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Thread: Ask an ESFJ

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Showbread View Post
    - It can be weird, and slightly disconcerting interacting with lots of people who you know perceive you as a bit shallow and overbearing. Honestly, it can make me feel a bit self conscious. I definitely feel pressure to not act according to the stereotypes.

    - I actually get along with them quite well. One of my very good friends is an INTP. We have some very interesting conversations since he sees basically everything differently then I do. Our relationship has definitely been a learning experience for me. I love talking about feelings. It comes so naturally. He avoids it at all costs and sometimes it drives me crazy. I've just had to learn that people need different things.

    Really CapLawyer? Wouldn't it have just been easier to go to the ESFJ hate thread rather than post a long list of reasons you don't like ESFJs worded as questions? Actually, most of them aren't even questions, they're accusations with questions marks. So, just a warning, a lot of my answers are just going to be corrections of your false perceptions. I apologize in advance for the sass.


    - I like that they are contemplative and think deeply about things. I like that the one I know is a very good listener. I like that their slightly twisted sense of humor, and ability to be apathetic about things that really aren't that important.
    - I dislike that I have to play games to get to know them and earn their trust.
    [*]Can you explain this annoying trend I keep noticing where ESFJs think they are better than INTPs?
    - No, I can't. I think I am better at some things than INTPs, but I also think INTPs are better at some things than I am.
    [*]Can you explain why I keep noticing that ESFJs sees every fault of an INTP (whether real or imagined) as insufferable and unacceptable, while thinking their own faults should be tolerated and accepted (or while thinking they are perfect and have the right point of view on everything)?
    - Nope. Everyone has faults.
    [*]What's with the sex thing? I hear that after any little squabble, or after any perceived slight (usually imagined) ESFJs stop "putting out" as a retaliatory mechanism.
    - I've never been sexually active, but when I am upset with people I typically want distance from them. Sex is basically the opposite of distance.
    [*]Why does everything become something that offends you or that you see as a slight?
    - Are you seriously implying that ESFJs are offended by everything? That's just absurd.
    [*]Why do you say nice things to people, then talk shit about them behind their back?
    - Why does anybody do that? I don't think this is an ESFJ thing. Literally almost every female I've ever met does this. Probably because it's not socially acceptable to say rude things to their face. I don't think ESFJs do this any more than any other type. In fact, my INTP friend does this quite a bit.
    [*]Why are you so convinced that your way is the correct way, even when proven wrong?
    - Maybe your "proof" is not sufficient for them?
    [*]Do you think there is something wrong with overreacting, or reacting to things so emotionally?
    - The word "overreacting" is highly subjective.
    [*]Why do you so strongly believe things should be done in a certain way, while showing very little flexibility even when you end up being wrong?
    - I do things the way that seems most efficient to me, if you can show my your way is more efficient then I will probably change the way I do it.
    [*]Why would you annoy and try to get an introvert to socialize more, or think something is wrong with them because they don't? Why would you continue doing this even after reading about and supposedly understanding who they are?
    - I wouldn't. I live with 4 introverts, I know they need alone time and don't enjoy social situations as much as I do. When they tell me they want to do something by themselves I back off and let them.
    [*]What personality type have you gotten along best with?
    - I really like INFs and other SFJs.
    [*]Do you get along with other guardians, like ISTJs?
    - No, I don't. I have a very hard time STJs. My dad is an ESTJ, and my grandfather and youngest brothers are ISTJs. I find them harsh, uncompassionate, and unable to see past the surface of complicated issues.
    [*]Where have you noticed emotional strength/resiliency?
    - In myself? In the world?
    [*]What does intimacy mean to you?
    - I think honesty and transparency are a huge part of intimacy to me.
    [*]Do you think INTPs enjoy your "showering" of Fe? Do you back off when they tell you or it becomes obvious that they are uncomfortable, or do you shower them with it to watch them become annoyed, miserable, and uncomfortable?
    - I think sometimes they do, otherwise they wouldn't seek it out occasionally. But, I do my best to back off before becoming intrusive. I would like to think I don't make my friend miserable.
    [*]Do you have an agenda with everything you do?
    - I have a purpose for everything I do.
    [*]How open-minded are you? Has anything caused you to become more open-minded (if so, then what)?
    - Again, "open-minded" is extremely subjective. I try to see all sides of an issue before I make a judgement about it. I have been told by multiple IN types that I am good at this.
    [*]Why are you so controlling and sometimes rigid (especially when you know you should lay off)? What's going through your mind when you flare up and start becoming so?
    - If this happens it's because I fear something that it important to me is being messed up or done improperly. [/LIST]
    Yes, really. That's what this is about. I want to put my grievances out there to hear the other side of the story. I don't think I'll be any less annoyed by the typical ESFJ in the future, but at least I'll have some sort of an idea of what's going on. I'm normally too tame in how I ask questions anyway. Might as well put every bit of bias I've had beaten into me over the years after many painful ESFJ interactions out there. Some of my questions/problems I've gotten new insight about, and for others you just say I'm mistaken, which didn't really help any.

    I'm not exactly an asshole, but I doubt it was that far-fetched to expect some frustration from an INTP (your opposite). Want to revise the things you dislike about INTPs? I hear a lot more on that topic from ESFJs, and it's usually thrown in my face, after a lot of bitching to their friends and other people. I'm not going out of my way to be balanced this time, I'm doing everything in my power to flesh out every single issue that has seeped into my mind after years of these interactions. Nag about this, complain about that, perceive everything as rude or inappropriate, try to get me to do this, blah blah blah. I'm just wondering why they do it.

    I have yet to meet that ESFJ that balances out all my bad experiences, so all I have to go on are those. And I bring it up this way, because it's usually the ESFJs doing all the complaining (maybe it's the E) about every stupid little thing while thinking there is nothing wrong with them, while the INTP quietly suffers though it. I'm glad there's that thread for them to vent a little bit. It always seems so one-sided.

    Quote Originally Posted by Showbread View Post
    [*]Where have you noticed emotional strength/resiliency?
    - In myself? In the world? [/LIST]
    In what situations have you noticed yourself being very emotionally resilient.

  2. #52
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    @CapLawyer, if you don't mind me asking, are these questions from experience from one ESFJ, or several, or what population exactly? They seem perhaps personally-tinged? I'm surprised about you saying it seems one-sided on the ESFJs' end. Typically forums are saturated with INxx types and ESFJs are fairly rare. I have seen much more NTP protest of SFJ than vice-versa. But, that is just my own bias. Perhaps you have been on other forums where it is the opposite. Or your gathered experience is from real life?

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    @CapLawyer, if you don't mind me asking, are these questions from experience from one ESFJ, or several, or what population exactly? They seem perhaps personally-tinged? I'm surprised about you saying it seems one-sided on the ESFJs' end. Typically forums are saturated with INxx types and ESFJs are fairly rare. I have seen much more NTP protest of SFJ than vice-versa. But, that is just my own bias. Perhaps you have been on other forums where it is the opposite. Or your gathered experience is from real life?
    Several ESFJs. In real life, it's one-sided in my experience, with the ESFJs constantly complaining. Online, as you alluded to, it's more the INTP getting a chance to vent their frustrations (mostly about the complaining of the ESFJs, and things related to them being judgers).

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by CapLawyer View Post
    Several ESFJs. In real life, it's one-sided in my experience, with the ESFJs constantly complaining. Online, as you alluded to, it's more the INTP getting a chance to vent their frustrations (mostly about the complaining of the ESFJs, and things related to them being judgers).
    Gotcha. I feel like the ESFJs I know IRL, for whatever reason, tend to be more of the practical variety, rather than the catty variety, so some of the questions you're asking are fairly foreign to my experience of the type as a whole. Given my own experience I would tend to relate them more to "immature F female" than ESFJ, though "immature ESFJ" certainly falls under that. I feel like I have seen the more negative behaviors demonstrated by other young female ExFx and even just Fs as well.

  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by CapLawyer View Post
    I'm not exactly an asshole, but I doubt it was that far-fetched to expect some frustration from an INTP (your opposite). Want to revise the things you dislike about INTPs? I hear a lot more on that topic from ESFJs, and it's usually thrown in my face, after a lot of bitching to their friends and other people. I'm not going out of my way to be balanced this time, I'm doing everything in my power to flesh out every single issue that has seeped into my mind after years of these interactions. Nag about this, complain about that, perceive everything as rude or inappropriate, try to get me to do this, blah blah blah. I'm just wondering why they do it.

    I have yet to meet that ESFJ that balances out all my bad experiences, so all I have to go on are those. And I bring it up this way, because it's usually the ESFJs doing all the complaining (maybe it's the E) about every stupid little thing while thinking there is nothing wrong with them, while the INTP quietly suffers though it. I'm glad there's that thread for them to vent a little bit. It always seems so one-sided.

    In what situations have you noticed yourself being very emotionally resilient.
    No, I really don't have much to revise. For the most part I rather like INTPs. I am fully aware of the fact that a lot of things that frustrate me about my INTP are more about me then about him. We have a pretty honest relationship, he calls me on it when I piss him off and vice versa. No one really takes it personally, we just kind of learn from each other. If anything, he gets more annoyed with the way I do things than the other way around, like you described. My love for structure baffles him. My roommate is an INFP, so I've gotten pretty good at going with the flow.

    In terms of the emotional resilience, I volunteer twice a week at a child abuse evaluation clinic. So, I spend a lot of time with very broken people. I work with kids who have had awful things done to them, who's lives have the potential to be forever changed for the worse because of things that they had absolutely no say in. It's rough sometimes. I've also had a lot of friends come to dealing with really hard stuff, even contemplating suicide.
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

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  6. #56
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    @CapLawyer it is generally better to just be a dick than to be a secretive, underhanded dick. The esfj hate thread exists for this purpose.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haven View Post
    @CapLawyer it is generally better to just be a dick than to be a secretive, underhanded dick. The esfj hate thread exists for this purpose.
    Why are you so nice?

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    @chubber

    I'm making up for being an asshole in person
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haven View Post
    @chubber

    I'm making up for being an asshole in person
    yeah but your nice feels so fake... hahaha

    You guys are so interesting.

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by chubber View Post
    yeah but your nice feels so fake... hahaha

    You guys are so interesting.
    I am very bad at faking nice, so I often just don't try very hard.
    Friends, waffles, work

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