Didums' post until now obviously.

Lol yea but mine was wayyyy more messed up, and sorry potentially giving you nightmares Angry Ayrab :p
 

pure_mercury

Order Now!
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
6,946
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Personally, I'd stay the hell away from both of these guys. One is a complete creep, and explaining the story to the ESFJ would be problematic, since he may be inclined to believe his friend's version of events. I'd leave it alone, and work on your own issues.
 

hidden

New member
Joined
Jul 9, 2008
Messages
17
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Another INTJ female over here. No...there is nothing that you can to do fix this. Nothing at all (unless it's heartless and cruel). The more you try to 'fix' this the worse that it will get for you. Meaning, the worse that he (and his friends) will be treating you. It's only a matter of time before your feelings will be involved, then you will be hurt, humiliated, and embarrassed in the worst way. You will be better off just cutting him and his friends out of your life. Why waste your time with someone who no longer cares about you or who (now) doesn't give a shit about how he treats you? C'mon hon. You know better than this...you know better than to chase after a guy that doesn't want you. ...not even being 'just friends' will help the situation. Just leave him alone and move on. Some guys (I said some, not all...please don't flame me) are so basic and primal that their main focus is sex sex sex. And they will do ANYTHING for it. And they don't care about females feelings and emotions (as in your case) when trying to pursue that which they desire most. Use this as a learning lesson. Next time you go out...and choose to drink, either bring someone along who doesn't drink to watch you or simply stay home to drink.
 

pure_mercury

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Feb 28, 2008
Messages
6,946
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ESFJ
Another INTJ female over here. No...there is nothing that you can to do fix this. Nothing at all (unless it's heartless and cruel). The more you try to 'fix' this the worse that it will get for you. Meaning, the worse that he (and his friends) will be treating you. It's only a matter of time before your feelings will be involved, then you will be hurt, humiliated, and embarrassed in the worst way. You will be better off just cutting him and his friends out of your life. Why waste your time with someone who no longer cares about you or who (now) doesn't give a shit about how he treats you? C'mon hon. You know better than this...you know better than to chase after a guy that doesn't want you. ...not even being 'just friends' will help the situation. Just leave him alone and move on. Some guys (I said some, not all...please don't flame me) are so basic and primal that their main focus is sex sex sex. And they will do ANYTHING for it. And they don't care about females feelings and emotions (as in your case) when trying to pursue that which they desire most. Use this as a learning lesson. Next time you go out...and choose to drink, either bring someone along who doesn't drink to watch you or simply stay home to drink.

I won't flame you, but the ESFJ guy doesn't sound like a "sex sex sex" type. He sounds like the "it's over now that you've slept with/been assaulted while intoxicated by my friend" type.
 

hidden

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Joined
Jul 9, 2008
Messages
17
MBTI Type
ISTJ
I won't flame you, but the ESFJ guy doesn't sound like a "sex sex sex" type. He sounds like the "it's over now that you've slept with/been assaulted while intoxicated by my friend" type.

Yeah he does sound like that. I'm not saying all guys are like that or him in particular. Just trying to arm her with more info on how some other guys can be especially when drugs (of any kind) and alcohol are involved. I just don't want her to end up in this situation (or a similar situation) again. ...doesn't hurt to try...
 

Angry Ayrab

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
600
MBTI Type
ENFP
wow, you guys are all making out this ESFJ to be the bad guy here, even though he is the one that got cheated on. Well, he is an ESFJ so he probably doesn't think about anything but sex, not the fact that he got cheated on, rolls eyes.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
So you're all saying that there is absolutely no way to salvage this?? I mean, come on...there's a way to solve everything. I know it's my fault that I got completely trashed but I laid down on the bed and his best friend literally grabbed me like a ragdoll and after that, I don't remember shit. If I was any less fcked up and had any control of my mental functioning, I would have punched him in the face if he touched me otherwise. Isn't there any way to explain this to him? How does a T woman learn to appeal to/get through to an F male?

I'm still missing something.

It's sounds like you were severely taken advantage of. If you don't want to call it rape then fine but you had impaired mental functioning that did not allow you to consent to sex. As Economica already stated, your priority is not repairing this hook-up/fling with the ESFJ it's about getting yourself to some place to know what next steps to take. If you're OK with what happened between you and this guy's friend no one can make you feel violated if you don't feel like you have been. I still suggest you report this to the local police department even if you don't press any charges.

Here's some information that you may want to take a look at.

Date Rape
Most friendships, acquaintances, and dates never lead to violence, of course. But, sadly, sometimes it happens. When forced sex occurs between two people who already know each other, it is known as date rape or acquaintance rape.

Even if the two people know each other well, and even if they were intimate or had sex before, no one has the right to force a sexual act on another person against his or her will.

Alcohol is often involved in date rapes. Drinking can loosen inhibitions, dull common sense, and -for some people -0 allow aggressive tendencies to surface.

Drugs may also play a role. You may have heard about "date rape" drugs like rohypnol ("roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), and ketamine. Drugs like these can easily be mixed in drinks to make a person black out and forget things that happen. Both girls and guys who have been given these drugs report feeling paralyzed, having blurred vision, and lack of memory.
Date rape - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What exactly did you tell this dude because it seems to me you made it sound like drunken sex, not that you were passed out on the bed not knowing what was happening to you. Does he know that his best friend is the type of man to take advantage of an incapacitated woman? Would you even want to be with a guy who didn't believe you or at least dig a little deeper to find out what really happened between you and his friend?

BTW, how old are you?
 
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