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  1. #1
    Senior Member Harlow_Jem's Avatar
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    Default ESFJ's help an INTJ out, please. (INTJ female needs help with ESFJ male)

    So when I first met ESFJ I really did not like him, I wanted to get as far away from him as possible; something about him rubbed me the wrong way. And it wasn't because he was rude or anything like that; in fact the opposite. But he was just too goddam friendly. Anyway, to make a long story short, he was very intent on pursuing me so I decided, "it's summer and he's adorable, why the fuck not." We had been hooking up and hanging out/getting close when one night I completely fucked it up. I was drunk and completely messed up on xanax and half consciously laid down on his best friends bed and ended up sleeping with his best friend.

    I told him about it right after because I didn't want to lie to him but he was understandably cold about it and said something like, "nah I dont care you do what you gotta do" and sent me several sarcastic/mean texts and kept saying, "just kidding" afterwards. And last night, coming back from a party I texted him with, "I'm driving back from (town), are you up to chill or should I call it a night?" and he replied with, "call it a night." ouch. I still can not believe I sort of fell for an ESFJ AND fucked it up so badly. Is there any way to salvage this or is this too fucked up to reconcile?


    --------------------------------------
    UPDATE:
    Ok, I need more help. He's been out of state for the past week and a half and last night I got really drunk and texted him with:
    "I miss you darling"
    He texted back: "Lies"
    Me: "Sweetie, I'm being straight up...I miss you"
    Him: "ehh idk, well ill be back sat"
    Me:"baby tell me you miss me"
    Him: "well i do but i don't really believe you"
    Me: "ive been thinking about you this whole time...fuck everyone else its just you and me"
    Him: "well i guess we'll see what happens...im kinda shaky about this whole thing since all that happened"
    Me: "me too...the next time I see (best friend) i will punch him in the face for both of us...i miss you!"
    Him: "miss you too"

    An hour later, he texts me with: "what are you doing"

    And tonight, he updates me with: "im coming back sunday night now"
    I reply with: "alrightey...still miss you foo'"
    Him: "alright alrighttt i miss you too"
    Me: "haha shut up...btw sorry for being a drunken fool yesterday"
    Him: "dont worry about it i was JUST as drunk as you were haha"

    Please help, what does this all mean, if anything? ESFJ's work so completely differently from INTJ's that I am so lost right now. Is he just updating me that he's coming back on sunday out of obligation or would he not even bother to reply/text me if he didn't care? Am I coming off too strong? This is all so completely stupid and yet I can't get myself out of it.
    Last edited by Harlow_Jem; 07-24-2008 at 01:52 AM. Reason: Updated.

    "I have no need for good souls; an accomplice is what I want"--Sartre


    psychic changes are born in your heart, entertain.

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  2. #2
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    Uhhh, you fucked up. Sorry to say but I think its game over for you two

  3. #3
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    Sleeping with the best friend is a death sentence. It's hard to believe your really in love with him.

  4. #4
    ^He pronks, too! Magic Poriferan's Avatar
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    Just to make sure...
    Do you mean sleeping, as in really just sleeping? Or did you actually make the whole mistake of having sex?
    Go to sleep, iguana.


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    Live and let live will just amount to might makes right

  5. #5
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Yeah, I don't think you're in love with him either. I also say it's over. Even if he did chill with you, he probably could only use you for sex and I'm sure you don't want that.

  6. #6
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    It's done. Just let it go and move on. Lesson learned. When choosing to drink alcholic beverages and take any kind of medications...stay home. If you continue to try and 'fix' what you broke, he will continue to pull your chain, play with your emotions, and play mind games with you. I personally don't take very kindly to mind games (no matter with the motive is). That, in my book, gives me enough incentive to cut that person off. Because of your actions, he may never see you the same again which will give him enough of a motive to continue to treating you as if you did not matter. Just do yourself a favor...cut.him.off...completely. Move on. Judging from his reactions towards your recent 'activies' it appears that he's done the same. You may want to give his friends the same treatment as well or you could end up giving his friends motive to treat you like you don't matter either. Not to sould harsh...but...seriously...just do yourself a favor...move on and leave him alone.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    Default INTJ

    Interestingly...

    INTJ women seem nothing like us INTJ men.

    I have yet to meet an INTJ woman (and I know a few that must be that type) that I have had any affection for after speaking to them for any period of time.

    I think INTJ women are so alienated from the clan of women that they are truly messed up. Unemotional b*tches really, its a pity they somehow default into the male category of INTJ.

    Male INTJs seem generally to use their T to counteract their almost F side, whereas INTJ women seem to just not have an F side and by implication type as a T.

    If life is snakes and ladders... then I'm afraid you're in the snake pit. Possibly not a bad thing... just depends if you ever want some form of long term relationship...

    Ask most INTJ males... they'll take a traditional and kind woman (ISTP or anything) over a heartless and unemotional slapper for a long term partner.

    lol... I hope you're playing devils advocate...

  8. #8
    Senior Member Harlow_Jem's Avatar
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    So you're all saying that there is absolutely no way to salvage this?? I mean, come on...there's a way to solve everything. I know it's my fault that I got completely trashed but I laid down on the bed and his best friend literally grabbed me like a ragdoll and after that, I don't remember shit. If I was any less fcked up and had any control of my mental functioning, I would have punched him in the face if he touched me otherwise. Isn't there any way to explain this to him? How does a T woman learn to appeal to/get through to an F male?

    "I have no need for good souls; an accomplice is what I want"--Sartre


    psychic changes are born in your heart, entertain.

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  9. #9
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    Strategize. Say that the guy raped you (it wasn't consentual) to draw sympathy from the ESFJ guy and get rid of his best friend so that you two can spend time together. Problem solved? I mean its a heartless plan but who knows it could work lol. Also, you didn't get this advice from me

  10. #10
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harlow_Jem View Post
    I know it's my fault that I got completely trashed but I laid down on the bed and his best friend literally grabbed me like a ragdoll and after that, I don't remember shit. If I was any less fcked up and had any control of my mental functioning, I would have punched him in the face if he touched me otherwise. Isn't there any way to explain this to him? How does a T woman learn to appeal to/get through to an F male?
    Hi, INTJ female overe here sympathetic to the desire to be able to solve everything.

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but technically you were raped, right? Leaving aside for now the question of whether you are repressing an emotional reaction to that (others can probe that better than I can and I'm sure they will now that I've thrown the 'r' word out there), I have to say I don't wonder at the ESFJ reacting as if you willingly slept with his friend when your focus seems to be on winning the ESFJ back rather than on reacting to the rape. This discrepancy between your behavior and expected/normal behavior steals verisimilitude from your version of events. If you were to win the guy back, your best bet would be to stop trying and to instead start somehow reacting to the rape - although I have a feeling it's too late.

    I'd write more but I'm out of time!

    Edit: Didn't see Didums' post until now obviously.

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